How to Deal with a Child Who's Hating College

Parents Forum
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I was not a joiner (and still am not) and yet the activities/volunteer stuff I “joined” early Freshman year at college really saved me. Not that I made lifelong friends, found my soulmates, etc. but until some actual friendships developed, having people who “saved me a seat” (sounds so quaint) or waited for me outside a lecture hall so we could walk over to a meeting together really cut through the isolation.

At my last college reunion, a guy who I met through some activity in September of Freshman year (and quite literally- have not seen, thought about, or interacted with in 40 years) told me how much my “friendship” had meant to him back then. He was from a small town, rural place and felt hopelessly out of his league at college. I was in a dorm with a lot of prep school kids and felt like they spoke a different language then I did coming from a huge suburban HS. We ate dinner together 5 times? Walked each other out of the library 10 times? and that was really the extent of our friendship. But we were both in tears as he talked about how awkward Freshman year was.

These early connections can really make a difference. I LOVED college and can barely remember how miserable the first few weeks were… but when I do force myself to recall how tough the transition was I end up grateful to all the other “out of step” Freshman who were so kind to me.

JOIN something, anything.

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Thank you for all these responses. They’re all helping and please, please keep them coming!

There was an activity fair yesterday which she attended. I know she signed up to be put on the email list for at least 4 clubs and organizations, so that’s a good thing.

We took the advice of asking her for a positive thing that happened everyday. Yesterday, she said she had sushi. Not what I ideally wanted to hear, but I’ll take it!

My daughter has acne issues and the NOLA weather is making it worse which I’m sure is also impacting her experience. She’s also having roommate issues. Her roommate is a very sweet and outgoing person who is obsessed with a group of girls which my daughter does not like. My daughter doesn’t really like people who feel “the need to climb the social ladder” (this is another issue my daughter has, reading books by their cover). However, my daughter and roommate are very nice and respectful of each other, just very different. I think not having that initial bond with a roommate isn’t helping much, either. Again, she simply has yet to find someone or some group where she belongs.

The one thing I’m confused about is that there is a girl (“X”) which she hangs around with more than others. When she brings up her lack of friends, I ask her about X. She replies that X is boring. I ask why she’s boring, and she never answers and either changes the topic or says she doesn’t want to talk anymore. This confuses me.

Thinking about it more, she had her first boyfriend in the beginning of second semester of senior year. She always protected her feelings, but opened herself up for the first time to someone she hadn’t known for a while. He ended up being a “player” and dumped her before things became too serious. She retreated further in to herself after that.

Another issue has to do with the advent of social media. Her main form of contact is Snapchat (which drives me crazy). She often sends us “snaps” with sarcastic comments. For example, this morning she sent us a snap of her walking to class with the chyron of “Back to High School, LOL”. Earlier in the week, I would’ve responded to that and attempt to engage in a conversation with her about it. But now, I’m only replying to her when she texts or calls. If she sends a light-hearted snap, I’ll respond with a light-hearted one in return, but no responses to any negative or sarcastic snaps.

I have a history of depression, so it’s hard for me to hear her constant negativity without spiraling in to a deep, dark funk. However, I’m being strong when I speak to her and using my own support system (including CC) to get me through this time.

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My D had a tough transition, likes public speaking but won’t pick up the phone to order a pizza.

@travelfamily your D sounds a lot like my D last year. She too was surprised at the amount of partying. Just the thought of going to parties, even without drinking gave her panic attacks. She went to counseling a few times and the anxiety subsided. She eventually made friends but still didn’t go to many parties. Just not her thing.

She joined a few clubs and went to a weekly religious dinner. They helped keep her busy until the friendships formed. But really the biggest thing was time. Time to feel comfortable in new surroundings and time for friendships to form. Fortunately she never doubted that the school and academics were right for her. She loved those from the start, it was the social aspects that took longer.

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Since you are asking for help/advice, I’ll give a few comments. I don’t know you so I could be totally wrong but here are some opinions/comments … for what they are worth.

