How to select college for a kid who is too dependent upon parents?

Parents Forum
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<p>Eh. I have a little different take having been like her as a kid, and pretty competent now. It sounds like she has gone away to camps and things and functioned. I assume she’s also gone to restaurants without you and managed to eat. </p>

<p>To me this sounds more like your anxiety about her “leaving the nest” and being successful. Even the parents of the most independent kids worry about that. My bet is that if she lives on campus, even if it’s at USC she’s going to develop more independence. I think megpmom gave you good advice. Sounds like your D really wants to please you, so just make sure that she knows that you’ll support her whatever she chooses and try to back off on offering advice.</p>

<p>IOW what Atomom said.</p>

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<p>This is a great tread because as it develops one finds more and more useful information. My son wants to live in the dorms. The point is that we only live 15 min away from the college he chose and the room and board in a private university(as you all are aware) is pretty costly. We told him that we did not see the point since we had to wake him up every morning to go to school. Guess what?He started to wake up on his own. One day he had to catch a bus for a school trip at 4;00 am. He woke up and drove himself on time.</p>

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<p>*** FYI, I started this post hours ago but had to leave on an emergency. I returned and saw I never posted this. So I’ll do it now. I have no idea how the conversation may have changed, but here goes …</p>

<p>Village, this is what makes me think the parent could benefit from some therapy:</p>

<p>“Not that I want to push her away, I really would love for her to stay close to home (or even AT home) but I secretly wanted her to choose BU or Rutgers, primarily because they are far away and will force her to be become independent.”</p>

<p>Why would the parent want her to live at their home during college? On one hand, they’re thinking of sending dd across the country; on the other, going to USC could mean that the dd never have to leave her bedroom. OP doesn’t mention that money is an issue. I’m not saying that the parent (I assume it’s a mom writing?) has a severe mental disorder or anything, but it’s clear that even she sees that there’s an issue and is open to trying to solve it. I think a little therapy would help her a lot.</p>

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<p>They don’t want to accept the responsibility for their own lives in all areas but it is their obligation to do so. When my daughter was 18 there were many decisions which I said, I’m sorry honey, I’m not going to make that decision for you. I was just very matter-of-fact and pleasant, but I would not get drawn in to taking on the responsibility. I no longer had to shoulder the responsibility. It’s very freeing actually. And the sooner the change-over happens, the sooner your relationship will be between two respectful adults.</p>

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<p>I have to respectfully disagree with TigerDad. I have seen many parents send kids who need a little extra TLC off to distant schools and in many cases the teen does not flourish and winds up dropping out or struggling with depression. Or they cling to a romantic partner and become dependent on that person instead, and I’m sure that’s not what you want. It sounds like your daughter could benefit from a little more support by being closer to home. Not everyone is ready to be fully independent at 18. If she lives close to home but on campus she can have the best of both worlds.</p>

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<p>I also completely disagree with Tigerdad. Gotta ask, why would anyone think that sending a kid far away is the ONLY way to make them independent? Maybe Tigerdad isn’t a parent.</p>

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<p>I think it benefits kids to take a gap year. My kids were independent, but they both thought they would do better in college if they had a year after high school to develop hidden parts of themselves. They both applied to schools senior year (& were admitted to all their choices) Some schools allowed them to defer, others requested that they reapply.</p>

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<p>It’ll come.</p>

<p>My oldest d lives on campus 10 minutes from home. At first, we did the “stay on campus every weekend and get connected” but that randomly selected roommate? Not such a good match. D was home every weekend because the alternative was to be awoken by and then take care of drunken roommate. But, she found a new roommate and I don’t think she slept in her home bed again until summer.</p>

<p>D still seeks my opinion and likes my approval, even though I tell her she doesn’t need it. She has also had health issues, including a surgery this year. She’s probably moved away a little slower than some kids, but she has done so. Basically, what I’m saying is that this is a process. you can start it now, but you don’t need to insist that it’s completed by Labor Day.</p>

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<p>I hope you and she realize that:</p>

<p>a. It is not required to major in biology (or anything else in particular) to do pre-med. The pre-med courses can be taken alongside any major (unless the major has very large numbers of requirements).
b. There competition is fierce to get into medical school – many pre-meds give up the idea after a few B grades, and only half of those who make it to apply to medical school get even one acceptance (and medical schools are very expensive).
c. Biology majors have poor job and career prospects at the bachelor’s level.</p>

