<p>My niece (24 y old) has announced that she is pregnant. She is unmarried, unemployed, living with elderly grandparents (her father is not in the picture, he mother lives faraway and does not get along), has no health insurance, no post-high school education, and the father of the baby is nowhere to be found.
She posted on a social network “I am happy to announce that I am pregnant and looking forward to being a mother”.
How can I express my best wishes to her,when all I want to say is “what a monumental mistake; you just made your own bed of thorns”!!
What can I say to her, without being insincere??</p>
<p>Since she is expressing happiness about the pregnancy you need only say"congratulations". She is not asking for editorial remarks.</p>
<p>Just congratulate her on her pregnancy and wish her and the baby well.</p>
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A lot of people are the product of ill-planned or poorly thought out pregnancies; I bet most of them are very glad to be alive. Whatever your opinion on preventing pregnancy, now that there is an actual baby involved and an excited mother, you should be happy for her. She very well may need help, and it sounds like she has challenges to face, but she is happy, and you should be happy for her too. Try thinking “monumental mistake” and “bed of thorns” when you get to hold the baby and see it smile.</p>
<p>“Good luck” is probably better than “congratulations” if you can’t swallow those words. She will need a lot of things to make this work for her. You don’t have to be happy for her, but it is too late to do anything about it, unless you think she would be open to hearing about adoption as a viable option. You don’t even have to assume that you will be happy about this baby when it arrives. Goodness knows that my sister’s unplanned preganancies turned out to be the nightmare of bad parenting with disastrous offsprings that I feared. In truth, it may be better to be silent.</p>
<p>She sounds, at least, committed to being a mother and that is something. I know that I would, against all other opinions, discuss with her the option of both abortion and adoption. I would try my best to do this with openess to her own opinion. And if she made it clear that she is to be a single parent with limited options I would simply support her.</p>
<p>“Congratulations…is it all right if I start a college fund?” (you can start one with very little money). </p>
<p>Regardless of your feelings, consider the baby. Life will be hard enough for him/her without adding disapproving relations to the mix. Your niece might prove to be a spectacular mom (24 isn’t all that young) but even if she’s just ordinary, the child will need to know that people love her unconditionally, regardless of the circumstances of her birth. </p>
<p>Plenty of women have gotten their act together by the strong desire to make a better life for their kid. Just because your niece hasn’t yet made great strides for a future (is she caring for the grandparents?) doesn’t mean she never will.</p>
<p>If she had not expressed her happiness about having a child, I would suggest saying what one of my husband’s friends said when I got pregnant for the first time, namely “Do I say ‘Congratulations’ or ‘Oops.’”</p>
<p>But she has expressed her happiness, so clearly congratulations are in order.</p>
<p>How about, “How can we help?”</p>
<p>Hunt, you have the winner.</p>
<p>Hunt is absolutely on the money here. Simply ask what you can do, how she’s feeling. It’s a beautiful response that makes no judgement and lends support.</p>
<p>Thank your for your suggestions. I can not even utter the word “congratulations”.
I really hope and pray that becoming a mother will make her turn around. But her prior behavior does not indicate that this will be the case. She does not care for the grandparents, as a matter of fact she is a big burden for them. And although the sensitive and caring thing to say is “how can i help”, I already know the answer to that: she will ask to borrow a large amount of money, that surely will not go to to medical care or the baby’s needs, but will be spent frivolously (and of course, I will never see the money again). Unfortunately, she lives a plane ride away, so I can not offer to help her find medical care; accompany her to maternity classes etc.
Growing up she was close to me, spent vacations with my family etc., so she is not a distant niece…more like my “loved troubled” niece.
I advised her to put the baby for adoption, but she does not want to hear about it., I really hope she changes her mind.
Thanks for letting me vent!</p>
<p>Well, pregnant and (at first) unmarried at 23, I got asked (after making it clear we were having the baby) “How come you’re not getting an abortion?”</p>
<p>She’s 28, beautiful, brilliant, funny, and wonderfully caring–I’m glad that our families supported us, wished us well, and mostly said “congratulations.”</p>
<p>Do not ask how you can help. She may ask for a lot more than you care to give and make you regret the offer.</p>
<p>How about “My thoughts are with you as you embark on this great journey. Motherhood is an enormous challenge as well as one of life’s most rewarding experiences. Your family will be here for you and the child as he or she grows.”</p>
<p>I am strongly pro-choice, but a person who has made a public announcement of a pregnancy should not be advised that abortion is a choice. (Unless some significant health issue rears its head, and probably not even then.) They have already made that choice.</p>
<p>“Best wishes for an easy pregnancy and healthy baby.”</p>
<p>“When are you due?”</p>
<p>“I’d love to send you a good, safe carseat. Would that be OK?”</p>
<p>^^^</p>
<p>Excellent answers.</p>
<p>Many of us were “unplanned”…LOL…we need to keep that in mind.</p>
<p>Yeah, I don’t think it is the planning that is the issue here. It’s the unwed, unemployed part. She <em>may</em> have planned it–you never know!</p>
<p>
My young parents were asked the same thing by a certain relative who now seems to have forgotten that she advised my parents to kill me (though allegedly she felt really bad about it when she saw me as a baby). Saying that is not a course of action I would advise to anyone.</p>
<p>I love DougBetsy’s carseat idea…that is a thoughtful gift.
I would send a copy of “What to Expect When You are Expecting” with a note that welcomes her to call you if she has questions. It sounds like she doesn’t have a good relationship with her mom, and could use someone to be emotionally supportive during her pregnancy.</p>
<p>If I were you, I would try to sit down with her and convey with warmth and sincerity that you are happy for her being happy (because you love her and you’ve known her since she was young) but you just want to explore with her what this will mean for her plans for her own future. Ask how she plans on caring for the child financially and if she has plans for day care once she goes back to work (which is putting a positive spin on things). I knew a girl like her – so happy to be pregnant from the boyfriend who didn’t want to marry her – it’s as if the choice was made for her, and now she was on the big baby journey that would sweep her along to a new spot in life, but she had no idea it meant: being exhausted; having no money; having no fun with her girlfriends; finding it hard to finish school or find a job; finding it hard to find a new boyfriend (not every young man is willing to take on someone else’s child). Sure, babies are cute, and every celebrity seems to be adopting or giving birth or using a surrogate, but has she really thought out what this means for the rest of her life? I am not advocating abortion (even though I am firmly pro-choice) but perhaps the best thing for this troubled girl is to see herself as making parenthood possible for a couple who wants to adopt.</p>