Remember you are beginning YOUR journey of parenting an adult so don’t mix your emotions with hers. Have healthy, emotional boundaries (this can prevent you from adding fueling to her fire of uncertainty - you need to be calm). If you don’t want to respond to her sarcasm that’s fine. You can draw your boundaries and decide what you will respond to or not (as long as she’s not asking for a response and be honest if she does). However she is free to be sarcastic and negative…even if you don’t like it. Also I would stay away from “analyzing” her adult friendship…it’s really none of your business…unless asked (isn’t that hard to hear - as the new parent of an adult it’s the truth and that’s what’s so hard). Again healthy boundaries. She’s an adult…and as most parents of adults will say: there are things we don’t like but accept in our adult children. In other words, stop fixing and start accepting…because she’s an adult and deserves respect and boundaries whether you like it or not (sorry mom).

Are you asking for advice (or just need me to listen) - a key phrase in parenting an adult. No more “fixing”. No more looong narratives that will make her “snap out of it and see the light”. No more simplistic advice (how to make friends 101). Just thank her for sharing her life and troubles with you (she doesn’t have to) and ask if there is anything you can do to support her (this communicates you have faith in her to solve her own problems and you will only assist if asked which shows you respect her boundaries).

If you are struggling with your emotional journey along with your daughter’s (not uncommon), you can read about “detached compassion”. Sometimes it feels like “love” is “doing things”. But sometimes “love” is setting someone free to live their own life separate from you…and just having faith in them.

She’ll find her way…you just need to detach from the end point (loving college!!) and focus on loving her for who she is right now (good, bad and ugly).

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bridgenail I agree but establishing those boundaries can take some years, and it is difficult to start under the circumstances of transition. In fact it could be argued that parenting style should not change too much during a transition.

I used to tell my kids that if they were in the water and felt like they were drowning, that I needed to stay in the boat so I could still pull them out!

I do think there is a small minority of cases where the kid really is in the wrong place, or needs to be closer to home to have a more gradual transition away from home. I emphasize minority of cases. This would seem to be normal feelings in the first week or two of college. If it is more, counseling is a good next step.

But part of respecting our kids as adults is also to watch them make decisions that we aren’t always happy with, including leaving a college they aren’t happy at. So in a few months, that will be more clear.

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Thank you @Marcie123! It sounds like my daughter has a lot in common with yours. All the information on here is very helpful so thanks to all. My daughters boyfriend is coming to spend the weekend which I wasn’t thrilled about at first, but he leaves for basic training the next week and they won’t see each other probably until Christmas so it was this weekend or nothing. I’m sure it will give her a boost until they have to say goodbye. She does mention a girl on her floor who has a single room and is not into partying, but she doesn’t seem to making an effort there either. I’m not sure why. It seems like it would be an easy avenue but I don’t want to push. It’s this waiting that is torture. I know everyone says it will get better- just don’t know why I have such a hard time believing it. And I have to say, she doesn’t send sad texts and is ok on the phone for the most part except for a couple sad and crying phone calls. But i know she is lonely and did tell my husband she missed having someone to have real conversations with and missed hugs. She’s a real snuggler. So I don’t even know if she is as unhappy as I think she is. I’m a mess! But thanks to all. I’m staying tuned and I hope people will report when things turn around for their kids.

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@compmom I believe she chose Tulane over USC because of the money. It was basically $30k at in debt at Tulane vs. $120k in debt at USC.

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Question. Many responses here have suggested that having a conversation about transferring has helped their child feel less trapped and has actually helped them acclimate. We’re not too thrilled about having this conversation, but if it’s helpful then we’d consider it. At what point should we bring up that option? We’d want to wait until the last moment, obviously. Thanksgiving or Winter break?

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She was never on the hook for 120K. So that was never realistic in the first place. Does she know that?

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@sybylla I don’t understand what that means?

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I believe Sybylla means that she would have been unable to take out that amount of loans in her name.

edited to add - The amount of loans should have taken USC right off the table and not been part of the final decision making process. That is crippling debt.

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I think I mentioned transferring after about 3-4 weeks. I know it was early but I wanted her to have some control over the situation. That brought us to mid September. At that point she was interested in a certain organization on campus that required a series of interviews… she kept telling me that if she got the “job” she would stay, and if not she would consider leaving. She found out in October that she got the job and after that … things started to improve quickly. The key for her was to find a group that she felt connected to. Once she felt connected to that one group/organization… she found a few others that she also liked.

A few weeks ago she commented that she left high school and was thrown into the ocean… and it was the best thing she ever did… although she did not think so while it was happening.

