<p>“I am just suprised that parents are so afraid of their almost adult childrens reactions to ideas”</p>
<p>I agree with that comment CGM, although wouldn’t go as far as to question a college choice that ran contrary to a parent’s opinion. I agree 100% with what berurah and jym626 said, too.</p>
<p>I tend to agree with the idea that he probably already knows your preference. They have, after all, watched us for cues for 18 plus years and are often uncannily tuned in, even if they act indifferent. So I think it can be important to not express preferences if you can, so that he feels both free to differ and that he is being supported in making an independent decision.</p>
<p>When/if parents have the privilege of allowing their kids to make a choice, I think it can be wonderful for them developmentally to be able to really ponder and choose “on their own.” It does not sound like he will be doing this without having already had a wealth of input from you along the way. Your job now is to trust him. (Bite the lip, slap on the duct tape, try to not give yourself away…) It is really hard to let them get behind the wheel, so to speak, but your confidence in his ability to do it is a true gift. </p>
<p>I sidestepped this problem because my son went ED but both on the way to that decision and while he planned a gap year I was a lip-biting wreck and not always successful by any means…He teases me lovingly now about those phases…and voices gratitude that we did let him find his own way.</p>
<p>I think that the fact that he isn’t asking your opinion at this point suggests he wants to do this independently–at least for this moment in time…</p>
<p>Bethie,
are you afraid your S will make a final choice before he discusses the final subset of options that he is considering? do you want a chance to review his options with him? my suggestion is to offer him a breakfast or lunch or dinner out…on neutral ground…where you can discuss the whole enchilada without anyone having an agenda …other than making sure all facets are under consideration. Then you won’t feel like he is making his choice in his own vacumn…if you will…cause boys love to eat and rarely will a HS Senior refuse an invite to a “special” meal. Best wishes…</p>
<p>When my son was really wrestling with his decision (we had talked pro’s and con’s of the final four already) I asked him if he wanted my opinion. He said he did so I gave it to him. Before the decision though we talked and made spread sheets with financial information, and talked some more.</p>
<p>I am trying hard to keep my mouth shut. My husband is not doing as well in that department. My husband has a clear favorite and my son really liked it as well but wanted to visit two others.
There was a third that my son wanted to visit that I was not thrilled with. In that case I did voice my opinion and reasons and he agreed with me.</p>
<p>there is a place between keeping quiet and being bossy…why can’t parents say something that is “something to be considered”…in life it is never all or nothing, and as parents we should feel comfortable enough to share our wisdom and insight, and we should also be aware that our young’uns will disagree, debate, and sometimes say, hey you were right</p>
<p>and our children should be willing to listen and discuss</p>
<p>Once my S had his 5 options, I printed out a spreadsheet of facts from the US News premium site and asked him to sit down with me and read them over. I pointed out the differences between them and asked him what he liked most about them, then asked him some pointed questions about how he felt about some aspect of each of them (some are farther away from family or metropolitan areas, some have different flavors of the major he’s interested in, some are far more expensive, some are much larger or smaller schools, etc.) – since every one of them had a “What do you think about…?” question, I felt OK bringing up one concern I had about each, then sharing one really great point I noted about each. Then I let him chew it over, telling him we’d happily stick him on a plane to re-visit any of them that he wanted to check out one last time.</p>
<p>Tonight he’s filling out the paperwork for the schools he is declining, and sending off for the t-shirt for his chosen school. 
It’s not the choice I would have made, but it’s a good choice for him and he has good reasons. I’m glad I didn’t keep my mouth shut entirely, but I also know he was going to make his own choice regardless, so I’m glad we did it in a rather even-handed and generally dispassionate way.</p>
<p>Woohoo!!! Way to go Mootmom! Congratulations.
That’s how we did it. Presented the information in a mostly objective way. pointed pros and cons of each choice. (Well, maybe pointed out a few more pros of my choice ;)) and then let them mull.</p>
<p>my 2cents- I really don’t think it makes any difference if you talk about it or not, so why not? You son will make up his own mind, no matter what you say or don’t say, so do what comes naturally. Unless you have a rare 18 year old who still wants to please his mom more than he wants to choose for himself, you have nothing to worry about.<br>
Right now he’s having conversations with different parts of himself. This is where the decision making will occur.</p>
<p>from mootmom’s post: " but I also know he was going to make his own choice regardless, "</p>
<p>Bethievt – what is your favorite? </p>
<p>I don’t really have a favorite for my daughter. I have an opinion as to which schools will be better for achieving her goals, but one of those she has already decided is too small, so be it. All of her choices have advantages and disadvantages. All of them are acceptable. Though I’m kind of hoping she doesn’t pick the most expensive one on the list, I’m okay with it if she does. I just hope that she will pick a school that will enable her to thrive over the next four years. I’m not sure which one on her list is THE ONE. So, will leave it up to her.</p>
<p>Oh Mootmom. A decision! What is it??? Congratulations. We’re still a ways off from a decision. After all, there are still more than two weeks to go until May 1 . . . and a couple of more visits to make. . .</p>
<p>My S had narrowed it down to 2 schools and couldn’t decide - both as different as could be - northern/southern/, huge/mid-sized/, college town/big city, public/private - but the same cost. I had my own opinion as to which I thought would be a better fit - but I was comfortable with either. He asked me which one I thought he should choose and I told him I wouldn’t answer that question. He was going to spend 4 years there and he needed to feel comfortable that he made his own choice. It wasn’t that I was concerned he would choose the opposite from my choice - I didn’t want to take the blame if something was not quite perfect. I gave him some ideas of how to approach the thought process. I wanted him to have the power to take more responsibility for his decisions. He visited both and finally picked one this week. I think he feels very proud of himself for thinking it through rationally and he appears very excited now about college (after months of ambivalence).</p>
