<p>I first want to say that my H is wonderfully supportive of any activity I want to do. He is so thrilled that I am working out more and being more healthy in general. </p>
<p>This conflict is so much easier now that the kids are out of the house. It was much harder and much more conflict when we had kids at home. Now our time is more of our own and we spend plenty of time together so time apart isn’t that important. </p>
<p>H works out when he can, is overweight but working on that is complicated. He wants to lose weight and talks about it all the time but his commitment ebbs and wanes. Last night he tells me he needs to work on his weight and I agreed but that was all. I think most people have a complicated relationship with food. I know I do. H will talk a good game but then go to the vending machine when he’s stressed at work. Annoys me because he will try and play the blame game that I am not making an effort/making low cal meals/no snacks at home and then he’s the one sabotaging his diet. </p>
<p>H bikes now, I do bike some but it’s hard to do together. He is so much more powerful than I am that a good workout for me is an easy workout for him. Also he can not do a nice social workout. It has to be full out exercise. We went for a bike ride the other night. At one point he had to comment on my cadence. Get your cadence up! Why can’t we take a nice bike ride and go for ice cream! Never, just not in his DNA. </p>
<p>I think women as a general rule work around everyone else while men figure everyone will work around them. Sorry men!</p>
<p>There is so much more going on here than than your spouse not eating as healthy as you want, not exercising and not losing weight.</p>
<p>You cannot determine that it is time for someone else to better themselves. That person needs to be self motivated. </p>
<p>As soon as you tell someone else what they must be doing you are getting directly into control issues in your relationship. Now you have a much bigger problem than wishing your spouse was in tandem with you on your physical fitness goals. You have started a battle.</p>
<p>If your spouse does not seem supportive or is angry at your new found regimen it may be because they are intimidated by the change you have made and worried how it will affect your relationship. People don’t like change that they did not initiate. People resent others who suddenly change their behavior and now think they are “right” and you are “wrong.”</p>
<p>If it was easy to lose weight, go exercise, stop smoking, stop drinking, stop gambling etc. people would just do it. But it is not. There are many psychological processes wrapped up in peoples behavior. Most people can’t see what is holding them back.</p>
<p>Now not only have you changed the dynamics of your relationship but you have thrown in being resentful for caring for them if you determine they got sick because of their behavior. </p>
<p>Getting in shape and eating healthy are awesome. Do it for yourself and hope that those around you get on board when they see how much happier you are. </p>
<p>Everybody wants to be physically fit. Everybody. If it was as easy as exercising and eating better everyone would be in prime shape. </p>
<p>Obviously it is not.</p>
<p>Again “you” is a general term not any particular poster.</p>
<p>^^^ apply those thoughts to other situations/life changes - do those thoughts still apply?</p>
<ul>
<li>becoming more educated/returning to school</li>
<li>climbing the career track</li>
<li>leaning a new hobby like quilting, golfing, ebay selling.</li>
<li>changing career track</li>
</ul>
<p>All could be done to better self and would be great to have support for. Don’t have to be done tandem, but support would be great! All can change the dynamics of a relationship because all have the ability to change the way one feels about themselves, how their time is spent, etc</p>
<p>Diet/exercise/wellness gets a bad rap sometimes - while we have to accept to a degree when others are not interested in diving in, we should not have to apologize, hide or put our successes and efforts aside - and they deserve support as well!</p>
<p>^^^
you need to ask yourself, how would you react if anyone else asked you the same thing using the same voice/tone.</p>
<p>I was able to show my H that he would hear any request in a tone that didn’t exist…just because in his family correcting somebody was something that was only done by his LOUD, extremely self-centered dad (who was gone a lot, but a jerk when around). His mom was unbelievably permissive, and that became the expectation of what nice people are like - nice people let you do whatever you want, whenever you want.</p>
<p>I have found that I get better results when I make a request later, not when H has just done something annoying (like drinking right out of the orange juice bottle or driving too fast…he has had two pricey speeding tix in the last 2 years, while I haven’t gotten any tickets in over 30 years.)</p>
<p>I think there are many women (men too) who are very threatened when their spouse loses weight/becomes more healthy/exercises more. </p>
<p>I know I’ve heard these stories before, I’m sure everyone has. My H lost weight, exercised more had an affair and left me. He traded me in for a younger fitter model. It’s probably more complicated than that but how many times have you heard that. </p>
<p>My H also leaves his sweaty gear all over the house. I bought boxes for all of his activities. I am faithful about my stuff being in my box so I can pick it up and take it with me. He is not, but I’ve changed responsibility to him. Makes me feel like less of a nag. His stuff is still all over the house but I leave it there and my response is, is it in your box? ;)</p>
<p><<<
I think women as a general rule work around everyone else while men figure everyone will work around them.
