How to develop thicker skin in life?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hello all, </p>

<p>This is kind of embarrassing to say, but I’ve been having considerable issues with my paper-thin skin (emotionally), and it’s been making my emotions very hard to deal with. My family just tells me to “grow a set,” so I really don’t know where to turn to for advice. I’d appreciate any feedback, and I’m sorry if this is ridiculous. I just don’t want to continue on like this because I don’t want it to affect how I do in school and in any of my future endeavors. </p>

<p>As I’ve posted before, I’m a farmer working at my family’s farm, but I’ve always felt like I wasn’t good enough and that I wasn’t as important as my older brother and older cousins, especially since I was always “the smart one” who studied hard in school and participated in sports and events and so wasn’t there as much. This kind of made me both nervous yet determined to do good work and please my family, but along the way, I think it’s led to utter insecurity and extreme sensitivity whenever I come short of this goal. </p>

<p>If I do something wrong and get “talked to,” like even just told “you could do this instead of this next time since it would be a better idea,” I get really upset and obsessed with whatever the thing was. I feel bad for making the mistake, and all kinds of crazy thoughts pop into my head, like how the person who corrected me hates me or how everyone thinks I’m a bad worker/student. In school, if I email a professor something out of sheer, nervous fretting about what I’m going to do (like I did when I had a family funeral and had to go home for a few days and miss class) and they don’t email back within a few hours, I question why I emailed them and ardently wish that I hadn’t, fearing that they’ll think I’m a weird kind of snowflake. </p>

<p>This may all seem stupid, but it’s what I live with every day. I worry about and fret over the simplest of things and it needs to STOP. I don’t want to stay up all night re-answering every question on the exam I took; I don’t want to constantly think and wonder about a person just because they criticized me. </p>

<p>Is there any solid way I can just develop a thicker skin for these worries to bounce off of? I thought it’d get better as I got older, but it hasn’t, and now I’m worried about the worrying. Thanks so much for reading, and I’m sorry if this is silly. </p>

<p>~ persona</p>

2

<p>It’s not silly at all. Are you able to speak with a therapist? I think that may be the best way for you to deal with these issues.</p>

3

<p>This is exactly the kind of thing a good therapist can help you with. </p>

<p>That’s what they do. </p>

<p>It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you (though they will have to give a diagnosis to get reimbursed by insurance). </p>

<p>They will give you strategies to think about things so that you don’t fall apart in the face of adversity. </p>

<p>It’s a good skill to develop.</p>

4

<p>I tend to be like this sometimes, a state only compounded by circumstances which I’ve mentioned in earlier threads. Often, if you sit quietly and reflect on a particular situation, you can see that:</p>

<p>1) the other person is most often kindly trying to help;
2) other people are as insecure or more so than you are;
3) professors are all weird snowflakes - that’s how they got there;
4) nothing wrong with being a weird snowflake;
5) pleasing your family is the wrong direction to be going - fulfilling your own goals and achieving something meaningful to you is what matters;
6) everyone makes mistakes - what did I learn from this one? once I have learned this then I must move on. There is more to learn tomorrow.
7) people often say they learned more from their mistakes than they did from the things they did right - because they not only learned the right direction, but the wrong ones as well.</p>

5

<p>Try and think of it this way – when you get “talked to” (either in a critical tone or with a derisive comment), that is a trigger for you to start second guessing yourself and obsessing. That is now your auto-response to the trigger. I don’t know why; you may not know why, but it sounds like that is now your automatic response.</p>

<p>Start recognizing these triggers, and try to delay your auto-response. By that I mean you register the comment, the look, but you don’t react right away. You sort of float above and watch the trigger, then you hit “pause”, and you…decide how you want to react. If you want to react at all. </p>

<p>When you have a calm moment, you can think of different ways to react that are different from how you have been reacting. You could: do nothing; not take it personally; think of the person as a total jerk and picture them getting a pie in their face; think that maybe they’re trying to give you constructive criticism but they may be doing it in a clumsy way; or something else.</p>

<p>Therapy definitely helps. But when you’re in therapy, a good therapist also expects you to do some of the heavy lifting toward changing behavior. </p>

<p>You have already done the toughest part – recognizing and acknowledging there is something about your life that limits your enjoyment of your own life, and you want to make a change. Good luck.</p>

6

<p>class of 2015- excellent post- i have to say these suggestions are spot on-</p>

7

<p>Thank you rockymountainhigh – I have struggled with many of the same issues as OP and this approach (which I got from my therapist) really helped.</p>

8

<p>In addition to the suggestions already made I would work on things that boost your confidence and self esteem. When a young person takes a different path than the traditional path of others in their family they are not always supported and encouraged. These people mean a lot to you but they don’t have the background or awareness to understand what you are dealing with. Trust your self!</p>

9

<p>Classof2015’s post is spot on. I think you should definitely consult your school’s counseling staff. A good therapist can really help you address things like this.</p>

<p>From personal experience, I strongly urge you to seek help rather than continue to suffer.</p>

10

<p>OP, another thing to think about is that, in some ways, the rest of your family may be somewhat jealous of you and the opportunities you have ahead of you.</p>

<p>Family dynamics can be funny things. Of course when you were younger your older siblings and cousins could do more than you, because they were bigger and stronger–obviously you were not as capable then, and got teased because you couldn’t keep up.</p>

