One other thing…my H and I started “tag"teaming” her. Her issue was sophomore year with a chaotic living situation and a bad roommate. She would call me up and “vomit” all her negative feelings on me and my night would then be filled with worry. But then my H would contact her by text an hour or so later with a “what’s up” or a silly picture of the dog and have a perfectly normal text conversation with her. Sometimes he’d even call and say I heard you had a hard day but by then she would be more relaxed and reasonable. We soon discovered that the negative emotions were a special gift for mom only. On occasion she couldn’t talk with my H since she was with friends (and I thought she was in the depth of despair). So then I could relax. It was a looong semester until the one problem roommate moved out. Still she’s a kid that “always has a rock in her shoe” so it happens on and off still but without the intensity.
OP, we have the same kid! I am sure that even as she is venting to you, she is nonetheless meeting people and engaging in some activities. If she had good friends at home, she will be fine, but as @bridgenail says above, she might do it with a rock in her shoe.
@bridgenail this was my D too last year. I remember a conversation about how unhappy she was which left me in tears. I had to go work a fundraiser at my other kids’ high school and I could barely function I was so upset. Then my H called to tell me he had spoken to her and she was fine. Going to dinner with people and then into town for ice cream.
OP, my D now tells me that I made things worse for her by always asking how she was doing, if she was happy, making friends, etc. She was feeling pressure by me and didn’t want to talk about her feelings. I thought I was helping by trying to get her to talk about her feelings but apparently not!
Hopefully things get better 
if not maybe she can transfer out…worst case she flakes.
I am from NOLA and live in Texas now (aside from the food) I don’t miss a single thing and wouldn’t send any of my kids to Tulane. I don’t miss the city, the culture, the filth, the dirty, the crime, etc etc etc the food is epic and I miss that and have found no true equal in my travels, but that is it.
Hope she learns to love it!!
It is a good school I just don’t like NOLA either.
LSU > Tulane (Even if USNWR doesn’t say so!!)
I know someone who quit within 24 hours. In those days there were no cell phones so when parents arrived home there was a message to call right away. The conversation went something like “I made a horrible mistake, I’m not kidding or homesick, I’ve already withdrawn, turn around and come get me, or I’ll find my own way home. Are you coming?” Parents left immediately. Enrolled late at an open admissions state school, and today is one of the most successful people I know. Had also accepted offer because of finances, too. Every situation is different, but this person still shudders to think what if they hadn’t corrected that mistake as embarrassing as it was to return. Considers it one of the best decisions of her life, and has trusted her gut ever since. That confidence has gotten her very far.
@TheParentLurker - I feel for you. I’m going through it somewhat now with my freshman D who is 15 hours from home, although I think she’s doing ok so far (not too many negative comments yet). I really like all of the things you’ve told her and it’s true that it will just take time and a bit of effort on her part. Just think about how much she will grow by having this very different experience far from home. She will definitely find her people but maybe not as quickly as she’d like. With the way you describe her personality, it is simply going to take longer to find a group of friends than someone who is more optimistic, outgoing and bubbly. But that’s ok. I would suggest that there’s no way for her to know if Tulane is going to be a good fit long-term unless she gets involved in at least a couple of interesting activities and tries them for a while. Also, one thing that could help her to reduce the negative attitude is for her to assume she can transfer at the end of the year if she really wants to, but for now, “practice” meeting people and getting involved since she will have to do that many more times in her life. If she think she wants to transfer, then that “practicing” could end up leading to her liking her experience more. I agree with others that she will save most of her negative feelings/comments for you and then likely be fine many other times. Hang int there!
Hi, I’m not a parent but a (former) student and I just want to reassure you that I was so similar to your daughter. My first few days of school, I called home crying every day, saying that I wanted to go home, I was so lonely, I can’t do this, I miss home, etc. I can only imagine how upset my parents must have been, but now, a few years later, they’re probably more annoyed by my constant obsessing about college and my friends and how much I loved it! It’s definitely true that some people just are not in the right environment. I know a lot of people whose parents pushed them to go away for school when they really weren’t ready and needed to commute, for example. But I think it’s much more common to just have a rough adjustment period. I wouldn’t entertain any idea of her coming home. If she had a normal high school experience where she was involved in things and made friends, I wouldn’t worry at all. The most troubling feeling is being alone in a strange place. The people around you seem okay, but it feels impossible that you’ll ever make a deep connection with someone and that any off these people will be your best friends. Unfortunately this only gets better with time, but here’s my advice based on what worked for me:
-I did not like when either of my parents texted me something like “make any new friends today?” or “has anyone stopped into your room to say hi?” That just made me terribly angry and upset.
-I did like when they would text me unrelated reassuring things like “just ran into [silly old neighbor], you won’t believe what she said!” It made me feel comforted and connected to home.
-My mom knows what I need, so if I called her crying, she would tell me to take a hot shower, have some coffee and chocolate, and watch the new episode of How I Met Your Mother (this was 2011).
-The obvious advice is to join clubs and approach people, but it can definitely get tiring to keep hearing it over and over. My reaction back then was probably along the lines of “well that’s easy for YOU to say!” So while the impulse might be to keep repeating it (and while we both know it’s the correct solution) I’d refrain from suggesting it too often.
I hope that helps a little. Her feelings are incredibly common. I don’t think transferring is something to consider at this point.
Know that sometimes after she calls, shortly after she will be having a good time in some way. But you aren’t hearing about it – she’ll probably only call again when she is down in the dumps. While you are home stewing… I’d just stay upbeat, and unless you think she is in a mental health crisis, don’t join into her pity party.