<<<</p>
<p>I think this is a remnant of the traditional household (that isn’t typical anymore). When dad was the bread-winner, many things evolved around him…dinner-time was when he got home, evenings were supposed to be quiet so he could relax, a favorite chair that was HIS (think Archie Bunker…lol), etc. </p>
<p>I know that my mom was guilty of giving the males in the family special treatment. She would set aside a plate of food for my brothers for when they got home…she didnt do that for the girls. We had to fend for ourselves. I know that many of my friends have told similar stories of their moms giving sons (and their schedules) a preferred treatment. (odd story…after my mom had her first stroke, it destroyed the part of her brain that made her think she had to give males preferred treatment…I think my brothers were in shock after the special treatment immediately disappeared…and she was shocked that they expected it. My sisters and I had a lot of giggles over watching our brothers topple down the totem pole.)</p>
<p>I absolutely believe spouses should support one another in all the activities that are important to them. They should definitely not try and sabotage those achievements. That signals some much bigger problems.</p>
<p>I also believe that if my spouse is in any way sending signals that I am no longer good enough because I am not also doing those activities that we have a problem.</p>
<p>Everyone wants to be physically fit. Everyone. Just don’t hold it over my head if I am not ready to jump on your bandwagon. Don’t tell me every day how much you ran, how little you ate, how much you lost when I know you expect me to be doing these things too and I am not. I believe you are constantly telling me these things to make me feel bad. I believe you will not be happy with me until I am doing them too. It makes me feel as though you think you are “better” than me. And… you do. That’s what screws up the relationship.</p>
<p>You should be happy and I can be happy for you if you think you are healthier than your old self. Not when you think you are healthier (better) than me. </p>
<p>Wellness and fitness don’t get a bad rap. The attitude that everyone should be doing what I am now doing is what gets a bad rap.</p>
<p>I realize that you were responding to the response to @hunts post. Hunt didnt provide any examples. If his wife is being petty and nagging about stuff just to get her own way, that is a different story. If the nagging is because a spouse is doing something that would annoy many/most spouses (talking with mouth full, not bathing regularly, saying racist things, leaving messes around, etc) then the spouse cant be expected to just respect his choices. (I am not suggesting that our dear Hunt is doing those nasty things.)</p>
<p>It’s just like with evangelism of any kind: one person’s “sharing the good news” is another person’s “shoving it down my throat.” And they can both be right about their perception, which is what makes it difficult.</p>
<p>This is a tough issue, particularly when one partner is beyond overweight and into the unhealthy AND unable to function in daily life phase. That’s what happened in my marriage and it’s been incredibly tough. Even without my saying anything, he had become aware that he couldn’t tie his shoes, get up easily from sitting, take things out of the bottom oven, sleep properly, etc., and got angry about it. When one partner reaches that point, it becomes a significant problem for both partners, and it’s not just the obese spouse’s problem anymore. I have a good friend who is in her late 40s and is now suffering the life-threatening and life-altering consequences of decades of being 200 pounds overweight. With surgery, she is now just heavy, not nearly obese, but the damage has been done and her husband has always had to live with it and still does.</p>
<p>Sax, I hear you and try not to be that person. I got so I would only talk about running to my running friends. Nobdy else wanted to hear about it. </p>
<p>*I know that my mom was guilty of giving the males in the family special treatment. *
So glad that as far as I can tell, parents of boys have changed their ways.</p>
<p>When I met H, he wanted to take me to a steak restaurant, I opted for Chinese food.
He had never HAD Chinese food!
Suffice it to say, I have influenced his eating a lot. Meat is a condiment most days, except when steak or salmon is on sale.
( and as the son of a milkman, he has influenced mine, we didn’t have butter, whole milk or ice cream growing up, it was margarine, 2% mixed with powdered milk, and ice milk)</p>
<p>I think you lead by example best, although I admit I see spouses undermine each other towards their goals.
I could stand to lose at least ten or even twenty lbs, which I am slowly doing, now that I am on the right meds, but H will buy " treats" intended for me.
He can eat whatever he wants ( although not necessarily healthy), but I have two or three set points, and if I want to get to a lower stable weight, i have to work really hard to do so.</p>
<p>But weight is besides the point, I am more aware of health concerns like heart disease, whether or not cholesterol has much to do with it. A friend just had a bypass this week, and she is younger than I am. Scary.
Im thrilled H is planning on quitting smoking. However, I know that my role is as an interested bystander, unless he asks me to be something more.
He gave me his pack of cigarettes to hold, and is going to get patches.
Don’t know if the weekend you are meeting your daughters inlaws is the best weekend to stop smoking tobacco.
( however recreational shops should be opening next month )</p>
<p>My spouse golfs. I do not. He can come home and talk about each and every shot. The guy I work with golfs. He comes to work and tells me about his game. I hear about golf constantly.</p>
<p>I can listen to them and be happy for them because it doesn’t impact me at all. </p>
<p>So I could listen to you, Lizardly, about your running and be happy for you.</p>
<p>Now if my spouse golfed daily and/or was spending all our resources on golf I would have a problem. It would impact me. It would impact our lives by being too much time. It would not leave any money for activities I wanted to do. I would expect him to cut back.</p>
<p>Its just fair. It is a compromise.</p>
<p>If I was struggling with eating healthy I would be angry if he brought out chips and dip. He would know that was a sabotage . I would make sure he knew it was a sabotage. But if he ate them on his own away from me , well, that’s okay…even if he could stand to lose weight.</p>
<p>^^^ I agree with this. But the problem lies for some (including my house many times) where he wants to talk about every shot of golf but tunes out, asks no questions, shows no interest in knowing how my 5k went. </p>
<p>Well, I would want to know what you consider “over-exercising.” I know runners who run 100 miles per week. They get up before sunrise to get runs in. They run 6 or 7 days a week. Other people run even more miles! </p>
<p>And that’s worse than sitting on your read end, watching TV or posting on CC hours every day? I think Americans have a lot more “spare time” than they realize. Why not use that time to get healthy??</p>
<p>My schedule, starting this month, is to run Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings, and to go to CrossFit classes Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday mornings. I feel fantastic. And as I said before, I am SO not an athlete. In 8th grade, for example, I was THE SLOWEST kid out of a class of 200. I cried when they made me do gymnastics. I finally figured out how to do a somersault, but I never could do a cartwheel!</p>
<p>^^^Maine Longhorn, I was the only “SOOO not an athlete” among my girlfriends. They were so tolerant of me, though, and always made sure to choose me FIRST on those horrible “choose your team” days in PE.</p>
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