How to Respond to D's Jekyll/Hyde Behavior?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Precious First Child has graduated HS and will head off to great college of her choosing in late August.</p>

<p>She and I have had great relationship up to now, and are both relieved to have survived her crazy senior year. The typical “rising freshman in college” behavior I have read about is starting to be revealed, and I am not sure how to best respond.</p>

<p>I understand intellectually that she is trying to pull away and create her new, independent self. This is a normal, necessary step for her. I realize I am most likely driving her crazy with some of my behavior, too. Just not sure how I can prepare myself for these unexpected moments. (And she really is seeming to turn this ugly behavior on/off randomly.)</p>

<p>In the heat of the moment, when she is irritating me by treating me like a child who doesn’t know anything, I find I am not taking the high road of patience and end up debating and arguing with her instead.</p>

<p>I know we will make it through this time, I know she will be fine at college. I am so excited for her and know she will grow into a responsible, caring adult.</p>

<p>I just need some advice on the SPECIFICS of IN THE MOMENT how to respond/ignore her. We also have a younger son who is watching all this unfold, so I feel a greater weight to “do things correctly”.</p>

<p>Our children have never been allowed to talk disrespectfully to us or any adult, and that is probably where my indignation is coming from. I am reading advice that says to just ignore her outbursts, but is that giving her permission to continue her awful attitude?</p>

<p>My husband and I want to work together and present a united front to our daughter, even though it appears she is only butting heads with me. He did a great job yesterday of putting her in her place verbally after she had made a disparaging comment to me. He gave her a moment to chill and then calmly spoke to her. He defended my position as being correct.</p>

<p>She has apologized once, saying she didn’t understand what she was feeling. I told her it was probably going to happen again, and that we had to figure out how to handle it.</p>

<p>I feel like I am living with two completely different people. I never know which “twin” I will encounter…happy princess or grumpy know-it-all.</p>

<p>Specific Advice on ignoring and/or responding to my D is appreciated.</p>

2

<p>The I’ve learned with my DS who will be starting college in the fall is that arguing doesn’t help and there is the chance you could end up say something you wish you hadn’t…
So what I do is cross my arms, tilt my head and give the “I’m your mom. you better rethink what you just said” stare. I don’t say anything just stare. Anyway that what works for me.</p>

3

<p>Practice saying this: “I disagree but I’m not going to argue with you right now. We’ll discuss this when you’re feeling less emotional about it.” </p>

<p>Then walk away. </p>

<p>Near the end of a particularly difficult week, as move in time was approaching, I said straight out “When I was getting ready to go away to college I felt like everybody I knew was really just excited but I was honestly really, really scared. Are you feeling scared?” It let her know that it was ok to have a lot of conflicting feelings even though none of her friends were talking about having conflicting feelings.</p>

<p>I think that summer is really difficult and it is the way that BOTH of you are trying to separate.</p>

4

<p>2016BarnardMom, thank you. Your sentence to say to D is just what I was looking for. Saying something calmly and then walking away will allow me to keep my dignity without starting an argument.</p>

5

<p>When both of you are in a fairly calm mood, you may want to sit down with her to discuss your guidelines while she is still home - use of car, curfew (if any), chores, summer job, allowance…Ask for her input on the guidelines instead of you just dictating and then have her live up to what you agreed. Try to treat her like an adult, but it also means for her to treat you like an adult (not just a mom) with respect. I think Bernardsmom’s response is excellent, what is more important is not to engage when she is angry.</p>

6

<p>MichiganGeorgia, I want to be able to look back on this summer and not have regrets. I know what she is doing is “normal” and to be expected, and yet it still irks me. This is a summer for ME to grow and adjust, too, not just her. Thanks for your words of wisdom.</p>

7

<p>As to BarnardMom’s advice “We’ll discuss this when you’re less emotional about it”–there’s a variation–“we’ll discuss this when I’M less emotional about it”.</p>

8

<p>Wow, this sounds like me 4 years ago! The good news is, there will be many good moments ahead, but the bad news is, there are some not-so-good-moments yet to come, including her first break home after being at college (Thanksgiving for us).</p>

<p>My D was an angel in high school, so when I saw this new side, my feelings were very hurt at first. I realized that I was too focused on her, and that I was smothering her with all my “help” and questions. I am not the best at words, so I’ll let others help you with the right phrases to ease out of these moments. On the non-words side, the best thing you can do is immerse yourself in activities that are not about her at all (you, your S, your hubby, friends, projects, etc.). It will give her space and will also give you something to focus on so you won’t have a huge hole when your princess leaves for college (and she will always be your happy princess, even if the grumpy know-it-all barges in once in a while).</p>

