<p>My spouse plays poker, golfs, has season tickets to baseball and is looking forward to woodworking in his soon to be retirement. </p>
<p>I’m looking forward to getting back to my art and going to lots of live music events. </p>
<p>We will meet on some of these things sometimes but neither of us expects the other to jump in with both feet. That’s why we both have other friends that we do these things with. </p>
<p>I don’t mean to sound like a jerk and if I do, I apologize. </p>
<p>I think your expectations need to be more realistic. I think you should expect total support but not total participation.</p>
<p>When we married my husband was the athletic one. He did everything and did it well: tennis, golf, windsurfing, running, swimming, you name it. We were both healthy and slim, but I was the one who would rather retire with a book while he woke up early to waterski. I let him do what he wanted. </p>
<p>Fast forward a few years. After the kids were born I started running then training for events to have an outlet away from home. I am very disciplined and will get up super early to find time to work out without disturbing anyone. I have taken short trips with friends to participate in athletic events. My husband has alternated between being supportive and (I think ) jealous. I think there are times he wishes it were he. He has been busy with work and (I contend) isn’t as disciplined as I am. He is more of a natural athlete, I am more of a hard worker. </p>
<p>How to handle the tension? Like I said, I try to train when it won’t bother anyone. I get up early, I work out at lunch, etc. I also try to include the family. My husband is still active, he just is older and a little fatter. There are things we do together either the two of us or the whole family. I don’t show off. If there is something I am really good at, better than the rest of them, I am modest about it. I still let H go off and do what he wants, like ski, even if it is something I am not crazy about. Lately I have had to remind him that I always let him do what he wants. </p>
<p>Going forward, I think we need a mix of things we do alone and things we do together. We need to take an interest in the other’s solo hobbies without being smothering. </p>
<p>Best line of this thread that should be framed:
“Retirement means a new dance with each other and we still are figuring out our moves.”</p>
<p>Atomom, your H sounds a lot like mine! </p>
<p>Sax, I believe I referred to “life style changes” near the beginning of the thread - that would apply to some of the health changes. Hobbies would apply to the people taking up golf, book clubs, etc. </p>
<p>Its not a matter of “if I’m going to do make this change/add this interest, you are too”. Its more like this change/interest is changing the dynamics or responsibilities of our relationship - it can certainly be for the good, but many do not accept change this way or are intimidated by change - especially when it comes to wellness I think. </p>
<p>Perhaps the best “dance” is when each spouse/partner IS fully open and supportive to new changes and interests without a need to feel neglected or bothered - to look at it as an opportunity to think about new creative choices for yourself, or a flat out “I’m satisfied with things the way they are - you go pursue your dreams”. </p>
<p>But I also must say it’s DIFFICULT to watch a spouse not take care of their health. Not looking for perfect - I’m certainly not! - but to see bad habits and lack of motivation to better health totally off the table for them. </p>
<p>I’m not sure where I fall on the issue. I walk for fitness as well as mymental health. My husband alternates between running and going to the gym. He does something, every day, without fail. And that’s where I have the problem. His workout schedule is the most important thing to him. Meanwhile, the house, our kids, me, the yard, etc. have to wait. I walk when I can, early, late, not at all somedays, etc. With him, the workout is first and words can’t begin to say how much I resent it. That, and the sweaty clothes he leaves all over the house. And yes, I’ve tried talking to him about it, but like all things it turns into a batle of wills.</p>
<p>And no, he’s not training to be in the olympics or something where his workouts should be his number one priority, it’s just his way of making it all about him and what he wants.</p>
<p>Clearly an issue in our house…I support the idea of physical fitness and his well being, I don’t support it being his number one priority.</p>
<p>tired, I don’t think either you or your H are wrong (except about the sweaty clothes of course, that’s just rude!). It sounds more like an unfortunate mismatch of priorities. </p>
<p>Tired, I have an ex-boyfriend who was like that about his workouts at some point. He also wasn’t training for anything. The way he explained it was that he was really trying to get healthy, and he wasn’t used to exercising daily, so if he didn’t set a very firm schedule, he would just start skipping and end up not doing it at all. He also wouldn’t skip them for anything, not even holidays or vacation. Again, his reasoning was that if he wasn’t that strict, he would fall into old patterns. I do feel for you, but I wonder if your husband has similar reasoning - if he does, would that make you feel at all better?</p>
<p>The sweaty clothes around the house - that would set me off!!! </p>
<p>I can be a little anal about getting my runs/workouts in - it’s a promise to myself and a standard I hold myself too. I am adamant about “excuses” not getting in the way - #1 priority would be family/home/job, but to a degree. Laundry can be put off a day or someone else can help so I can have 45 mins to exercise. Dinner might be simple if that is what gets me my time that day to workout. Am I not going to take my D to the doc or have a cluttered messy house cause I have to exercise? No. But I do find I have to make some type of “promise” to myself - and keeping that promise makes me feel REALLY good - much more satisfying that laundry, home repairs etc!!! You do have to find a balance.</p>
<p>Maybe if you can solve the sweaty clothes mess, you won’t feel quite as bothered by the exercise time itself. But also sounds like your H could “give a little” or adjust a bit. </p>
<p>I don’t have an answer to the intimidation or feeling threatened by someones new activities issue. It never entered my mind but I can see where that would be a real problem when you start something new and are excited about it. To have to worry that your partner will get mad at your change is pretty crummy. I guess that is what you were asking all along . </p>
<p>I also like the “dance” analogy very much. </p>
<p>I stopped doing some things that I liked in the last 20 years because no one in my family wanted to do them with me (like going to parades on the holidays and driving down the shore to hang with friends on summer weekends.)
