How to Deal with a Child Who's Hating College

Parents Forum
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My daughter has lived her whole life in California and decided to attend a school in the South in the honors curriculum. It’s not yet been a week and she absolutely hates it. In general, she’s as cynical, stubborn, and sarcastic person. She’s social, but within her group of people.

Here are some thing she’s saying:

“idk if can do a whole year here”
“all i’ve been doing is crying”
“i just wish i didn’t go here anyways like it’s so not worth and i never wanted to go this far but everyone tried to convince me I should and now i regret not going with what i knew was better for me”
“i don’t have any friends, i’d rather be with my high school friends”
“i hate meeting new people”
“i’m just annoyed by everything”
“i’m just keeping to myself”
“i don’t like the people here even close to those at home though it’s so different”

I know that all of this is perfectly and absolutely normal.

I’ve explained to her that her other friends are off to college and not at home, she would’ve probably felt this way at any college, what she’s feeling is common, freshmen are in some sort of mating ritual right now and their dominant personality traits are amplified to the nth degree, first friends in colleges are rarely your life long friends, it’ll take time, you had 14 schools to choose from and your chose this, etc.

I’m not reaching out to her. I’m waiting for her to bring up things to me. I know she’ll grow to be a stronger and better person from this experience. Be that as it may, I’m having a real tough time with this. REAL TOUGH TIME.

What else can I do or suggest to her?
What can I do to make myself feel better?

Thanks in advance.

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i never wanted to go this far but everyone tried to convince me I should and now i regret not going with <<<<<<<

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      Did she decide on Tulane but now is saying it wasn't her choice? What was her strong choice?
3

As a parent, that’s tough. Hard enough she’s gone then to hear she’s unhappy…so hugs to you.

You might suggest she get involved in a/some clubs…leave her dorm door open…

4

I think you’re doing all the right things. I’d suggest that she not look at the whole year, but maybe just take it a day at a time. I agree about joining clubs and getting out and about as much as she can. This has to be hard on you. Hang in there. I hope things turn around for her quickly.

5

@Lindagaf went through something similar last year. You might look at her posts and hopefully she’ll come here with some advice on what did and didn’t work in her family’s instance.

Your daughter is not only going through the adjustment to college but probably a bit of culture shock as well. Of course, we know 1 week isn’t enough time to settle in to all the changes. She’s got to give it time and put herself out there and get involved.

“first friends in colleges are rarely your life long friends, it’ll take time” < THIS is so very true!

Be kind to yourself, mom, and keep busy, too. It’s hard when one leaves the nest and can be excruciating when we know they are unhappy and suffering on top of it all. It will take time but the odds are very, very strong that this stage will pass.

6

As a mom, I feel for you. We are from CA as well, and my D wanted to “be in the snow.” My D had a very tough time her first semester last year. Many people at the school already knew each other, so it made it hard to meet new people. She had a horrible roommate who thankfully moved out at the end of the semester. Things got better 2nd semester, but were still sort of just “ok.” She tends to keep a lot inside her, but I could tell what was going on. It was heartbreaking.

However THIS year is AMAZING for her. I have heard stories over and over and over again that it might take a full year to get used to things. I convinced her to go through rush, which she did reluctantly, and that was the best decision she ever made, as she met “her people.” Is your D interested in rushing at all? There will always be “her people” out there - but it takes time to find the right avenue.

All I can say to the both of you is “hang in there.” It will get better, but in the short term it is so, so, so hard.

7

@Sybylla It came down to Tulane, USC, and UWASH. We (her parents) promised to cover X amount of dollars and she’d be on the hook for the rest, regardless of the school. She knew this from day one. After she narrowed down her choices, we did a financial analysis for each school which showed how much she’d owe after graduating. Tulane had the least amount of student debt for her. When she asked for advice, we had different mindsets. One parent thought she should stay close to home. The other thought she should go far away to become independent faster. All in all, she made the decision herself. Everyone said over and over again they’d enthusiastically support whichever school she chose. My fear is that the financial analysis we provided her influenced her to choose Tulane, however she ultimately made the decision herself.

Note: A constant issue with my daughter is the need to seek out advice on all decisions, whether it be as small as what she should order for dinner (“should I get the tuna sandwich or the hamburger”) to large decisions such as what college she should attend (“should I stay close to home or go far away”).

8

Your D can use her skill at eliciting other people’s advice to her advantage as she settles in.