9

<p>I am also going through this - but not to a great extent YET. My d13 has changed a lot in the last 6 months and is starting to tell me what she is doing instead of asking if she can do something. I have decided that this is OK as long as she is honest and gives me notice (in case it interferes with other family things). I did make a very clear decision about 3 months ago that “I can not allow her emotions to be my emotions” and I repeat this to myself often. She is working almost full time and still involved in her EC’s this summer so we don’t see each other too often. I am looking forward to the fun shopping for college but am going to be 100% the participant and keep my opinions to myself :)</p>

10

<p>I’m not a teenager (I just act like one), but I tend to treat people like children when they are treating me like one. </p>

<p>I’m not going to pretend to know your life and your interaction with your D better than you do, but I’m picturing things like you asking her if she’s thought about her college dorm room shopping. Totally normal mom thing, right? </p>

<p>Her internal monologue: “I graduated from high school last week. I don’t have my dorm room assignment, I have no idea who my roommate is, I’m trying to find a summer job, and yeah, I want to see my friends before we all scatter in August. Besides, you would be all over my case if I spent the rest of the summer with my room all cluttered up with dorm room stuff.” </p>

<p>So her verbal response: “[SIGH!] Whatever, mom. Don’t you know that you’re supposed to work that out with your roommate?”</p>

<p>For things that affect the entire house, sit down with her and discuss (curfew, chores, use of the car, etc.). For things that affect her (e.g. what laptop she needs for school, etc.), tell her that it’s her responsibility to tell you and your husband what she needs help with and what she needs. Put the onus on her and then let her fail. That moment when you think, “If I don’t say something, she’s going to go to college without the right bedding” is EXACTLY the moment in which you NEED to keep quiet.</p>

11

<p>It’s good that you are reaching out, because . . . someone has to be the adult here :-)</p>

<p>Best to practice those lines you will use beforehand . . .</p>

<p>I do not prefer the "We’ll discuss this when you’re feeling less emotional about it . . because it pegs the DD as the problem. try the “we” word instead . </p>

<p>And when it is clearly YOUR issue/problem/lack of patience the best thing to do is model good behavior by saying something like “I am too emotional to keep talking about this right now so I’m giving myself a time out and will get back to you later” then walking away and count to 10 . . . or 20 . . . or 100, whatever you need :-)</p>

12

<p>I’d say- ask yourself- would you tolerate being treated so rudely by a houseguest? Probably not. Is there some reason a houseguest has to follow even stricter rules than a family member, particularly one that has reached legal adulthood, yet you are probably still largely supporting them? Probably not.
People that reach 18 sometimes think themselves an adult and having no rules. I did, my S did. But no, it isn’t being 18 that permits one to have his/her own rules, it is being self supporting. Remind D that while she may be 18, and you can’t “order her around” you are also over 18, and self-supporting, and she can 't order you around!</p>

13

<p>Just a thought here:</p>

<p>Is your daughter skilled at communication? Can she usually discuss any subject with you without crossing the line into disrespect?</p>

<p>I ask because when I was her age, I didn’t have that skill. My parents insisted on respectful communication at all times, and I couldn’t figure out how to do it when the topic was something that I had strong feelings about. So I stopped trying. By the time I was in college, I never talked about anything that was important to me with my parents.</p>

<p>All my life I have wished that it could have been possible to occasionally put a moratorium on the “no disrespect” rule and just communicate, no matter how awkwardly, with my parents. I wanted a safe situation when I could say or ask anything, but it never happened.</p>

<p>Might your daughter be in a similar situation? She’s about to leave for college – a time of heightened emotions for many young people and their parents. Are there things she wants to talk about, but the conversations get derailed because her words become disrespectful? And if that’s happening, does she have the skill to communicate the same messages in a respectful way?</p>

14

<p>Thank you for all your thoughtful responses. Your words and opinions are exactly what I was searching for.</p>

<p>I do have some work to do on my part of our interactions, and will incorporate the “we’ll discuss when I am not so emotional”. </p>

<p>Marian, I hadn’t thought of it from your perspective. Can’t say that I am sure of my daughter’s communication skills. Will think on that…</p>

<p>D and I are not fighting about anything of importance. The Big Stuff is going pretty smoothly. She is very responsible and is handling her Dorm List herself. She doesn’t have a set curfew, if she is with others (for safety in numbers) we are pretty lenient. It’s just the little, everyday things that we are struggling with.</p>

