<p>My daughter is an active Tweeter and, and as most twitter accounts, it is open to the public. I often see some things she posts that I worry about. She may tweet she is at a Frat party, going to bars, friends ‘crashing’ in her dorm room, etc. I have good conversations with her about not drinking, how to handle dorm issues, etc. but I don’t know how to bring up the fact that I see these things on Twitter or Facebook. How do I say ‘I saw you tweeted x’ without sounding like I am creeping/spying on her? If she asks why am I looking at her Twitter what do I say? She is doing well at school and is active in clubs, etc at school so I am happy with what she does overall. I don’t want to make a big deal out of these things if it is not affecting her overall school performance, but I fell I have to say something about some things she should not be doing/should think more about before she does them as they may bring out some negative consequences. Help!</p>
<p>I would just give her a general reminder about how open twitter/facebook accounts can be seen by all might not be a good idea. Putting too much info out there can be a bad thing (ie future employers can see what is out there, creepers etc.)</p>
<p>Facebook and Twitter should always be set to private with only friends being able to see what is posted. Having them public is foolish at best and dangerous.</p>
<p>I’d tell her that a friend saw one of her posts and said something to you about it (yeah, I know, but that’s what I’d do) and then tell her she really should make all social media pages private and send her this: [56%</a> of employers check applicants’ Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter | ZDNet](<a href=“56% of employers check applicants' Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter | ZDNET”>56% of employers check applicants' Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter | ZDNET)</p>
<p>I had a problem that MIL, who has a facebook page believe it or not, would read things on S’s page and then complain to H about them. He in turn would complain to me, having no clue about the nature of facebook and other such social media. I told S that he should fix it so MIL could not see all the things he posts and he changed his settings.</p>
<p>If she is in college I think it’s time for you to stop running interference for her and let her be. Stop looking at her FB and Twitter accounts. She sounds like a normal college kid to me.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone for your feedback. The issue is mostly twitter, which most kids feel they have to keep it public as why else would you have a twitter i.e. twitter is made for bragging about what you are doing/thinking at the moment. I personally have a twitter for my business and some of my daughters friends follow me, etc. The friends twitter often mentions my daughter through the twitter @ option. It is so hard not to see comments so I am torn between knowing she is doing some ‘bad’ things and not knowing what to do about it. She may even know I see these different twitter updates and probably doesn’t care.</p>
<p>Not sure what is so “bad” about what your original post that would make you classify them as such. Just like SteveMA, sounds like completely normal college kid behavior to me. The fact is my daughter goes out more than she should, I know she drinks underage (20) and I know she goes to frat parties (she is in a sorority). She is also in a very tough major, making a high GPA, so really, what can I say about it? The fact is your daughter sounds as if she is balancing social and academic life just fine. If you bring it up, she will simply shut you down.</p>
<p>I am curious what ‘bad’ things you think she is doing? From your post, one of the things you brought up is friends ‘crashing’ in her room? Why is that bad? I have had friends sleep over in my room when I was in college. Why is that a bad thing?</p>
<p>As for drinking, I don’t like or support underage drinking, and I choose not to drink at all myself, even though I am way above the legal age. However, even though I am a non-drinker, I went to dance parties, etc. in college. Even though I went there, I didn’t drink. I am not saying that’s what your daughter is doing. She may well be drinking, but, at least where I went to school, a lot of girls liked going to frat dance parties, just because it was the only place on campus to go dancing.</p>
<p>I am just curious what exactly your concern is - is it drinking, going out in general, or something else?</p>
<p>We spoke to S1 (a senior in college this year) seriously about this 3 summers ago and talked about his future, he got the message and keeps his facebook stuff pretty mild. Our main point was; do you want a future employer or graduate advisor to see this? If no then don’t put it there. The internet is not private.<br>
Good Luck</p>