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@Sybylla

USC - She received a grant that was not guaranteed for any year after freshman year, but we baked that in to the analysis regardless. With the federal and private loans, the grant, our commitment, and the interest, she’d be looking at $101,600k in debt. Then we broke down the monthly payment by 10 years. She’d go from paying $993 per month to $638 over the 10 year period. Loan consolidation paid over a 20 year period would have yielded a $608 monthly payment.

Tulane - She received a grant that was guaranteed for 4 years provided she doesn’t go below a GPA threshold. With the federal loans, the grant, our commitment, and the interest, she’d be looking at $26,300 in debt. Then we broke down the monthly payment for 10 years. She’d go from paying $360 per month to $160 per month over the 10 year period. Loan consolidation paid over a 20 year period would have yielded a $165 monthly payment.

We also worked together on mock budgets for life after college assuming she lives in California and with entry level salaries between $45k and $65k. The budget displayed what her disposable income would be after she pays her bills and monthly student loan payment.

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             The point is that USC (etc) was always a fantasy. To paint her as a bit of a whiny kid on one hand, and then a completely rational one on the other that chose to walk away from 120K of debt, are conflicting assessments. This sort of clarity is needed in junior year, not after the fact.
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@Snowball City @Sybylla

Yes, I see. This is why we worked together on the financial analysis for her. She’s good with and understands money and has successfully maintained check, savings, and credit card accounts throughout high school.

Early on in the process, we told her what we as parents would commit each year for her tuition and that the she is on the hook for the rest. We did mention that co-signing on a private loan might be an option if it stayed below a certain amount each year. She knew the cost of schools to which she was applying and applied for scholarships at each school. We did not restrict her from applying to any schools, since we thought that might backfire. Now here we are.

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@Sybylla

She is a whiny and rational child. These things are not mutually exclusive.

We started touring colleges the second half of junior year all the way through March of this year. We visited large state flagships, small liberal arts colleges, and medium sized private universities. She didn’t know what she wanted until the end, which is why she applied to so many colleges. Evenmoreso, she has no idea what she wants to do. Towards the end, she figured out that she wanted to attend a medium sized school in an eclectic and exciting city that provided a lot of flexibility for majors and had D1 sports. USC, Tulane, and Vanderbilt were the ones that fit the bill. She didn’t get in to Vanderbilt, so she focused on Tulane and USC, with Tulane being the more realistic option. Being the cynical child she is, she never had a favorite throughout the entire process because she didn’t want to be disappointed in a denial.

She liked USC because it was close to home, flexible, and she liked the vibe. The downside was that it was close to home and not truly affordable.

She liked Tulane because it was far from home, flexible, and she liked the vibe. The downside was the it was far from home and the weather.

Lots of conflicting thoughts, but to be expected from a child who has no idea if they want to live close to home or far away and has no idea what they wish to do for their career.

We aren’t perfect parents and we did the best we thought we could at the time.

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My son is in the same class at Tulane. It’s too early to take this type of talk seriously. My kid didn’t know anyone at Tulane other than one roommate he met online when they selected each other for rooms. But he went to various dorm meetings and hung out. There are also all the activities this week like the activities expo, the riverboat cruise tonight, and all the various clubs and organizations she can get involved with. If she just goes out and get involved, I would bet she should be 180 degrees on this in a couple of months. School just started, and she hadn’t had the chance yet to sample all the activities that Tulane and NOLA offer. If she needs to talk so someone, please have her reach out to counselors or her RA.

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 As long as she is clear that she doesn't actually have any options now, in that she isn't going to be able to transfer to any of the schools that were dangled in the fantasy list of last year. If she knows her actual option is to come home and commute, that her freshman options have all been burned, she might perk up? She hasn't even had any academic challenges yet LOL. What is her GPA requirement for her scholarship?
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@NoVADad99

Thanks! She did sign up for the riverboat cruise. I hope she still intends to go. She did go to the activity fair and joined some lists, so I’m happy about that.

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OP- do YOU have something fun to look forward to this weekend, next week?

It sounds like your D is actually adjusting fine- some bumps, the acne is surely upsetting, but she’s signing up for things and it seems like she’s acclimating.

You need to get busier with stuff you haven’t had time to do. You need something to focus on that isn’t your D, and frankly, reducing the frequency of your contact with your D will help both of you tremendously over the long run.

You have done a tremendous job raising an independent minded young woman who is doing something tough. And now you get to take a victory lap-- quite literally. Walk around the block go for a hike, force yourself to think about something other than your D.