Our friendships changed because of that and I found out too late that it really mattered to me. So now I try not to give things up anymore and just do them without my spouse. He is content with that and although it angers me he wont go I certainly cant make him go. So I guess I just gave up. </p>
<p>We have been together since we were 18 so there has had to be some give and take as we each grew older. I suppose I gave more to keep everybody happy. Now that its just he an I, I have found it easier to just go and do things with my friends. </p>
<p>It certainly is not ideal. Now you’ve got me thinking…</p>
<p>I find having an unwarranted hysterical meltdown about how he’s going to die and leave me all alone has been quite helpful…But seriously, we have some things we do together, some things we do apart, but have found that unlike the crazy busy years with kids, we really have to be intentional. That whole " marriage is an empty box, you only take out what you put in" idea. If we intend to grow old together, we make choices that work towards that. It feels very strange to do it that way, but it wasn’t gonna happen otherwise at 50+ and both of us working.</p>
<p>We honestly have turned down stuff because it pulled us away from each other - I was a museum docent, but it was hours apart. He was a very involved church leader, but again, hours apart. We found a church mission we both could contribute to, and do it together, but we had to work at it, it didn’t just happen. I find as I grow up I need more patience, but have much less of it! I think being really honest and direct (but not accusatory) works better than the typical woman behavior of snarky and/or the expectation of mind-reading. And hysterical meltdowns are my plan B</p>
<p>I really, really hate to be nagged–and I hate it even more when my wife is right about whatever she is saying. I know this is a character flaw, but it’s the truth–I may even react by deliberately continuing or increasing whatever it is she is nagging me about. (From her point of view, of course, she isn’t nagging me at all–just pointing out the facts.) But when my doctor tells me the exact same thing, I take it differently. I think this probably works both ways, but I seem to observe this situation more with men. I guess my point is that if you really want your husband to lose weight, get him to see his doctor. Although I also like the system MaineLonghorn described above–I don’t know if I have the nerve to suggest it in my own home, though.</p>
<p>It’s my iPhone that my husband has been objected to me spending hours on, but I usually sit next to him playing all kinds of games while he’s watching basketball or any sports. I don’t like to watch TV, so what should I do? IPhone is my vice.
In most things we agree on, he is better fit that I’m, still thin, still has lots of hair. He is the one that loves to eat vegetables, I however, likes to grow vegetables but don’t eat them nearly as much as he is. I like to eat my own version of junk food.
But he has some minor heath issue, I’m younger, the health issues have not caught up yet. But we have agree as we age, we are going to forgive ourselves for things that we might not have done when we were younger, won’t beat us up for forgetting things, loose things, waste money by forgetting to turn a light off.
