How would YOU effectively explain the disappearance of a [non-existent] girlfriend?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I’m guessing there is no ONE perfect way. Each college is probably different:</p>

<p>UCSB–surfing accident.
U of Wisconsin–she choked on a brat.
Ohio State–she said she was going to study at a library, and nobody seems to know where that is.
Smith–she eloped with her gender studies prof.
Holy Cross–she became a nun.
West Point–she got sent on a secret mission…I’d tell you where, but then I’d have to kill you.
Berkeley–she joined a cult.
Cornell–she fell into a gorge.
The College of New Jersey–she joined the mob.
Texas A&M–she became a rodeo clown.</p>

2

<p>“She dumped me for the real, live, actual, flesh-and-blood boy-next-door.”</p>

<p>(Works for any/all colleges.)</p>

3

<p>Dartmouth - went to a frat party and never came back out.
UC San Diego - attacked by mutant microbes in a genetic engineering experiment gone wrong.
BYU - went to France on her Mormon mission and “went native.”
UC Davis - run over by a herd of stampeding cattle while she was riding her bicycle in the rain.</p>

4

<p>Any college in Buffalo, Rochester, or Syracuse - she’s buried under a snowdrift.</p>

5

<p>UArizona – she’s lost in the desert.
UCBoulder – she went hiking in the flatirons
Boston schools – last time I saw her she was on the T (could work for many urban schools, substitute local mass transit)</p>

<p>Many schools – she went on study abroad and decided to stay there</p>

6

<p>These remind me of the song:</p>

<p>TRAIN - 50 WAYS TO SAY GOODBYE </p>

<p>She went down in an airplane
Fried getting sun tanned
Fell in a cement mixer full of quicksand
Help me, help me, I’m no good at goodbyes
She met a shark under water
Fell and no one caught her
I returned everything I ever bought her
Help me, help me, I’m all out of lies
She was caught in a mudslide
Eaten by a lion
Got run over by a crappy purple Scion
Help me, help me, I’m no good at goodbyes
She dried up in the desert
Drowned in the hot tub
Danced to death at an East Side nightclub
Help me, help me, I’m all out of lies
And ways to say you died</p>

7

<p>Ha ha Kiddie you beat me to it!</p>

8

<p>Tulane - “Girlfriend Got Run Over By A King Float” (same tune as Grandma got run over by a Reindeer)</p>

9

<p>U Texas - She went into the Perry Castaneda Library and couldn’t find her way out.</p>

10

<p>UCLA Film School
“And like that…she was gone…it’s a Keyser Soze thing…you wouldnt understand”</p>

11

<p>“Ohio State–she said she was going to study at a library, and nobody seems to know where that is.”</p>

<p>Oivoiv, this may have been true 30 years ago, but not today.</p>

12

<p>^^^^^Doesn’t matter, it’s all in fun anyway.</p>

13

<p>University of Oregon — She washed away in a rainstorm. </p>

<p>Portland State University — She put a bird on it and melted into Portlandia</p>

14

<p>I get that, Nrdsb4. I just think there are other jabs that would’ve been relevant that could’ve been used. ;)</p>

15

<p>These would seem to be locally plausible explanations:</p>

<p>Duke: She dropped out to work the bachelor party circuit with Crystal Mangum.
U of Kentucky: She attended school for one year, then went to the NBA.
U of Alabama: She was abducted by Brent Musburger.
U of Chicago: She was fun, so she died.
Georgetown: She inherited a billion dollars, so John Kerry married her.
NYU: She’s still around, but you can barely see her because she wears so much black.
Oberlin: She went to Woodstock.
U of Nebraska: She read “Bright Lights, Big City,” and moved to Omaha to find fame and fortune.
U of S. Carolina: She didn’t like the mascot, so she transferred to Oregon State.</p>

16

<p>She came down with Tufts syndrome. (Which everyone at Tufts will tell you doesn’t exist, but everyone else is sure does.)</p>

17

<p>“there are other jabs that would’ve been relevant that could’ve been used.”</p>

<p>Sorry SportsMama, is this more up to date?</p>

<p>Ohio State: The football team traded her for some tattoos.</p>

18

<p>I had a friend in college who made up fake boyfriends several times. Her usual story (and supposed reason why none of us ever met the men) was that they were married. In at least two of the instances, she “broke it off” because they wanted to leave their wives and get married. And she just wasn’t ready. </p>

<p>Yes, a troubled girl.</p>

19

<p>UCSC: Alien abduction</p>

20

<p>Iowa–got lost in a corn maze
Butler–Blue thought she was a bone and ate her
U of Minnesota–She’s frozen in one of the thousand lakes</p>