I firmly believe that you can take your survivor skills and develop wisdom and empathy. That is priceless. As a therapist I have witnessed that the most mature adults are those that faced hardships and learned from those hardships. Others may seem so innocent and immature–which you may face feeling as you go along. As long as you survive right now and learn from these difficult times you are going to be more than just fine. You will always wish it had been different and that is super normal just as long as those thoughts do not run your life. Best! to you.
^Your therapist is absolutely right…if you put in the time and effort to take care of yourself now, you will be a stronger, more empathetic adult. My husband and his two siblings who survived a very traumatic childhood are not only kind people, they are successful professionals, and best of all, they are unbelievably good parents. If kids are in your future, you’ll probably be a great parent, too. Just make sure you surround yourself with good role models.
Hang in there. It will get easier. I promise.
Some of the best people I know as adults overcame significant issues when they were young. Be careful getting envious of those with “great” lives. No one picks their start. We all get to deal with the situation we’re dealt. The vast majority of those in cwappy situations keep perpetuating the cycle whether it’s addictions or poverty or whatever. They can’t overcome it or don’t see the need to. You’re lucky in that you see what it’s done and have the determination to do something about it. While I don’t wish a cwappy parent on anyone because it makes growing up miserable, there are some terrific traits that can come out of it for those with your personality. It’s its own sort of luck.
I had a 7th grade Guidance Counselor who knew my situation. He told me I had the ability to do well in school and escape to college. At that time college seemed so far off, but the time passed and now it seems so long ago. His advice changed my life. He probably doesn’t even remember it now TBH, but it made a world of difference for me.
My kids are very lucky, though I admit to trying to teach them the things I learned about “real” life along the way - to know what others have to deal with, etc. I make sure they see such things in their experiences - and see how they can do any little part to make things better.
I enjoy my adult life, but I wouldn’t go back to age 11 - 18 for all the money in the world.
And again, don’t feel you must write your mom completely out of your life forever. You might choose to now, but at some point it could be helpful to just accept her the way she is knowing that you’ve chosen differently for your life. With my dad most contact in my adult life was through phone calls and the occasional lunch or dinner a couple times per year. He didn’t choose his mental issues either. I recognize that. I didn’t let his issues affect my life (once I figured it all out and settled into the role I wanted), but I felt enough empathy for him that I didn’t want to abandon him either.
Did you ever get to watch Secondhand Lions?
In time, you’ll deal with her on your own terms. I think that’s part of what @Creekland is saying. For now, catch your breath and make the good decisions that are right for you.
One day, you’ll realize how many people, whether we older folks or your peers, deal/dealt with challenges, behind the smiles, brags, and good fortune stories.
Hugs.
Oh man, I am just now reading this thread. I’m so sorry @CavsFan2003. I want to reiterate what someone said upthread: you are not responsible for your mom and her behavior. You are young. Be a kid. You can decide later how (or if) you want to interact with your mom in the future, but for now just concentrate on you. Go bowling. Take walks. Write those essays. Just make sure you take care of you.
My DH had one toxic, ill parent and one who enabled the abuse. His HS debate coach was the one who got DH through and off to college relatively intact. If there is someone at your school who could be a mentor for you, that’s a fine addition to your therapist and supportive dad.
DH stayed in touch with his coach for another 35 years, until the dear man passed away four years ago. He was truly the parent DH needed but couldn’t find at home.