How to cultivate empathy?

aibarr · January 13, 2010, 1:04pm

I take the bus. I live just south of downtown, and I work in downtown. There are a lot of homeless people.

It was awkward at first, but I decided when I moved downtown that I would smile at everyone. I was going to look them in the eye, smile, and say hi. (This is a common thing in Texas in general, but the “undesireables” usually get left out, which I thought was unfair.)

In the two years since I’ve been commuting and waiting at bus stops and smiling at people and talking to people and looking them in the eye, I’ve tried to see past their eyes and into their souls. Anything more sustained than mere glancing eye contact with strangers makes it nearly impossible to deny their humanity.

When I look a stranger in the eye, see their humanity, and give them my smile, that really does something magical for how I see that person. I’ve found that I rarely see malice in people’s eyes and souls. I just see people trying to get by. I observe all of these fantastic, individual human beings on the bus and on street corners, and some of them are in trouble and some make trouble and some are just trying to stay out of trouble, but they’re all part of humanity and they’re precious to this world.

I look them in the eyes, I smile, and a wonderful thing happens-- they notice, and taken a little aback that I’ve noticed them, they return my smile, and a human connection is established.

I see their souls and I just want to cry from the beauty of it all.

Seeing that preciousness, that beauty, makes it nearly impossible not to have empathy for people. I sit quietly by the homeless and mentally disturbed woman in my religion class when she’s having a bad day, softly talking to her and listening to her troubles until she feels better. I keep spare bottles of water in my car and briefcase now, in case I meet someone who’s thirsty. I keep meal tickets for a nearby soup kitchen on hand, and if someone asks me for money, I look them in the eye and tell them that they should pick up any phone they see and call 2-1-1, the toll-free number for the UnitedWay help line. Sometimes they take convincing, and sometimes they get upset because I’m the one person who will look them in the eye and all they get from me is a reference to a phone number, but I’ve planted that seed in their minds and maybe someday they’ll want to help themselves and make their lives better. You never know what form your kindness will take when you just put it out there… I feel better about the world when I’m sending these candles out on the water, though.

If you feel brave of heart, though… Look people in the eye. Everybody. Even if it makes you uncomfortable. You’ll find that it’s impossible to keep from being kind to them.

ADad · January 13, 2010, 1:23pm

Wow. Thank you so much, aibarr. What a beautiful post.

Skyhook · January 13, 2010, 6:03pm

Thank you for rejuvenating this thread ADad. I had not seen it before, and it has really caused me to think.

@momof2inca Re: observation and imagination
I have a niece who has been such a keen observer of others from young childhood. She seems almost eerily cued in to the physical and mental status of others. I have the imagination part once I know the issue, but I am not sufficiently observant to pick up small clues, although I try.

I do agree with aibarr and mathmom, it is important to “just do it.” You can make kindness a habit.

worknprogress · January 13, 2010, 8:09pm

Thanks for re-starting the thread. Mathmom - your comment was so helpful to me. As a psychologist, I rank pretty high on the empathy scale. My younger daughter, on the other hand, is passionate about social justice and issues such as roadblocks for the disabled - but she is often devoid of what I would see as empathy. She does, however, put in a lot of time volunteering where needed. Over break, she participated in a mission trip, even though she had other things she really wanted to do. Her sense of justice and duty compelled her to follow through. So, there are times when I wish I would sense more compassion or feeling with her, but your remark made me realize I should just focus on what she does.

On the flip side - because she lacks the inherent ability to be empathic, she is also unable to be manipulative. She is as straightforward and honest as they come.

ADad · January 14, 2010, 7:02pm

I’d say that empathy isn’t exclusively “what you feel”. As Faline2 said, it’s also “keen observation and imagination.” It is a skill as well as a feeling.

The skill is quite often needed. It might be obvious that a hungry person needs food, but often it takes, well, empathy to realize that people are hurting. People may be too ashamed, embarrassed, afraid, hopeless to state their problems and ask for help.

To give help, one must first realize that help is needed. Empathy helps one realize.

momof2inca · January 14, 2010, 7:50pm

Intuition and the ability to read body language or nonverbal cues helps a lot in this area, Adad. But imagination is the key to transferring what you notice or read or guess at into empathy.

Faline2 · January 14, 2010, 9:33pm

Hello old cyber friends from my first son’s 2004-5 season and my early days here.
OK, this Faline character states: Keen Observation plus Imagination as two subskills in empathy. 
We can easily note that people have varied observations skills…some more visual, some more intuitive, some more auditory, left brain, right brain etc. 
Imagination is another ball of wax. In the biz of counseling or raising children or teaching… you will always have lessons and exercises in “Accurate Empathy” as the goal…
So another question is how can you develop more “accurate” empathy as a skill in life and as a moral quest? We all know the person who hears of a life event you are going through and then launches off into a spiel on how they felt when their mother died or they too had a miscarriage AS IF they assume you feel the exact same way, when in fact…the way they felt does not resemble how you felt one bit and their insistence on talking about their feelings is presumptive.

This leads to the discussion of the long and thorny path to self awareness and self knowledge…you have to know yourself pretty well, and know your weaknesses and how your lens is skewed and to get some perspective on your own peculiar experiences in order to “differentiate” your reactions from the likely reactions/views/lens of someone else. It helps if you had parents who were good at seeing you accurately and mirroring you accurately.
Even therapists pay therapists to consult on cases where they might be struggling with more counter transference than is healthy so that they can’t clear their minds enough to listen to another person well or accurately. ie you just went through a divorce and your spouse was not faithful to you, and your client wants to discuss his infidelity, or your father was a perfectionist who you couldn’t please and your older male client also is never pleased with your efforts.

Accurate empathy is a cold stagey phrase that seems a bit trendy and destined for the dustbin. However, it is such an important goal as a state of being in relation to others. In a healthy family, the parents allow each child to differentiate and to be themselves and to be appreciated for who they are, and do not resent it when they pull away from the family unit. Everyone’s differences are both acknowledged and respected.

Accurate empathy occurs in the arts and with it comes relief and sometimes if you are lucky, a kind of revelation of a shared truth.

…when you hear just the right song, see the right painting and are drawn into a universal truth about humanity that is also very specific. Everyone wants “to be known” in life so we all need friends along the way who can express accurate empathy when we need them to be present in this comforting and affirming way.

Here is one clinical definition of accurate empathy online: "Empathy involves the counsellor’s ability to experience the feelings and experience of the client, to reflect upon this experience while suspending his/her own judgments and tolerating his/her own anxiety, and to communicating this understanding to the client. Adler recognises this experience of accurate empathy as one of the creative functions in human personality.

It is the manner of the counsellor, not his technique or theory, which communicates accurate empathy and fosters growth. The counsellor can best convey his/her understanding of the client’s situation by being fully human himself/herself - and not just reacting mechanically or just intellectually understanding the client’s problems.

A person is accurately empathetic if he/she can look into the other person’s world through the perspective of the other, and get a feeling for what the other’s world is like, and communicate to the other this understanding in a way that shows the other that the counsellor has picked up his/her feelings and the behaviour and experience underlying these feelings."

We all know how deflating it is to have someone “mean well” but completely miss the boat on how you truly feel or think.

How to cultivate empathy?

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