<p>She is applying for a summer position where she will be gone most of the summer, which would be good. She will have a lot of independence but not total so it would be a good transition for her.</p>
<p>I’m not sure if her motive in moving out is to punish me and/or have the independence she craves. Probably mostly not having to answer her father and I as she doesn’t have a holding a grudge type personality.</p>
<p>No I don’t have to approve of them to be friends. She has guy friends, no big deal. I don’t even know all of them personally. But I call meeting a guy who you are known to have a crush and going to the movies with him dating. He actually seems like a nice guy but she denies she likes him (contrary to public rumor from her friends). I offered for her brothers to meet him but she is backing away from the whole issue of that guy and claims not to be interested. I think maybe she liked him and not visa-versa - who knows.</p>
<p>I don’t think what she did was terrible but its the lying and sneaking part. There was another much bigger issue (with much lying and sneaking) I can’t post publicly that could have had serious long term consequences. Her friends got caught and she didn’t but I don’t see that she is tons wiser because of it. She’s not a bad girl - just wants her independence, not as mature as she needs to be (no surprise for a teen), and is very good at manipulating her father. I’m just trying to figure out how to get through a few more months of it.</p>
<p>Maybe I’m in the minority on this one, but at age 16-18, I wouldn’t have considered going to the movies with a guy ‘dating’ him. At age 24, I still don’t consider that dating someone. Dating implies a level of exclusivity, or at least the potential for that. I also would never have wanted to introduce someone like that to my parents, simply because it wasn’t at that level yet.</p>
<p>I understand that she’s breaking house rules, but if this is all you have to worry about…you should be thankful</p>
<p>I read a book, a long time ago, when my oldest was still in middle school, I think it was called “Why Kids Lie.” I found it helpful. I realized that my reaction to things was making it hard for my kids to be truthful. Also, pressing people for information they don’t want to give is going to encourage lying. At some point, like it or not, kids will start following their own moral code. If we make it easier for them to talk about situations and decisions they make without judgment, we are more likely to get the truth. Think about it. If you were doing something, not necessarily anything terrible, but something that you knew someone would disapprove of, would you want to share it with them?</p>
<p>I had a very wide range of friends at that age, and in my experience a kid at that age only wants to move out asap if they’re being suffocated by their parents. My single mom loosed the reigns on me when I got my license at 16, allowing me to do what I would outside the house so long as I obeyed the curfew I was given, did my chores and kept my grades up. This curfew became later at 17. I learned a lot over those two years preceding adulthood and the relaxed relationship I had with my parents made me comfortable living at home while I worked and attended a CC to figure out what I wanted to study. By the time I was 19 I knew what I wanted to do and made a plan to move out in a year to focus on my studies in my own space, which I did. If not for the good, stable relationship I had with my mom I would have made the mistake of getting a crap full time job and moving out as soon as I could, like so many of my friends did. Now I’m about to transfer to a university with awesome grades and have several years of “figuring myself out” already under my belt. I have no desire to party because I got it out of my system in an environment where it wouldn’t ruin my life or education. </p>
<p>I watched countless friends and girlfriends choose a crap major or find a terrible job just to get away from over controlling parents, and now most of them are either still working unpleasant jobs or have dropped out of school. I’d like to reiterate the notion that a 17-year old has at that point absorbed all the guidance he or she will, and anymore trying to “mould” them will simply damage a relationship and push them away. Sure, keep rules under your roof and clear curfews, but if you try and control every aspect of their lives they WILL find an escape, and when they rush it they very likely won’t pick a good one. </p>
<p>Sent from my Galaxy Nexus using CC</p>
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<p>Your daughter is becoming an adult. It might be interesting to think about house rules and how they should apply to adult family members other than yourself and your husband.</p>
<p>What if one of your siblings (or your husband’s) moved in with you for a while? What if one of your parents did? Which of the house rules would apply to these adult family members and which wouldn’t? Perhaps considering this question could serve as a guide to how house rules should apply to your adult daughter.</p>
<p>For example, you may have a house rule that calls for everyone to be quiet after a certain time in the evening because some family members must get up early for work or school. If your sibling or parent were living with you, you would expect that person to follow that house rule.</p>
