<p>S attends a very selective, highly ranked, private university, which is far away from home ( flying distance). He participates in a very time consuming EC, which he excels at, and his entire social circle is with other students in that EC. He had 3 solid semesters, with steadily climbing GPA, ~3.35, 3.45, and 3.55, and no grades below a B-. That GPA is actually a bit low for the top law schools, which he would like to eventually attend. Still, he was doing well, and I was pleased with his progress at this selective, rigorous University, which had been a reach school for him. </p>
<p>Then his 4th semester, he flamed out. He missed a fair amount of classes from being out of town for a major event for his EC (where he won a significant individual award) about a month before the end of the semester. He already had lower than usual grades that semester, and then fell behind in some longer term assignments and couldn’t complete them by the deadline, couldn’t handle it, and just checked out on everything. He stopped going to classes completely. And he didn’t show up to take any of his final exams. He stopped reading his email, turned off his phone much of the time, etc. During this period, he faked a brave face, and sounded mostly normal on during occasional (every week or so) phone calls home, although he was slower to return calls or emails than usual, and sometimes phone calls went straight to voice mail, and he claimed some vague computer problem that was impacting his access to email. </p>
<p>I have the password to his online student account, to access grades, schedule, and email. He knows I have the password to access schedule and tuition bills, but I don’t think he realizes that I can access his email. I’ve always occasionally checked his email from time-to-time, since he isn’t very communicative in general, and it lets me know what is going on. I started to get worried when his email looked like it wasn’t being read, late in the semester, and especially when I saw email indicating that he had missed the end-of-year banquet for his EC, with several people asking him about it, and him not replying. Then during the middle of finals, I checked the online grades and saw that he had an F in one class and had not shown up to take the final (in the class he had indicated earlier that he didn’t like and wasn’t doing well in), and got very worried. I was out of the country on a business trip at the time, working long hours in a very different time zone, and asked H to call S. H thought I was overreacting, but did call S and talked to him, and he seemed to be fine and said he was preparing for finals. H didn’t tell him about me accessing the system and seeing that he missed a final.</p>
<p>Then, on the last day of finals, I saw an email from a professor indicating that he had missed another final exam, this time in his favorite class that he had been doing very well in. That had me totally panicked, and I decided to fly out to his school ASAP, although after discussion with H, he ended up flying out that night. H showed up at S’s room, who was shocked to see him, and admitted that he had just given up the last several weeks of school, and they talked things through. </p>
<p>We arranged for H and S to meet with S’s adviser, who was incredibly helpful. We made an emergency appointment with student health services mental health department (although not much came out of it, except for scheduling a follow up visit). Based on advice from adviser, S send emails (with H looking over his shoulder) to all of his professors with a brief explanation and asking to be allowed a chance to make up the missed work. One professor replied immediately and offered him to take the test 2 days later, which S did. His grades for the semester were A, C-, F, and two incompletes. He is on academic probation. </p>
<p>H helped S pack up and move out (he was in a single), and put things in storage. S spent 1.5 weeks at home, then back to school where he had a paid summer research internship lined up, a sublet apartment with roomates, etc. He seemed normal and in good spirits while home, and happy as long we weren’t talking about school stuff, although he didn’t get together with HS friends, which he would normally do when back home. After a week, we tried to encourage to start doing the makeup work for his incompletes, but he wouldn’t do it. H and I debated whether or not to let him go back to school for the summer, but in the end thought it would be easier to work with student health services who hopefully had experience with this type of problem, and the adviser had suggested that it might be easier to make up work if near campus during the summer. We told him that we wanted to check on his status regularly throughout the summer and he agreed, and forced him to make a short-term plan, which he didn’t want to do, and certainly didn’t buy in to.</p>
<p>Now, we’re a few weeks in, and I don’t see evidence that he is making much of any progress on the makeup work, and is certainly not on schedule with the plan we forced him to make. He met with a psychiatrist at student health services again, but they didn’t give him any diagnosis, scheduled another appointment in a month, and suggested that he also meet with a counselor. (Of course, we’re only hearing what S is chosing to share with us.) </p>
<p>We told him clearly a week ago on the phone that unless he has made up ALL of his missing work before tuition was due, he isn’t going back to school in the fall, because we won’t pay tuition if we don’t believe that he will be able to handle it, and the best way to prove that he could handle it was to do the makeup work. He had said earlier that he wants to go back to school in the fall, and that he doesn’t know why he fell apart, that it seems silly looking back, and that he thinks he will be OK. He said he had felt stressed because he was at a school full of academic superstars and it was hard to not be “one of the elites”, like he was in high school, but that he really liked the school and wanted to stay there. I also suggested dropping the very time consuming EC, but he doesn’t want to do that. We also discussed taking fewer hours (he has a buffer from AP credits), not having a minor, and taking easier classes, etc. The school and his adviser have really been incredibly supportive, but I don’t think he will have another chance to salvage his GPA if he flames out again. The dean in charge of academic probation students said he should seriously consider taking some time off, rather than return before he is ready.</p>
<p>S is not making much of any progress so far on the makeup work, as far as I can tell. The professor for the class he failed offered him to audit the class during the summer, and he could replace the F with that grade. During phone calls, S has lied about email communication with professors (“she hasn’t gotten back to me yet”, when in truth she did, but S hasn’t replied back to the professor, etc.), but I haven’t called him on the lies, since I don’t want to admit that I’m reading his email, since I’m afraid he will change his password and then I’ll be in the dark about what is going on.</p>
<p>I’m looking for advice on what to do. I don’t know how much to power up the helicopter and interfere, or let him sink or swim on his own. Do I push hard and nag him to get things done? Do I admit that I’m reading his email and challenge him on the lies? Do I back off and let him deal with school work himself, and just be supportive? He has always been a procrastinator, but in HS could rely on being smart and quick enough to get by when doing things at the last moment, and the bar is a lot higher at his U. At this point, with his current level of effort, left to his own devices, I doubt he will be able to makeup the work in time. And what should we do if Plan B happens, and he doesn’t go back to school in the fall? My thought is to have him come back home, work a lousy hourly job, and find a local therapist. However, even lousy hourly jobs are hard to find these days, especially if he isn’t motivated to find one, which he won’t be, since he will be angry to not be going back to school. </p>
<p>I just don’t know what is going on in his head. Not showing up to finals, even for classes he liked? From the outside, it sounds like depression, but in person he didn’t seem depressed. From what he has said, it seems more like anxiety than depression. Yet, the psychiatrist didn’t diagnose anything, or recommend any medication. So, I’m just at a loss. Anyway, this was very long, thanks for reading, and for any advice.</p>