<p>Although not quite the empathy concept we are discussing, it appears that the good feelings we can experience when we behave altruistically may be biologically hard-wired.</p>
<p>Certainly interesting science:</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.ninds.nih.gov/news_and_events/news_articles/brain_activity_during_altruism.htm[/url]”>http://www.ninds.nih.gov/news_and_events/news_articles/brain_activity_during_altruism.htm</a></p>
<p>Those who truly lack the ability to have empathy, may have traits of a Narcisstic personality-<br>
so- you may want to do a bit of “research” on the topic. There’s plenty of info about that on other websites-</p>
<p>Why do you want to know?</p>
<p>Interesting question. </p>
<p>Also, can one have too much empathy for someone else?</p>
<p>Adad- i was just re-reading your responses, so I know you are emphathetic- but when dealing with others and for those who truly lack that trait, there may be deeper personality issues at hand.</p>
<p>mstee: </p>
<p>Why?: please see my post #15.</p>
<p>Too much empathy?: I liked greatlakesmom’s post #17.</p>
<p>Oh, the personality disorders. They throw a wrench into a life philosophy of loving kindness like nothing else can. Unfortunately I didn’t run into the theory behind personality disorders till I was well into adulthood, and badly in need of the sense of limits necessary to deal with those particular issues. It is possible to have empathy, and at the same time a strong sense of where the buck stops in terms of personal involvement and responsibility. But as with parenting above, there are balance points to consider and agonize over that can consume a lifetime of discussion and thought. </p>
<p>Northstar mom-Thanks for the links!</p>
<p>In a class for my masters degree we spent the day in wheelchairs. Unbelievable! Try it sometime.</p>
<p>Bethievt,
you hit on a thought I had…I have a brother-in-law who is a quadrapalegic and it is tough…no one ever touches him (ie shake hands, hugs etc) and people rarely look him in the eye…he cannot get down to most of the soccer fields, etc etc…</p>
<p>I think the most important trait for empathy is a willingness to listen to someone’s woes/problems and comfort/help guide them. My own mom spent years sponsoring many folks in AA…and there were definitely a few folks who had significant problems/challenges beyond alcoholism…my mom would take their phone calls and listen/talk for hours at a time…it was a very powerful example for my brothers and I… because these folks needed a friendly/caring sounding board and they had one in my mom…sometimes she just could not take a call and one of us kids would answer and be trapped ourselves for extended conversations…but, we learned that these folks really appreciated our patience and being there for them… to this day I think one of my brothers and I have a different emotional IQ than we would if our mom hadn’t set such a powerful example. </p>
<p>Real empathy requires being able to see oneself in someone else’s shoes… how would you feel…how can you help them get stronger, wiser, smarter, help them get connected (ie befriending the new neighbor…talking to the person at the party who is looking a bit lost? Practice makes perfect!!</p>
<p>I think one of the joys of being a parent is exposing your child to art in all its expressions, even the ones you personally don’t get. Your child will gravitate towards their own ability to express or create. I think drama, dance, visual arts and music cross all sorts of barriers to understanding and create depths that can be used as empathy boosters. It is important to realize that one person’s art (gardening?) is another person’s blank slate and empty vessel. And that sometimes it takes a couple decades to actually “meet” your child and to recognize who they are which is always “not you.” My experience… I used to have a son who I felt was tone-deaf as a reader (I am very broadly read and collect rare books) and I was disappointed that he was not going to use literature as a vehicle to explore the whole “what it is to be human” challenge. I felt he was missing meaning and perhaps would be hindered in terms of empathic growth. It turns out he is hugely auditory. He listened to books on tape. He has now developed an entire universe of emotion and meaning via a collection of classical music that is astounding. He makes all sorts of emotional IQ connections via this music vehicle and also by being a performer himself. He easily uses his intuitive grasp of this art form to make friends, make connections and to explore emotions of all kind. He also read maps incessantly and this had suddenly paid off big time for him, but as a parent I failed to “value” this activity, too. After all, he was not paying attention to the things that I thought were important because they developed me. His focus was on other horizons.
So to create and nuture empathy, be part of a sports or other team so that you are forced to get out of your own head and into a shared goal with others. Broadly expose your children to the arts and one day, you may find that they have entered one of the art form worlds on their own steam, and have become very empathic young adults.</p>
<p>I think empathy requires two skills: keen observation and imagination. You need to be a great observer in order to pick up on the small details/clues that allow you to understand people or situations clearly. And you need to be able to imagine what those people are feeling and then transfer that feeling to yourself in order to create an emotional reaction. When I empathize, I feel. People who don’t notice details aren’t getting a clear picture often. And people who don’t have a good imagination can’t really make the transfer to themselves. I actually think I’m too empathetic sometimes. To the point of causing myself undue stress and pain.</p>
<p>This morning for example, I read about a local high school baseball team that played their championship game at Dodger Stadium yesterday. The score was tied at 0-0 after 11 innings. The star pitcher had pitched 100 times in 10 innings when they finally called him in. A replacement pitcher in the 11th inning walked two runners. Another pitcher was called up. He walked a runner for bases loaded. The next pitch, he hit the runner, which caused a run to be walked in. Game over. 1-0. Tough, huh? </p>
<p>All I could think about was that poor third-string pitcher and his parents in the stands! I can’t imagine how much pain they must have felt for their son to lose the championship at Dodger Stadium in that way. It must have been just an awful car ride home and sleepless night.</p>
<p>Anyway, I didn’t actually observe the game, but I used imagination to “see” the parents in the stands, and the kid at school the next day (or not). I’m sure the team was gracious to him, but still… painful. </p>
<p>But sometimes I find that I feel more sorrow or discomfort than the people actually going through the situation. :(</p>
<p>I think empathy requires two skills: keen observation and imagination. You need to be a great observer in order to pick up on the small details/clues </p>
<p>Hi Mom of the two Incas. (I never can seem to see your handle in the more obvious solution way.)
