<p>Graduation is fast approaching. My parents have told me that they will be giving my kids a substantial amount of money for college tuition and room and board expenses. (They know we are struggling and can’t meet the EFC without dipping into retirement funds or selling the house). They are comfortably fixed, with no money worries. </p>
<p>Other grandma is also comfortably fixed, actually much more. However, given past history she will likely give a small check, $50. </p>
<p>Both will be here for the graduation. Here’s the dilemma. </p>
<p>Should the kids be told not to disclose the disparities between the gifts from the two sets of grandparents? What if grandma sees the kids jumping up and down when handed one check and then just saying ‘thank you’ to the other? I suppose I should make sure that the gift giving is not done at the same time, in front of the other, but how can I do that without telling $50 grandma that $$$$$ grandparents are giving much much more? Why should generous grandparents have to hide their generosity in order not to offend $50 grandma?</p>
<p>Has anyone else faced this potentially awkward situation?</p>
<p>It sounds like you’re a little resentful that the other grandma, although also “comfortably fixed”, is probably only going to give $50. That’s unreasonable; a gift is a gift. It’s main purpose is to express love; that is why when your four year old made you a bad drawing, you thanked them profusely like it was the greatest thing on Earth. </p>
<p>So, yes, I would remind the kids ahead of time that since each gift is more important as an expression of love rather than as $$$ in the bank account, so they need to show the same appreciation for each gift. The kids don’t need to announce, “WOW, A CHECK FOR SIXTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!” They can just say, “Wow, thank you Grandma! Thanks for thinking of me!” Then, when they open Grandma #2’s gift, they can say the same thing. </p>
<p>Don’t pass the checks around and you’ll be fine.</p>
<p>I’d make sure the amounts weren’t disclosed to the “other” grandparents. No reason to have any party feel that they “one-upped” the other one, or to make the not as generous grandmother feel bad.</p>
<p>To me, it doesn’t feel like your parents are having to “hide their generosity”; it’s just not being disclosed to one party here in order to potentially avoid hurt feelings. Your kids will know, you and your spouse will know, and your parents will know. Why does anyone else need to know?</p>
<p>Additionally, without putting words in your mouth or thoughts in your head, you don’t want it to come across to your kids that your parents’ gift is more “loving” because it was a larger amount. While you say your spouse’s mother can well afford to give at least as much as your parents, or even more, not everyone is wired to use their cash that way and it doesn’t make them any less decent, supportive, or loving. It’s their $$$ and they can do with it as they wish. Including to NOT make generous gifts to their children and grandchildren.</p>
<p>So, yes, I’d have your children keep quiet about the amounts. Better for everyone all the way around.</p>
<p>Oh, and like Naturally said, a gift IS a gift and your kids should accept each and every one the same, no matter the amount. It’s the thought behind it, not the amount.</p>
<p>Just a thought, if your parents want to give money to help with college, why don’t they give a lesser amount to the kids for a gift with which the kids can do whatever they like and then give you a chunk of money to help YOU fund college for your kids. I believe a gift to you is not reported on FAFSA.</p>
<p>Also, if they did not give that money how would you make up teh difference? Would you be paying it or your kid? You take a loan or your kid? Are your parents helping you or your kids? </p>
<p>Just thinking that the HS grad gift ought to be free of strings, not “here is your next year’s tuition” and then the disparity would be less impressive. If one Gma gives $50 and one $500, that is just life. My mum gives tiny gifts, $35 or so, and my in laws give more like $100-150, but no one thinks anything of it, my mother does other things that are more meaningful. If your parents are giving ya’ll $13,000 for a gift, and you are the one saving money, then that gift should go to you.</p>
<p>I suppose what I’ll have to do is alert the kids ahead of time to the situation. It will spoil grandma and grandpa’s surprise but I will have to in order to potentially spare other grandma being embarrassed. </p>
<p>Or find a time when other grandma isn’t around to give the gift. </p>
<p>I don’t want to embarrass my MIL, she is a nice person but perhaps has never gotten over the Great Depression, but I also want my parents to be hugely thanked and not have to do it quietly or secretly.</p>
<p>I agree that these gifts should not be open with both sets of GPs present. There’s no reason the gift-giving has to happen on graduation day. If your parents want to enjoy the surprised reaction, you all can set up a special time for them to come over or eat in a restaurant together.</p>
<p>Your parents offer to help with tuition should be presented privately. If it is a significant sum, perhaps it would be better to open UTMA accounts for the children to avoid gift taxes. </p>
<p>This is really an investment in their education and I wouldn’t even characterize it to the children as a graduation present.</p>
<p>I believe that the lessons of how to respond to a gift should have been taught long before the high school graduation. One never announces the amount of a cash or check gift. One simply thanks the giver with great appreciation no matter what the amount. If this has not been done by now, then this is a great time to do so.</p>
