This seems somewhat resolved, but I’ll throw in my 2 cents.
It sounds like it isn’t a hill that anyone is willing to die on, but either party could be quietly resenting the fact that they weren’t given the respect that they should have been given.
In my opinion, S should confirm with his parents that it is ok. I do think asking is a sign of respect. The parents should also respect his wishes and tell him that it is ok, especially given that they are adults and already living together anyway.
If this doesn’t happen (and it probably won’t) I would ask myself if this is worth having it become an issue. If it isn’t, let it go. Don’t just say you are letting it go, genuinely 100% let it go with no reservations or underlying resentment. This applies to both parties. However, the reality is that you are more mature and able to see this at 60 than 26. Maybe you were smarter than me when you were in your 20’s. I did a lot of dumb things in my 20’s, including the way I handled some family relationships.
The details of why are not important, but I didn’t ask my F-I-L for permission to ask his daughter to marry me. We had been dating 5 years, I knew him very well and didn’t have a good excuse. He wanted and expected me to, and I knew it but chose not to. That was dumb, and my reasons that seemed valid at the time were dumb. Fortunately he didn’t hold it against me, although he does still bring it up occasionally (mostly to have a bit of fun making me uncomfortable). I talk to him more today than he talks to my wife (or his other kids) because we just have a lot in common and get along really well. I know he was hurt at the time and I’m glad he overlooked the fact that I was being a disrespectful idiot when I was younger.
Kids of all ages see and hear all things. So when as parents we are strict or lenient on issues they absorb that info - but I truly believe they draw their own opinions.
Even as a 60 year woman, I find myself struggling to share certain things and maintain certain expectations in front of my mom. Even at 60 years old, I’m uncomfortable with my own behavior. And honestly, that my parents set us up to feel we couldn’t always be ourselves in front of them. It does NOT make me respect her more - I love my mom, but I hate that relationship piece that still exists.
I guess my child rearing theory has always been that “respect” is only ok if it’s a 360 circle. My H and I don’t deserve any more respect than our kids do. We provided them with ways to live that we felt (and MOSTLY agreed on) would make them “good people”. But we knew that was only one part of the equation and the world around them would fill in around our “ways”. Then the kids would reason and choose. Make changes as they change.
We have never been an “our way or the highway” household. I don’t know how you build respectful relationships that way.
I have an opinion on the matter at hand, but just wanted to check in and say that I really appreciate having a thread like this that reminds me of the good old days when something like this was the biggest drama surrounding us. When I first saw the title, I immediately assumed it had something to do with social distancing!
My S is 32 he has been dating a woman for nearly 4 years now. They’ve traveled the globe together. I told him he can have her visit any time and she’s always welcome in our home. I’m guessing if she visits, she’d share his full size bed, but I’d leave the details up to S. My 30 year old D assumes she’d sleep in S’s room as well. She was supposed to come down for a wedding—I got us one hotel room for me, H and D and a 2nd room for S and GF. D and I thought that made the most sense. S seemed pleased.
Of course it was all COVID-canceled because resort closed and groom was told no traveling by his residency program so he couldn’t attend anything out of his State of VA. Bride couldn’t fly from HI either.
I was brought up that no sharing beds before marriage too but I don’t really care and want my kids to be happy and comfortable, and their significant others too.
Well, H’s parents lived about 15 mins away from us when we were dating and married, so we never spent the night there, so this whole thing was a bit of a non issue. As for my parents…they tended to come visit us more then we went to visit them and they always stayed in a hotel since H and I’s apartment at the time was pretty small…
What complicated this particular scenario for me was the fact girl friend might be aware conmama doesn’t put unmarried partners in the same room.
Son: “Mom put Grandmom and beau in separate rooms. No way we’re sleeping together at the lake”. Then conmama asks girlfriend on arrival, “what room?” And girlfriend thinks, "On no…trick question!! what answer does maybe future MIL want??? "
Also, because on our other threads an astonishing number of partnered young adults were intent on telling us they were never having sex under parent’s roof. Never Ever
And because I know people who tell me their grown children with live-in romantic partners are not having sex till after the wedding. obviously one sleeps on the couch till then. And don’t dare tell grandmom any different.
Everyone wants girlfriend comfortable with sleeping arrangements. No way to know under these circumstances without having a conversation with son. imho.
Personally you have to do what is right for you and your family. If your son lived with you and was bringing one night stands home from the club, then yes, I could see nixing that! Personally I would hope kids have a little more respect for the family then that. If my S or D were in the same situation (living with significant other, in a serious relationship) then I’d let them sleep in the same room.
