<p>A few posts on the Diet,Exercise, etc thread got me thinking about this.</p>
<p>Especially for those of us at or nearing empty nest.</p>
<p>Have you or your spouse found a new interest (not THAT kind!! ) that has put a wedge in your relationship??? Especially in relation to health/wellness?</p>
<p>For instance, one spouse starts eating healthy while the other still wants chips and dip twice a day?
One spouse starts exercising regularly while the other remains the couch potato and resents the exercise time?
One spouse starts a new hobby (like golf) that takes them away hours a week and the other resents being left at home?</p>
<p>How have you compromised? How have you not? </p>
<p>I started a fitness and better eating way of life almost 2 years ago. H eventually got on board for awhile but also fell off board for awhile and wasnāt very encouraging when I stayed true to my new ways. We still struggle with this. </p>
<p>Yup! I finally gave up and told him he was in charge of his own health and I was in charge of mine. It created a lot of conflict for a long time. The only way that i could cope with it was to check out of that part of his life and let the chips fall.
Eventually, my youngest D who is in a health care area of studies caught on to his denial and apathy and she started to pressure him. It seems to be working. He is going to the gym now and pays a little more attention to his food choices. Looks to me for verbal validation about his efforts and I have to say I have a hard time giving them. Part of me feels, right or wrong, that if he cares what I think about it, he would have listened to me years ago and made changes. He has to do this because HE wants to change and get healthier. Heās not a four year old with a reward chart on the refrigerator.</p>
<p>DH has always been a serious, serious athlete. In HS, he wrestled, played lacrosse, and was on the football team. In college, he did varsity football, rugby, and lacrosse. When we met, post-college, he played rugby, and also either went to the gym or ran the 20 floors of stairs in our apartment building every day. He weighed 160 when we got married and was as fit as anyone Iāve ever known. </p>
<p>I, on the other hand, would touch my toes a few times a month and that was it. Nevertheless, I weighed 103 when we got married.</p>
<p>Fast forward: He plays squash and teaches tennis. He thinks heās fit, but heās gained ā get ready for this ā 60 pounds! I have now taken up going to the gym religiously, three times a week, and I still weigh 103. </p>
<p>He knows he needs to lose weight, but I have never never nagged him. I wait until he brings it up and then I agree with him. </p>
<p>DH understands how important fitness is. Heās just a poor example of it himself right now. But he has never sabotaged me at all.</p>
<p>VH, I donāt know if I EVER weighed 103! Good for you keeping at your young weight!</p>
<p>Itās a thought provoking topic. I wasnāt quite sure how to word my thoughts, but knew that so e would have stories to share or understand what I was getting at. </p>
<p>Your H clearly understands the value of fitness in daily life. Sounds like he Needs nutrition intervention!</p>
<p>OK, if you donāt want TMI, stop reading at this point.</p>
<p>I was always fairly sedentary and VERY unathletic. But then I started running in 2006, at the age of 44. I am still unathletic, but I am healthy! BP of 108/76 - last week the doctor said Iām in great shape. Feel really good about myself.</p>
<p>DH used to be the athletic one. He would ride his bike 60 miles, for example. But work got in the way, and he started putting on weight. Three years ago this month, I made a deal with him. He gets ābenefitsā each day that he runs or does other strenuous exercise for at least 30 minutes. Letās just say heās in incredible shape now! Six or seven days a week that guy works out! It has been a real success story. And our marriage is better than ever! :)</p>
<p>I had a hard time NOT bringing it up. I was concerned. H had a strong family history of diabetes, both type 1 and 2 that spanned his motherās and his fatherās branches of the family. He also has several relatives with pancreatic cancer and liver cancer and duodenal cancer. Heart disease, stroke,high blood pressure and other assorted maladies pepper his family tree.</p>
<p>Sooooā¦about three years ago, H was told her was pre-diabetic. He did nothing about it. Did not exercise, did not change his eating habits and was hostile in response to any suggestions that he do so. About a year later he was dealing with type 2 diabetes. I spent the next year and a half cajoling, begging, explaining, etc. And then one night he made a comment while we were out to dinner with another couple,in response to my concern that was going to order chicken fried steak, that was mean and uncalled for. On the way home that night I tld him that he would not hear another word about his health from me. He was on his own. And I have stuck to it.</p>
<p>And now that he is responding to pressure from my D, I am not inclined to praise him and reward him for doing something that, had he listened to me years ago, would have prevented the diabetes.</p>
<p>I laughed, MaineLonghorn. Goes back to the old, āpeople do what you pay them forā¦so be sure to set the incentives up rightā I learned in B-school.</p>