<p>If she is good at and enjoys something else, she may want to consider it instead of biology as a major. Majoring in biology makes no sense if the criteria for choosing include “a) pick a profession which will likely be in demand for ever, b) pays well”.</p>

<p>If she does not make it into medical school, she may be back in your house with her biology degree, dependent on you because she is more likely to have a hard time earning enough money to live on her own.</p>

50

<p>I see something a bit different happening. I have been guilty of this myself so I am not pointing fingers at the OP.</p>

<p>I hear a lot of perfectionism expressed in the OP’s attitude. The list of boxes that needed to be checked to choose a career made my head spin. There is intuition, too. My PhD in English seemed extremely foolish to my parents who thought I should be a lawyer, but I prevailed and have been working for 30 years in higher ed. Had I gone to law school I probably could not have raised a family and worked. </p>

<p>I went by passion, by Joseph Campbell’s idea, “follow your bliss.”</p>

<p>Practical thinking is fine, but there are very few sure things in our current society. Doctors don’t earn as much as pharmaceutical reps in some cases, or insurance execs. That doesn’t make it the wrong profession, just the wrong profession for some people. My kids are in grad school in the humanities. They are in funded programs, so although they’re poor, they are not taking loans and are earning their living expenses at a minimal level. If it doesn’t work out, they’ll do something else, but they’ll have added life skills and confidence.</p>

<p>I think it’s reasonable to reject driving if academics are driving a kid.</p>

<p>You are looking at the dependency as a lack of perfection, another problem to solve. Instead, take the anxiety level down a notch. It doesn’t really matter what a kid eats or who picks it.</p>

<p>Your D is performing well and has awesome college choices.</p>

<p>Any of them are fine, all for different reasons.</p>

<p>My kid went two hours away to NYC because Manhattan was always her dream. She also went to London for a year. She’s in Brooklyn most days now with her BF, but home some days. This rhythm worked for her.</p>

<p>My S went four hours away and learned to move himself by driving all his stuff. He packed each time. He usually came home ten hours later than he said he would because packing was overwhelming. But he did it. He didn’t go abroad. I was disappointed, but he’s not here to be perfect or live the perfect life.</p>

<p>When we started making his own decisions he screwed up a lot. He chose the wrong major. He chose the wrong girlfriend. He screwed up his GPA. Oh well. He learned. He said he’d fix all those things, and eventually he did.</p>

<p>I like Paul Simon’s idea: before you learn to fly you have to learn to fall. Learn how to fall.</p>

<p>Both you and your D are doing great. Just keep going and don’t worry so much about everything being perfect.</p>

<p>As anxiety reduces, your daughter will find decisions easier. A wrong decision is okay!</p>

<p>And it’s normal for kids to regress around their parents. You indicate she does well in other social settings. Something you’re doing is right!!! Brava to both of you.</p>

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<p>I am a huge believer in letting kids work through their own oopsies, wrong decisions and failures…it builds strength. Fear of failure or fear of making a wrong decision can hold a person back from greater things.</p>

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<p>Op - you had said your d wouldn’t even make a decision about what to order and you would make it for her.</p>

<p>The obvious question to ask yourself is - you know, of course, that you could have closed your mouth and said - take your time, honey, we will wait - and refuse to choose for her. Why didn’t you do that? What feelings does that stir up in you that you tamp down by making the decision vs forcing her to?</p>

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<p>I have a son that wants to stay close to mom also. Iam doing everything possible to encourage him to look at every choice. I don’t want anyone including my husband to say this was my fault. </p>

<p>I am trying to teach him that we don’t NEED each other. Even though I love to be home when he is home, I force myself to leave even if I could do it at another time. Last night he had some downtime at home. I went out for dinner and shopping. ( I could have done it while he was at work) </p>

<p>I make him do things by himself even though he resists, he drove himself to the dentist and handled getting a new debit card when he lost it. When he got a job, it was the best thing for me because I stayed out of it. </p>

<p>Sometimes I even hang out in my bedroom so I’m not so available. You need to take baby steps with your daughter. Give her tools and support and then step back</p>

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<p>You’ve received a lot of good advice here. I just have a couple of things to add from my own experience. </p>

