How to select college for a kid who is too dependent upon parents?

Parents Forum
1

<p>Ok … so she is a bright kid … academically. But she is all too dependent upon her parents, us, for almost everything, and I am not talking financially … I am talking about everything. She wouldn’t buy any clothes without her mom present for an opinion. She couldn’t ever decide on what to eat at a restaurant (or even at home if there are multiple choices) and I will have to decide for her (and she is always happy with my decision). She wouldn’t pick a vacation destination or an activity, but wholeheartedly partake in one … and enjoy it too … once I pick one for her. Even the high school classes she took in the last 4 years were all taken after she first consulted with me. All her summer activities were always designed and planned by me including which camps to attend and what college/university classes to take during summers.</p>

<p>It’s not like she can’t decide. I think she can (at least that’s what I’d like to believe). But she leans heavily on us, trusts our judgement, and seeks our opinion on almost everything she does. In a way it is a good thing, and I wouldn’t be surprised if some parents even envy us and wish their kids were like her.</p>

<p>But now is the time for her to go to college. And I don’t want to tell her where to go. I want this to be her decision. I don’t want to pick a profession for her. This is something she will have to do for the rest of her life (or a big portion of it) and I want this to be her decision and not mine.</p>

<p>The guidance I gave her few years back … was … a) pick a profession which will likely be in demand for ever, b) pays well, c) is considered respectable in society, d) puts you in a position to be able to help others, and e) is difficult to acquire and not offered either online or by any of the diploma/degree mills risking dilution of your hard earned degree … but above all, pick something that you enjoy doing. I understand all of the above can be accomplished with many professions, but I suggested her medicine (MD).</p>

<p>She applied as a biology major and was accepted into UCI, UCSD, UCLA, UCB, USC and some schools on the east coast such as BU and Rutgers etc. At some of these schools, biology is an impacted major.</p>

<p>Not that I want to push her away, I really would love for her to stay close to home (or even AT home) but I secretly wanted her to choose BU or Rutgers, primarily because they are far away and will force her to be become independent.</p>

<p>But at the same time, local schools such as UCLA, UCB and USC are much finer institutions than both Rutgers and BU (in my opinion).</p>

<p>The best fin-aid package she has received is from USC, with all UCs being at least $10,000 more per year … and guess where we live … less than 5 miles from USC.</p>

<p>So here is my dilemma … even if she lives on campus, if she stays as close as USC, I am afraid she will forever be depending on us for tiniest of things and will never gain independent-living and decision-making experiences college-going students are suppose to get which prepare them for the real world after college. Knowing that she will do/go where ever we tell her to (probably because she trust we will do what is in her best interest), should we, just for that reason, send her away, settle on a lesser quality school and also pay more for it?</p>

<p>Are there any parents who have experienced similar situation? or anybody else who can share some wisdom?</p>

2

<p>Her dependence on you has nothing to do with how far away she is from you. In this day and age, students can and do talk to their parents every day even if Mom and Dad are in California and student is in New York.</p>

<p>In what ways have you actually cultivated her dependence that irritates you now? Is it all her fault that she expects to ask you about everything? Change your own behavior toward your D and she will develop her independence, even if she lives at home and attends college close by.</p>

<p>I think you are right to be concerned that she must take responsibility for her own life decisions, but geographical distance will not do it alone.</p>

3

<p>I think that your D is FAR TOO dependent on you to be that far away. I think that if you send her to the east coast, you’d soon find her back home.</p>

<p>Your D has a dependency issue. Has she seen a therapist? I have known two young people with dependency issues, and both panicked when they were shoved too far from the nest without having had their “comfort zones” stretched a bit at a time first. </p>

<p>If you had started withdrawing your decision=making ways a long time ago to let her ease into this, that would be different. But, you let this go on too long, and now you want to shove her out of the nest and drop her off across the country. Bad idea. </p>