<p>But would you expect your sibling or parent to participate in social activities only with people whom you and your husband have approved? Probably not.</p>
<p>Your unning in conservative circles is fine. But seems daughter and her friends aren’t. Such is life. Yu seem very concerned over what your friends might think beyond what your daughter is dealing with.</p>
<p>And going to a movie is not dating. Or if it is dating, it still the get to know the person and not ready to meet the folks. For some meeting the folks suddenly means the relationship is serious, and maybe your daughter didn’t want to go there yet.</p>
<p>Youneed to separate what you want and need from and for your daughter and what your circle thinks. </p>
<p>I can guarantee their kids are no angels</p>
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<p>YMMV, but I definitely wouldn’t consider that dating. </p>
<p>“Rumors” from her friends? Really?</p>
<p>Hugs to you, lovestheheat. Here’s an article that helped me recently, and I ended up buying the book: [Letting</a> Go of Your Teen - Focus on the Family](<a href=“http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/teens/letting-go-of-your-teen.aspx]Letting”>http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/teens/letting-go-of-your-teen.aspx)
You’ve had some good advice here, I think. As someone said, you’ve done the work, now trust it. (“If you train a child up…”) Yes, you have a right to have rules in your home, to protect your younger children and for your own peace, but there are aspects of your d’s life that you just can’t control anymore. This article talks about learning to identify what you can control and what you can’t, and how you are moving from rule-maker to advice-giver. It also makes this point that hit home with me: Your job is to love and nurture, but you are not responsible for making sure your child “turns out right.” SHE is accountable now for the choices she makes, and she will deal with the outcomes. I know you just want to spare her the pain of making mistakes, but she has her own journey, just like all of us did, and you have to let her take it. I’d like to PM you, but I don’t have enough posts yet (spent too much time in the parents’ caf</p>
<p>Lovestheheat,
I believe that we are given this time period and these challenges so that the separation will occur more easily in the fall. It is also a transition time. Think of it as slowly taking the training wheels off so that when she is on her own she has already had some time to make a her own decisions and perhaps fail while you are there to catch her. She is very close to being away from you and if you do not think she is mature enough now, what will happen when she is on her own? </p>
<p>Approach her at a quiet, none confrontational time and see if you can agree to gradual steps of independence and self control. She earns each further step and you agree to let go at each one. Allow for some mistakes and consequences for those mistakes that are not draconian. The goal is that she is completely managing herself responsibly by the time she leaves. Too many get to college without this and crash. </p>
<p>It is a difficult time but worthwhile, too.</p>
<p>I am much easier on my kid than my wife. It was the parenting style I was raised in and to be honest I found it worked best for me and my siblings. My wife was raised in a stricter home with more rules. I see mixed results from her style. </p>
<p>My general rule has more to do with staying safe and not doing something that will have negative life time consequences. I am very forgiving of young people though. I made plenty of mistakes as a kid and so did my friends and siblings- we were kids. We all have done fine as adults.</p>
<p>If I were her, I’d want to move out too. Gosh, since when is it a crime to go to the movies with a boy? Perhaps she didn’t tell you about it because she didn’t want to hear a long drawn out lecture about how her actions will reflect on the family. It sounds like the typical old fashioned Catholic upbringing based on casting guilt.</p>
<p>She should be able to go to the movies with a boy without getting the third degree. </p>
<p>Is she going to school regularly? Is she sober? Is she keeping up with her assignments and grades? Is she home at a normal teenage respectable time on the weekends? </p>
<p>Ruling with an iron fist will always backfire. Rules should be set, but they should also be reasonable. Trust that you’ve taught her right from wrong and that she’s old enough to start enjoying a bit of independence and freedom. </p>
<p>Instead of grilling her about every aspect of her life (friends, boys, dates, movies, gatherings with friends, etc.), perhaps you should take a different approach, one that is less about control and more about trust. </p>
<p>Going to a movie with a boy doesn’t mean she’s dating a boy. Even if she is dating this boy, your only role is to be supportive of her. Heck, if the expectations are for each and every boy she likes to be interrogated, interviewed, and approved by you before she can go to the movies with him, you are being unreasonable. </p>
