How to invite part of a family to Son's open house

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Here’s a question for all you would-be Emily Posts. It is quite a tradition in my state to throw high school graduation open houses, inviting numerous friends and family members. Generally, as many parents attend as new graduates. One family in our small school presents a problem. The mom and dad are gentle, wonderful people who have recently hosted my husband and I for dinner. Their son, who is graduating with my son, is not a nice person; in fact, this year he has made life miserable for my son, joining with another school bully to shun and ridicule my son (I know this sounds like 8th grade mean-girl behavior – I have been quite surprised). </p>

<p>The question for you, dear CCers, is how we can invite the parents to our event without inviting their son. Or – what might be another alternative? Thanks!</p>

2

<p>You can’t invite the parents without the child, unfortunately. You can either not invite them at all, which they may not notice, or you can invite them all and when you greet the son, shake his hand and hold it for a slightly longer time than usual while looking him in the eye with a serious expression and a slight shake of your head. Indicating that you know and disapprove of what he did. Ultimately, you can’t undo the past, but you don’t have to condone it, either.</p>

3

<p>Why would you want to invite the parents? Clearly, a graduation party in honor of your son is a different sort of event from an adult dinner party. I’d think the presence of this particular set of parents would be uncomfortable for your son on some level. And how awkward for the other parents to attend a gathering in your home, at which your son’s friends will clearly be attuned to their son’s bully status and absence? Why bring that vibe on your party?</p>

<p>You could host an adult dinner party a week or two after the graduation, and invite the parents to that. That would send the message that you wish to maintain a pleasant relationship with them without highlighting the awkward situation with the boys.</p>

<p>There’s no way to invite the parents and not invite their senior to a graduation party at your home, unless all four involved parents are lifelong friends and very upfront with each other about the boys’ relationship and current situation.</p>

4

<p>zoosermom- The meaningful handshake would be good for other occasions during the graduation season at which the OP might see the other kid. But I don’t think it would be appropriate under the circumstances to invite the other kid to the OP’s son’s graduation party.</p>

5

<p>SuNa, if it’s an open house, is it likely that the son might not want to attend?</p>

6

<p>I’d go with SpeckledEgg’s advice in #3, sounds like a good compromise to me.</p>

<p>(Look, it even rhymes… :slight_smile: )</p>

7

<p>Thanks, CCers for good perspectives. If I invite the whole family, the evil kid (EK) will just use the invitation as a reason to make fun of my son. And you’re quite right, SpeckledEgg: my son would feel uncomfortable greeting EK’s parents, and so that decides it. </p>

<p>I actually feel a little sorry for EK’s parents. The older sister is as nice as can be.</p>

8

<p>I guess I see the idea of only inviting the parents as just a teensy bit passive-aggressive. What you would really like to do is tell off the kid in no uncertain terms, I’m sure, and make him understand the harm he’s caused. Since you can’t really do that, the second choice is asking the parents only to attend; they would naturally ask why their precious S is not invited, then you could really fill them in (because they asked, after all). Anyhow, don’t do it. Just let it go. High school is almost over and your S will never have to see their S again hopefully. Good riddance. Enjoy your Open House and the last few months with your S at home. :)</p>

9

<p>As bad as this sounds, the parents are reaping the fallout from their awful son, and, in a way, they deserve it</p>

<p>I would never invite a bully into my home, no matter how sweet the parents were, he would never cross my threshold</p>

<p>IF they ask about it, I would tell them “your son is not welcome in my home” seriouslly I would</p>

<p>Parents need to know how their child treats others cruelly, they may nor be able to do anything about it, but they need to know what kinds of friends the bully has etc</p>

<p>I wouldn’t even invite the parents to a dinner, without a talk about how miserable their son made my son, I couldn’t stomach it</p>

10

<p>I’m so sorry to hear about how your son has been treated! I abhor mean kids’ behavior!
This is your son’s event- HIS graduation! I would keep it simple. Do not invite the family, neither parents nor kid, period. Don’t worry one bit about feelings, except your sons.
Have a great time!</p>

11

<p>I must live in a different universe. How can you be so nice? Have Visegrip Dad shake the little monster’s hand until it is a mass of useless pulp,…Are you on automatic ‘nice’ pilot? Please explain your world to me. Invite your son’s tormentors into your house? Only to spring a trap, I say. Is this a relic of religious generosity perhaps? I really don’t get it. Yes, I am a dangerous, foul tempered, paranoid, sociopath and don’t expect you to attain my level of alienation but how can such questions even enter your moral code? Is everything so nice and tidy that just this little issue needs to be addressed? Have the nice parents of the boy no clue? I admire you more than I can say.
I would want to move into your neighborhood where life flows like a dream,.,.except there are these type of boys who get away with bullying and then get invited to tea. Why are you not furious? How is this an Emily Post issue? Run to the window and shout “I’m mad as hell,…”</p>