<p>At my first job after college, every time I had a challenge, I would go ask my boss. First thing he’d say is, “What do YOU think the answer/solution is?” Then I’d talk out my decision and rationale. Usually I was right, and that built confidence in my own decision-making ability. Otherwise, he’d point out other issues. I’ve used this technique with my kids. It’s one strategy that you can incorporate. As others have said, you have to start somewhere.</p>

<p>I understand the closeness and the control issues with kids, and it’s been a process to let go and let them make their own decisions. But I never had the extreme situation you’re in now. Some have suggested therapy and, based on my own experience, it is helpful in learning to let go of control (whether it’s with a child, a spouse, other family members). It helps you see the situation that you’ve created and why, and learn strategies to extricate yourself from that center position - which only enhances relationships and, in the case of your kids, can help them grow up to become happy, independent adults.</p>

<p>When they make decisions that you wouldn’t agree with, see what happens. You will be pleasantly surprised when everything works out ok. Perhaps not as you thought it would, but it was ok. And if they make a mistake, it’s a learning experience for them to dig out of it. If you foresee an issue that is dangerous, I would speak up. But only then.</p>

<p>Selecting a college is a big decision for a teen, but they are capable of evaluating their needs/desires in conjunction with your financial guidance. Ask HER where she wants to go. Have her talk it out. Do not give your opinion. What does she THINK she wants to study? (That doesn’t have to be decided now!). Above all, she should pursue what makes HER happy since she will have to wake up and do it every day (and there’s no way of knowing right now what job/field will still be applicable in 10 years).</p>

<p>I’m sorry that you left this issue till now, but it’s good that you recognize it, have posted here and, hopefully, will take some of the advice offered by other parents. Good luck.</p>

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<p>There is a wonderful book “Letting Go”. You should get a copy of this and read it. Actually I think it’s a good read for the parents of all first time college students.</p>

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<p>Doesn’t it seem contradictory to want a kid to make his/her own decisions and then push for him/her to go away? Then isn’t it mom’s decision all over again?</p>

<p>Perhaps the process is more important than the outcome.</p>

<p>It’s hard to stay out of their lives, but the more we do it, the easier it gets.</p>

<p>I have been right about many things and watched the kids stumble and make mistakes because I held back or they didn’t listen to me. The great thing about this is that they got stronger. It’s a paradox of life that losses and mistakes often make us stronger than gains and wins, not that we wish them on our kids.</p>

<p>And I have often been wrong while they’re right. I am not a tuned into their futures as they are.</p>

<p>So, if your kid wants to stay close, shouldn’t you let him/her without pressure?</p>

<p>Neither of my kids wanted to look west of western Mass. I used to say west of the Hudson until I realized that S’s school was slightly west of the Hudson. From my pressure, one did apply to U of Chicago, was accepted, but then didn’t even go to see it.</p>

<p>Their opinion was that there are so many wonderful schools in NY, MA, CT, VT, ME why would should they venture out?</p>

<p>They wanted to stay close to family, have their parents see their performances, come home when they wanted to and avoid planes. </p>

<p>Each had a great experience in college and managed to keep connections to high school friends and family. One spent a year in London, so it wasn’t fear that was motivating this decision but desire.</p>

<p>I think it’s great if kids want to go to school on the other side of the country, but if they don’t, I don’t really think it’s an issue parents need to be involved with. JMHO.</p>

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<p>I second the suggestion of the book “Letting Go.” Helped me a lot when S went off to college (a mere 60 miles away!)</p>

<p>Like the OP’s, my D also tends to rely too much on H and me to make mundane decisions for her, but she has demonstrated growth in this area in the past year or two. </p>

<p>We helped her research and make a college list that included a variety of schools, without paying much attention to distance from home. Now that she has to make a final decision, it’s come down to a college on the other coast or one a 2-hr flight away. We’re very close, and several of my friends have said that they can’t imagine her choosing to go so far away for school. We’ve been waiting patiently while she’s supposedly weighing the choice of college A or college B. The somewhat scary idea of being far away and her tendency for indecision are definitely getting in her way. I think she’ll be fine at either, and that getting a little distance from home will enhance her budding independence. She’d like to study abroad, too, so I think of moving to a new part of the US as preparation for that.</p>