<p>Love your daughter for who she is as a person. Stop parenting with the archaic attitude that every action she takes in life will reflect back on to you. By doing this, you are not even acknowledging the fact that her life is indeed her life to live and enjoy. It makes you and your perceived reputation among your friends seem more important than her life and experiences.</p>
<p>I didn’t read “dating” in the OP, just having friends who were boys, and I don’t see that as dating at all. Is the D allowed to do things with GIRL friends without their being questioned by the parents (or, yeek, the BROTHERS, because, what, their job is to “protest” her??)? I have no problem asking to meet my kids’ friends, but “approve” isn’t the word I’d use at all. </p>
<p>But what really stands out for me in the later OP’s posts is talking about how the girl might really like a certain boy because even though SHE says she does NOT, the Op is going by GOSSIP as a “reason” that the girl is “dating” and thus her “boyfriend” has to be “approved”. If I had to answer for RUMORS, I’d be looking at moving out too!</p>
<p>And although I’m one of those who said if you raised your kids well, they’ll remember the lessons, please for the love of all that is holy, don’t put think I’m anywhere near supporting Focus on the Family. It couldn’t be much more conservative and I couldn’t be much more liberal. I’m sure any followers would think there is no hope for someone like me, and that’s a good thing.</p>
<p>Nysmile has it right. I’d sneak around too if you wanted to meet every boy I might want to date. You have to let her learn to judge for herself so she develops skills for when she goes to college. You are almost guaranteeing she doesn’t bring a guy home for fear you will not approve. </p>
<p>Dad knows you are over protective so that’s why he’s the good guy in her eyes. </p>
<p>You don’t know what’s going on in your neighbors homes either. Stop worrying about what they think.</p>
<p>Lighten up, but keep aware. You catch more flies with honey…maybe she will let you know more if she’s not worried about you disapproving. Not saying no rules, just more realistic ones.</p>
<p>I just wanted to comment on something the OP said …as far as worrying about this daughter having somewhat different rules than younger siblings in the household, it shouldn’t be too difficult to have the younger ones understand that with age and a reliable track record (as this D seems to have, at least until recently) come increased freedom and privileges. It’s really no different than a five year old having less freedom than a ten or twelve year old.</p>
<p>Personally, I would have both the parents and the daughter sit down and have a calm, frank discussion. There should be consequences for lying. But there also should be an acknowledgment that she is now a young adult, and that she should be treated as such.It’s time for new rules and expectations to be developed…extending both ways. As an adult the daughter should also have increased responsibilities.</p>
<p>For us, there was a pretty simple answer for the “I’m going to move out when I’m 18” statement. </p>
<p>“Ok, you’ll be an adult then and can make that decision.”</p>
<p>When we used that on our then 17-year-old son, it took the wind out of his sails and we never heard it again. Of course, he realized we weren’t going to help with rent, food, or any expenses. He decided to stay in our home as the more prudent choice. And living in our home came with rules. But we loosened the rules as college approached.</p>
<p>We heard a speaker one time, who said that parents should evaluate where the kids are in terms of independence, skills, and corresponding responsibility, and look at what we desire for them at 18, then each year give progressively more independence and responsibility to reach the goal at 18. For instance, if you start at 14, give them 25% more responsibility and independence each year. Obviously this will vary from child to child, but it was a helpful way for us to think about it.</p>
<p>According to our daughter we *especially me became crazy parents when she turned 15. And while we still have our moments of parental insanity she feels that we have grown up. (I can’t wait until she has a teenage daughter). She is now a magnificent young adult. She is warm, creative and loving. Did she have too many rules…maybe. Did I play stupid too many times? Maybe. Did I remember my childhood…in the same neighborhood? Uh yeah. What I didn’t want was for her to leave and never come back. </p>
<p>There are so many things that we can’t control. There is danger out there. I wanted my daughter to be able to come to us. We laugh today about how many times she broke curfew. (but she called…to this day she calls). We all laugh that my son still “owes” about 10 years of being grounded.</p>
<p>And I did tell (finally) tell my kids my stories about high school…and I turned out ok.</p>
<p>bevhills, isn’t that the truth?! I would be so upset if my kids did the things I did. :)</p>
<p>And I turned out ok too.</p>
<p>I have read every comment and will reread them at least several times. I appreciate everyone’s advice and insight. My husband and I seem to finally be on the same page (at least in theory). We are going to relax a few rules and see how she handles it. The things that have become an issue with her were not an issue with her older siblings so I was caught off guard. I guess every child is different as they say.</p>