You know, I wouldn’t even explain. How about saying: “Bless her heart. I’ll pray for her mission.” End of story.
OMG that’s exactly what my Uber-religious sister-in-law (ex-husband’s sister) used to say when we were dealing with a family crisis that should have been shared among all the siblings. She would say, “I’ll contribute the prayers.” And some of the other religious siblings (NOT my atheist ex) would consider that the equivalent of the $5K that everyone else was pitching in. They thought she was so saintly that her prayers had extra power or something.
One possible issue with a casual no with some exceedingly persistent askers or bullies who won’t let up is that they’ll ignore the no behind it and regard it as a sign they need to be more persistent/aggressive in asking.
With such folks, sometimes a firm no explicitly expressed is the only way to unambiguously put such askers/bullies and other prospective askers/bullies on notice that they’d best be moving on to those who are more generous or easier marks.
re post # 29. India does NOT need your religion! Of course no bikinis- it’s INDIA, not the Caribbean! I see NO reason for those not of your church to support your efforts. Asking others to pay for your enrichment trip is the same as soliciting for any vacation.
btw- never went to H’s homeland- his parents kept coming here and he has negatives about the crowds, dirt, noise…
Back to OP. I see no reason not to bluntly just say no. Be honest, you are not sorry you do not wish to give. That person is way out of line in asking those not in her church for money to support beliefs they may disagree with. Better a simple “no” than trying to tell her how wrong she is. I wish some of those who think they are doing so much good would stick with the good and not add needing to spend their time hearing wrong beliefs as payment.
Here’s a college-related one: a few years ago, I got a call from a former roommate at the college I transferred AWAY from because I was so miserable there (not because of her; we got along very well). I thought it was a “hi! we haven’t spoken in like twenty years” call, which would be great, because i really did like her and we see each other occasionally on FB. But then it turned out she was in charge of “our” class’s fundraising for the school, and she wanted me to donate (“anything is fine”) just so they can say they have 100% participation. I kept saying that I wasn’t part of the class (trying not to say how much I disliked the school), but she maintained I counted even though I didn’t graduate with them.
I think I said I would, then didn’t. It really did not sit well with me and it a little bit hurt how I felt about her.
@wis75 India received Christianity before my ancestral homeland. These were local Indian churches that were deeply involved in service projects for all people, regardless of religion and caste. But that’s not a debate that’s relevant to the OP’s real dilemma.
If I was inarticulate in post #29, let me state that we were very cognizant of the stain of the “poverty tourism” thing or the “mission junkets” where kids spent a day cleaning a basketball court in Mexico then off to the beaches. Indeed, I concurred with people being wary of them.
These kids worked in extremely impoverished service situations that most adult Americans would have found challenging. I stand by the effort.
I’m glad someone brought this up.
Also to be considered is toxic charity. https://www.inphilanthropy.org/sites/default/files/files/pages/Toxic%20Charity%20Synopsis.pdf
I didn’t read all of the posts here but if you work for a company that is large enough to have an HR department it should be brought up to them. No one should be pressured to participate in ANY sort of fundraising. The company I work for is very specific about this. People can/do leave sign up sheets in the common break room for Girl Scout cookies, Boy Scout Popcorn, charity walks , etc which is fine. But no one is directly asked/approached to give.
“There is a name for this activity. Poverty tourism”
If I gave $20.00 it was not because I thought the activity or charity is legit…it is to keep the peace in my office.
that is worth $20.00
Go to your manager. Do you have an employee handbook? There should be something in there about that. If there isn’t the owner/manager needs to put a kibosh on it. I don’t allow soliciting employees.
also , a lot of people keep saying go to HR about this. do not do this! think of the locker room bullies in junior high or the playground in elementary school. you “rat” a person out you will be ridiculed, shunned etc…
is it right? no…IMO keep your charity to yourself and not at work. but that is not what people do. so if you go up the food chain to a manger or to HR…you will be the “bad guy” and there is no such thing as anonymous. I handle HR and I keep my mouth shut on everything if some talks to me privately.(never had a complaint on the charity issue) but if you come to me confidentially even though it stays that way…anyone walking into more office is seen by enough people that when they try and trace back who ratted they will figure it out. (even with a 1 or 2 day delay to try and shelter the person who complained)
The OP works in a small place and there is no HR. She could complain to the boss but it would be better to handle it herself, if she can. If this woman can’t take a firm no, and pesters everyone repeatedly, I would say go to the boss in a group and let that person know, calmly, how the work environment is suffering.
zobroward–I totally get that. Sometimes it’s worth the money. When my boss, the breast cancer survivor, starts up the donations for that, well, I’m not that stupid. I pony up and wear the t-shirt and jeans.