<p>She dual enrolled her senior year, earning 22 hours college credits, danced in pre-professional company 8-10 hrs/week, worked fast food 20 hours/week, participated in two church youth groups, and kept a 3.96 UW GPA. And kept a relationship with boyfriend going.</p>

<p>Summer brings her some freedom and down time. Working 30+ hours/week, boyfriend, church, and getting ready for college. Boyfriend will attend different college 2.5 hours apart.</p>

<p>Appreciate each caring response, and still open to other words of wisdom or just encouragement. I needed to hear about the first visit home from college, I would NOT have been prepared for that. Anything else I need to be watching out for? If I am prepared in advance, it is easier for me to handle.</p>

15

<p>younghoss said:“would you tolerate being treated so rudely by a houseguest? Probably not.”</p>

<p>And the OP would not be driving any houseguest crazy, too? (aka “I realize I am most likely driving her crazy with some of my behavior, too.”)</p>

16

<p>Most young people are not as inept at communication as I was.</p>

<p>But still, sometimes I think that the requirement for respect at all times is a barrier to parent-child communication.</p>

<p>With my own kids, I didn’t have that requirement. And over the years, they said some awful things to me. But I would rather have had that happen than for them to feel that there were things they could not say (or that they would be cut off if they did say them).</p>

<p>Some of the things that I wished I could have said to my own parents included the following:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>(At about 11). “It scares me when I have to ride in a car with [name of family member] driving after [that person] has been drinking.”</p></li>
<li><p>(At about 13, when I had a health concern involving a personal part of the body). “I would like to see the doctor alone this time.”</p></li>
<li><p>(At about 15). “[Much older relative] is touching me in ways I don’t like and making it clear that he wants to have sex with me. I don’t know how to handle this.”</p></li>
<li><p>(At about 17). “I’m really unhappy lately, and I’ve been having thoughts that scare me. I would like to see some sort of counselor.”</p></li>
</ol>

<p>I never said any of these things because my parents had set up our lives in a way that prevented me from saying them. Perhaps a more communication-savvy kid could have said all of them without pressing the “disrespect” button, but I couldn’t. </p>

<p>It’s something to think about, at least.</p>

17

<p>Humor. Humor. Humor. When my daughter slammed the door, over and over? “Honey, tell me what you really feel. I’m going to sit out here for a while and think. Do you need a cookie?”</p>

<p>My daughter made me crazy for years. She was rude. I was rude. We used my husband as a mediator. DH and I walked the dog and came home and tried to listen.</p>

<p>It’s tough being young and dealing with all these expectations. But… it’s a lot easier if you both make a commitment to listening. Do it sometime when you’re both well-fed and relaxed; low blood sugar can make it tough, IMHO.</p>

18

<p>When mine were between high school and college, I told them we were taking our relationship to a different level. I told them that while I’d always give advice (sometimes when they didn’t want it), I had no expectation that they’d always heed it. That made it easier for them to listen to me, because they knew they had a choice without repercussions from me. They didn’t need to tune me out in order to assert their independence.</p>

<p>Another good way to help your young adult adjust to their new status is to ask their advice, and then take it. </p>

<p>I’m proud they’re independent thinkers. They’ve learned that my advice isn’t always wrong. I’ve learned my advice isn’t always right.</p>

19

<p>

She might be <em>really</em> burnt out, and when someone is like that, every little thing will set her off. It doesn’t make it right, but she might need tools to express herself and the underlying issues.</p>

<p>There’s also the “perfect girl” expectation, wherein young women feel incredible pressure to keep up the perfect life: perfect hair, body, school records, athletic life, boyfriend, friends, and job. (Note that there’s no time for them.) It’s an insane thing to expect out of anybody, but especially detrimental to young adults. </p>

<p>I would guess that what you see as “just this little thing”, she sees as the straw that breaks the camel’s back, or yet another thing that she’s supposed to magically get done while maintaining the perfect life. </p>

<p>I hear where Marian is coming from. It’s tough when you’re not allowed to say, “This hugely problematic thing is actually a problem that I need help solving,” and it means that the problem doesn’t get solved.</p>

20

<p>Everyone has different dynamics. I don’t say horrible things to my kids in anger and they have never said anything horrible to me. This does not mean we don’t/haven’t had conflict and have not been able to talk it out candidly. I don’t believe any child tells a parent “everything” as some maintain, but my kids tell me a lot about their lives, good and bad. We are close but yet they know disrespect is not tolerated in our house nor is it practiced by us towards them.</p>

<p>Other families are different and still have close and satisfying relationships. Different strokes.</p>