<p>Yes…we have faced this. For birthdays, graduations, and weddings, some family members give far more than others, and the income level is not an indication of the size of the gift. The thank you, however, is always heart felt and sincere.</p>
<p>Will the other grandparent ask their own child privately, “How much did the other side give?”. You might want to consider how to answer in advance, unless you don’t care if the other grandparent is then told the truth.</p>
<p>I liked the suggestion of a private dinner for the gift giving. Makes it special, yet no chance of making the other side feel bad. </p>
<p>I am a little surprised by the reactions to keeping it private. I keep thinking of that scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding where the parents made a wedding gift of a house! in front of all the assembled guests. But of course, one shouldn’t base manners on a movie. Probably the last place to go for etiquette lessons.</p>
<p>If you really want to maximize the tax benefits, the grandparents can pay tuition directly to the college. It avoids gift taxes entirely. I only wish we knew this four years ago; my mom’s been sending periodic contributions to my son and myself.</p>
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<p>I know it doesn’t address the OPs’ question, but for tax and financial aid potential, the best action is to keep the money out of either your’s or your child’s name.</p>
<p>Perhaps the $$ grandparents can give a symbolic graduation gift to the child and at another time present some kind of certificate for future tuition. That will allow them to have the joy of giving and the loving response and gratitude without anyone worrying about hurt feelings at the graduation ceremony itself.</p>
<p>We’ve faced this exact situation. My mother, who has an extremely modest and fixed income, has given our children very large gifts to their 529 funds (as in 10% of her total assets to each). My ILs who have (literally) millions in saving have given different amounts to different grandchildren, but in the
under $100 range to our kids. Love behind every gift, but different beliefs about the importance of education and the value of independence/making your own way. (My mother’s parents helped her kids through college, she wants to pay it forward; my in-laws have kids who are still financially dependent on them into their 60s). So good reasons behind each choice. That being said, my kids are hugely aware of, and grateful for, my mother’s sacrifice on their behalf. My son, who is attending her alma mater, emails her frequently to share his experiences and ask about hers. I agree with HAnna that it’s best to keep the gift-giving separate, and to do nothing to suggest that more $$ equals more love or is more deserving of thanks. But I also think it’s unrealistic for kids not to pay attention to the difference.</p>
<p>This really seems like a gift to the parents; as the OP stated they would have trouble meeting their EFC without it. Many (most?) new graduates looking at a large check made out to the graduate would instantly envision it paying for something like a new car and not a college invoice!</p>
<p>Hope y’all don’t mind if I vent for a moment. I don’t have a solution to the dilemma as several good options have already been given. But I have a big problem with grandparents who can AFFORD to give their grandchildren a substantial gift to help with college tuition choose not to do so. What better way to spend your money that the education of your grandchildren? I think it is incredibly selfish. If I am granted length of years to have grandchildren, it is certainly our plan to give our grandkids whatever we have in the piggy bank to help with their education. What better way to spend our money? Yes, it is the grandparents money to do what they see fit with, of course. It just boggles my mind that grandparents that can afford to help with college tuition, don’t. End of vent.</p>
<p>I think the “graduation gift” on both sides should be kept appropriate -$50 to $100. The grandparents who want to pay for college should write the check to the college and that announcment should be handled at a private dinner with them, not part of graduation.</p>
<p>This arrangement saves everyone’s feelings and is financially practical when accounting for where the money came from on next year’s FA forms.</p>
<p>Thriftymom- I think the difference in priorities lies values. Some GPs prefer spending their savings on elite retirement resorts, country clubs, boats and jewelry to impress their peers. Others value education and receive pleasure from their generosity to grandkids.</p>
<p>In our family, some of us kids have kids and some of us don’t. I don’t think it would be right if my or my husband’s parents were to pay for our kids’ education when the other kids don’t have kids…it just gets too wierd and messy.</p>
<p>We all have different income levels, though. So, if my parents were to gift my siblings with a certain amount…I don’t know. The grandparents are not the parents and who even knows how many other kids or grandchildren are involved. I think it’s not as cut and dried as people think…</p>
<p>I dislike the sense of entitlement you express. My parents paid fully for my education at a top school; my H’s parents did the same for him, both undergrad and medical school. They’ve taken care of their responsibility; now my kids’ education is MY responsibility, not theirs. </p>
<p>I am not “entitled” to have them fund my kids’ schools, esp when I’m able to. Frankly I’m not entitled to a single penny from any of them; they’ve worked hard, they should enjoy their retirements. Both my parents and my IL’s live nicely, with winter homes, golf, luxury vacations, whatever. Good for them!! I hope they spend every last penny and I don’t get an inheritance. I’m not owed a thing. They gave me the gift of an education so I could provide for my own.</p>