<p>wegotin: she has tons of friends and she is a social butterfly. she has travelled extensively within the US and internationally without us and have attended an 18 day summer camp last year where cell phones (or any other electronics, for that matter) were not allowed … and she didn’t have any problem. It’s just that when she is around us, she refuses to make decisions or taking responsibility. Another example: I bought a car for her (old used car) without telling her when she turned 15-1/2. I thought like all of her friends who were eager to learn to drive and couldn’t wait to get their learner’s permit as soon as they turn 15-1/2, she too will be excited. I thought I will give her a surprise. Well, it was me who got the surprise instead. She was not interested in learning to drive or to get her permit. Her reason: I have 3 APs to study for, I don’t have time for this. Valid reason, I suppose … can’t argue there. After getting parking tickets upon parking tickets on street cleaning days, I finally sold the car a year later. But she is now 17 and have still not shown any desire to get her license. My take on this: why would she take on a headache if she is getting a chauffeur driven car (me, that is) to take her everywhere she needs to go.</p>
<p>Just a note…the title of this thread asks how to choose a college FOR a student. It implies that the parents are making this choice. I hope that isn’t the case. Let this student pick from her wonderful list of acceptances. I don’t think it matters whether you are 3 miles away or 3000 miles away with regards to independence.</p>
<p>Yankee…You sound like a great mom, who knows deep down that the biggest changes have to come from you.</p>
<p>I haven’t read a thing on this thread except the title, but it says a lot! OK, I’ll go back now.</p>
<p>Regarding career choice: it is better for someone like her to gain a little experience first before committing to a career. Medicine takes initiative and passion, so it is a decision that she will have to make. She cannot be pressure into a direction. Let her explore. It is better to lose a year exploring options than graduating and finding out it was the wrong choice of career. It is hard as a parent to see that our kids are undecided when we look at others that are ready to choose their sub-specialty at age 18. Don’t compare, after all to each his own.</p>
<p>Agree with several on here, that going far away would be setting her up for failure. Let her go to USC, if that’s what she wants, live on campus and let yourself be less available to “help” her. I also like the idea of therapy for you. Good luck.</p>
<p>I think therapy for both mom and daughter would be a good idea-both separately and together, so they can both learn how to cut the cord. And I would leave the decision about where to go to college up to the DAUGHTER, not the parents, as well as the decision about WHAT to study. Wherever she goes, she’s going to have to learn to be a grown up, and she needs to start practicing NOW. It sounds like there’s too much interdependence for that to happen if the family tries to do it for themselves. </p>
<p>If I had a doctor who got there because that’s what mommy and daddy chose for her, I’d ask for someone else. I would want a doctor who chose it out of sincere interest and ability. Surely this near-adult has SOME idea what she is capable of. Lots of work to be done. Good luck.</p>
<p>I have dealt with this, with a daughter whose extensive medical issues made independence a more complicated issue. Still, I think that experience can be extended to others dealing with dependence for different reasons. I assure you that over the 4 years of college she has become as independent as anyone, and you could not have predicted that in high school.</p>
<p>Let it happen, trust that it will happen, but don’t get in the way yourself: you may need to make conscious efforts in that direction, but don’t be hard on yourself or her. It is like a dance, and as long as you really WANT her to grow up, you cannot prevent it and she will gain independence, but not in a linear manner. Things may be difficult at times: that is how people grow. Encourage her to talk to a counselor or other adult too, to build connections outside of your relationship.</p>
<p>The suggestion above to make yourself a little less available over time, is a good one, but I would not rush into any changes while your daughter is in transition. She may regress and be even more dependent before she actually leaves. Don’t worry about this too much.</p>
<p>Another good suggestion above is to find things to do yourself, and your daughter can sense these new directions and see you differently, as a person in your own right rather than just a resource for her. This could be a new part-time job, a new hobby, a new social activity, whatever. For instance, I have been studying Tai Chi these last few years, and went back to school part time. My kids are very supportive and are considerate now: if they need something, they don’t just ask, they ask if it is possible or convenient for me. If you need a therapist to help with this, find one.</p>
<p>I think your daughter should choose whatever school is best for her that you can afford. Sometimes independence is easier to develop, paradoxically, closer to home. My son didn’t want to go to a school more than 90 minutes from home. He came home a lot, then didn’t. He now lives on the opposite coast and is very independent. I know kids who came home every weekend freshman year, and they are doing fine with independence now. I also know kids who went away to college and came home and have flourished too. Be flexible.</p>
<p>So I would allow the interactions that she needs for the next year or two and wean her -and, more importantly- yourself, gradually over time. The last thing she needs is a drastic change in your relationship while making these big changes in her life. All students need support, and most that I know talk daily with their parents. But work on your attitude and ability to let her go and she will do the same.</p>
