<p>I could use some additional motivation to exercise, wonder if H would go along.</p>
<p>Great thread – and clearly a topic that hits home for many! </p>
<p>H had put on 40+ lbs over the years since we were married, especially in the past 10 - 12 years. I’ve been exercising pretty regularly (a few hiatuses) since before I met H; he’s never exercised. It took me a while after having kids to take that weight off, but once I did it’s pretty much stayed off. H knew he had excess weight, and I tried not to nag him. Finally, 2 years ago, his doc said the “magic” words to him, telling him his blood sugar was at the high end of normal. These were just what H needed to hear, since his father was a 60+ year diabetic. H started really watching what he ate, and cut down on his drinking. He lost about 45 pounds, and has kept it off. Still no exercise, though, and he has now returned to his previous level of drinking. Although I have NEVER seen H drunk, IMO he does drink a little too much. </p>
<p>Although H has no interest in exercising, he doesn’t mind at all if I go to the gym. Although we do share a lot of interests, there are exceptions, especially in the summer. I really enjoy golf, and he’d prefer to be sailing. It’s not that I don’t like sailing, and I do go with him a lot, but I also like to play golf. He seems to believe I should really just do what he wants/what works best for him. This spring I’ve been gritting my teeth some over our new puppy. After we had to put down our previous dog last summer due to a brain tumor, H really wanted another one. I was somewhat ambivalent but finally agreed, mistakenly believing it was OUR dog. The reality is I’ve done ALL the training, taken her to the vet, the groomer, Puppy Kindergarten, etc.</p>
<p>All in all, I generally approach these sorts of things with H the same as I did with our 2 kids as they were growing up – I pick my battles. There are those things I just “grin and bear,” and there are others where I let him know exactly how I feel.</p>
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<p>Easier said than done. I have made appts for him and he cancels them. Here’s the thing. When you get married there is no agreement that you are going to do everything together and always have the same interests. In most situations, that’s fine and, IMO, it even benefits a marriage to have time away from each other pursuing interests that the other doesn’t share. But health is a different story. When you get married you take on the responsibility of another person who is emotionally and, perhaps, at least somewhat financially dependent on you. Your children and your spouse have an investment in your health and well-being and to not take care of that, at least minimally is, in my opinion, irresponsible and a breach of trust. </p>
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<p>Be careful doing this – it is a dangerous tactic. My husband pulled this stunt once too often, and I realized that the end of our marriage was near. When a serious crisis came up in our marriage shortly after (him cheating), I tossed him out. He had no “deposits” left in the bank with me to give him a break and keep working toward a future with him. But I clearly remember the day when he acted childishly about a perfectly reasonable request and I realized that it probably was just a matter of time before our marriage ended. No complaints at all 5 years later, I am much better off without him. Keep up that crap, and your spouse may decide the same.</p>
<p>My husband has done that. He would almost flaunt the behavior knowing that it bothered me. He would joke about it knowing that I took it very seriously. When I took away my involvement in it, he stopped that crap. So, no, I don’t praise him up and down if he eats his carrots and I don’t fawn over him if he goes to the gym. We get along much better since I have removed my participation in his health. I take care of myself. That’s the best i can do for the family in terms of being sure that at least one of us parents is around long enough to see grandchildren.</p>
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<p>I agree that it does seem to be a man thing. Probably a remnant behavior from when our knuckles dragged the ground when we walked. It is also known as cutting off your nose to spite your face. Hunt, have you ever stopped to think, rather than simply reacting, that maybe your wife is trying to get you to understand something that is important to her? Does that matter to you? If not, it should. I mean, if you care about your relationship. That kind of reactionary and, sorry to say, childish behavior wears a person down and inhibits intimacy. Just sayin’.</p>
<p>It really depends if the action actually harms their health or if it just annoying.
Smoking obviously is in the first category.
Even though H has better genetics, he does have indicators that could point to a shorter life span than me.
Which scares me to death, not just because I like his company, but because my eyesight is not great and getting worse.
I already can’t drive at night, and I can’t drive much distance in the day either.
Maybe we should move to a small community where I can ride horses!</p>
<p>I was one of the posters on the other thread who had thoughts on this topic, too. </p>
<p>I wish DH would join in some activities with me. When he works from 7 am - 9 pm six days a week, it’s kind of tough. On Saturdays he crashes and sleeps most of the day. His hobbies are cooking, reading books and the ML benefits program. His hope is to keel over and die at some point without becoming infirm or mentally incapacitated.</p>
<p>I don’t nag him about his weight, though he and I both gained 100 lbs since we were married. He didn’t go to a doctor for 11 years. I didn’t schedule an appointment with him because he’s an adult who should be responsible for himself (not to mention it’s hard to schedule anything, given his schedule). To his credit, he never said a word about my weight gain. He has said very, very little about my weight loss.</p>
<p>I had expressed the hope that since I’m no longer working that I might be able to occasionally accompany him on business trips overseas. That has been shot down every time (though I am perfectly capable of exploring a city on my own!). Tired of being shot down, I have started taking quilting classes, getting more involved at the synagogue, gardening, etc. without worrying so much about his reaction. My “expire by” date is likely to be a lot sooner than I’d like, and I do not want to spend this time waiting to live my life. </p>
<p>In the last 15 years, I too have gained weight for all the normal excuses, but since DS went to college, I got back to tennis and running and lost that 5 pounds I gained. My wife enjoys the tennis but not as often as I like playing, and never had any interest in running. When we were first dating we ran a lot together, but it just isn’t her interest anymore, so that is okay.</p>
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<p>Sure.<br>
Just like it should matter to the wife that he has a different viewpoint about what is important to him.</p>
<p>Hunt: I’m sure my H does that (increases bad behavior to annoy me) too. Honest of you to admit it. I suppose a lot of men (and a few women, too 
) do that. When H does, I think it is really immature. If I open my mouth, I’m “nagging.” I see it as caring about his health–and I’m really quiet about it most of the time. (I also see it as he doesn’t care about ME/kids if he doesn’t take care of himself.) Regarding seeing a doc, H IS a doc, who regularly tells his patients to exercise/lose weight–and can’t understand when they get so upset–I mean obese patients who cry and say, “Doctor, NEVER mention this to me again!” I understand-- because H is overweight and acts the same way. And do you think H will see a doctor? Basically, yes it is a character flaw. I’ve been married to this “character” long enough to know that he will only do as he pleases, and he’s not going to change. Hard to live with at times–but aren’t we all?</p>
<p>“typical woman behavior of snarky and/or expectation of mindreading”…seriously? Oh, wait… was that snaky?</p>
<p>FWIW , I smoked “at” my husband when we first met, I think because I knew it annoyed him. 
