@mom2and Good summary.
Regardless of intentions, unless asked, telling others how to live their lives, spend their money, choose schools, etc. is tricky territory. Tread lightly. Share your own experience and lessons you’ve learned in case he finds it valuable but don’t tell him what he should/shouldn’t do.
What is it with denizens of northeastern states dissing their public options?
Rutgers, TCNJ, and NJIT are all good schools, able to provide more than enough education to any undergraduate interested in learning.
They might not have the cache of some of the “top” state schools, but prestige is not necessarily indicative of quality. I don’t think any OOS public school is worth paying $80k+ more over four years.
If you were going to go to an OOS school from New Jersey, consider Minnesota (my school’s bitter rival… so you know I’m being real) – they charge about $37k total for OOS students and have a ton of Nobels in their cupboard (more than many “elite” schools) and a very good rep to boot.
But even then, you’re talking about probably $30k-$40k more over four years.
Most kids in any state can go to their flagship(s) and learn more than enough to become successful. Unless the flag doesn’t offer a program, or the kid can get a bunch of merit cash from an OOS public, it doesn’t make much sense to pay so much more to go to an OOS public.
We’ve always driven used cars. Our newest car is a 2004. After we saved up enough for private college for two kids full price, none of my friends would dare try to discourage me from spending on their education. I’m just about done and it’s been worth every penny to me.
What’s the point of making the money if you can’t enjoy it. :-). We’ve enjoyed sending our kids to a private colleges.
I might just save up for my hypothetical grandchildren’s private college too, though given the start my kids have had, they probably won’t need it either.
And no I will not adopt your kids 
@prezbucky I definitely didn’t hear anyone dissing their own public state schools, or did I miss those comments? It is great that you are endorsing them, because I think that is exactly what the OP was looking for.
Truthfully, if my child had the choice of Rutgers instate or UCSB OOS, I would push Rutgers for financial reasons, in spite of how much more beautiful Santa Barbara is. But, if the choice were UCLA or Rutgers, I might prefer that my child go to UCLA, and I would find a way to finance it. Admittedly, my thinking is a little arbitrary. These are personal value judgements that are not right or wrong. Other people would make different choices. Budget & priorities are unique to each family.
Live frugally to become rich and do WHAT?? Buy a nice car and join the other seniors on a 1st class cruise when you are 70?
You don’t know other people’s situations.
A friend of mine and her husband both have jobs that don’t pay very well. The family lives frugally because they have to.
But one of their children is attending an elite private college.
Crazy? Not at all. A family member left the kids money in trust that can only be used for college.
But if you didn’t know this family well, you wouldn’t know that, and their choices might seem bizarre.
Did the family member stipulate the “type of college” in the trust? Or could it be used for education in general- c state school , culinary school, private only ,etc? Some kids actually prefer their state schools to an elite private, believe it or not.
I think it is more than just ‘some’. I’d prefer it if my kids went the state schools, but they made other choices. I think most kids go to their state schools, and for many (most?) it was their first choice.
But this post asks about an OOS public which happens to be expensive. Still the choice of many, they just have to figure out a way to pay for it. Maybe OP’s friend has planned for the cost, maybe not. I happen to love UCSB and would focus on helping friend to figure out the financing or offer sympathy if they can’t afford it (or don’t get in).
@ClassicRockerDad Our cars are 2000 & 2001 with about 400k miles on them combined. I feel the same way that you do about education and savings. Although, I am getting kind of excited to figure out which car(s) we will buy for the next two decades.
I don’t think I will be able to break the inexpensive car habit when it comes down to it. There are still a lot of other things I’d rather spend money on!
If a NJ kid was considering an OOS school, I’d gladly recommend the UNC system - particularly UNC, NC State, and UNC Wilmington (lots of New Jerseyans). Superb education at a great price!
There are many great, affordable state schools. There are many great, expensive private schools.
People have different priorities. The weird urge to project our preferences on others isn’t a good look.
I suppose if you are full pay, paying $50k OOS at Michigan may seem like a bargain vs. $65k at many top privates.
But if the home public is $25-$30k, isn’t it worth a good long look, especially if a budget is tight?
But there is a world of difference in coming onto an anonymous internet forum and answering a question somebody actually asked, versus risking a friendship and/or coworker relationship by sticking ones nose in where it isn’t wanted. That is the crux of most people’s responses so far.
@bopper, I would offer any information you have on the local schools, in particular what they can offer a kid interested in working in Silicon Valley. If this is a good friend, he will probably welcome information that is presented in a helpful, non-judgmental way and he may not realize what is available to them locally. It’s not necessary to put down the CA schools (though I’d be tempted to wonder at the link between UCSB and SV), just to offer some positives that they may not know exist.
And if one looks at strengths of departments and knows one’s child plans to study fields where Rutgers is particularly strong such as philosophy…I know many parents and some savvy students who’d opt for Rutgers over UCLA or even many elite/Ivy colleges as Rutgers’ Philosophy department is ranked in the top 3.
Incidentally, UCSB is tied with the following schools at #34 for CS departmental strength: UChicago, Northwestern, Rutgers, Ohio State, and UC-Davis.
@bopper First, UCSB is not easy to get into for CS, so it may resolve itself. Second, their CS program is a very good one, and it he does get in, and is able to get good internships, it could be worth the money. I would be more concerned if they were considering spending that much on a major that was not so employable.
My daughter attends an OOS public and nobody would ever question our decision. Not all OOS public universities are created equal, and there is no way she would be getting the same educational and social experience had she stayed in state. That being said, I think when you discuss colleges with friends and co-workers you need to be very careful. My other daughter remained in state for undergrad followed by an expensive grad school, and we have gotten bombarded with questions and comments regarding both of her choices.
@LBad96 my daughter was recently in Wilmington and thought it was amazing!
@sevmom, I don’t know many details about the family I mentioned. But I believe the child did not choose a state school because of a preference for small colleges.
I know that state schools can be excellent choices. My son went to our flagship state university (his first-choice college) and had an excellent experience. Incidentally, that university was on the East Coast and he was a computer science major. He now works in Silicon Valley. (But don’t read too much into that. He got a master’s degree from a California school before getting the first in a series of Silicon Valley jobs.)