We had a big family reunion where we rented a large house up in the mountains and lots of spouses and people’s significant others slept separately, but that was due to logistics. You know, grandma and grandpa get the bed, Aunt Sally has a bad back, all the younger cousins want to sleep out on the screened in porch and have a sleepover, etc…
I had a relative who let her high school daughter’s boyfriend move in with them…I’m no prude, but I’m glad that never came up with my kids!
Well, thought I’d give an update. DH and I drove up to the cottage the night before my sons and the oldest sons live-in GF (they flew in from another state). GF stayed with her parents and Son came home.
We really didn’t like the idea of them sharing a room, as you know, and we’ve struggled with this on and off. So, on the drive up we discussed how to handle that felt right to us and it worked out. We decided that when they came in we would let them take the lead. They know how we are. If they went to the same room, so be it. We would squirm inside, but be cheerful and accepting.
If he asked us where we wanted them, DH was going to say “you’ve been here before, where do you usually stay?” So, that made me a little nervous. DH said, I’m sure if he was staying at her house her parents wouldn’t like it if he ran upstairs to her room.
When they arrived , we were sitting out front. When we were aware they were here, they had already dropped their suitcases and were on their way outside. They had taken the rooms they normally do. I thought that was considerate and respectful.
We’re having a great visit!! She seems more at ease than I’ve seen her. Anyway, just wanted to let you know.
I love the outcome of this particular situation. It sounds like there was respect all around.
But I am surprised at the comments throwing around the “judgmental” label. I cannot speak for the OP, but for the devout religious people I know, it’s not about judging another’s life choices, but about doing what you believe God wants you to do. It’s a personal moral issue that some believe extends to their household and how they demonstrate hospitality. Not all religious people look at this way, (and yes, some really are nasty and judgmental!), but the majority of the folks I know really just want to do the right thing, and don’t view themselves as old-fashioned or backwards, unless you count following an ancient faith as backwards.
I had several girlfriends with whom I cohabited. I made no secret of the relationships and that we were living together to my parents including my religious mother (who did not believe in premarital sex). Given her knowledge, I always thought it was strange that she had my GFs sleep separately. This would result in middle of the night rendez-vous. It felt a bit like kabuki theater. That ended with my last GF (and still my wife many eons later), to whom my mother said, “You can sleep with the girls … or you can sleep in Shawbridge’s room.” My mother had already stayed in our apartment prior to that visit, I believe.
When I had kids, I vowed not to play the pretend game of “I know you are sleeping with your partner but in my house I’m going to pretend that you don’t.” No kabuki theater. Plus, neither my wife nor I disapproved. The first time ShawSon wanted to bring his GF back to our house, our concern was for the comfort of ShawSon’s GF when he first invited her to visit. We decided that ShawWife would ask the GF where she was more comfortable sleeping (e.g., with ShawSon or in a guest room). She chose his room and we all lived happily ever after. Actually, they broke up a year or so later, to lots of sadness, but subsequent GFs have stayed with us as well and boyfriends for ShawD. Our comfort eliminates awkwardness and, I think, will make it for comfortable relationships if and when the kids get married.
People can consider it old-fashioned or whatever they like, but I would not be okay with it. Sure, they might be living together but that doesn’t mean that you should have to put your principles aside and let it happen in your own house. It depends on how big a deal it is to you and whether it would really bother you, it would be a no-go for me.
Lordy, some of these posts are like reading some Jane Austin pearl clutcher.
Did you all have sex while your children were in the next room all those years they lived with you LOL? Separated by a flimsy wall while you did the dirty night after night? While they were mere children? ?
The horror!
One of mine had a long time boyfriend live with us for a time. They shared a room. It’s funny, I never really thought about sex at all. I mean, of course they were having sex, but it just wasn’t on my mind at all.
This is just something that personal and family cultures will vary on.
I was true to myself, and you can be true to yourself- with very different results
When my son was in college, he had his roommate and roommate’s GF stay overnight with us as they were passing through town during a school holiday. We did not discuss where anyone would sleep, I just had the guest bedroom and my daughter’s bedroom set up as needed. I truly didn’t care where they slept, but didn’t want to make the assumption that the GF would be comfortable sleeping together while visiting someone she didn’t know.
In the morning I saw the guest bed was not disturbed, so knew they had stayed together. If my memory is correct, I believe my son told them it was fine to stay in one room.
When my kids were dating their now spouses, I was fine with them sharing a room, if they were comfortable with doing so. Both my kids were surprised their dad and I would allow that, which surprised me that they didn’t know us well enough! I though my now DIL would not want to stay in the same room as my son, but she surprised me! At her parent’s house, they were not allow in the same room until they were married, even though they were engaged and living together.
Bottom line is that everyone can have their own feelings about who should or shouldn’t share a room – but with mutual respect, communication, and kindness it can all be worked out.