<p>We’re leaving Monday to revisit the 5 he hasn’t seen recently. Two of them (Reed and Pomona) he’s only seen in the summer. All of his options are wonderful, but I fell in love with Carleton when we visited-- I know, I’m not the one who’ll be going–he will, so he will pick.</p>
<p>cgm</p>
<p>He isn’t a contrary kid, but it is a time of life to want to be independent.</p>
<p>I think that, for us, looking at what each school offers and doesn’t will be the best approach. The final pick has to be his and I don’t want him making it to please me or with a feeling that I’m disappointed either. Time for me to open my mind and then get out of the way. He’s ready to fly.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the input. This is all so wonderful and so painful at the same time.</p>
<p>This is a great thread for me, although for us a deposit to our flagship state u. has already been made but DD still has time to change her mind. It has been her #1 choice for months now, although recent unexpected acceptances have thrown a wrinkle into things. We are re-visiting her #2 choice next weekend and she will make her final decision after that.</p>
<p>Last night, though she did tell she regrets eliminating a third choice (which was a good academic match but offered the second worst FA package). She knew when she applied that this school was not well known for being generous with FA and we estimated little if any merit aid (she got none). I thought the school was a bad match environment-wise (bad weather–she’s a warm weather girl) and that she’d probably be miserable there because of it. She agreed.</p>
<p>I told her no matter where she lands she will learn to love it. I agree with Bethievt it is a very painful process and much more painful than trying to decide where to apply.</p>
<p>I will proactively offer to my kids that I help them talk through their opinion of the pros and cons of each school in a structured way … the stucture trying to ensure they have thought about dimensions of the choice (do yo ucare about big or small school, for example). I will not offer opinions on pros and cons or on schools themselves unless asked.</p>
<p>My D does not actively reject my opinions - it’s more subconscious than that. It’s become a joke, almost. If mom likes it there must be something wrong with it. I don’t think it’s a measure of disrespect, but more of a pull for independence. Not wanting to be told what to do. However, in this case, it’s easy, because I don’t have an opinion. I waffle - maybe this is better… no, maybe that one is… </p>
<p>I was heavily involved in helping her find the schools she ended up applying to. (So were many of you - since I posted last year looking for suggestions.) She ultimately applied to 6. She and I liked all six. Her reasons so far for narrowing the list have been thoughtful and articulate, so I have faith in her decision process and that makes it easy to stay out of. She actually told me a week or so ago how much she appreciated all the work I put into helping her form her list, and how pleased she is with the results. She was admitted to 5 of her 6 schools (waitlisted from the sixth) with merit scholarships. She said she is amazed at the responses her classmates are getting - rejected from the only school they applied to, or attending a school they know little about or don’t seem to fit at all. </p>
<p>She is actually interested in our opinions, and has been known to even read CC over my shoulder for more perspective. But if I REALLY want her to decide something a specific way, all I have to do is get one of her big brothers to suggest it. She idolizes them. The good news is that her choice is down to two good options. We are waiting upon a financial aid appeal for her top choice, but she has already told me she is fine with her second choice, so it’s all good. I just wish it were over and we were buying t-shirts.</p>
<p>I’m with you binx–I want to buy the sheets and stuff too!!</p>
<p>But I am impressed by how thorough my son has been in choosing schools to apply to, putting together his apps and now considering his options. I wanted him to jump the gun and pop out all his apps quickly last December and I was wrong about that. A slow deliberate and focused approach worked much better. Why should I be surprised he’s using a similar approach to making his final decision?</p>
<p>And, like you binx, I was heavily involved in helping him put together a list, which I guess suggests he trusts me a fair amount. I don’t want to abuse that trust by putting too much of myself into what needs to be his choice. I need to trust him as much as he’s trusted me.</p>
<p>How about helping him make a pro and con list. You could have some input in a casual sort of way. Ultimately, the decision is obviously his.</p>
<p>I wanted my daughter to try for a particular school and she chose not to. I still have some curiosity about whether or not she would have been accepted, but it was her decision and she hasn’t looked back.</p>
<p>It’s tough to stand back, but unless there is some glaring problem with one of the schools, I’d let him decide.</p>
<p>Best of luck.</p>
<p>I say, have fun on your trip…the hard part is that the decision is still open ended. Not knowing exactly where one’s child will be in Sept is very unsettling. Once he decides, you will feel a sense of calm/peace/quiet. You will have new worries…but at least once a decision is made, you can begin to project his future few years. </p>
<p>Not to be maudlin, but I did miscarry once upon a time…that was when I realized how I had already begun to build hopes and dreams for my child. I was sad to lose the baby … really early on in the pregnancy… I was surprised by how many hopes and dreams I had… </p>
<p>For me, the time btwn dropping the apps in the mail box, and completing the reply cards was very, very unsettled…and all I know now, with hindsight, is that this will soon be over…and you know you can have faith in your child’s opinion. The most important thing is to have a choice…and watching our kids apply what they have learned in making their choice is a great opp for our own growth. </p>
<p>Enjoy…breathe…enjoy… it is a magical time …</p>
<p>Your son sounds incredible. I’m certain he will make the right choice for himself. By all means, if he asks your opinion (and he will), give it. But he needs to know it was his decision (and I’m sure he will).</p>
<p>In our case parental input takes the form of actively discussing, visiting and researching schools where our kids may (or may not) ultimately wish to apply. However, once the apps are already in, unless circumstances have changed, IMO, that already is a kind of a tacit parental endorsement of sorts. In that case, <em>unless</em> there are financial considerations , I think the family can and should be very much a part of the discussion but the final decision should be the kid’s.</p>