We have a silent agreement that we are going to take care of each other as best as we could, we exercise together, do most things together, and enjoy most hobbies together. It’s funny this is how we started out when we first got married. The priest that married us told us to give each other space for a marriage to grow, surprising that comment still rings true today, so we did buy a reasonably big space for both of us to pot around. </p>
<p>The menu planning part I am completely in charge of fwiw. My husband very seldom cooks or grocery shops. He will complain if he wants chips and we don’t have any, but if I put grapes in front of him, he will eat them. I do use my menu controlling power over everybody in the house to get them to eat better foods. Their laziness works in my favor. </p>
<p>I see two issues here: H resenting your activity and H not wanting to be active himself. The first issue I have had, and have dealt with by trying to spend time with him doing what he likes to balance out me doing what I want. And as mentioned, I will get up early and give up a meal to not rock the boat. I saw myself in Tired’s post in that there are days when I feel like the only thing I get done is my work out. I hope my family doesn’t see me as doing just that. I have been lucky enough not to have the second issue. My H gets lazy sometimes, but is pretty good about righting himself. When he sees me heading out the door to do something active, he wants to go, too. </p>
<p>^^^ This makes me think a bit - I am definitely a “loner” when I’m exercising - want to do it alone! I would take a walk with someone else, but most times choose to do it on my own. I would be ok with going to the fitness center together, but then do our own individual things. </p>
<p>When H and I were dating and newly married, he played rugby every Saturday. EVERY Saturday. In the beginning, I would go with him, and sit (or stand) on the sidelines with the “women.” After a year or two of this, I realized I absolutely hated going. I had nothing in common with the women, didn’t enjoy the games, and was usually either too hot or too cold. And always bored. So I told him he could continue playing, but just let me stay home. It worked out really well for us.</p>
<p>OTOH: When I was fresh out of business school and about two years into a great job, I was working very hard, including weekends. I enjoyed it. DH felt it took too much time away from him and told me he wanted to be my main priority. Foolishly, I stopped working so hard, in order to make him happy. I shouldn’t have agreed to it: It really did set my career back and didn’t make him much happier anyway.</p>
<p>Re controlling what comes in the house.I do 99% of meal planning & 75% of prep.
However, he gets tetchy if more than the occasional meal doesnt have flesh, but on the other hand, he doesnt complain when we have cold cereal for dinner.
His job is physical but not aerobic, but we do walk together every day, which is dictated by my energy level ( & the dogs)
He has better genes than I do, few health problems despite smoking & eating maple bars & a breakfast sandwich everyday. Just the occasional sore wrist or hip, which is amazing considering he is 59, doesnt do targeted exercise although he will play soccer hard with the dog and still goes downhill skiing as much as he can.
His Dr does not seem to stress the changes he could be making, perhaps because I see the same Dr and she thinks I am the problem child because I refuse to take statins.</p>
<p>We don’t have a big conflict with wellness goals,other than I nag him about smoking and he ignores me.
He has quit several times before, once for almost two years, but his genetics and his personality are tilted toward addiction.
He has also been through recovery, its been at least 15-17 yrs since he has had alcohol. ( I still drink occasionally, it doesnt seem to bother him at all)
I quit smoking when they were $.65 a pack, because I thought then he would quit ( I also met him when I was 18) now with taxes, his brand is almost $10!
He is planning to retire in a couple years, but he can’t retire until he quits smoking.
We are going to Portland this weekend, and he told me he wants to get three months of nicotine patches then.
( no sales tax). Which actually was a surprise to me, but if hes ready to quit, I am thrilled.</p>
<p>Re: doing stuff alone.
I actually prefer it sometimes. I have taken two of my three flights in the last ten yeara by myself, to see live music, and I had a great time.( the third i took with H to Outsidelands in San Francisco) I actually had more fun on the trip where I didnt know anyone than the trip where I was also meeting a friend that I hadnt seen for years.
It was great seeing her, except then I had to accomodate her schedule & her * boyfriends* wants.
Since he had to leave right after the concert, we missed seeing John Cusack & Eddie Vedder at batting practice and signing autographs with Chris Chelios after the concert at Comerica Park.
Part of traveling is meeting people & you meet more people when you are by yourself, than as a couple.
Im seriously contemplating another trip this fall, but now that we have a dog, H would have to adjust his schedule.
But life is short & how long will PJ tour?
Although I do get much more worn out than I did a few years ago, and it helps to have someone along.
I dont know how some of my friends do it, they are at least my age and are still following Pearl Jam through Europe. <:-P </p>
<p>This one strikes close to home. I just got up and biked with DH to work and then biked home. Fourth day in a row that I’ve biked 15 miles, PLUS done all <em>my</em> regular workouts (dog training, running). We’re getting ready for a multi-day cycling tour down the Oregon Coast later this summer (restaurants and hotels). DH has been an avid cyclist for YEARS (since 2001, when he took it up to help him deal with chemo) and has NO interest in my hobby of dog agility. He’s been going off on two week cycling tours–so this year I suggested we try this together. I didn’t really think through what a time sink training for the tour would be and that I would need to add it on to my regular routine. And already he’s talking about the tour we can do next summer!</p>
<p>So… I’m trying to share his interests, and he tries to share mine–he helps with the dogs even if he finds agility events “less interesting than watching paint dry”–but we also try to find interests to share. Cooking classes have been fun. Planning and shopping for special meals (after cooking classes) is fine as well, and we invite friends to share.</p>
<p>We have found it necessary to LOOK FOR common activities, though.</p>
</p>