<p>@acollegestudent While I believe my daughter is not doing underage drinking, the concern with the drunk friends crashing in her room is that I feel this is taking advantage of her room mate who may not feel comfortable saying its not ok, and I feel the drunk friends are taking advantage of my daughter since she has a dorm room the the drunk friends don’t. I feel it is taking advantage of me as a parent too as I am paying for the dorm room for my daughter not for drunk friends to have a place to sleep it off. I feel like my daughter (and us) are being ‘enablers’ to the drunk friends by giving them a place to go. If they didn’t sleep in her room, they may drink less or mooch off some one else with a dorm room. To me, the drunk friends should make better plans on how to get home safely from a party other than just using my daughter room as their answer.</p>
<p>Maybe it just wasn’t clear from your post, but why do you say that they are drunk friends? Does she say it in her tweet, or is she just writing they ‘crashed’ in her room? I had a suit-style living arrangement in college, meaning I had a single but with a common room and three suite-mates. We definitely had “sleep-overs” in college, not because anyone was drunk or couldn’t make it home, but just because it was fun!</p>
<p>I agree, she should consider for the roommate. But I have my doubts about the friends taking advantage of her. I feel that she probably wants them there. Just from my past personal experience, I can tell you that I would be REALLY annoyed if my parents told me they felt I shouldn’t have friends stay in my room because they are paying for it. It’s her space, and if she wants to invite guests, it part of her living-on-her-own experience.</p>
<p>@acollegestudent - I guess you are right that it it is her space. The tweets were actually from the ‘drunk friend’ that they (including my daughter) were at a frat party and this friend was ‘loving the jungle juice’ which is the spiked punch. This friend has had drinking issues for a long time that we have discussed with her before (i.e. why hang around with someone who drinks so much if you don’t). This dorm is an underage dry dorm, so I am also concerned she could get in trouble with the RA for having guests in the room who do not abide by the dry (non drinking) rule. Thanks for your insights</p>
<p>S is a football player and when he was in high school we taught him to be careful with his social media because coaches look at that stuff when they are recruiting. We required him to keep us as friends when he was a minor. He hasn’t unfriended us now that he is an adult.</p>
<p>That said, I think you should talk to your D about social media and what kind of picture she wants to paint for the public. I would not discuss her personal choices unless you feel she is doing something unsafe. What she is doing sounds like normal college stuff. If she is happy, has friends, and is doing well in school it is irrelevant whether she is having a beer (or a few) on the weekends. I would let her make he own social plans whether you approve of them or not. </p>
<p>I would center the discussion on safety and image. It can be unsafe to broadcast your whereabouts to the entire world. It can be unsafe to let the entire world know when your room/home is unoccupied. She might be painting an image of herself as a party girl when she really is a serious, academically oriented student. She does not know who she will ever ask for a letter of recommendation or who will be her boss someday. I would talk to her about the negative picture she might be painting. But I would do all this without trying to micromanage her personal life.</p>
<p>bornandraised, got it! I understand your concerns a lot better now. I think I was just confused by your first post, because it sounded that she just had friends stay over.</p>
<p>As much as I probably would even agree with you, I don’t think telling her about certain friends being having issues or why hang out with them will do anything but just make her not talk about it any more. I think all you can do is tell her (in a nice, respectful way once) and drop it. She has to decide how she wants to live her life, and being able to make your own mistakes is an important part of that.</p>
<p>The bottom line is it doesn’t matter WHAT she is posting, the point is it’s her private information and should stay that way. If you can see it, employers can see it, her teachers can see it, future boyfriends parents can see it, and on and on and on. The setting should always be friends only. If you don’t have twitter, when you set up an account it will alert you to anyone who has an account whose email you have saying “someone you might want to follow” (or some such language). So someone may not actively seek out your daughter but if they exchanged emails with her and added her to their address book, bingo she’s going to pop up even if they don’t look for her. This happened with several of the young people I mentored in high school. I emailed with them frequently. At the point I got a twitter they all showed up as people to follow, everyone with their accounts public. I looked at one and was horrified at what I saw. I didn’t bother looking at the rest but send out a group email telling them to lock up their twitter accounts, I adored them all but what they were doing in college was none of my ,or anyone else’s, business. This shouldn’t be a difficult conversation to have.</p>