<p>We arenāt exactly on the same page, but close enough. I started exercising first, but dh actually is much better about sticking with it than I am. I think his low carb diet is boring and Iām not interested in his pile of vitamins. At the moment I weigh 8 more pounds than when we got married, but probably 10 pounds less than when I got pregnant with S2. I think heās up about 10 pounds. My blood pressure has always been slightly better. I kind of miss that there are things I just canāt cook any more because he wonāt eat them - pizza, anything with pasta, rice based dishes. But Iām probably better off only eating them as splurges as well.</p>
<p>Out of curiosity, is he a bit independent minded to the point he feels any input or suggestions into areas like oneās diet is intrusive and āa man should have the right to eat whatever he feels likeā? </p>
<p>He sounds a bit like me in some ways, minus the history of type 1 diabetes, other health problems, and the like. In my defense, a part of that comes from being the short chubby fat kid who got lots of chidings and scoldings about what heās allowed to eat and then after the adolescent growth spurt and end of freshman year of college, the same older relatives were now chiding me about ānot eating enoughā. </p>
<p>With such an experience, I wouldnāt blame anyone for feeling imposed upon when othersā¦even SOs/spouses offer input on food choices on the basis of āitās healthy/nutritiousā rather than āitās tasty!ā </p>
<p>Incidentally, I am on the lower end of the healthy BMI range, do exercise nearly every day, and donāt have much of a sweet tooth except on rare occasions. However, I do have great weaknesses for salty type foods and snacksā¦such as chicken fried-steak. </p>
<p>Oh, manā¦loved having it while attending college in NE Ohio and during my few trips south of the Mason-Dixon line. :)</p>
<p>My father inlaw was just diagnosed.
However hes 85 and drinks wine or beer, everyday, always. He told the doc he would give up the beer. Hes switching to wine.
Also, their Scandinavian diet isnt the greatest. But he did quit smoking in his late 50ās.
:)</p>
<p>May be better to be pleasant and supportive now, even if he doesnāt deserve it, that to be permanently unpleasant about it, which will do neither of you any good.</p>
<p>What annoys me is every time I make a commitment to lose weight or get healthier, suddenly my husband gets thin! I swear - - I think about it, and he ends up losing the weight. Whatās with that?? Drives me bonkers.</p>
<p>EPTR- dissociate love et al from his health. Enjoy him as a person regardless of any āflawsā. A lot easier to want to do something if loved than if nagged. Take this off the table in your relationship- not by substituting your D for what you would do. I have struggled with weight most of my life (if I hadnāt felt fat as a teen I may not have eaten for comfortā¦). I know better- MD. I understand the psychology, MD H doesnāt always seem to- heās always been a noneater. I have learned to usually not feel guilty for eating as he never would. Still learning to ignore his disapproval- not stated but there are the nonverbal ācommentsā. </p>
<p>Retired here. H is a runner, I like walking. He runs when it is cooler here in Florida, before I get up after reading into the night. I would swim more if there were no sun/skin issues, sigh. We do a lot of meals with whatever each wants from the refrigerator- including leftovers I cook that he enjoys more than I do. Knowing and doing are two different things. There is a psychology behind why we do/donāt do things. Harder to do the cooking I love when he, a small thin man to begin with, has decreased his food intake as he ages into his 60ās. </p>
<p>He likes doing online and other courses. Some I recall studying decades ago in college classes, albeit at the state of the art then. I read mainly fiction, plus some of the library books he checks out. There is a Great Books discussion for seniors he has done with several people. Have met some of them and one other American wife married to an immigrant (Indian/English Hās) also doesnāt want to do. We figured it out- we did plenty of that in HS and college while our Hās were taught to memorize and give the correct answers instead of American style challenging ideas. I am not threatened by his spending time with others in activities. We both still seem to share core philosophies. I also think we have adapted to each otherās preferences. Occasionally I have though of the direction my life would have taken if my spouse had different interests. I have learned he will never be a shopper (I mainly look without buying but do most of his for him).</p>
<p>OK, the above seems garbagy to me but Iām going to leave it as is. How do you explain decades long relationships and accommodations with another person? By now I know what he will never understand- some things just donāt enter his brain, despite his intelligence and abilities. </p>
<p>Retirement means a new dance with each other and we still are figuring out our moves.</p>
<p>H decided a few months ago that he wanted to be āgluten freeāāwe still have a bunch of kids at home and I resent having to buy/prepare āspecialā food for him. This isnāt an allergyāit is just his idea that it is healthy for him. (We already have a few lactose intolerant family members to be considered, so eliminating wheat on top of that is a problem for me.)