<p>And now they realize that, academically, you have put them in the shade. You have many paths available to you, including whether to farm…or not. Apparently they don’t have that choice to make.</p>

<p>Right now, just continue on your own path. Make yourself less available to work on the farm by increasing your commitments elsewhere, for example, in a paying job. If you can afford it, give your parents a check for an eight or ten hour day at minimum wage to make up for your missed day of labor on the farm. </p>

<p>At this juncture in your life, put as much time and space between you and them as you can. If you receive snide comments, come up with a standard comeback line along the lines of “well, I guess I am not good at farming, but you are; and I am good at academics/whatever career you are pursuing, and you are not. It’s good that each of us are doing what we are good at.”</p>

<p>As far as your dealings with people outside your family, don’t let your paranoia carry over. Realize that in the real world, you are not the focus of everyone out there, and that people in general are not conspiring to bring you down. A lot of people check their email only once a day or so,etc. If it makes you feel better, give yourself a message when you email a professor along the lines of, “well, I guess he probably might not get back to me until Monday or Tuesday, because today is Friday and he might already be busy with his weekend plans.” Of course, If he doesn’t get back to you by Tuesday, it would be acceptable to email him again Tuesday night or Wednesday morning.</p>

<p>Try to get some help from the mental health office on your campus. A few good therapy sessions will help you develop a healthier attitude and some good coping tools.</p>

11

<p>Some people are just more empathetic and concerned than others which is not a bad thing but it can get a bit overboard like this. Other posts sound very constructive for moving forward in your life.</p>

12

<p>Honestly, you need therapy. What you describe is severe anxiety more than being “thin skinned”. Good luck. My heart goes out to you.</p>

13

<p>When you work with your therapist, do not be afraid to discuss the option of medical therapies. You may not need medical therapy, but if you do, I can assure you that the right one can truly change your life.</p>

14

<p>Thank you all so much for the replies, and special thanks to the specific suggestions. I’ve already been trying to implement them, and I really hope they’ll help. </p>

<p>And as far as therapy goes, do you really think that’ll help? I’m at the point where I sincerely want to feel better about myself and my life. I’m tired of worrying. How does one even go about finding a therapist? I know that no one in my family (that I know of) has had one, and if I do get one, I certainly don’t want them to know about it. I know that there’s nothing wrong with seeking help when you need it, but with my family, I’d be considered a weakling and would probably be the laughing stock of the farm. :(</p>

<p>If I’m on my parents’ insurance, would they know that I had an appointment with a therapist? Would I have to just pay out-of-pocket? What have others done to make it more discrete? Thanks again.</p>

15

<p>Start with your own university’s counseling center and with student health services. They can help you learn more about your options, and can help you do what you need to do in ways that preserve your privacy.</p>

16

<p>I sent you a PM then I think my internet crashed (must not have paid the bill or something). Therapists can be: social workers, psychologists, or psychiatrists. </p>

<p>Only psychiatrists can write a prescription for medication, but in my experience, social workers and psychologists are easier to talk to than psychiatrists and they often (as in like always) know a psychiatrist they like and trust who can write a prescription for you if necessary. You may find a psychiatrist you click with – that’s great – I didn’t, and money was an issue for me – the psychiatrists were more expensive than SWs or psychologists.</p>

<p>Psychology Today has an online listing of therapists. And you could ask your doctor for a referral to a therapist (believe me, they get this question all the time).</p>

<p>In terms of hiding it from your parents, the only way I know how to do that is to pay cash. Because if it goes through your insurance, your parents will get the EOB (explanation of benefits) which outlines the code for the service, a brief description, and the co-pay etc. Maybe ask that when you find someone you like. Or maybe there’s a family-acceptable euphemism you can use – career training? Life coach? It’s sad they would not support you in your effort to change your life for the better. </p>

<p>We don’t get to pick our parents, do we?</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

17

<p>Our insurance company doesn’t send paper EOBs, and each family member who is 18 or older needs to have his/her own login to get access to the online forms. So do check about your insurance. Your parents might never even know.</p>

18

<p>Find out your insurance name, look on line, contact the behavioral health section–CALL THEM and ask them your questions (i.e. billing to your parents and HIPPA privacy).
If you cannot access a therapist privately then your other choice is to find a local one and pay cash. Some will have a lower fee for students.
I agree that you need to talk to someone outside of your family. You might need medication for anxiety but you need to try talk therapy first.
Your primary care doc can write a prescription for some meds for anxiety but would want to know that you were seeing someone and they might want to have a consultation.</p>

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<p>Wow class ofc2015, nice posts! Sounds like you’ve done your heavy lifting!
In my experience, the name of the provider is on the bill, and may be a give away , and the amount covered, but no procedure code or diagnosis. It might be worth dealing with if its a covered benefit. Consider it “grist for the mill”!</p>

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<p>^thanks, Shrinkrap. My family is like OPs – pretty old school – why do you need to talk to someone when you have us? I feel a little naked talking about all the things I’ve learned from years of therapy, but I hope it helps the OP. I found a wonderful social worker years ago, who also does EMDR. I saw her every week for 1-2 years, then didn’t see her at all for a while, and am now seeing her again. She has made a tremendous difference in my ability to enjoy my own life. I hope OP finds the same.</p>

<p>Just another word about finding a therapist – be prepared to meet with a few therapists before you find one you’re comfortable with. I met with 1-2 people, they were skilled and professional, but I didn’t feel the warmth and acceptance I do with my current person.</p>