12

<p>It’s actually kind of a long story. EK was a new kid at our school, but my son knew him from the community. I also knew the parents; they differ politically (which I find significant, but ha ha, they now know they have been wrong . . .) but are uncommonly nice, considerate folks. EK and my son quickly bonded and my son eased away from some nice guy-friends in order to spend time with EK, and then both son and EK were embraced by the class bully. (Bad decision-making on my son’s part. . . )Early on I heard a mean remark EK had made about another boy, and this was a small warning sign, but I ignored it. My son also ignored it, witnessed numerous other mean comments, and heard rumors that EK had left his previous school due to a nasty incident (I did not know of these until recently). OK – so life continued to “flow like a dream,” and when we planned a winter trip, you guessed it, son invited EK. Before the trip, the whole relationship soured, with EK and the bully and others excluding my son. Of course the two nice guys my son had ditched were not too happy to take him back. Trip went okay and I think my son thought he had his friend back, but as soon as he got back to school, EK became twice as mean. The parents had been SO very happy about their son’s involvement with my son, effusively thanking us for the trip, etc. Mother has recently expressed dismay that her son isn’t hanging w/ my son these days. I simply replied, “well, he is getting to know others.” I have no urge to tell the parents what is happening. I think they already know on some level and are embarrassed by their son’s behavior. I think this is a very strong lesson to pay attention to little clues about people’s character and, though it has been painful, I think in the long run it will prove very useful to my son.</p>

13

<p>You may be doing EK and those he comes into contact with a disservice by refusing to be forthright with his parents. (And you may be doing the parents a disservice, too.) They still may have some control over him, and they cannot fix what they don’t see or what they don’t know. We all have blind spots when it comes to our kids. They may “know on some level” but because no one’s told them they may be dismissing their concerns.</p>

<p>If you really like these people, they deserve the truth.</p>

14

<br>

<br>

<p>usually more difficult to admit in politics than among friends. </p>

<p>Anyway, there is always more to the story, also in both politics and person, but thanks for deepening the tale beyond the Hallmark. I suspect you’re still too nice, though(but I might revise that evaluation if your ‘politics’ were revealed)</p>

<p>Glad I have daughters,…they are so much easier and less complicated than boys.</p>

15

<p>Rorosen said: “Glad I have daughters,…they are so much easier and less complicated than boys.”</p>

<p>I have daughters too. While I haven’t had these social problems in any significant capacity with my own daughters, I know that MANY teenage girls do have a lot of major social conflicts. This is definitely NOT a boy thing and if anything, I hear more stories of this nature about girls! Some can be very B----- (you know what I mean there).</p>

16

<p>I figured it was a joke no one could miss,…</p>

17

<br>

<br>

<p>I would have said just the opposite until recently, but after 21 years of parenting, I am still learning.</p>

18

<p>Story update: Now S has invited a very nice girl to the prom. She is best friends with EK’s girlfriend (who EK has been cheating on “secretly” for months) and, since the girls usually do the planning for these things, my son will be in same party w/EK. It is common for parents to gather and take pictures of the group going to prom and that will bring us face to face with EK, and probably his parents. My question: what can we do, probably without any words and certainly without any covert actions, to maximize EK’s discomfort during that time period? We did run into him last week at an athletic event and he looked embarrassed. Okay, CCers: do your best!</p>

19

<p>Now that your son has put you smack in the middle of this, his choice, and all, be the bigger people</p>

<p>My D had a really mean girl in Middleschool, EG whose parents,well, ick…</p>

<p>Anyway, because of graduation, we were thrown together alot in group settings, I just acted as charming as I could, showed as much class as I could muster, and bit my tonge. They were so not worth it.</p>

<p>The girl, well, my D never let that girl scare her again from doing anything, going anywhere, or talking to anyone…looks like your son has learned that leason…this girl would stare at my D all the time in class, make faces, laugh, just to annoy my D (EG did lots more) but anyway, my D told me about it, and I suggested, everytime you catch her looking at you, wink, wave, smile, start laughing, but look straight back, after about three days of the “happy girl” reaction, the staring stopped. </p>

<p>I think your son has reached the “happy girl” stage. Jst moving on and not letting a bully stop him from asking out a nice girl. Your son won.</p>

<p>Something you might consider is not doing anything. He knows you know, and to expend any energy on the EK is not worth it.</p>

20

<p>It’s not your job to “maximize discomfort.” I find your attitude appalling to say the least. When you are a guest in another’s home or you are hosting, do not make anyone comfortable. The whole purpose of good manners is just the opposite. EK sounds like trouble, but it is NOT your place to make him feel unwanted.</p>