How would you deal with this?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My parents are divorced and have been for the majority of my life. Graduation is coming up and I’m trying to be in as much denial as I can, but, I can’t deny it, my anxiety levels are rising. I live with my mom and my father lives in another state. I haven’t seen him in about two or three years. I have other siblings who are also graduating along with me. Our graduations span over three weeks in the same month. </p>

<p>My siblings and I have never had the best relationship with him. It’s been hard and some of my siblings have moved past it, but they’re older. I’m the youngest and have not come to terms with the events that happened in my childhood and, to be honest, I don’t want to right now. I don’t want to deal with it. He’s proven time and time again that our best interest isn’t his priority. </p>

<p>The reason I am so anxious is because for the past year there has been ongoing debates over various topics between my father and my family. I don’t want anything to spur up during the time he is down here. I want to be able to look back at my last month of school and think of all the great things that had happened. Not of how my father went off about me hanging out with my friends or got offended that I needed to study fort AP exams. If he were to start something, I have no doubt in my mind that I would grow to resent him even more. </p>

<p>I’ve come to you guys because I want to get an adult perspective on this. How would you go about letting your children set boundaries for your ex-spouse while he or she visits your children? How would you feel if your child didnt necessarily want to be around his or her father? Do you have any tips or advice to give me to make these upcoming three weeks as smooth running as possible?</p>

<p>My mother has promised to be on her best behavior. She says she is committed to making this experience a good one, but my father is a wild card. Several family members are coming in for my graduation, some of which he has sour relations. I’m just extremely anxious about how May is going to turn out. </p>

<p>Any help is appreciated. :)</p>

2

<p>“How would you go about letting your children set boundaries for your ex-spouse while he or she visits your children?”</p>

<p>In my opinion, you are old enough to decide whether you want a relationship with your father and what kind of relationship it should be. I would not force a teenage child to see the other parent unless it was court-ordered, or at the bedside of a sibling or grandparent. That said, you are also old enough to learn to let his nagging or unwelcome advice roll off of you (I’m assuming that we’re not talking about abuse). If you have to see him, or if it means a lot to your mother or other relatives to have him around, just try to be civil during your interactions and then blow off steam to a trusted friend later. You know that nothing you do will change him, so you have to change your own actions if you want to avoid pointless friction and focus on other things during May.</p>

3

<p>Write your father a letter. In handwriting. And mail it to him. Sometimes this personal touch is so very touching. Just tell him how you feel about the upcoming graduation and how you need to do certain things during the time he is visiting and perhaps you could have dinner together one night just the two of you. That way he’ll be forewarned that you have tests to study for and friends to hang out with and he (hopefully) won’t be offended. Then you could also say something about the other relatives who are likely to be present and ask him to please be civil for your sake because it is an important day for you.</p>

4

<p>You cannot control how others act or what they say. But you have absolute control over how you act and what you say. Focus on yourself, not on him and make it as pleasant as you possibly can.</p>

5

<p>I’ve been in your shoes, some 25 years ago. My mother is the one with whom I’m estranged and she would show up to school events and make me anxious.</p>

<p>Looking back now, I wish that I had cut off all contact with her. Like your father, she had proven time and again that I was not a priority for her. The only reason that she would come to events was to brag about being the mother of the star of the play or the captain of the drill team.</p>

<p>It took me decades to realize that we are not morally obligated to have any sort of relationship with a parent who abandons us. Cutting off all contact really is an option.</p>

<p>Some people have said, “But she’s your mothhhhherrr!”. I respond with “If this was a man who walked out on me, would you still insist that I maintain a relationship with him just because he periodically wants to see me?”. Of course not.</p>

<p>I’m so very sorry that you’re going through this. You got the shaft, my friend. It isn’t your fault and you deserve a father who is present and supportive. My best advice would be to use this pain to teach yourself how to be a better parent some day. That’s what I did and I’m happy to say that my children and I have a wonderful relationship. </p>

<p>Best wishes to you and congratulations on your achievements!!</p>

6

<p>I have divorced parents, and personally I think you do not owe your father much if you haven’t seen him in 2-3 years. If you don’t want to see him at all, I think that you are well within your rights to not see him. If you don’t want him at your graduation while other siblings want him at theirs, I think that is perfectly reasonable.</p>

<p>However, there may be reasons that you do want to maintain the relationship, in which case I recommend the following approach. </p>

<p>If your father says anything that you construe to be negative at all, you just need to laugh and say “you know you’re right, dad, I do blah blah blah blah blah”. And then, let the matter drop and DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU WERE GOING TO DO ANYWAY.</p>

<p>So for example.</p>

<p>Father: “Child, I can’t believe you are spending so much time studying for those AP exams. I’m only up here once every three years. You knew I was coming so why didn’t you study before.”
You: I KNOW! Can you believe how much I have to study . . .it’s pretty unbelievable. I’m sure some people don’t study as much for these things, but you know, I’m not THAT smart, otherwise I wouldn’t need to study this much."</p>

<p>Father: You are going out with your damn friends again. I can’t believe you are doing that when I’m here visiting.
Child: I know, I really am going out with them quite a bit. You’re right.</p>

<p>Then, still study for your APs or go out with your friends . . .just don’t argue about it. Recognize that these are not legitimate criticisms from someone who has stepped out of your life for 2-3 years . . .it’s just “noise” and attention seeking behavior that you are old enough to totally ignore.</p>

