<p>My sister, who is in her mid-50s was widowed last week. Her husband had been ill for only a few weeks and it was very unexpected. Now that the first shock is over, I’m wondering (obsessing, actually) over how to handle the holidays. Should we invite her to be with our family? Not invite because it’s so soon and it might be insensitive? I’m worried that everyone will think someone invited her and no one will. She has two post-college young adult kids, one of whom is newly married. If anyone has any suggestions, they’d be welcome.</p>
<p>I’d ask her whether she has plans and that you’d love for her to come to your house if she feels up to it. That way, she knows you’re thinking of her and that she has a place to go if no one else has mentioned it. Also, I’d feel compelled to ask her kids, too. I would imagine the newly married kid might want to host his/her first T’giving.</p>
<p>Agree, don’t be afraid you will be insensitive. Don’t assume anything. People are way too afraid that talking to those mourning will be painful. It is painful to be ignored. It would be much worse if she thought everyone had dismissed her now that she is alone. Too many invitations can be dealt with, but none would be awful.</p>
<p>Zoosermom, I’m so sorry for your sister’s loss.</p>
<p>Agreeing with the others, ask your sister what she’d like to do. The “first” of everything - holiday, birthday, other special days - is the hardest. </p>
<p>I would check in with her throughout the holiday period, to let her know you’re thinking about her. And if she’s close enough I would include her in on your family’s activities but be ready for her to decline if she’s not ready.</p>
<p>Yes, yes!</p>
<p>A couple of years ago my FIL passed away and my brother (no relation to MIL) called her and said he just wanted her to know that she would be welcome to share turkey with his family (DH and I go there each year). She was so touched by his offer. That morning she almost backed out, but she went and now she looks forward to this new tradition. </p>
<p>My closest friend lost her H recently and I can tell you that she would much rather say no or think that she doesn’t want to face people than to feel alone. It is not too soon to say you were thinking of the holiday and you wanted her to know she wouldn’t be alone.</p>
<p>One more thought. We all know holidays will be hard, but I have found that each new season - not a particular day - can be so tough too!</p>
<p>Thank you all for the good advice. This is new territory for all of us. My sister is the oldest and we all had the idea that we were much too young for these things to happen. Obviously not.</p>
<p>Zoosermom, so sorry for the loss. I spent yesterday afternoon with my friend who is about a week ahead of your sister in the process (her husband died on Oct 26th) and we talked about the holidays. She has already had numerous conversations with friends and relatives and has numerous options. She hasn’t decided what she’s going to do but no, it’s not too early to talk to her about it. Just don’t press her for a decision. At least at our house, I make so much food for Thanksgiving that I could easily add another family on no notice - you’re probably the same way.</p>
<p>ZM, sorry for your loss. Asking is the best policy here. You may want to include her and her kids, if it works geographically as they may “need”/want the time together and not want to be involved in actually doing any holiday prep/cooking. It would give them all a break.</p>
<p>Some want/need to be busy, and keep the routine, others may just need the time to crash mentally. You’ll never know unless you ask.</p>
<p>From personal experience, my mom died very unexpectedly 10 years back a week before Thanksgiving, my wife’s dad in early December. In both cases, we kept our respective holiday routines, which historically were immediate family; we had invites, but chose not to accept them, but were grateful for the offers.</p>
<p>My sympathies to your family. I agree with the previous posts, extend the invitation but don’t press for an immediate answer. A few days later you can reiterate that the invitation is sincere and will remain open. I’m sure they are still reeling, but it’s always nice to hear that people are thinking of you and want to include you in their holidays.</p>
<p>I am sorry for your loss, and for the difficult days ahead. I, too, agree with the previous posts, extend the invitation (including her childern), let her know that they are all welcome, but there is “no pressure”. Call frequently, just to check in…it’s always better to have too many invitations then no where to go.</p>
<p>How far from each other are you (I mean physical distance).
If you are fairly close and she has a fairly large house - how about spending Christmas as a family at her place? You all can cook, chip in for expenses, and she will have a house full of people again.
I love spending Christmas at my house and have always done that. For me , going away at Christmas in a situation like that would be a double torture.</p>
<p>Agree with all. Offer and leave it open ended…that way if she has no offers and wants to be somewhere she will be. If she has multiple offers she can choose.
