“I always find these discussions eyeopening for the range of reactions to college kids and sexual intimacy. I just don’t see the issue. I know it is going on. I would think it strange if it wasn’t going on past a certain age and stage - it’s healthy. My kids are always welcome to bring their friends - romantic or not - home. I’m sure there has been sexual intimacy in my home by my kids but I’ve never been aware of it. They’re smart and mature enough to be discreet. It’s their business not mine”
Never have I agreed so much with a comment. Our daughter who is 22 just visited with her BF. We made clear they were welcome to stay together in her room but her twin bed was a no go for her. They slept in the basement. I don’t want to know about her sex life anymore than she wants to know about mine. It’s her business. I’m always stunned that people want to monitor their adult children’s lives in this way even if it is “ their house”. My parents didn’t do this to me so it’s just so outside of what I know.
When my S was living at home following his college graduation, his GF lived quite a ways from our house. I told him that she was welcome to stay overnight any time, but that I didn’t want them sleeping in the same room. I told him flat out why: I know my S well enough to know that if he could do whatever the heck he wanted in our house, he wouldn’t really see the need to leave. I said that many a young man has decided to get his act together in order to go off & live the way he wants to live. I didn’t want to deprive him of that.
I knew he might be with her in the middle of the night - and I didn’t care. I just needed him to have to sneak so it would be uncomfortable for him. And I was right … he got a better job so he could better afford to live on his own, and his GF got a place together. We went to our cottage that summer, and he was surprised that I put him & GF in a room together. I told him that he was no longer a man living as a boy in mom & dad’s house, so it wasn’t an issue anymore.
D, on the other hand, D had no interest in staying in the same room with her BF in our house or cottage - even after they were living together. She thought it was disrespectful. Now that they are married, they do stay in the same room when we go to our cottage together.
When I was a college student and went crosscountry & met my longtime live-in BF’s Dad and Grandma, separate rooms wasn’t good enough for them. They put my BF up at the next door neighbor’s! Then they all worked on me, old school style, on how to get him to marry me. We both found it all very amusing. And no, we didn’t end up married, we broke up not long after.
On the same trip, his mother gave us her own bed. Another relative gave us separate rooms and we snuck in some discreet midnight rambling.
OP, if S’s relationship is new, they probably have no expectation of being put in a bedroom together at your house.
Actually, I disagree, @romanigypsyeyes. Some will but just like parents keep it on the down low, so will they. But adults should worry about what other adults are discreetly doing.
When D was first with her BF My h was not comfortable with them sleeping in the same room. He is very traditional and quite frankly , he probably had trouble with his daughter with a guy. They live together now and have been together 6 years and he has softened his view.
DS1 and his girlfriend had been together for about five months when he stopped over to stay with her family on way home that December (west coast school, midwest girlfriend, east coast home). Her parents bunked him down with her brother. Girlfriend had several younger siblings, and that arrangement was the most respectful of their comfort.
When girlfriend and / or DIL stay here, they are in the same room as boyfriend / husband. We just asked what their preferences were, and that was their choice. Both sons were seriously involved with their partners by the time of their first visits here.
As another aspect of hosting, we skyped with DIL’s parents before the first time she stayed with us so they could “meet” us. DS2 walked the laptop around the house, introducing them to DS1 and showing them things like the fire extinguishers “so they’ll know we’re not creepy and that the house is safe.”
If she was staying with you why are you meeting at a restaurant? it doesn’t make sense. I would think if she was staying with you that he would bring her to your house to meet you.
Interesting, and more than a little shocking to me, that some younger posters think it’s natural to abstain in your parents’ home. Sometimes I think our generation really did have all the fun.
I’d just say. that’s great can’t wait to meet her. Honestly, I’d find a spot. That said, I do have rules in my house. One cannot sleep wherever one likes regardless of the “other arrangements” people have elsewhere. When friends come we have a couple of guest rooms so we tell people where they’ll be sleeping. If they didn’t say anything, we’d just force the issue by telling them where they will be sleeping. Sometimes people make assumptions in their favor and I am not cool with that at all. If it’s my relatives I say something. If it’s my spouse then its out of my hands. Since it’s your son, I’d let him tell you what he wants then talk about it.
I would always be able to make room for one more. You honestly never know who will be part of your future family.
Meeting at a local restraunt doesn’t scream she is staying over but… Ask the question…
Let her stay with whatever rules make you comfortable.
When my girlfriend, now my wife of 31 years, stayed over in my basement bedroom room… I asked my mother if she could come over for breakfast. She said yes. Then, my then girlfriend came up from the basement… At first my mother was mad but after 10 minutes we were all laughing about it.
Whomever your kids are friends with make them feel comfortable even if your not. This is all part of their growth of becoming an adult.
I got the sense from the original post that she is not from the area (hence the possibility that she needs a place to stay). OP, we can’t wait to hear the details once you know more!
^not at night but maybe in the shower or when they are making dinner downstairs.
Just saying…
early 1970’s…
I ended up loving his parents and sister more that him
@doschicos fine, the vast majority of young people won’t - especially when they know their parents are disapproving.
I’ve still never had and would never have sex in my in-laws’ house even though we’ve been married for several years and are actively trying to get pregnant. Nope, no way. I can feel the disapproval peering at me through the walls
Kid’s friends, male or female, dating or not, are welcome anytime and all the time at our house. I want them to want to come home and always feel comfortable doing so with anyone that is part of their life. Will make room whether sleeping together in a room, separately on a couch, on the floor or wherever. I always wanted to be Glenn Close in “The Big Chill” and have enough blankets in the closet for a gang of people to just show up and be comfortable (and yes, I have way too much bedding). (Didn’t want to be the Glenn Close that boils the rabbit.) In terms of sleeping arrangements, I would be asking my S what they are comfortable with - it would be a frank and honest discussion. If they are sleeping together at school all the time, then so it goes. I actually wouldn’t hesitate to ask them together where the relationship is (if I didn’t already know) and what they were thinking would happen sleeping wise - and I would (and have) asked the girl what she is most comfortable with it or if her parents would be ok if they share a room at our house - but I am one of those “put it all out there types” and my kids and their friends get that right away. Might get embarrassing sometimes, but tough, if they are acting like adults, they have to discuss things like adults.