<p>Your daughter sounds bright and hard-working. Encourage her to make the decision about where to go but don’t cut her off emotionally. I would think closer is better and that going across country might mean she comes home. But if she wants to go, let her. Nothing is irrevocable and she can always transfer.</p>
<p>p.s. I agree with the poster above that the most concerning thing is that you are picking a major for your daughter. It is also way too early to be so focused on career goals, particularly medicine. Your daughter can go to college and explore for a semester or two. Be aware that you can go to medical school with any major. What is your daughter interested in learning about? Career goals may change 20 times, and her major may change also as she tries to “find” herself. The kind of early pressure to figure out her life’s work is misguided and doesn’t reflect the realities of the work world, and is potentially destructive in that you are already asking her to follow your blueprint, and not her own. Encourage her to be open and free in terms of what she studies, and tell her she will find herself by exploring, unless she, herself, has a strong interest in biology. And if she does, maybe she will be interested in sustainability, or working with animals, or research- let her figure it out.</p>
<p>I also noticed the title of the thread. </p>
<p>I think you both need to start taking baby steps towards D’s independence, having her make decisions on her own but with “training wheels” - send her to the store to purchase a cardigan “suitable for fancy dinner” or something, give her a price range, and let her take full responsibility for the decision. (I’m assuming she already has the basic skills needed to survive on campus, like doing laundry etc.) At the same time, Mom needs to learn to bite her tongue - when the kid calls in a panic from the store because she wants input about the cardigan, Mom needs to commit to saying something neutral like “Tell me what you like about each choice.”</p>
<p>I don’t think therapy sounds necessary at all. The daughter (nor mother) doesn’t have a disorder or mental health issues. She’s just an easy-going teen who needs to learn some decision making skills and to feel more confident about those decisions. That’ll come with practise.</p>
<p>The mother isn’t choosing her daughter’s career, she’s guiding her based on her knowledge of her daughter’s talents, interests and aptitudes. I could tell that my son was headed towards engineering before he could.</p>
<p>Yes, the daughter needs to take ownership of that plan and to feel comfortable saying, “You know, I really think that I’d prefer journalism.”, if that’s what she comes to decide.</p>
<p>But this isn’t a pathology! Some children insist from a young age on making every single decision themselves (I have a toddler like that!). And some are content to let others guide the ship. The first group needs to learn the art of compromise and the second the skills of decision making.</p>
<p>Does (or did) the mother over reacts when the other choose something different? It might be a learned behavior. With time is better to choose your way so I do not have to hear this or that. If she did not want a car, why buy one? If it was because she HAD to go to school in that car then she HAD to go to school in that car. Many times we want to follow other people’s behavior but we forget our own behavior. People picked up something here that the OP did not. The title of the post. It should have said how can I help my daughter be less dependent on us so she can pick her own career. Think about it. We are not bashing you. We are just trying to say that for every action there is a reaction.and that can also be one of the reasons why she acts the way she does.</p>
<p>wegotin: the car was not meant to be HER car. At 15-1/2 she was too young to have a car, or even be driving a car without an adult present. It was meant to be used for ‘learning to drive’ purpose and for practicing, as both our family cars at the time were unsuitable for new driver. One was too new and the other was too big, a minivan. And don’t worry, I am not taking it as bashing. I am appreciating the fact that you and other people are so generous with their time … and I have picked up some really good suggestions.</p>
<p>Yankeedoodles - your D and my S are very similar. I wondered the same thing - is it better for him to go far and HAVE to be independent, or is it better for him to stay close and ease into it? I still don’t know the answer, and S has been at college for months now! </p>
<p>He does still depend on us for quite a bit, but he is also starting to learn things on his own. It’s kind of like going away to college with training wheels on!! :)</p>
<p>I don’t know if it’s good or bad, but I do love having him close. He’s not one to stray far away from home (at least for now). He’s really unprepared for the world, so we’re trying to give him the skills now by pushing him more. Still, he can be rather complacent about taking the bull by the horns and venturing out on his own to do things. That driver’s license your D doesn’t want…yeah, we’re still waiting for S to get his, and he’s 19! But this summer he HAS to get it. It’s time!</p>
<p>He’s learned to take the train, which is great. Of course, he did panic when he ended up at the wrong station. We talked him down.</p>
<p>And he did learn what a bank card is for and how to use it. But we did have to drive him there because he forgot his PIN number and his credit card didn’t work. </p>
<p>So I’m kind of happy he’s local because I’m pretty sure that if we weren’t here helping him, he wouldn’t know what to do, and he probably wouldn’t try and learn on his own. He’s very sweet and very smart, but he’s also very na</p>
<p>“I don’t think therapy sounds necessary at all. The daughter (nor mother) doesn’t have a disorder or mental health issues. She’s just an easy-going teen who needs to learn some decision making skills and to feel more confident about those decisions. That’ll come with practise.”</p>