My son is a senior at Tulane and he loves it…but it took more than a week to get to that point. I think your daughter is going through a very normal adjustment period. As everyone has said, getting involved is important. One group my son enjoyed as a freshman was the Tulane Univ. Community Advancement Network (TUCAN). They tutor kids after school at a local Boys & Girls Club, with Tulane providing the transportation. She might enjoy doing that or some other kind of volunteer work, and would meet some nice kids while doing it.
Also, have you joined the Tulane Parents facebook page? It’s a very active group and there is information about what is happening on campus, so you can suggest your daughter try some of the things mentioned on the page.
I’m not saying this to be hurtful but I think being cynical, sarcastic and stubborn are really bad qualities. Maybe this experience is just what she needs to put those traits on the back burner. I’d suggest flooding her with positive comments in your correspondence with her and reminding her that if she doesn’t put herself out there in the most positive way, she isn’t going to make any friends and be successful. Good luck. Again, not trying to be hurtful. Maybe this is just the change she needs to make in herself.
My daughter loved her school, her roommate, her independence and it was still very stressful the first few weeks of college. By mid-October she wanted a little break and went to her grandparents for the weekend just to pet a dog and sleep in a room without another person.
It takes some time.
My daughter is in a similar boat. She started last week with a backpacking Pre trip and while she had a lot of fun she didn’t make a connection that continued into the start of classes. Her roommate is fine but is an international student who arrived at campus weeks earlier and made a group of friends. Even when my daughter joined her in the dining hall they all spoke another language to each other. She is not a partier and is is kind of shocked at the amount of partying already going on. She’s extremely quiet and isn’t making a huge effort to reach out to others. She goes to class, eats alone a lot and does her homework in her room. She’s also overwhelmed with the amount of work- she’s a perfectionist and is extremely concerned about doing well, which puts a lot of pressure on herself. We’ve got the crying phone calls already and it is heartbreaking. The club fair is next Friday and I’m hoping she goes and signs up for a few things. I’m trying not to keep giving her all my tips for making friends because I don’t want to annoy her and make her feel worse but it is so hard to bite my tongue. This was her dream school and I’m just worried that maybe we were off the mark. I know everyone says it takes time and while I want to believe that, I’m having a hard time myself seeing this turn around. So, I have no advice for the OP, but know that you aren’t alone. Hugs.
My daughter was miserable from mid August when we dropped her off, through mid October. She was so miserable that she called me crying all the time and told me she was leaving. She thought everybody else was happy, had friends, she did not fit in, etc. She told me she should have gone to Barnard. I reminded her that she never applied to Barnard because she had no interest… but at that point she was thinking that any school that was the opposite of what she had was somehow better. I told her to stick it out until December and if she still felt that way she could transfer- but I told her she was doing all the work that was involved in the transfer process. Giving her an “out” if necessary gave her some control. I also encouraged her to get involved, eat in the dining hall etc.
Once mid October came she was a changed person. She became VERY involved ( and still is), loved her professors, classes, made friends, etc. She loves it and would never go anyplace else.
Give her time. Some adjust right away… others don’t. I also had my doubts, thought she would transfer, misjudged schools etc.
I had the best support from some of the parents on this thread. Honestly, they kept me sane and I am grateful to them (you know who you are.) So feel free to message me when you are feeling worried or just need reassurance. It’s really helpful to talk to someone who has been through it.
Did she choose Tulane over USC due to money? Your statement that USC was her top choice confused me so just wanted to clarify why she isn’t there. Is it possible to enter in January?
I know two kids who loved Tulane.
It is obviously too early to tell if this is truly not a good fit. She is experiencing homesickness and the usual adjustment issues with new people, new location, new academics, new everything.
However, if she was indeed swayed by finances or the opinions of others this dissatisfaction may persist, who knows.
I would tell her she can reapply to USC, but to stay for the semester if she can. Sometimes having an “out” can decrease panic and make the person feel they are choosing rather than feeling trapped.
In a few weeks, visit if you can. I have noticed my kids take a kind of sense of ownership when they show me around a place they are adjusting to.
Cynicism and sarcasm often mask idealists, and also cynics can be quite funny. I myself value those qualities.
I would listen to her and be ready to support whatever decision she makes, but after the adjustment period.
Many kids are not ready to go far away. It’s fine. This will work out but I am sorry that the next few months may be difficult!!
If you superimpose the distance of California to NO onto a map of Europe, she would have moved to a new culture with a different way of communicating. She is in a “foreign land”. Things will be different. Tell her she is brave for being willing to leave her comfort zone. She is having culture shock.
Sometimes our kids think that because we are all the the US, life is the same everywhere. It isn’t, which is both interesting and tiring.
I was the crying kid. I do not transition well. What it took was finding that one friend and that took until November.
@Empireapple I agree they are bad qualities for HER own well being if nothing else. And I agree learning to work through is probably a good thing.
Well that explains it! My daughter loves pubic speaking and had a very easy transition last year. But I know she is the anomaly.
One thing you can do as a mom is not buy into any of the talk that may be happening with other moms at home. You may be hearing from your D’s friends mom, that so and so is GREAT and just LOVES her school. Don’t buy into that. Last year I was careful to play down my D’s happiness with others, because I know the majority of kids struggle, but I recall a mom saying her D was doing fab, and then like 6 months later, when the D was really doing fab, she mentioned how tough the first semester was.
One thing that could be helpful for your D is when clubs start to find a routine with that, that could include a meal. For instance, my D joined a yoga class that ran 'til 6pm and then it was natural to just walk over to the dining hall for dinner with some of those kids. And when classes kick into full gear, study groups and project work are also good ways to get to know people in a less stressful way.
Hang in there.
My daughter had a horrible transition but loves public speaking… Hmmm :-?
Sometimes I would tell my daughter to “Join at least 2 clubs” and she actually did it (my fierce independent one)…so you can plant seeds of positive actions and see if they grow.