If she doesn’t come to your place call her sometime that day…</p>
<p>She’s your sister so just discuss it frankly and informally with her. Let her know you realize it might be tough to spend the holidays alone and she’s welcome at your house but you understand if she’s planning to be at the house of one of her kids or if she has other plans.</p>
<p>We went through this last year and extended an invite for Christmas (which was accepted). A few days before, my SIL called and asked if she and her grown daughters could instead come over between Christmas and New Years. She just wasn’t ready and felt it was better to just have her and her girls be alone for Christmas and to visit the cemetery.</p>
<p>You should definitely have the conversation/extend the invitation. My very good friend lost her husband a couple of years ago, about a month before TG. She shared later that she was glad she’d gone to her family’s TG celebration as she’d been so focused on her own loss, she’d forgotten how very much she had to be grateful for…Everybody has her own timeline for such realizations, but your friend may also enjoy thinking about happier times! My mother used to say, “It’s good to get your mind off of what ails you, even for a short time.”</p>
<p>zoosermom, I was in this situation last year when my husband died unexpectedly in October. Here are a few thoughts about things that helped me and my kids.</p>
<p>We really <a href=“really!”>i</a>* appreciated being around other people. It was just so overwhelming to be alone in our house. We appreciated all of the family and friends who came over to spend time with us. Day or night, long visit or short visit, all were welcome. When it got to be too much or when one of us was left alone at home, we were happy to be welcome to randomly drop into various family homes. </p>
<p>When Thanksgiving came, we changed our routine and our extended family celebrated the holiday at a different house. That was a good idea for us. To be perfectly honest with you, I don’t even remember the day, but I think it was better to change it up a bit and to be among family and friends. At least it wasn’t horrible.</p>
<p>We could not neglect Christmas, even though none of us felt like having one. Each of my kids invited their best friend over and we all made food and decorated the tree together. That helped. Then on Christmas morning, we invited the grandparents to come over and have some breakfast and open gifts with us. That helped too. Finally, when we went to a family member’s house for dinner, we were sort of uplifted by the excitement and joy of the younger children.</p>
<p>Strangely, the impending holidays are bringing back a lot of the stress and sadness for us. I guess there is no perfect way to proceed. Just being there for her will help.</p>
<p>PS - To your original question: yes, invite them all. They will appreciate it.</p>
<p>Z-mom. Two years ago my sister’s H left her after 30 yrs of marriage and 6 days after their oldest D’s wedding. It was October. It was completely unexpected and devastating beyond anything she had ever experienced. I uninvited her and my nieces and nephew to Thanksgiving. It’s a 4 hour drive.</p>
<p>She was so grateful and accepted. The day was as to be expected. There were tears, laughter and love. She was so grateful for the relief of duties and change of venue. It was a healing, a small step, experience for all</p>
<p>All in all it was the best thing I could have done because she was open to it and needed it. Ask your sister, but do not be insulted if she says no.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone else: extend the invitation, but with no pressure. Reiterate it closer to the date. Keep it as open ended as you can.</p>
<p>There may come a point where <em>insisting</em> on a visit of some kind is constructive to beak a pattern of isolation.</p>
<p>My condolences to your family.</p>
<p>First of all, my sincere condolences. My daughter’s boyfriend’s mom died unexpectedly and far too young a few months ago. Last year the boyfriend came here for dessert on Thanksgiving. I invited the boyfriend and his whole family here for dinner. Boyfriend is unsure. Told him just give me a heads up. The invitation and the inclusion is the importent thing.</p>
<p>The holidays are going to be tough in our family. My husband’s sister died very unexpectedly in September, leaving a devastated husband, two grown children, and two young adopted children. Just two weeks ago, my sister’s husband died following an extended illness.</p>
<p>We are trying to work out the logistics of handling both sides of the family and meet everyone’s needs while keeping the holiday somewhat cheerful.</p>
<p>My sister made a remark earlier this week that it’s very difficult for her when people feel uncomfortable talking about her late husband. She spent 20 years with him, and the last six months she did little other than take care of him, so she needs to be able to talk about him. Therefore, we will NOT be avoiding talking about the good memories we have of our loved ones during the holidays.</p>