<p>About a month ago we became aware that our dd had been sneaking around and lying to us. It doesn’t appear that she did anything wrong in and of itself but was lying and breaking household rules (meeting boys we don’t even know much less had the opportunity to approve of). I haven’t seen anything to make me thing sex or drugs were ever involved but know it could have happened). My dh always plays the nice guy part, leaving me to be the heavy and then he agrees with them when they complain about me. She is saying she wants to move out when she turns 18, which is soon. I’ve tried to tell that she will lose respect from other adults that are important in her life when she does that but she doesn’t get it. They aren’t stupid and will wonder why she is no longer living at home when she hasn’t graduated from high school. She has younger siblings whom I don’t want to emulate her in her mistakes. She wants to go into religious work and even to a religious college. Maybe it is normal for a teenager to not see the incongruity of all of this.</p>
<pre><code>I am asking her when she gets home if she was where she said she was and if she went anywhere else. That’s what she is complaining to her father about. I am honestly not yelling at her, etc. How should I handle this? He is claiming he will ask her those types of questions and hold her accountable but he never had stepped up and done this with our other children. I am willing to give him a chance to do this but don’t feel I should have to tiptoe around a 17 year old in my own house. Needless to say the kids are very good at playing their father off against me. One of my other children will turn 18 early in their senior year so I don’t want the “when I’m 18 I can do whatever I want to” to set a precedent.
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<p>Wow – I thought I was the only unlucky woman who had this kind of husband. Not to derail your thread, but we were out earlier tonight and I told S’14 specifically that he was not allowed to have friends over. We get back; the house is a mess – sticky used glasses, smoky smell. Turns out H had said “ok to have a few friends over”. Then he got mad at me for telling S he’d be grounded next weekend. “You’re so hard on them.”</p>
<p>Sorry – I guess I thought we were supposed to act like adults with our kids.</p>
<p>Back to your situation – if it were my D, I’d be worried (from the date rape aspect).</p>
<p>It’s too bad he won’t step in and have a talk with her. I think your only choice is to take her at her word (that’s she’s soon to be an adult) and ask where she plans on living, where she’s going to get a job; how she’s going to afford a car. Or maybe just point to the checkout girl at the grocery store. Ask if she makes minimum wage. Do the math. Tell her how much gets taken out for taxes. Maybe a little real world info will make her change her mind.</p>
<p>If the dynamic between you two is not good and H won’t help, you are in a tough spot.
This. They play you off against each other because it gets them what they want. Sympathy, support, leeway, later curfew. Maybe you can tell H he’s being played and maybe he’ll start to see it. Instead of basking in the glory of being the popular parent.</p>
<p>I almost forgot to ask – she has no plans for next year? Didn’t apply to college at all?</p>
<p>My inclination is to let her and him run with it, which will be very hard for me. However, I refuse to keep helping her as a good parent with the kinds of things kids need help with - college applications, paying for a cell phone, etc. and then when I try to be a good parent to her in other ways have her walk away from me, go to dad, and complain. I think my new mantra will be “ask dad”. When can I have my cell phone back? “Ask Dad” Can I take your car to class “No, ask dad for his”. I know my dh will tell me I am tearing down our (dd and mine) relationship but if we only have a relationship if I allow her to manipulate me while disrespecting me, those are not terms I wish to base a relationship on.</p>
<p>She has money for college (just enough for a state school if she doesn’t fool around and waste it). She will probably move in with two older brothers until she leaves in August.</p>
<p>Im picking up that your daughter broke household rules?
Are they posted anywhere or otherwise made clear?
What members of the family are involved in making the rules?
