<p>Here is my story. My dd (raising sophmore) wants to go to an Ivy for grad school. Ivy because they have the best programs in her field. Currently she’s in a top undergrad program in her field (amont the top 4) and it’s not an Ivy. Every time, we talk about something she needs to improve, she just brush me off. She doesn’t listen and gets bothered. This time I really want her to listen to me. I’d like to talk to her about her efforts to get the grades she needs to get into a top grad school. She’s in a very demanding field, so I know she really needs to have a plan/discipline to do well. And, she needs to start with her game plan now and not when she’s a senior. I also want to talk to her about believing in herself since sometimes she gets a little insecure. I really want to have a conversation with her about her grad school plans, but how do I talk to her so she listens to me? any advice?</p>
<p>Is DD a sophomore in college?</p>
<p>If so, then maybe you should try to back off just a bit: Sounds like she’s tuning you out because she thinks you’re nagging her. Suggest that your D have a long chat with her academic adviser about her grad school plans and what it will take to get into an Ivy grad program. If she’s not close to her adviser, she should talk with a professor in her major department with whom she has a good relation. If she doesn’t yet feel comfortable talking to her major professors, you could * gently * remind her that for <em>any</em> graduate program, she will need quality letters from her professors that make it clear the professor knows and respects her and her abilities.</p>
<p>robinsuesanders, you got it. she thinks i’m nagging her. yes, she’ll be a sophomore in college.
“you could gently remind her that for <em>any</em> graduate program, she will need quality letters from her professors that make it clear the professor knows and respects her and her abilities” my dilema. I’ve tried different ways to talk to her, but as soon as I mention something related to her education (undergrad or future plans for grad school) she just doens’t want to listen or keep talking to me. So I’m trying to find a way that would make her think about it.</p>
<p>Give her a little time to focus on undergrad. She’s only completed one year of undergrad.
Let her focus and enjoy the moment for now. Stop nagging. </p>
<p>For now, loosen the reigns and let her take charge of her own plans. Gently remind her to discuss her future plans with her academic advisor and then back off for a while.</p>
<p>How do I talk to her so she listens to me? - You Can’t, until she wants to. </p>
<p>Perhaps you could suggest a consultation with a college planner who specializes in grad school (if her Adviser is not connecting with her). Liked the professor idea above too…</p>
<p>Mom,</p>
<p>nysmile is right: You need to quit the nagging (at least for a while).</p>
<p>Tell your D to talk to her adviser or her favorite major professor when she gets back to school and then back off for at least the rest of the summer.</p>
<p>And for your own peace of mind: Graduate programs in a particular discipline typically care most about what the student does in her junior and senior year and in her major, unlike law or med schools. And if she doesn’t make it into an Ivy grad program, it’s not the end of the world: The vast majority of college professors don’t hold Ivy league PhD’s. So give your D some time to connect with a professor or two during her sophomore year and try not to initiate conversations about her grad school plans for a while.</p>
<p>Nysmile and ncmentor, thanks for the advice. I guess is time for me to let go. I’ll tell her to talk to her academic advisor or a professor she trusts.</p>
<p>I some times have problems to speak to my DD relate to her college choices and such. So, I let her talk to her GC and get her infor from GC, instead of getting it from her.</p>
<p>I think words come out of a third party is better than from you.</p>
<p>It sounds like she is getting the lay of the land…vis-a-vis your willingness to financially support her-or-vocalize what she has been thinking about but is not yet sure she wants to pursue. Her freshman year was filled with new experiences-conversations with other students about courses to take, major requirements and upper class men talking about their plans for after graduation.
You may wish to take a more relaxed approach, reassuring her you are there to hear her ideas, support her-either/or financially or emotionally. By letting her take the initiative, you empower her to make decisions even when you are not with her.