The problem with that line of thinking is that the persistent/bullying fundraiser will then keep asking you/others who take this approach as they got a positive result the previous time(your $20).
Appeasement never works in the long term with persistent askers/bullies…it telegraphs weakness to them and gives them greater incentive to ask again…and to ask for more…
I also have serious issues with fundraisers who are so entitled and presumptuous as to assume it’s ok to assign someone a dollar amount.
Or worse, if the activity/event is politically/religiously affiliated…especially for proselytizing purposes and the fundraising individual is presumptuous to ask someone who they haven’t confirmed is a member of their religion/denomination/church/political party.
I’ve been fortunate in that nearly every workplace I’ve worked in bans these sorts of coerced solicitations* and actually enforces them by firing those who persist in the manner of OP’s fundraising soliciter.
- One should be free to decline for any reason without any repercussions from others...especially the employer.
I haven’t gotten this in a work environment but I have had it in Mr R’s family. At get togethers, everyone is expected to kick in money to support relatives’ mission trips. I do not support their religion or trips in any way and I’ve always said no. Could I kick in $20 to keep the peace? Sure but then I’ll keep getting asked. So I say “no.”
As someone said upthread, “no” is a complete sentences. Adding details only gives them an in to try and guilt trip you into donating.
“Sure - so can I count on you for $20 for [your charity of choice]?”
No thanks. Best wishes to her.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
I used to feel bad about saying no because my nature is to not disappoint people.
Luckily I’ve (mostly) gotten over that :D.
I just say “no thank you.”
There’s no comeback, argument, or workaround for it, and it’s polite.
And I NEVER say “sorry”, because I have nothing to apologize for. Women love to use that word when it’s not needed, and I feel like it dilutes it. Sorry should be for when you’ve done something wrong and you need to apologize. Women use it to temporize and it makes me nuts.
ETA: Once I remembered someone was pressuring me to donate to their friend’s kids whatever whatever, and I said, “feel free to donate $20 in my name if it’s that important to you”.
She never asked me for stuff again, or invited me to her Trapped In Your Home Must Buy Pampered Chef/Silpat/Crap Of The Month parties, either.
It’s obnoxious to do this. Occassionally, people at work will do things like run a marathon that supports a charity, and I’ll contribute, but I have never had anyone tell me to contribute, let alone an amount. I have given spontaneously, when 911 happened some people decided to support the local fire station (that ended up losing 7 guys at the WTC) by buying things they were asking for, like bottled water and some other things, and peopel gave generously, but no one even kept tabs. Likewise, if there is some kind of gift, they are very careful to make it voluntary, and people understand others may not be able to contribute or want to, it is kind of stupid to ask someone to donate to a birthday gift for someone they don’t even know. I have friends of mine at work who do serious mission trips, they really try to do things, and they have never, ever done anything like that, the op’s situation sounds pretty crass to me. If someone questioned why I wasn’t donating, I would tell them I have limited funds to donate to charity and I have causes that I believe in, and if pushed I would tell them outright, using the OP’s example, that I won’t support poverty tourism, that I would rather support groups on the ground in places like that, who are doing real work , rather than paying for people basically going to gawk (and if like more than a few religious groups, to proslytize, which I despise…charity should be its own form of evangelism)…and if she badmouthed me, so be it, wouldn’t be the first person shrug.
H and I just say, “No, thank you.” It is simple and it works. Eventually, they tend to stop asking. We rarely had our kids sell anything just because we hate lining the pockets of the people who make the fundraisers for the charities and would rather donate directly to the charities we support.