Is there ever anytime when rules are revisited?</p>
<p>This is more than just about breaking the rules. Since she was caught and doesn’t like the consequence - semigrounded, etc. she is upping the ante and turning this into a father and her against me thing.</p>
<p>I was also disturbed by you saying you needed to ‘approve’, of her friends at 17. Sometimes, adult children rebel because their parents are too overprotective/overbearing. Lying is still not OK, but I wonder if there is a reason she wants to move out.</p>
<p>Why do you have to know and approve of all of her friends? She is almost 18, I would hope by now that you allowed her to make choices over the years and you can trust her to hang out with people that you “approve of”. To me you sound more concerned with what other people think of you and your parenting then actually being a parent. If an almost 18 year old feels the need to sneak out, I would say that your house rules are over the top and too controlling. This girl is going off to college in a few short months, what are you going to do then?</p>
<p>It sounds to me that you’re playing off your frustration with your husband on your daughter. These are two different things, separate them! As to your daughter, it’s time for your relationship to change. She’s not a child anymore, soon she’ll be off at college where you won’t be able to keep tabs on her at all. You’ve had almost 18 years to instill good morals in her and to teach her to protect herself. Hopefully those lessons have stuck. Trust her to do what’s right from here on. Keep loving her and give her all the support you can. Instead of punishing her, express your fears for her safety, and your hopes and dreams for her future.</p>
<p>My response to this would be very different if your daughter was 15. But she is almost 18. </p>
<p>Your relationship is going to change, whether you like it or want it. She is going to leave your home eventually. What you want is to have a child who cherishes her parents and the home they represent. You want her to become an adult who would like to come home for visits, not one who moves away at the first opportunity and stays away.</p>
<p>Go back and reread the words you wrote. Your tone is quite controlling, towards both your daughter and your husband. You can’t really control her totally, and with each month and year that passes you will lose more “control”.</p>
<p>She still lives in your home, she’s still a minor, and you still have the right to insist that she follow household rules. But keep in mind that the day she leaves for college or to move in with an older sibling you will no longer know where she is, who she’s with, what she’s doing, or where she spent the night.</p>
<p>It is a difficult time as a parent. It is also a difficult time as a child. She is trying to show you that she needs you to loosen the reins a bit. She isn’t doing it in a mature way, but you need to listen to the message.</p>
<p>Although you don’t have to relax all rules to compete with the most popular parent mantle that your H seems to want to win…you could relax some. Do make her aware about personal safety, not leaving a drink out of her sight or sharing drinks, always having enough money for a taxi etc. but try to treat her as the almost adult she is. As others have said, you have instilled the proper values in her already; they don’t forget. We gave our kids quite a bit of age appropriate freedom so there was little thrill seeking they needed to pursue in college. It is very hard, if not impossible however to parent well when one parent undermines the other in front of the kids.</p>
<p>My oldest calls this “Mommy-Daddying” and she laughs about it. </p>
<p>No two parents have the same relationship with their kids.</p>
<p>One effective tool is to sit down with H and ask him what HE thinks the rules should be and what outcome he is looking for and why, as a father, he is not concerned with the safety of his daughter, at all. Try to do this without an agenda, to really find out his thinking and his answers. (I know this can be challenging after so many years.)</p>
<p>You are in a role you don’t want to be in with your kid, which isn’t always great, but your child respects your position. The point is just to sit down, then, with her, and explain that you are concerned for her safety, and that the rules are not about you, but about keeping her safe. Try to bring her into the conversation rather than “tell her” how it is. Let her tell you what she thinks would be “fair.”</p>
<p>Then, let H and D both know, given what it is you have arrived at, what you are willing to do. Let H know you will no longer be the enforcer, since your daughter is older now and you don’t want that role. Let D know that if she wants your help, from now on, since she is older, she will have to ask for your help. If she doesn’t ask, she should not assume you are doing it. With freedom comes responsibility.</p>
<p>Good luck to you. You’re in that bad spot in the family, but you can get out.</p>
<p>ETA: You, essentially, need to hand the responsibility over to them in tandem with what they are willing to do themselves.</p>
<p>From personal experience and from what my college kids have witnessed---- it seems to be the kids who were allowed no freedom in high school or even the maturing process of making mistakes that get themselves into the most trouble freshman year in college. (socially and academically) Many of these kids lose their scholarships or end up on academic probation.</p>
<p>Hopefully you can find a balance between keeping her safe and letting her spread her wings.</p>
<p>My experience with a kid who went through the lying and sneaking out phase – they don’t necessarily do it solely to exert their freedom. Sure, there’s an element of “I’m an adult, and I can do what I want” but they sneak and lie because they know they’re doing something wrong, or at least against family values. Yes, it’s normal for teens to push boundaries, but that doesn’t mean the parent folds and lets the teen do as she pleases because next year she moves out. Yes, next year she’s on her own. But that’s next year. </p>