<p>The thing is you must say these responses in a totally serious and earnest tone - - NOT sarcastically. Try to smile when you say it. Like you totally agree with him that his observation is correct. This type of response is very disarming for people who PROD others just to get a rise out of them. If you don’t provide resistance to what they are saying, then there is nothing to fight against. It gets very boring, and they give up. </p>

<p>I know this from experience. I had a relative who always liked pointing out how she thought I was fat (which I’m not by any stretch of the imagination - - -I run marathons). And I would just laugh when she said it and say “yes, I know. Look at how big my butt is now. I really should go on a diet.” Then, I ate what I wanted, in front of her. She stopped.</p>

<p>If you are anxious to repair the relationship and/or improve it, then by all means make time for your dad, but if you aren’t, I don’t think you owe it to anyone else to extend yourself. I just recommend being pleasant and polite, and that’s it.</p>

7

<p>I don’t think that whether you “owe” your dad anything is the best way to look at it. Unless your dad is a very unusual dad, there is significant potential for him to evolve into someone who wants to be a part of your life again and to help you in various ways, possibly very important ways, in the years ahead. It would most likely be in your interest to help him evolve in that direction, and what you do in this upcoming situation could be critical.</p>

8

<p>Austinareadad, I can understand what you are saying. But it’s not the child’s job to raise the parent.</p>

9

<p>It’s his problem, not yours. </p>

<p>You can’t control his behavior. So don’t try. </p>

<p>My mom was an alcoholic. She made a fool of herself in public on a number of occasions that were really my occasions. For a while, I was embarrassed. But eventually, I realized that people were astute enough to realize that she was the one with the problem, not me. </p>

<p>You seem mature enough to understand the range of acceptable behaviors in a particular situation. If your dad stays within that range, be nice. There’s no reason not to. If he goes out of bounds, minimize your contact with him so you don’t have to put up with it. </p>

<p>

</p>

<p>You might want to try to let this idea go. If people put a lot of importance on a particular occasion or period of time, they tend to be disappointed. Huge numbers of people feel this way about prom, for example. They have high hopes for it, and it turns out to be ordinary or even unpleasant. And they’re so unhappy about it that they forget that they had a terrific time with their friends the weekend before prom and the weekend after prom. And those weekends are just as important as prom weekend.</p>

<p>The times before and after the time period that you’re concerned about are just as important in your life – and probably less stressful because your father won’t be around.</p>

10

<p>Your father’s not your custodial parent. You’ve not seen him in two or three years. Easy answer, and utterly rational decision: don’t invite him. Remember your mom’s done the work of raising you, not your father, and his actions speak volumes.</p>

<p>Plenty of divorced parents would commit the time to see their kids, even if they lived out-of-state, even if the kids aren’t so keen or seem aloof. You’re not your dad’s parent; you’re not responsible for his feelings. Best wishes.</p>

11

<p>In our area, the AP exams end well before the date of HS graduation. Why would your dad be there during your exam period? Does it overlap with the graduation times for your siblings? Would he expect to be hanging around for a couple of weeks, or would he be making several trips to be at all of the various graduation functions?</p>

<p>Even without your dad, if your sibs are graduating in the middle of AP exams, how are you planning to handle that extra level of chaos?</p>

<p>Draw out a calendar for that month, and think carefully about how all the various pieces fit together. If you have studying to do, it isn’t likely to be successful if you try doing it at home if your dad, sibs, and large numbers of other family/friends are going to be there because of the other graduation events. You will need to study at a friend’s place or at the library. So make sure that your mom and your sibs understand that your calendar, and the sibs’ calendars are not always going to be exactly the same because of the differences in your responsibilities at that time.</p>

12

<p>OP’s father could a horrible/irresponsible parent, but the fact he is traveling to see his kids graduate probably shows that he at least is trying to stay connected. There maybe a lot of history the father and mother that we do not know about. </p>

<p>I didn’t come from a divorced family, but my husband did. He also didn’t see his father often after his parents got divorced. His father didn’t pay for any of his schooling. But I did encourage him to get reconnected with his father again after we got married and had our own kids. They are not very close, but they have a cordial/respectful relationship. H’s father is very proud of our kids. He makes a point of sending birthday and holiday presents to our kids.</p>

<p>It is normal to feel nervous about seeing a parent you haven’t seen in a long time. You don’t owe him anything, but I think you would feel better if your relationship isn’t so strained with your father. You could write to your father before hand to let him know that your’ll be busy with your AP exams and many graduation events. It may make him feel better if you could set up a 1:1 get together with him - a lunch or dinner. Who knows, maybe you’ll like him better now that you are older. If it does’t turn out well then I would tune him out. As someone posted, you can’t control how he behaves, but you can control how you react to him.</p>

<p>Hope you a great graduation.</p>

13

<p>If some of the other graduations occur before yours, observe the behavior and interactions there, and if you see an issue, you can politely let him know (face to face, email?) how you are hoping your graduation will go, what memories you are looking forward to taking away from that weekend, and what will be helpful to make it a special, positive event.</p>

14

<p>I want to thank everyone for their posts. </p>

<p>My siblings and I planned to take him out to dinner, each write him a letter, and read it to him that night. During the weekend we were going to take him to the beach, the boardwalk mall and whatnot…but…</p>

<p>Crisis was averted. He’s not coming. :rolleyes:</p>

15

<p>Well, sad, but not surprising, and probably better all the way around. Sorry you are having to go through this. But, HAPPY GRADUATION!</p>

16

<p>It is for the better! This is a huge burden lifted from my shoulders to his. It’s not my fault.</p>