<p>Your D needs to develop some independence, but pushing her that far away could be disastrous and then she wouldn’t be able to get into a UC til she’s a junior. Too risky.</p>

<p>I would go with USC with the understanding that she’s going to live on campus, and not come home until XX date and few phone conversations each week.</p>

<p>also, from now on, stop making decisions for her. She needs to pick her foods, etc, herself.</p>

4

<p>Stop NOW making choices for her so it’s not so much of a shock when she goes off to college. If she picks a school within easy driving distance to home make rules that she can’t come home for the first 6 weeks. She is going to have a very difficult next few months learning how to do for herself but she NEEDS to learn that. Don’t go shopping with her, put her in situations where she needs to decide for herself–send her grocery shopping, make her talk to the banker about her checking accounts (don’t go with, don’t drive her), give her jobs around the house she has to complete when you are not home or without your help–make her in charge of planning and cooking dinner each night, etc. Have her get a job, on her own. Force her to be independent.</p>

<p>I get what you are saying about forcing her to go far away but if she is that dependent on you it could be disastrous. DO NOT let her live at home.</p>

5

<p>Oh I have no one else to blame for it but myself. I may have, over the years, not only encouraged that behavior but, unconsciously, enjoyed it too. But how do I correct it now?</p>

6

<p>I don’t think it’s a dependency issue, I think it’s just her temperment. I have a 16 year old daughter who is the exact same way. She sure is my easiest child to raise! Very easy going, easily pleased and a delight to be around.</p>

<p>Baby steps. I think going away to college would be a disaster for your daughter. It’s too much all at once.</p>

<p>It may even work out best to have her live at home her first year as she adapts to making all of those academic decisions, even what to have for lunch on campus. I suspect that as her confidence and independence grows, she will be happy to live on campus the following year.</p>

<p>Don’t feel bad! Your daughter is bright and capable. Give her some time to test out her wings… and keep enjoying her company!</p>

7

<p>I agree with the others, the closer colleges, especially given the financial aspect are the right choices.</p>

<p>I think the best way to correct it would be to have a frank talk. Tell her that as much as you have enjoyed the way she leans on you it’s time for her to begin to be a grownup and that you are going to make a real effort from now on not to make decisions for her. You don’t have to do it cold turkey - lots of people go clothes shopping with their kids and enjoy it, but I can’t imagine choosing my kid’s restaurant food for example. She’s going to buy a bunch of stuff for her college room, that might be a good place to start with her. Make a budget, discuss what sorts of things she might need, what needs to be discussed with a roommate (fridge, MW) and then let her handle it on her own.</p>

8

<p>Well the good news is you have 5 months to work on it. As another poster above said, maybe you could use some professional help on this so that the weening off process goes more smoothly and to make sure you are doing it correctly. Maybe this could involve a transference with someone who knows how to best bring about a positive result.
Congrats to you for admitting to this and wanting to make a change for her benefit. You must love your daughter very much.</p>

9

<p>Yankee, I don’t think your issue is all that uncommon, especially with this generation of teenagers. Many of us are guilty of over parenting, of course with the best of intentions. I would start to pull back slowly and let her make some small decisions for herself. Food and clothing choices would be a great place to start. See how she responds. If you get a forceful refusal to take personal responsibility for those things, then I think sending her to the East Coast would be setting her up for failure. Just would be too overwhelming. </p>

<p>We saw a tamer version of this in our own D in middle school. We just slowly began giving her more responsibility. If she didn’t make the decision, then it didn’t get made. I think the biggest mistake we make as parents is caring more about any particular issue than the child does. When we do, we cave and step in and take care of things. This can get very comfortable for a child.</p>

10

<p>I also have a D who was constitutionally unable to make a decision without parental input. She is now a junior in college and still wants to call us/consult us for every decision. I have to consciously tell myself to “back off” and not give advice. It’s hard. When she calls - I listen, I comment, but I say “the decision is yours.” She has had some small panic attacks when facing major decisions (what to major in, what summer job to accept, etc) I just try to talk her through it. She did have therapy in HS and is on anti-anxiety meds now. Good thing - she is now making her day to day decisions by herself. My H and I have braced ourselves for the next year - “what to do after graduation?” But I’m confident that she will rise to the occasion </p>