<p>I really don’t see this as much as a problem with D as it is a problem with H. D’s doing what teens do. H is letting her. He’s ok with being lied to? Or if he thinks OP is too strict, he’s ok with undermining his wife rather than talking to her about compromise? There are younger sibs in the house. This will probably play out with each sib unless mom and dad get on the same page now. Maybe look for some parenting teens classes (our church had one), read some books, or just talk to each other.</p>
<p>Is moving out really an option? Where is she moving too? </p>
<p>I sympathize. My three oldest all turned into monsters at 17. Determined to show their independence I suppose. It got ugly. The fourth child, not so bad at 17. Maybe I have learned from the first three? Maybe I am old now, and too tired to fight as much?</p>
<p>I think that living somewhere other than the parents’ home could be a great idea for a lot of high school seniors – or even juniors – who are feeling stifled at home.</p>
<p>And sometimes there’s an option available – a relative or friend who would be willing to host the teen for the remaining months of high school.</p>
<p>But there’s a catch. If the student goes to public school and moves out of the school district, she would likely have to change schools. And most high school seniors do not want to do this. </p>
<p>Sometimes, this is not a problem. A high school classmate of mine was having difficulties at home. She moved in with her aunt and uncle (who lived across the street from me) for a year. Both houses were within the same high school district, so it didn’t matter. </p>
<p>If the two houses are not in the same district, you can cheat. My sister did. She moved in with our biological father to get away from our mother’s new husband (for very good reasons). Dad lived in a different school district, but she never officially changed her address, and everyone involved kept their mouths shut, so she got away with it.</p>
<p>Not everyone is so lucky, though. People do get caught.</p>
<p>If your daughter can’t move out, could she make plans for a summer job that would take her away from home. Maybe a job at a residential camp? That would give her some freedom to look forward to.</p>
<p>Edited to add: Neither my sister nor my high school classmate who lived with relatives during their last year of high school lost respect. Nobody seemed to care much, actually. College comes a year or two too late for some kids. They’re itching to get away from their parents’ home. I think most parents understand this and can sympathize with (and maybe even envy) families who have worked out a creative solution to this problem.</p>
<p>She wouldn’t be the first teenager to threaten to move out when she turns 18, and obviously, most of them don’t, but I’m baffled by your comment that people won’t respect her for living on her own when she’s…an adult? Why would she lose their respect for becoming solely responsible for herself? Is it because it would be done to “punish” her parents instead of setting up her own household AFTER college?</p>
<p>In any case, it sounds like she hasn’t spread her wings too far, and that just maybe, you’re a little too controlling for a kid about to leave home for college. Your H being a softy is a whole other problem. Maybe you can sit down in a calm moment, and suggest that you all revisit the “house rules” and since she IS getting close to 18, you want to work out reasonable rules, with her input, about what is and isn’t ok, and what the consequences are. And WHY. </p>
<p>For example, WHY do you feel it’s necessary to pre-approve any boys she meets? That’s not even going to be possible when she’s away at college. If you’ve raised her well, she will remember what she was taught and make the right decisions regarding her new friends even without you there. Just a thought.</p>
<p>All of your responses are very helpful - both the sympathy and rebukes, as well as the advice. Thank you. </p>
<p>Yes, we are oldfashioned and want to meet someone if she is dating him. </p>
<p>We run in pretty conservative circles. If she moves out before graduating people will assume it is because she doesn’t want to live by our rules and will be surprised. I can’t think of anyone else I know who has done this other than very troubled teens - and not many of those at that.</p>
<pre><code>Yes, she will make her own rules when she leaves home. I do see the incongruity there but we have younger kids and have to have some house rules. Revisiting the rules is a good idea. However, no one is actually questioning the rules, not even her. Just annoyed I am enforcing them by asking her if she only went where she said she did. “It’s been three weeks, don’t you trust me” kind of remarks.
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<p>She has relatives she can move in with and school will not be a problem.</p>
<p>I knew one young lady who moved out weeks before graduating from a conservative Christian high school. She wasn’t allowed to graduate from that high school because of it, which seemed silly to me, but those were the rules at that high school. She moved in with some friends, I believe. She went through some rough patches, but I believe she is doing okay now. </p>
<p>“If she moves out people will assume it is because she doesn’t want to live by your rules.” I suppose that is true, that people will think that. And it is the truth, yes? That probably matters more to you than it does to her, I’m guessing. I imagine this is somewhat embarrassing to you, but teenage rebellion is pretty normal. Is there a parent support group you could go to to talk to other parents of teens? You’d be surprised at what some <em>model</em> families are going through/have been through.</p>