An illuminating article written by a successful “Tiger Parent” survivor
"I know a lot about disobeying immigrant tiger parents. I didn’t take the conventional route of becoming a doctor or going into tech, as many Asian parents want. Instead, I nurtured lofty ideas about living radically: My heroes were Malcolm X, James Baldwin and Dorothy Day.
The choices I made confused my parents and caused them despair. I majored in social theory and gender studies: despair. Worked on women’s rights in Kenya: despair. Became a teacher in rural Arkansas: despair. Declined an offer from a corporate law firm to do legal aid work in Oakland, Calif.: more despair. Every fight was intense, terrible. None of us could believe what was said (or thrown).
We grew up in two different worlds. Taiwan, a developing country when my parents were children, didn’t have many options. Science and engineering could get you a job. Other professions, in social work and the arts and activism, were dangerous or unstable, or didn’t exist."
Author does not mention that the tiger parents often have all of the power in the relationship, by being able to carry out the threat to refuse to fund college or disown the kid.
It would be difficult to go to community college if one is disowned. Also, if the student does stay at home, s/he will have to endure more parental abuse, and the whole issue of college/major arguments will continue anyway (including in selection of four year college/major to transfer to).
Going to a full ride merit scholarship college may be a more feasable way to escape from a tiger parent who is willing to refuse to fund college or disown the kid.
“Going to a full ride merit scholarship college may be a more feasable way to escape from a tiger parent who is willing to refuse to fund college or disown the kid.”
suggesting something like “getting a full ride scholarship”, which are as hard to obtain as acceptance into a tip- top college, is not a realistic suggestion.
The author fails to acknowledge the fact that many students tie their happiness to their parents’ happiness, and that while they may go off and defy their parents and succeed, they may still feel depressed or anxious. Parental approval and validation are such important things to many teenagers for their emotional growth and development. Also, how can someone “Show them love as best you can” when for years, a child may get verbal abuse, the cold shoulder, passive aggressive disapproval, family shaming, and more?
I have been personally involved in the transformation of a family, but it involved a heavy amount of support on my part, to the student (encouraging her, advising her) as well as a significant amount of drama and the cooperation/involvement of two universities. I told the student that as soon as her mother saw how happy her daughter was in the college and major that suited her so well, the mother’s previous agenda would dissolve. I was right, and way sooner than either the student or I assumed. IOW, I do not agree with the author of the article that it’s the same idea if the student just finds his or her own voice, so to speak. More than one experience has confirmed that; this was just the most dramatic and risky one of all the ones I have participated in. In the other situations, too, the student absolutely needed an “outside” advocate strengthening his or her own inner resolve. That resolve has also often provided the student with energy and insight to write brave essays which often alluded to such Moments of Truth.
Really interesting piece.