I thought maybe it would help him lose weight (he has gained about 40lbs since we were married and is pre-diabetic/runs in his family), but if anything he has gained weight. He refuses to exercise and is extremely sensitive if I mention anything about his diet/lack of exercise. (I wish H would lose about 20 lbsāI find the extra weight unattractive. I try hard not to mention it, though, because he gets mad if I do.) I donāt āwork out,ā but am very active/thin. I like to swim in the summer, and do all the physical work around house/yard. I donāt accept the gluten free diet. I roll my eyes at it. He will buy/make his own food sometimes. A lot of stuff we eat does happen to be gluten free, but Iām just not willing to go out of my way for this for no reason. It annoys me that he wonāt eat what everyone else is eating.
H has over the years gotten involved in other time-consuming āprojectsāāusually church related, volunteer work, discussion groups, choir, etc. And I often have to (involuntarily) volunteer with him. (He has a habit of āsigning me upā for stuff Iām not really interested in.) I resent the time H spends on these things because he works very long hours already and extra activities take even more time away from the family. (He doesnāt really ask for my input/opinion when considering what HE wants to do. . .)
I have no advice about how to handle these types of conflicts, but I guess every couple has a few of them. We donāt really argue or fight about these things, but I do complain/express my annoyance at times. H pretty much ignores that and just goes on doing what he wants to do.</p>
<p>@eptr
I think it is very hard for some spouses to take advice/ideas from another spouse who doesnāt have to deny herself or have that problem. </p>
<p>My H is a foot taller than me, and he has a few minor health issues (thyroid, blood pressure, sleep issues, etcā¦I have no health issues). Because of his height/size, he thinks that he should take more meds than whatever the recommended dosage. Then heāll have some bad reaction to his over-medicating or he will run out of an Rx before he can refill, but if I say anything like, "well, you shouldnt have taken that extra half pill (or whatever), he gets annoyed. (H comes from a family where no one dared to give his my-way-or-the-highway-dad any advice, and the boys in the family are lesser-versions in some ways)</p>
<p>Sometimes it can feel like a bit of a marble game. Sometimes one spouse perceives that the other spouse has more marbles, so they arent about to give one up to them by admitting that the other spouse is right.</p>
<p>@atomom My H will sometimes insist on eating low-carb, and that is ok, but I get annoyed if I go to all this trouble to prepareā¦and then late at night he will rummage thru the fridge or pantry eating carbs. he gets annoyed if I mention it.</p>
<p>Just to be clear, Iām not unpleasant to him. I just donāt give any input at all about his food choices, exercise habits, etc. When he tells me he is going to the gym I say āhave a good workoutā. Period. There is definitely some deep psychological component to his attitude. In every other aspect of his life he is in complete control. To the point of being a bit obsessive. The eating, health issue is his outlet. Itās where he lets loose and gives up his control. I have told him this in the past and encouraged him to find a healthier way to vent those feelings.<br>
My D told him that she would be very angry at him if he died because of self neglect. That seemed to hit home for him. </p>
<p>Getting healthy, changing your eating habits and beginning daily exercising are life style changes to me. They are not hobbies.</p>
<p>When you ( this is a general you) decided to change your life style it was because it became important to you to do so and you decided you were willing to commit to it.</p>
<p>How can you expect another person to just jump on your bandwagon because you have decided it is time and you are ready to do this? </p>
<p>You have made a personal and independent decision to do something. Then you decided your spouse needs to do this too. </p>
<p>Your spouse needs to come to this on their own. Maybe they will. Maybe they wonāt. </p>
<p>I canāt imagine saying to my spouse " Hey, this is what I have decided we will do." That just would not go over very well.</p>
<p>You might call and talk to his doctor about this. The doctor canāt really share info with you due to HIPPA, but you can certainly tip them off and suggest that they make sure he understands his medications ARE already adjusted for his height and weight next time he is in the office.</p>
) that has put a wedge in your relationship??? Especially in relation to health/wellness?</p>