<p>My advice: Baby steps. Let her pick a college close to home, but insist that she live on campus. Let her make friends on campus. Listen but don’t give advice. If necessary, talk her through options, help her ask the “what if” questions. Good luck!</p>

11

<p>As a Rutgers grad and a Trojan parent I agree with you that Rutgers doesn’t match up academically although it would be a very interesting experience for a California girl. I agree with others that with the internet and cell phones far away isn’t as far away as it used to be. I remember the numerous phone calls from him when he was walking to class. I would recommend USC because of the financial aid, the quality of school, and the city environment. </p>

<p>I really can’t advise you on how to get her to become more independent. My son remained my project, as he referred to it, even though he was three time zones and over 2,000 miles away. We lived in Virginia at the time. He’s still in LA and now in his late 20s appears to be living his life without needing my advice except when he has a girlfriend problem. I can’t believe he thinks that I know what I’m talking about when it comes to women.</p>

12

<p>If finances are not an issue, I would have her live ON campus. Then, as a parent, I would keep in touch certainly, but NOT always be available for shopping trips and the rest of these decisions.</p>

13

<p>One thing you may want to try with her is to delay your response or not be so readily available to her. As an example, if she were to call you from a mall to ask you for advise about an outfit, don’t pick up the phone. If you are out at a restaurant, order your food then make an excuse to go to the bathroom, so she would need to order by herself.</p>

<p>My older one was very close to me. We used to do a lot of things together, from shopping, going to eat, vacationing, and such. We really enjoyed each other company. For some people it may have been too close, but it worked for us. For what’s worth, she did go off to college 4 hours drive away, graduated with a job and is living by herself. She still calls me for any major, but not for a lot of other things now, which I kind of miss.</p>

<p>I think your D should go to the best college possible. Just because it’s closer to home, it doesn’t mean she’ll be more dependent on you. She’ll be so busy at USC/UCLA that she is not going to be able to see you any more than if was going to BU or Rutgers. But it may make her feel better to be able to go home if she wants to.</p>

14

<p>My son is an only child, and I am a single parent, and we have a very small (and distant) family. He’s relied on my advice and guidance, and I believe has benefitted from learning about dealing with things before having to face them independently. He is a senior heading off to college 2000+ miles away next fall. He does seek out my suggestions for a lot of things, and counts on me to offer experience/judgment on the big decisions. </p>

<p>That said, I realized going in to this senior year that I wasn’t doing him any favors if we didn’t make some changes to prepare him for more independence, whether he was two hours away or two time zones away, as it turned out.</p>

<p>Here’s what I did. I sat down with him and explained that while I enjoyed making decisions and doing things together, I knew how to do all these things and that he needed to be comfortable doing a wider range of things without my involvement. I also said that making him do/know how was one of my jobs as a parent, perhaps one of my last and most important, and I needed to know that he could do these things. </p>

<p>Most important, I explained that if he showed me how well he could function independent of me it would really put my mind at ease, so that I wouldn’t worry so much later. (I did this so he wouldn’t be confused, think I was pushing him away, etc because he’s a sensitive kid and we’re very close.)</p>

<p>Then I started some new pursuits which take up my time - knitting, knitting classes, knitting groups, volunteering, etc. (See what I did there? I’m also preparing myself for the big old hole that’s about to open up in my life with the transition to “empty nest” up ahead.)</p>

<p>That conversation became a reference point whenever I pushed him a little farther out of the nest. I’ve had to experience his learning curve and live through some of his decisions, lack of action, etc but it has helped that I try to remember - and remind him - that he’s grown now, and we’re two adults. I’m available for consultation, but it’s his life, and I have confidence in him. (I can do this because he’s a bright, hardworking kid who’s never given me a minute of trouble) </p>