I guess my point which I didn’t figure out for many years…is that people are wired and equipped differently re what they observe, and I guess there are gobs written on this re difference in the sexes and then the whole auditory vs Visual vs Kinesthetic construct. I can’t hear what my son can hear, so I “miss” a lot of the communications there. He can’t read what I “hear” in a novel. As a young parent, I was looking at first for my kids to see the world through my glasses, but now I get it that they see, hear, sort things differently. I will never hear the things my son can distinguish but now I make a point of asking him to put a CD in the car if I ever go anywhere with him. I ask for a lesson and he gives me the blow by blow of what is happening in a symphony. It is He (not me) who is the most “tuned in” to some very profound things…and I don’t really get “better” at what he can do no matter how many times he explains things to me. </p>
<p>Over the years, I have also decided that it is our job to help our kids set limits and boundaries so that they don’t get overly involved with problems that are not theirs and that they cannot impact. This is I suppose teaching empathy but setting some boundaries.</p>
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<p>Hey Faline,
I agree with you. We all are wired differently in terms of what we observe. My two children are good examples of this. S had a good bit of difficulty “reading” people as a kid and has had to work pretty hard to become more sensitive to others. He can analyze complex problems from multiple viewpoints, but is slow to notice if the person sitting across the table from him at dinner is irritated by the way he’s, say, slurping his soup. His lack of good observation wiring can make him seem a bit detached from other people’s problems or feelings. And I would peg him as an auditory learner. (same as my H, who has the habit of asking “Is that a new outfit/purse/pair of shoes?” on about the 13th time he’s seen them.)</p>
<p>My D, on the other hand, is keenly aware of the nuances in a room of people. She reads people so well that a slight downward tilt of the corner of one’s mouth will prompt her to ask “are you okay?” She’s a visual/kinesthetic learner, but I still don’t see her as empathetic as me. She might pick up on other people’s situations but they don’t seem to transfer over into her own feelings to the same extent. In otherwords, there is a sensitivity factor to building empathy. D gets the message, but she doesn’t care THAT much about it. It’s not even a question of boundaries, but rather of intensity, I think. </p>
<p>I think one can work on building empathy, but mostly from trying to improve observation. The imagination and sensitivity components are probably much more innate and difficult to budge. </p>
<p>I think one can be too empathetic, to the point of feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed and unequipped to go out and help right wrongs or even to just live life without taking on other people’s issues.</p>
<p>“Is that a new outfit/purse/pair of shoes?” on about the 13th time he’s seen them Ha! My spouse bought me the same pair of earrings two Mother’s days in a row because…“they reminded me of you somehow.”</p>
<p>I am also a psychiatric social worker…so the entire issue of how much empathy is needed in the healing arts vs how many people actually need to work on boundaries and on differentiating from the family and the group is always fodder for good debate and conversation…every family and person presenting new sets of dynamics.
have a great Saturday!</p>
<p>Looks like there is a place and purpose in this world for both the empathic and not-so-empathetic, (and everything in between). I’m not sure any particular place on the continuum is “better” than the others.</p>
<p>As mathmom said so succinctly, what we do is more important than what we feel.</p>
<p>Some will do the good deeds, others will just write the checks.</p>
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<p>I was just wondering if now, 2.5 years later, anyone has any additional or further thoughts about cultivating empathy.</p>
<p>Thank you very much.</p>
<p>ADad,</p>
<p>Have you tried any of the suggestions that people already have made? If so, how have those suggestions worked for you?</p>
<p>Obviously you have already done this, ADad, but I think the biggest event in anyone’s life that helps them develop empathy is to have children.</p>
<p>To Northstarmom: Well, I’ve continued to volunteer, and in some new capacities. I still agree with those who said that volunteering increases empathy. The new volunteering has been quite helpful.</p>
<p>I’ve learned a good deal about Buddhism over the past two years. I think that Buddhist thinking and (modest) practice has helped cultivate patience, calmness and empathy. It has also helped me to better observe, appreciate and accept those around me.</p>
<p>Recently, I’ve been more serious about and involved in my Christian faith. I don’t know that anyone specifically mentioned that, but I feel that this also has improved my empathy.</p>
<p>Find what you’re drawn to and take lessons from that. If you are drawn to dogs, then try to see in people the qualities that you see in dogs - or at least explore the differences. If you like individuals but not groups, then think about how you make connections to individuals - and where you can do that. Some people are able to relate more to groups because individuals make them uncomfortable. That person is more likely to enjoy working on a planning level or behind the scenes than in direct contact with strangers.</p>
<p>I continue to suggest lovingkindness meditation, which you can try by using the links I provided earlier.</p>