<p>Uh, therapy isn’t only for people with a mental disorder. It’s also for helping people sort out issues that need sorting out. A friend’s son went for therapy to help him deal with his remarriage and impending new sibling. My teenage D went with me when we were often at loggerheads when she was in high school. The therapist helped get my ex and I on the same page, and it made a world of difference. </p>
<p>Therapy can help with separation issues, anxiety issues, self-esteem issues, and even career decision issues. This student isn’t going to EVER become independent if she has no desire to make any of her own decisions and her parents are happy making them all for her-as has happened so far. An impartial therapist might be the prefect way to put a plan to her her move into independence into action.</p>
<p>You know what, Sseamom? You’re absolutely right. I misspoke and I apologize for that. I should know better because I’ve known loved ones who have benefited from talking things out with a helpful, impartial third party, like a therapist.</p>
<p>I guess I was seeing some responses as being more along the lines of “You both sound seriously messed up and need professional help asap!”. To me, the OP and daughter sound well within the realm of “normal” but with some skills needed to be learned. Since the OP is so aware of the situation, she can probably work through this without professional help.</p>
<p>But far be it for me to discourage seeking the advice of an “outsider”. After all, that’s why I come here every day!</p>
<p>yankeedoodles - it’s not the point. the fact that you went and bought her a car - as opposed to saying, “Hey, sweetie, you’re nearing 16 - we should talk about your plans for driving - what do you think?” just reinforces her point of view that parents decide the course of action and she goes along. Indeed, saying no to the car may have indeed been an act of independence on her part. I know you meant well - trust me, I’ve been down this same path - but from her point of view, it may feel like just more reinforcement that the parents are the key drivers (no pun intended) of what will happen in her life.</p>
<p>Why can’t you just refuse to make decisions for her?</p>
<p>Our daughter didn’t even get herself out of bed in the morning and when she went off to her first (disastrous) semester of college, put it on her roommates to get her up. We began to work with an ADHD specialist (among others, after she had to take a leave and later restart) and the very first task the doctor took on was getting her to be responsible for getting herself up in the morning. It was fascinating but after years of her sleeping like the dead and having waking her up be an ordeal every day, it really was not all that difficult for her to learn to be responsible for herself. It was partly just a paradigm shift in her own mind/psyche. Working with a third party professional can be helpful in any circumstance, including relearning behaviors. No illness, no stigma, just objective guidance.</p>
<p>My (college) freshman S is similar–doesn’t like to decide/choose. The only thing he has no problem choosing is what to eat from a menu! Everything else, he is extremely passive, phlegmatic, (also high-functioning autistic/verbal communication problems). I have over the years tried to engage him in discussions of “reasonable alternatives,” and their “positives/negatives” to get him to “take ownership” of important decisions like where to go to college, what to major in, etc. but he pretty much just agrees with anything that seems reasonable and has no preference. He doesn’t take initiative or really WANT to do anything, but he will contentedly do what is suggested/seems to make sense. Didn’t want to drive, either–didn’t get his license until he was nearly 19 (he walked to school.) Now that he is in college (about 8 hours away) and I am not a part of his daily life, he is slowly being forced to make decisions on his own. Separation is not an issue for either of us–we are both fine with the distance. Occasionally he calls and asks for help with something, but not as much as I would’ve thought, given his history. Distance doesn’t mean what it used to. You could be on the other side of the world and call/text/skype several times a day.
I have a 24 yo son who lives thousands of miles away, and he still asks for my advice–but never takes it! (He just likes to discuss things, I guess ;)) Our 22yo D never even tells us what she is up to–very independent personality. (I also have 4 younger kids–freshman son is not the baby/only/only son etc./no special attachment.) Point is, they’re all different.</p>
<p>IMO, it is fine for your daughter to go to USC for two very good reasons-- that it is the best school she got into and the best financial value for you. Don’t worry about how close or far it is.
Once she is out of the house and you aren’t involved in everyday decisions, she will grow up. I think some kids are just more passive/agreeable–it is their personality. Have you noticed a lot of couples where one partner is very decisive/has strong preferences and the other is cautious/content to go along? Funny how people match up this way. You might have this dynamic going with your D. Maybe she sees that you are decisive and she has given you the “job” of making decisions for her–because she trusts you and she just doesn’t care that much? or she feels overwhelmed by too many choices? Or maybe she is afraid of making the wrong decision; she wants to please you, so she knows you’ll be happiest with your own choice?–and if you’re happy, she’s happy?
I don’t see much of a “problem” here that a little time/age/experience won’t take care of.</p>
<p>very wise, atomom</p>
<p>I have a sibling like this. College time, mom and dad said “go here” so off the sib went. Mom and Dad said “major in engineering” so the sib did. Very shortly after college came marriage and now the spouse tells my sib what to do.My sib was very successful in college and successful in life in the job and financially. Some people are just followers and non decision makers. It’s just who they are. Aggravating at times, but it’s definitely a type of personality. Me, when mom or dad said “go left” I went right and when Dad said “go to XYZ” college I found the most opposite and the farthest away.</p>