<p>That startled him a bit, but once he began to view himself in that way, he stepped up.</p>

15

<p>Make sure to select a college far away from home. This is really important for her to become more independent.</p>

16

<p>She will grow into independence just living on campus, even if she’s actually a few miles from home.</p>

17

<p>I think it’s great that you recognize that it’s a CO-dependent relationship. When I sent my oldest off to boarding school at 14, I realized that, for his own benefit, my best efforts at parenting would include making his Dad and I as unnecessary in his life as possible. I wanted him to want us in his life…to seek us out for guidance, support, encouragement…but not <em>need</em> us. Did she only apply to schools on either coast? There sure are lots of amazing schools with top bio programs in the states between Caly and New Jersey. :)</p>

18

<p>How is she with her friends? Is she the same way? I think some kids are eager to please and eventually forget their own tastes and wants. However it is important to make sure she is fully prepared live in a dorm. Some kids take a while to mature. It is not wise also to pressure a child that may just need a little more time to grow. Has she ever done some volunteer work, were she had to take more responsibilities and decision making? I agree that you have to let her decide by just asking her : what do you think, what do you want?
Be patient. No one changes from day to night.</p>

19

<p>Suggest that DD pick the “best fit” school, and if it’s 5 miles away - that’s ok, but can she live on campus? Does that school have a large commuter student population? Don’t oversell schools that are far away. Distance won’t always cure dependence. With extreme distance, more likely acute homesickness and other adjustment issues are strong possibilities that could derail such an experience.</p>

<p>Our DS’ HS counselor strongly suggested that DS’ college choice be within easy driving distance from home, which we agreed, and suggested best choice would be within our major city so that he could commute first year. She offered her experiences with her own three emotionally-different children. DS is also quite dependent, though he doesn’t acknowledge this and insisted upon a “residential-campus” college. We steered him towards small private LACs that are within four hours drive distance that are “good fits”. (Our in-state public university-college options here are all very large campuses, and w/exception of flagship, not academically lackluster “party” schools).</p>

<p>Listen to your gut feelings, and not necessarily CC posters’ blandishments about “go far” and “maturation requires distance”. You know your child.</p>

<p>Also, “going far away” is sometimes overrated. If a student’s intention is to return to their community for employment and “ever after” upon graduation, it often makes absolute sense to remain relatively local, where school has an established reputation, strong alumni network, internship connections, etc. Graduating from Rutgers or BU and moving to our major Midwest city wouldn’t help much careerwise.</p>

20

<p>I am frankly more concerned about you “helping her” decide she wants to major in bio than the clothes shopping, etc. No adult ends up depressed over their life because their parents help them pick out their sweaters… but to end up pre-med, or in med school, or as a miserable intern because you never got to/had to decide what you wanted to be when you grew up- jeez. What a thing to contemplate.</p>

<p>I think your D will have a tough transition regardless of which college she chooses. The only kid I’ve ever met who sounds like your D is living at home at the age of 30; went to a top ranked college less than an hour from home (and lived in a dorm); was a bio major since that’s what mom and dad picked; has probably taken the MCAT three times and has not been admitted to a single med school. To watch someone who would have been a fabulous (fill in the blank-- teacher, banker, speech therapist, technical writer, publicist, urban planner) still working minimum wage jobs while she “polishes” her med school applications… wow. </p>

<p>So baby steps. Tell her you will support her 100% with whatever college she chooses but that it’s too big a decision for someone else to make for her. Next time a small decision comes up (pasta or chicken) you can tell her that it’s too trivial a decision for her to need input on. Just pick one and move on- the consequences of making the wrong choice are close to zero. And be consistent. Don’t send the message that you know better; don’t box her into a corner where the only thing she feels she can do with her life is medicine without risking your disapproval; don’t enable her feelings of passivity or weakness.</p>