Ask the roommate, “Do you plan to eat breakfast in the dining hall or should we buy a stash of granola bars and make coffee here?”. Ask the RA, “Can you recommend the best diner in walking distance of our dorm?”. Ask the person behind the counter at the bookstore, “Should I open a checking account at Local Bank across the street or keep my account in my California bank?”

She has the skill to engage other people-- she just needs to get out of her room and start doing it.

One thing that worked for me- tell your kid that you are going to look forward to her phone call all week so she should let you know when her schedule will allow for a good 20 minute/half hour call so you can catch up.

And stick to it. Once I stopped being available on a daily basis, the kid actually figured out how to get out of her room and get involved. But the constant crutch of calling me while walking between classes wasn’t helping-- and ended up with both of us upset by the daily drama.

You know she can do this and so does she!!!

9

@Sybylla Realized I didn’t answer your question. USC was her top choice. It’s funny, neither USC or Tulane were serious contenders in the beginning. After visiting all types of schools, she eventually decided that a mid-size private school with flexibility, D1 sports, and in a cool city was where she wanted to go.

However, she apparently hates NOLA now…

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“Note: A constant issue with my daughter is the need to seek out advice on all decisions, whether it be as small as what she should order for dinner (“should I get the tuna sandwich or the hamburger”) to large decisions such as what college she should attend (“should I stay close to home or go far away”).”

I’m sure this makes the distance even harder for her but ultimately it will be great for her personal growth and independence, much like a semester abroad offers.

11

These are just new school “jitters”. Leaving her dorm room door open and or hanging out in the common areas of the dorm will help her to meet new people. Is there any way that you can send her a T-shirt that has the name of her home town or a funny phrase ? If she wears the shirt, she will no doubt have various people asking her about it and perhaps strike up a conversation.

12

Here are a couple comments from a mother that got “dumped” on a few times in college.

Don’t explain anything to her. Just listen. Be her dumping ground. Agree with her. Agree that it’s tough. Agree that it sucks. Agree that she would probably be happier at home with her old friends (she would). Just let her dump…bc she has NO WHERE ELSE to dump…and it has to go somewhere. And you are a safe place. Once she has dumped, say something like “Wow it sounds really really hard. I’m so glad you could share that with me. Is there anything I can do to help?” And then do NOT suggest anything. See if she does. She may not…meaning maybe she needed to dump.

If she says she wants to come home…say that possibility is always open. Say…if it really is not the school for you…maybe I should come out in a week or two and we can explore that possibility. You are always welcome at home (bc she is). Then be quiet again…chances are she won’t want to do that.

Be there for her. You could suggest one thing…a daily phone call if that would help…just so she knows you are there and care…and has a place for all those negative feelings. But do NOT suggest anything else…she knows it all already…like go make friends (duh! it’s just hard).

If you are lucky…you will be more miserable for a few weeks as she starts to feel better. I think all new college parents need to know they have a high possibility of being a dumping ground…and once their kid hangs up, they go off and do the hard work of making friends and getting better as you lay in bed night after night and worry.

Good luck!!!

Edit: If you know she’s struggling … it’s OK to reach out in a “disciplined way” and say…I think you’re struggling that’s OK but I want you to know I care and am here. Anything you want to talk about? By disciplined I mean don’t find solutions or problems…just be honest and state how you feel. And let her do the same. That may help instead of wondering.

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@TheParentLurker Your daughter is suffering from buyer’s remorse. She sounds much like my daughter in how she looks for advice over decisions, both small and large. My D, like yours, picked her school based on after-graduation debt. She gave up several higher ranked schools to save money. Also like your daughter, she had a very difficult first semester and there were some pretty upsetting phone calls to home about how she thought she made the wrong choice. I wish I could tell you it’ll be fine in a week or two but it literally took until winter break for my D to be comfortable and having fun.

I’m not sure what your daughter’s options are if she still really doesn’t like it at semester-end but for my D, her option was limited to the instate flagship because merit aid isn’t as available to transfers as it is to applying seniors and for us financial aid was a bit piece of the puzzle. Because her options were so limited she stuck with it and I"m happy to say that as a rising junior she is very happy at school now and is thrilled that she is not piling up the debt some other students are.

Best of luck to you both. Its hard to keep reassuring her that things will work out (especially when there really are no guarantees) but that’s what I did. I told my D to keep her focus on academics and worry less about the social aspects. There are others that will disagree for sure but it worked for us. Once she dove into her classes and found her niche there, the rest just came together.

