We are a small family in town. We only celebrate with DH’s family. For years he was married to his 2nd wife and her kids were living with them. He has 2 young adults now, like our own. We loved it then, we exchanged hosting holidays and had lots of fun…the kids were younger than to. The cousins, step cousins all got along.
Now, they are divorced and that’s over, been over for 5 years now. He has a new GF, who is incredibly dull. She has 2 young adult sons. So her kids, his kids, our kids are all the same age and none of them have anything in common. The last 2 years they have hosted Xmas lunch, as I do Thanksgiving. Literally, I am bored out of my skull and those 6 kids just sit on the sofa and watch TV and really don’t engage much. It’s so , I don’t know…not how I want Xmas day to be. Mine are already complaining and I told DH I just want to stay home and am happy to host.
He said he can’t tell his brother no if he mentions it. I said why not? Just tell himself welcome. DH is not proactive , doesn’t like to make waves,
So, I thought I could just say something before BIL does, so it doesn’t seem I’m turning down an invitation. I’m the first to make one. But, DH will probably get mad if I do that. Ugh.
I did tell DH if we continue doing this, the kids will start dressing Xmas and make other plans if the opportunity arises…go to GF house instead, etc.
Another option if it come to going there for dinner, is to tell the kids to drive separately and they can leave after dinner. I think DH just needs to speak up. I feel like we are back to when the kids were little and I stood my ground about finally staying in town on Xmas eve.
One of the GF sons doesn’t even show up anymore to any of the holidays…can’t say I blame him.
Would bringing a board game like Wits and Wagers help break the ice?
At that age I had step cousins that I had nothing in common with. Conversation was difficult on both sides. Now, with repeated exposure and the common experiences of parenthood, we can pass an afternoon chatting and I feel fondly of them. In the big picture it was a good experience and taught me a lot about the commonality of experiences and bridging socio-economic differences.
edited to add: In a mixed age setting we have used those boxes of 3x5 cards that have questions on them such as what was you favorite art project at school when you were young. The little kids give a simple answer but the older ones know how to spin a story and we learned a lot about our parents generation childhoods.
Not sure how to solve the problem without someone getting upset but I’m a believer that we need to follow our own path of happiness, whatever that path might be. I would absolutely put my own immediate family first, time is short. I think its probably easier to somehow make a plan that makes the lunch impossible but allows for a shorter visit/celebration at a different time. When things became difficult for myself and two children over the Thanksgiving weekend many years ago when they were smaller, I started taking our yearly trip to Disney, flying out on Turkey Day. Was everyone happy about it? No, but my kids and I were and we made great memories.
Thanksgiving seems late to be discussing Christmas plans. Even when nothing’s been said, people have ideas in mind. We knew who’d be where a month ago. You may be stuck, this year. But the good news is it gives you lots of time to plan next year’s changes.
My in-laws decided to go to Florida for Christmas this year. They said “Hey, we’re going to Florida for Christmas this year instead of (big) family Christmas.”
I think this is precisely what you need to do for the sake of your own immediate family. If your DH gets mad, he will get over it when he realizes how much this means to you. There have been plenty of times I have done things that I know will make my DH mad, at first, But I find I no longer have the patience to deal with what I call nonsense.
Once you reach the age where you get to be in charge, you get to be in charge.
Your description confused me quite a bit, as I was wondering why your DH has a new GF :))
Anyway, I think you can go two ways with this. First option is to simply state in front of your BIL something like, “We’re planning a quiet Christmas at home this year with just the kids. What are you guys doing?” That provides the pre-emptive excuse so it’s out there.
The other option is to simply tell the same thing to your DH. “I’m staying home with the kids this year. You can go to your brother’s if you want.” That way your DH can make you the bad guy, seeing as he has assertiveness issues, “W and the kids want to stay home this year so we won’t be joining you this time.”
Honestly, from the outside it looks like you’re worried about being assertive because your DH will be mad at you. But you’re frustrated with your DH for not being assertive himself because his brother will be mad at him. I think it’s time to just put your foot down. For me personally, the equation is always: “Whose happiness is more important, mine and my family’s, or someone else’s?” It’s usually a pretty simple equation to solve.
My SIL avoids this stress by having just her family (kids/significant others) for the meal and invites other relatives over for a holiday dessert a few hours later.
I’d go for dessert option too. We’ve done that in the past and it works nicely.
I think it’s important to relax and enjoy your family while you have them. Life keeps changing.
It’s important to keep family ties but not everything has to happen on a major holiday. Pick another day for a dinner which would be more relaxing and less emotion filled.
The suggestion for a board game is good too. A party game like Codenames works well–easy to learn, short, you can vary teams easily, good for all ages. Lots of laughs.
Thanks everyone. It’s his only brother, and only family we spend the holidays with. I actually like his brother a lot, and am happy to have him here. It’s just sort of awkward at his house now. The GF is boring, she doesn’t help much with the conversation. All the young adult kids won’t really interact much. It’s just no fun. My fear is that I’ll say something, BIL will be offended and say he’s just staying home,too…and then no family gets together. I think I might start planning my Xmas getaway next year. Or, I might hop online and see if there is anything cheap out there now. Doubt it though.
Maybe a last minute weekend cabin rental someplace, try vrbo I often have luck at the last minute d/t cancellations and many time they’ll give you a break too! Also keep in mind that flying on the actual holiday can be considerably cheaper if you don’t mind eating at the airport LOL
This reminds me of the wanting to get off the gift train thread. It’s possible those other youngsters, etc., also aren’t all that thrilled about getting together. Dessert seems a nice first step alternative (“I think we’re going to have people over around 7 for dessert, if anyone wants to join us.”) or “we’re going to try something new this year, dessert and games! Won’t that be fun!” .
I know some people who do a family Christmas on a different weekend of December as a way to maximize everyone getting together, and take the pressure off (traveling, etc). Would something like that work for you? One Saturday or Sunday in December to celebrate with your BIL, and spend actual Christmas Day hunkered down at home with the fun people?
"“we’re going to try something new this year, dessert and games! Won’t that be fun!” .
I like this idea, too. Maybe try to mix things up this year with the same old crowd. Games, a long walk in the woods or around the neighborhood or another outdoor activity if the weathers is good, a movie outing. Sounds like you want to keep the celebration with your husband’s brother but need to get out of a rut.
I often have luck at the last minute d/t cancellations and many time they’ll give you a break too! Also keep in mind that flying on the actual holiday can be considerably cheaper if you don’t mind eating at the airport LOL