Once again, I knew I came to the right place for answers. I can’t thank you all enough. I apologize if I didn’t answer a specific question in posts…there were several and I felt overwhelmed trying to keep track of them and who asked.
When my boyfriend, now husband, and I had been dating up to 6 years, he still wasn’t allowed to sleep at our house. My Dad would pay for a hotel room for him. When DH got to know and love my aunt and uncle better, he stayed with them. That’s how strict I grew up. Although I think that was over the top, parts of that right/wrong upbringing stuck to me. It’s hard to shake, and I make no apologies for how I feel and believe.
But, I like to think I’m smart enough to realize this is not the way he or world sees things and I need to adapt for the outcome I want. When I worked, I kept a saying at my desk. “Don’t give up what you want the most, for what you think you want at the moment”. This applies to this scenario.
I want a good relationship with my son. Same with GF. I want them to want to be around me. I want them to want come home. I want to be a different person than my Dad.
So, i do like the suggestion of at least still feeling like “my house my rules”, by proactively saying when they enter “which room would you like?” I made the decision and I’ve given permission.
Because I think it’s important to make the gf comfortable, both as an invited guest and as a possible, potential member of your family, I really encourage you to talk to your son beforehand and make a plan. Please don’t put her on the spot asking about room preferences upon arrival. She is probably wondering about this, too.
eta… I’m assuming your son then communicates your preferences (whatever they turn out to be) to the girl friend.
The framing of and adult child who lives with SO sleeping in the same room at your home as reflecting “disrespect of your home” most certainly seems to be about their living together and I fail to see how this is not a judgmental point of view.
People who have a different opinion about not insisting on inflicting their values on their adult kids who have obviously rejected that particular value does NOT mean their relationship is not as “close.” Kind of smug imo, and no one here can judge the closeness of a relationship based on any one particular issue.
I think that is one of the important tasks of becoming an independent adult-figuring out which values are important and meaningful to you, and rejecting ones you may have assimilated simply because that’s how it was always done.
Good point, @alh . I’ll just talk to my son before they get here. We have one room that is bigger, and they might want that. I’ll ask him that. As far as I know, he, or she or both could be anxious about this whole thing too. (And how to play it).
This young woman is your son’s family. I think you need to try to understand this from her point of view. The conversation your husband had with your son doesn’t count as not letting them know how you feel. Your son knows. What makes you think she doesn’t?
When your husband “pointedly” told your son how he’d feel if he had a daughter and asked how her dad felt it was not only sexist but it was insulting to the girlfriend, her dad, her upbringing, and her mother. Either her dad doesn’t like it (meaning the girlfriend has lax morals) or her dad doesn’t mind (meaning he has lax morals and brought her up badly), or her dad doesn’t like it but her mom doesn’t mind (meaning her mom has lax morals). She’s not going to appreciate that.
Now you want to publicly show your disapproval by making them either ask for your permission to sleep in the same room or forcing them to sleep in separate ones. If you’ll let them stay in the same room if they ask you first, is this really a question of morals or is it about control? What do you gain by it? Your son is the one who’s chosen a different lifestyle than the one you raised him with, so what purpose did it serve to bring her family into it?
I think you need to focus on long-term plans. If she feels judged by you, she’s not going to want to spend future holidays with your family. You can use this weekend to try to make up for whatever damage has already been done or you can go out of your way to make her feel uncomfortable. Which benefits you more?
To expand on this I circle back to the OP that states the son had been sneaking alcohol. He is 26 years old I would not expect my of age adult son to feel the need to sneak alcohol while “on vacation”. This just sounds like it is more about continuing parental control than a moral dilemma. He is 26 years old, has been an adult in the eyes of the law for almost a decade and legal to drink for half a decade, it is time to let him make his own decisions.
@iaparent , we were actually laughing with the boys about how we knew they were sneaking alcohol at the lake With their friends (among other things)…in high school! Not now. But I can see how you might have thought that.
Some people have said they thought the 20s were more difficult to navigate with their adult children than the teen years!
Also, it’s a lot easier if the parents agree. I’m not sure what I would have done if H put his foot down and tried to veto our daughters bringing a BF home to visit and sharing a room.
Give yourself credit that you recognize your own upbringing is trying to have an opinion in your head and weighing whether that’s what you want in your relationship with your son.
Ask your son ahead of their visit and in your best, non-judgmental tone if you should prepare one or two bedrooms. In fact, a simple text message might be easier for you. There is a chance she senses how you feel and will be uncomfortable sharing a BR at your cottage. If he says they’ll share, bite your tongue and enjoy their visit. They are grown-ups. Whatever moral/ethical guidance you and your DH have given your son has taken root (or not) and you will only make them feel uncomfortable (and possibly alienate them) if you insist they stay in separate rooms.
Been down this road and followed my advice…Worked out well for us. Good luck to you.
I would not ask if they prefer one bedroom or two. If I was the gf and heard that I would likely decide to not come. This is not a dating couple, this is a couple who have chosen to share a home together.
One thing I like to ask myself before I move forward with something is “how important is it?” In the relationship you want going into adulthood with your sons and their mates and future grandchildren worth bringing up separate bedrooms. They have made the decision to live together which signifies to the community that they are a pair.
My thought on this matter might be different if you and your H practiced in your home a religiously conservative lifestyle that didn’t support sex before marriage. And even with that I would think about what kind of relationship I wanted with my adult child. My good friend has three children. The oldest rebelled against his religious up bringing. My friend expressed her sadness over his choices and prayed he would find his way. The other two kids lived the life they were raised in. All three are now married with multiple children and while my friend has learned to keep her opinions to herself on religion the relationship she has with that child, his spouse and grandchildren is different.
It’s dangerous to make assumptions. It’s possible they might defer to what they know about your preferences and opt to use separate rooms. Best way is to treat them like adults and ask what they prefer. Speak to DS and simply ask. Or, have two rooms prepared and tell them upon arrival that you have two rooms prepared and their accommodation is up to them.
I think it makes perfect sense to ask the son which room he’d prefer - if that is a real option of course and the house isn’t going to be flooded with a ton of people and anyone in his generation is expected to sleep on the floor. The son knows the layout of the house, and he can figure out what makes sense for him and the GF.
I could POSSIBLY see asking son about sleeping arrangements if they were just dating and not living together and you weren’t sure which they would prefer when staying with you. The fact that they live together makes it awkward, nonsensical, unnecessary, and judgmental to suggest, insist, or offer separate bedrooms. They don’t live in separate bedrooms and so why should this change because they are visiting you? To suggest doing so is not acknowledging or accepting that they share a home and bedroom.
If you had a single friend who was middle aged and now living with a SO, and came to visit you, would you ask them to stay in separate bedrooms?
Well, it’s your house, not mine, but they’re in their mid 20’s. I find it bizarre that you would keep them separate at that age. Would you rather that your son was unloved and alone, or running around around a new partner every few days?
Count your blessings, and don’t screw up a good thing. If you force your son to choose you might not be happy with the result.
Now, if you just disapprove of your son’s partner in general, that’s another story, but IMO, that should have nothing to do with whether they share a room.
Good for you! It’s impressive that you were struggling with something, thought about it, accepted others’ advice and have come to a decision you feel good about. I hope this is the first of many vacations that include this and/or other significant others!
I think you have to decide which of these is more important. If you insist on asserting control (“my house, my rules”) I wouldn’t expect your son’s girlfriend to feel at home. That isn’t likely to work out well for you in the long run.