<p>My son is still choosing among 6 schools. I have a clear favorite for him, but don’t think I should be shoving it down his throat. What have others done? I sort of feel unless he asks me, I shouldn’t voice an opinion because he’s maybe a better judge than I am of fit for himself. Advice? I’ll say, psychologically, even though he loves me and, I hope, respects me, I wonder if giving advice would move him in the opposite direction. All his options are good, so this is probably a silly thread, but I enjoy your silly threads, so here is mine.</p>
<p>I’ll bet he already knows your pick. Better to be quiet unless he asks.</p>
<p>Yeah, I’ll bet you’re right. Very astute, holymomma.</p>
<p>If he asks you, tell him. Even if he doesn’t ask you directly but is thinking out loud, I think you can add in what you think is good or poor about School A and School B that he hasn’t mentioned. The fact that you’re worried about pushing him in a specific direction means that you probably won’t.</p>
<p>Keep it zipped.</p>
<p>The instinct to do exactly the opposite of what one’s parents want one to do still exists in 18-year-olds.</p>
<p>My son consulted me every step of the way and turned to me for advice because he has a great deal of respect for my wisdom as an adult. He would have insisted (and DID) that I at least offer my suggestion. I have never micromanaged the lives of any of my children, so on the big things, they WANT my perspective and input. They know that NO ONE has their best interests more in their hearts and minds than their daddy and I do. That said, you know your child better than anyone else. If your son is in any way oppositional, as some teens can be as part of the age, I’d not speak up. If, however, you sense that he wants your opinion or a bit of guidance, then by all means, give him your opinion with the qualification that the ultimate decision rests with him and that you will support whatever choice he makes.</p>
<p>~berurah</p>
<p>Every 18 yr old is different. When my older s was 18 he very much valued our opinion, and still does. He asked for our opinion then, and now. Younger s “pretends” he doesn’t want our opinion, will argue with us, may seem to go in the other direction, but more often than not, values, respects and follows our opinion. The best one I heard was from the mother of a friend of his who told me how knowledgeable he was about the colleges and the college process! And after all the grief he gives me for being on CC… he really does listen. :D</p>
<p>Bethievt-
Discuss, talk, share… DONT Hush up.
You can certainly discuss the pros and cons of each school and share your opinions and what they are based on without it coming across like you are “shoving it down his throat”. I’ll bet he really does want and value your thoughts, He sounds like a level headed kid. Open communication is a good thing. Don’t “shut up” and make an 18 yr old make significant life decisions on his own. Would you discuss other decisions like what car to get, what classes to take, what to have for dinner?/ Why on earth would you then NOT discuss the important life decisions. Talk, talk, talk. You will not regret it.</p>
<p>Looks like berurah and I cross-posted-- but with the same message.</p>
<p>My theory of parental input into kids’ decision-making is that it’s our responsibility to point out bad choices. But when it comes to choosing among acceptable alternatives, the kid should do it.</p>
<p>As I said before, if I were in the OP’s place, I wouldn’t share my feelings about my favorite of the 6 schools. But if there is a reason why one or more of the 6 might be an inappropriate choice (“School 4 doesn’t offer one of the three majors you’re considering”), I would speak up about that.</p>
<p>I would not offer advice unless it is asked for. I know with my D, she will ask for my input if, and when, she is ready to listen. I’ve learned the hard way that offering her any unsolicited advice makes her do exactly what I don’t want her to do. And in this situation, I would have solid reasons ready to support my choice. Good luck!!</p>
<p>I put it this way… It’s a choice they have to live with for four years, not me. If I don’t force my opinion, I don’t hear how bad the place is. All I ask is that they look at it as a long term commitment. Four years to a teenager is a long term commitment.</p>
<p>I would offer facts about the school and compare them to the child’s stated desires.</p>
<p>“You said you wanted a city school. College X is rural.”</p>
<p>“You said you wanted small classes. At College Y, most intro courses have more than 200 students.”</p>
<p>LOL. Most of you work much different me. I’ve never kept my mouth shut about anything and college was no exception. I wouldn’t have forced the issue if it came down to it, but I had my say before any decisions were made. I still do!!</p>
<p>Are you paying part of the freight? If so, you’re a shareholder and have a right to speak up.</p>
<p>Mine knows which school I like the best, but I am not the one going. I think I know which one she will pick, and it is not the one I prefer. I can live with any decision she makes, they are all well suited for her. We did tell her that decision is to be made and announced to us by Sunday night. She has had almost a month to decide and revisited them all. It is time to make the decision. She is put things off until the last minute kind of girl.</p>
<p>The one of six is your favorite for some reasons. I think you should share those reasons with your S then he can decide if he values those reasons. You have much more worldly experience and no doubt some very valid perspectives. Kids at this age range from absolutely clueless about the different institutions or tiers to knowledgable with most of them hovering near the former.</p>
<p>I would definitely share my opinions with my kids (and did) but I think it’s best to share the objective reasons why you reached your conclusion rather than just the conclusion.</p>
<p>Early on, we told D that any of her 5 choices would be good schools for her. (we heartily vetoed some of her earlier options before she applied). She knows our early vote (which isn’t the same as hers), but she’s got to go where it is right for her. I have, however, put together a spreadsheet to put comparisons between her choices all on one page (and tried to be objective on the pros/cons). Sometimes it’s easier to see it all laid out in front of you.</p>
<p>bethievt - Has your S done all of his visiting? When my D came home last spring from her final visit, she felt she’d narrowed her choices down to 2. I didn’t want to influence her final decision, but I wanted her to talk to me about her impressions, because I thought that as she talked, she would figure things out. I asked lots of questions and “what if’s” and tried to make sure that she was being honest with herself about what she really wanted.</p>
<p>
LOL-- 4 years is a long term commitment to anyone!
We won’t make the decision for our s., but we will make it with him.</p>
<p>Interesting that parents are afraid of their childrens reactions to opinions</p>
<p>I am in the mindset that you can say something about each school, or ask questions about each school, same questions etc</p>
<p>wow, to think that an 18 yearold would do something as big as a college choice to be contrary of a parents opinions?</p>
<p>I am not saying to that you say, this is my favorite, go here, but you can say, have you thought about this, the weather, the majors, the $$, internships, at each school</p>
<p>I am just suprised that parents are so afraid of their almost adult childrens reactions to ideas</p>