14

I could have written your post. I actually think you are handling it much better than I did, because I too often gave into the urge to contact my D. PLEASE do everything you can not to let it get to you. I wish I knew then what I know now. This is hard, but she is going to get through it, because she has to. Despite all she is saying, she is (even if she doesn’t realize it or admit it) making friends and is not quite as miserable as you are hearing. I began to dread looking at my phone or reading my email. There were texts of doom that went on for what seemed like hours and days. Yet, somehow, despite her apparent misery, homesickness, lack of friends, nothing fun ever going on, people that were just not her type of people, etc…she managed to make friends and was seemingly ok by Tgiving. One week, early November, I hardly had any texts. I began to worry. My husband very sensibly told me that it was a good sign, and he was right. But man, it was painful going for all of us for basically 2 months.

You are the human garbage can and it all gets dumped on you. She dumps on you because you are comforting and she knows you love her, and she can tell you how miserable she is in a way that she simply can’t with these new people that she is trying to make friends with. She needs to stay busy. Yes, there were a few weekend nights when my D had nothing to do, mostly because she wasn’t interested in partying, but eventually she found her people. Your D should follow the usual advice of attending anything of interest and being open to whatever comes up. It’s okay if she needs to hide in her room sometimes to recharge.

I told my D over and over again that it takes time and that these are new people, not the people she has known since high school. I told her all these new friendships were going to be totally different by the end of the year (and she told me this summer I was right, lol.) I promised her, though I sometimes secretly began to doubt it, that things would get better. With my second one, I will know. I also made her go to the counseling center, if nothing else to give her something to keep busy with.

Do not give in to any requests to withdraw, etc… If she is that miserable, let her know that she can look into transferring, but make it clear that it’s her job to do that. Remind her that she chose her school for good reasons. Let her know it’s ok to vent, but also ask her to tell you something positive every day. I actually think that was quite helpful, because I felt my D was wallowing in negativity, and that doesn’t help anyone. Keep reminding yourself that this is phase of growing up, just like any other phase they go through. Don’t let her misery become yours, really. Now, I am promising you that she will be okay and you will too.

My D is now bored at home and is really happy to be seeing her friends on campus next week. Someday I am going to remind her of the he__ she put me through, but right now, I am just enjoying spending time with her, knowing that she is going back to a place where she is happy. This will be you and your daughter next year. Good luck.

15

People as a whole HATE CHANGE. It’s right up there with public speaking on the hate list.
And your D is in a foreign environment, with new experiences, new people etc. I don’t offhand see anything I’d love either. And it’s all at once. There’s a lot to take in.

You rarely grow in your comfort zone. And it takes time to get comfortable again.
But thinking of it as a “growing experience” is helpful. And realizing that those feelings of discomfort will pass is especially helpful.

I changed jobs a few times over the years–always something better. But I learned very early that I would HATE it for a while and be uncomfortable no matter how much better the actual position, location or how nice everyone was.
But I knew that given a few weeks I would adapt and be happy again after growing some roots.
That self-knowledge was very valuable to me. It got easier and easier to jump into new situations.

Now I go after roots pro-actively. I joined a new organization not knowing anyone and made it basically a game to meet as many people as I could (which really isn’t my natural personality). And I got pretty good at it.
I found “How to Talk to Anyone” by Lowndes very helpful. Basically just tips to strike up conversations in many situations. Take people as they are. I sent both my kids a copy.

Your D sounds overwhelmed.
Just start with meeting one person. It’s like facebook–it’ll grow through friend recommendations.
It’s okay to not put yourself out there continually–but don’t shut out others.

She needs to know meeting people does NOT come easily for many, many people. It probably took some courage for the other person to say “hello” first.

Explore your city and school. Once you do some active exploration the entire place will start to feel small and familiar.

16

“first friends in colleges are rarely your life long friends, it’ll take time” < THIS is so very true!

Well, I married mine…:slight_smile:

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@gouf78 There are exceptions, of course…

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@TheParentLurker I sent you a PM - let me know if you don’t get it.

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That has to be so hard to hear - I am so sorry! Is she generally a complainer? or a glass half empty type? If so, she may just like others said be saying it to YOU because she can and it is safe. I think asking her some positive things is a good idea.

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@toomanyteens She’s cynical, sarcastic, and stubborn. Definitely a complainer, pessimist, “glass half empty” person.