<p>I haven’t read all the responses… but had a similar problem. Story like this… over the summer (prior to freshman year), D said she was going to friend’s house for dinner and sleepover, but actually went with said friend on a two hour road trip to hit up a big party. Not sure why she lied… still don’t… as I don’t think I would have objected per say. But I think she figured avoidance of discussion was better. In any event, I would never had known had she not tweeted about being there with a pic! Kids - </p>
<p>She was pretty amazed at how I found out. I could have lied right back to her as I don’t think she even realized I was following her on twitter. BUT I just really tried to remember what it was like to be 18/19 and all the things I did that would have probably worried my parents or disappointed them - and the bottom line is, I regret few. So I just told her it was twitter. Now she could have just blocked me, but I used the opportunity to have the discussion of exactly what you describe. Privacy settings are available for very good reason. Lots of wackado’s in the world and all that. Mostly, I didn’t care about the party and actually, it worked out alright that she was busted from that point of view, and I really had a thoughtful discussion about the rest without being specific. And too… sometimes the TMI of our lives can be a little well… TMI. There is something to be said for having friendships and life experiences kept private with those who you share them with. But that’s a completely different subject. SO… as it went, I kept it lighthearted in that I teased her at being a horrible sneak with an as insightful and clever mother as me! 
</p>
<p>She actually blocked me for a while and then let me follow her again. But the point is, she has complete control over who follows her on twitter now and more to the point, I think all of my kids have me on some sort of filter of what I see on FB too. But really - sometimes it’s better to have a good view of the big picture and recognize that I wouldn’t have wanted my parents knowing my every move and despite the world we live in, I imagine our kids feel very much the same.</p>
<p>I do find it interesting that with Facebook, my daughter adjusted her privacy setting so I am still her friend, but I can’t see what is puts on her wall. Yet, with Twitter she and all her friends think you HAVE to keep twitter public (i.e. everyone can see it even if they don’t follow you) as that is what twitter is all about. Having said this, I think she knows I see her and her friends tweets (along with everyone else who may use the same hashtag #) but she probably doesn’t care. I think I will tell her simply and directly that, as publicized on twitter, if you are having people stay at your dorm room you need to consider your room mates feelings and the guests have to abide by rules of the dorm to not be drinking or drunk if they stay overnight. Twitter really is a different animal from facebook…Thanks for everyones insights</p>
<p>And to add, even if it is set to private, there are twitter search engines, put in @… and all their posts come up anyway. For the life of me, even if I was raised with the intense social media the kids today are, I would NOT want my info out there for all to know about.</p>
<p>Kids at our local HS taped one of the school lock access door over a weekend, it was broadcast out over twitter, pictures, entire event. Did not think the local police department isn’t on twitter following some of these kids, you bet they are. AND they all got caught, some are already 18, you can imagine how that went down breaking and entering. Twenty years ago, this could have gone on and I’m sure it did, BUT everyone and their brother didn’t hear of it in real time.</p>
<p>The principal said he knows when there is a potential squabble among the kids coming the next day via twitter.</p>
<p>“The issue is mostly twitter, which most kids feel they have to keep it public as why else would you have a twitter i.e. twitter is made for bragging about what you are doing/thinking at the moment.”</p>
<p>My view i that if its public you have a right to read it, even if you’re her mother. That’s what I’d tell my kids if they were tweeting. Everyone (and not just kids) needs to know that public tweeting is public (and the fact that you know what she’s tweeting is just an example). As far as I’m concerned, a public tweet is a conversation they started with anyone who can read that tweet (including you). </p>
<p>(yes, I’m speaking hypothetically since I don’t have kids who tweet, and may have something to learn, but naively, that’s what i think).</p>