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<p>He didnt have pigtails you could pull?</p>
<p>H sometimes cares about his weight/appearance, sometimes not. He currently has this beard that is unkept and ages him 10+ years. He has his own hobbies and I’m finally able to not feel guilty that I have none of his same interests. I don’t think this is a good sign of things to come. </p>
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<p>H and I went thru a battle like this when the kids were young (not the sweaty clothes). H grew up in a family where they were indulged and very spoiled (no chores, got what they wanted, never told no). So, he grew up with the philosophy that once school (and as an adult, work) was done, it was free time to do whatever he wanted…golf, gym, jog, racquetball, baseball, basketball, etc. It became a problem when the kids came along. H doesnt like to think that he is a hypocrite, but he kind of is. If for a short time, I would be busy with something (school or church fundraiser), he would complain that he was being ignored…even if my efforts took a fraction of the time his would…and mine would be taking place over a limited time period. i guarantee you that if I left for the gym (leaving him with the little ones) after he came home, he would have squawked.</p>
<p>Hip replacement surgery curbed a lot of his over-exercising. lol</p>
<p>I honestly believe that those who over-exercise are addicted to the high they get from the activity. </p>
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<h2>Because of his height/size, he thinks that he should take more meds than whatever the recommended dosage.</h2>
<p>You might call and talk to his doctor about this. The doctor can’t really share info with you due to HIPPA, but you can certainly tip them off and suggest that they make sure he understands his medications ARE already adjusted for his height and weight next time he is in the office.
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<p>Oh I have told him this many, many times. </p>
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I think you should expect total support but not total participation.</p>
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<p>@sax
I dont think the OP expects that. The feeling that I am getting is that the spouse doesn’t like what the OP is doing. See her words below.</p>
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<p>However, the below statement is a different issue. If the activity becomes excessive while the other spouse is left holding the bag with all the household demands, that can be a problem. In the old days, when more wives were housewives, some felt that they never got to retire. Their H’s would retire and spend their time as they pleased…golfing, doing some hobby in the basement, etc…while the wife still had a house to run and clean.</p>
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<p>this stuff leaves me scratching my head. If my H is watching TV, why should he care what I am looking at? odd.</p>
<p>@Hunt </p>
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I really, really hate to be nagged–and I hate it even more when my wife is right about whatever she is saying. I know this is a character flaw, but it’s the truth–I may even react by deliberately continuing or increasing whatever it is she is nagging me about. (From her point of view, of course, she isn’t nagging me at all–just pointing out the facts.) But when my doctor tells me the exact same thing, I take it differently.
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<p>You have got a bit of a marble game going on. lol You dont want to give up any marbles to your wife. You listen to your doc cuz you dont have a marble game going on there.</p>
<p>However, as for continuing something that you have been asked not to do…you are just creating your own nag. Think of it this way…YOU have the power to stop the nagging. You are in control… Use it. :)</p>
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<p>yes…who wants to get naked with someone who purposely ticks you off? Think about it.</p>
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<p>@fluffy2017
i don’t think that is the issue. If a guy is leaving sweaty dirty clothes on the floor for his wife to pick up after him, she has no need to consider if it is “important to him,” to treat her like a slave. Capish? </p>
<p>With a long term view, someone who does not take care of their health can be setting their spouse up for years of caregiving in the future. Heart disease, stroke, cancer all have lifestyle components. Maybe no one knew for sure 50 years ago if this was true, but we sure know now. This “nagging” (as i think men on the thread are calling it) goes on partly because while people marry “in sickness and health”, it is stupid and selfish to MAKE yourself sick and expect your spouse to be there to take care of you.</p>
<p>And I think this act of willfully doing MORE of something if your spouse asks you politely to stop is a sign that you have no true intimacy with the other person. I am not talking about the physical kind (although @mom2collegekids has that right), I am talking about a relationship between two adults who treat each other with respect as much as possible and are working toward the same goal of happiness and a long life together. If you don’t have this, you are just sniping roommates with benefits (maybe).</p>
<p>FYI, as the OP, the examples given early on in my text were just that - examples and not all examples of my household. The exercise and healthy eating ones yes, they are true to a degree!</p>
<p>But many of you have brought home many other points for me. The H who does what he wants regardless. The H who seems to not notice or praise any of my efforts. The H who refuses the doc or didn’t heed the docs advice for YEARS. The H who would not go to the doc just because I said he should or I made an appt!!! </p>