-APOL-a Mom</p>
<p>aliastoo, My oldest son will start grad school in a couple of weeks. He began focusing on his grad plans during his junior year. He talked with professors in his major, professors in his minor, and his academic advisor. He researched the experts in his area of interest and took notice of where they studied. He emailed professors from various grad programs and asked them questions. Surprisingly, many of them responded back with helpful answers and encouragement. Realizing that research and publications are important (almost essential) factors in the grad school application process, he also spent much of his junior year working on two independent research projects. One was accepted for publication during the Spring of his junior year. </p>
<p>He scheduled his GRE test for the summer before his senior year–took it twice before heading back to college for his senior year. He spent the summer before his senior year balancing working 40 hours in our retail store, working on another research project/manuscript, and maintaining a blog that he created which focused on the area of study that wished to pursue. By the end of the summer, he had his list of possible grad programs narrowed down. When he went back to college in the fall of his senior year, he started filling out the applications for grad school–complete with professor recommendations, transcripts, CV, SOP, official GRE test scores. He also paid for all of the applications himself—something that he wanted to do because he wanted to take control/ownership of the process. In addition, the independent research/manuscript he worked on during the summer was accepted for publication just before his applications went out so he was able to make note of two publications on his CV. </p>
<p>Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that if a kid really wants to pursue grad school, he/she needs to take control of the process. The process in of itself helps the student figure out if he/she is willing/able/dedicated enough to actually want to take the next step in academia.</p>
<p>Artloversplus, i don’t know what is about 3rd parties as you said it, but they our kids attention. </p>
<p>Apol, I really like your advice. Thanks for the heads up. I think is time to let be and learn on her own… I cannot let go completely but I’ll try.</p>
<p>Oh got myself into a new problem. I’m trying to hide so to speak from my dd and I realized a posted with my other screen name…oh well…hope she doesn’t peek into parents forum. Dd doesn’t like when I talk about her…</p>
<p>Nysmile, agree 100% with you. Dd needs to own the process. Besides, i cannot do much for her. She’s the one who needs to study and do whatever it takes to go to a top grad school. I can only give my emotional/ financial support. Thanks x the explanation. Did u son got into the grad school he wanted?</p>
<p>Yes 
He will be attending his #1 choice.</p>
<p>Nysmile, great! you must be very proud of him.</p>
<p>Sure, we’re proud of him (and his younger brother). The best part of this story is that he can honestly feel proud of himself. He did the work himself while we stood in the background.
By stepping back, we gave him the opportunity to claim the glory in his successes as well as the agony in his defeats. Isn’t this what parenting is all about?</p>
<p>Nysmile, I think the hardest thing x parent is stepping back as u said it. Or at least is x me. It is true. Our kids deserve the opportunity to be and do things by themselves. Thanks for sharing. And congratulations ton your son.</p>
<p>Maybe you could let your dear child know you are willing to help if needed/wanted. I always like it in a store if a staff person offers that but doesn’t hover. I don’t mean that grad school is like a retail store, but I hope you know what I mean. I was much more involved in undergrad application process (not writing the apps, but support services). I think grad school apps are a different story. Your young adult mostly needs to depend on self and college resources.</p>
<p>And it’s not the end of the world if grad school is not Ivy. I was accepted at an Ivy grad school and chose to attend a much less prestigious school.</p>
<p>I have not has as illustrious a career, but it has suited me. I am not competitive, and the dog-eat-dog world of high stakes academics would not make me happy.</p>
<p>I have earned a living college teaching.</p>
<p>If you DD is not uber competitive and doesn’t know she needs to squeeze out the highest grade in every single situation, she is probably not suited for an Ivy grad school.</p>
<p>This says nothing about her ability or potential, only comments on her temperament.</p>
<p>By this age parents can no longer supply the motivation. It is up to the student.</p>
<p>OP
I meant a thrid party. Some one in the counselor position that my dd listens to. I will tell the counselor my ideas and in turn s/he will pass my ideas to my dd.</p>
<p>My parents drove me nearly mad back in the day, asking about my plans for grad school, my future, etc. etc. etc. Only when they had finally given up or at least shut up about it, was I able to think things through on my own and decide on a plan for myself. When I did apply to grad school, and I got into my first choice, I was amazed at their nonchalance. Where were the fireworks and happydance? They said, “We always knew that you could do it.”</p>
<p>I know that you want to help, but really, my advice is to back off. If your daughter whines about her future, listen, be supportive, but don’t give her any solutions. She just wants to be heard and she wants her emotions validated. Tell her that you love her, that you have confidence in her, and that you are certain that this current horrible thing will pass, and that she will be able to figure out what to do. Then tell her what is happening in your life, that you love her, and that you’ll call again next week. Oh, and don’t forget to send money.</p>