<p>I’ve posted many times before about the psycho-stalker-mom terrorizing my daughter for the last few years. I’ve always worked from the assumption that the daughter isn’t really to blame, but after the events of this past weekend, I need to re-think that and consider how, if at all, to handle the situation.</p>
<p>The girl had her eighteenth birthday over the weekend and chose to celebrate it by vandalizing my house and terrorizing my dog. I know this because I saw her with my own eyes. A couple of days later, one of the kids who was with her ratted her out, so it’s not hearsay. THere wasn’t much permanent damage, so I don’t really care about that. What I do care about is that the situation is escalating (again) and, as some of you remember, the mother assaulted my husband and attacked me physically. I could press criminal charges with the police, but I honestly don’t want to do that. I don’t think it’s serious enough to cause her that much trouble, but I have real reason to worry about my daughter’s safety. Leading up to this incident, the girl went to a lot of trouble to slander my daughter in school and do some very ugly things on Facebook. I know that because I’m one of those moms who check’s her kids’ online viewing fairly often. I left my D to handle the slander by providing documentation, but the school’s POV is that they can’t take sides and all kids are equal. Which is generally fine, but this isn’t the usual situation. There’s a long and verifiable history that the harassment is flowing in one direction. Believe me, my kid isn’t perfect, but we’ve been watching this situation so closely that she walks a wide path around the girl so as not to run afoul of me. The question is, should I inform her head of house what’s been going on so that she can keep an eye? I’m not sure what, if anything, to do other than make sure D isn’t out of the house alone. I don’t want to cause the girl harm because she’s a kid and we all make mistakes, but I don’t want my daughter’s last semester in school to be a misery. Thoughts?</p>
<p>Can you say, “restraining order”?
you say that the girl is a “kid” but in actuality, if a senior, and 18, she is not treated as such in the eyes of the law…</p>
<p>In some towns, the local police handle on-line harrassment apart from the school environment; somewhat like a cyber-sleuth taskforce…</p>
<p>Obviously, the vandalism of your house is a criminal act but it doesn’t look like youwant to go in that direction…</p>
<p>again, I ask, can you say “restraining order”?</p>
<p>I agree. You don’t have to press criminal charges to get a restraining order.</p>
<p>In addition, sometimes just the threat of criminal prosecution may be sufficient to get the family to back off - vandalism, destruction of property, trespass, defamation. That’s a pretty good list.</p>
<p>Zooser, when you say you feel your daughter is in danger and shouldn’t be out alone, it automatically makes it a police matter to me. They’ll probably just initially give her a warning which will be enough unless she’s a total psycho.</p>
It’s the mom who’s a total psycho. She is THAT crazy and I have reason to suspect that they’re about to be disappointed in the college admissions process.</p>
<p>zooser: if the abuse is going on at school, but not in actual class, the restraining order can apply to wherever you designate…and it can apply to both the kid and the psychomom…restraining orders can be designed for whatever is appropriate, including online activity…</p>
<p>I imagine that it could actually be written for the classroom environment as well…</p>
<p>If you haven’t already, make sure you document everything that happens. Do you have any type of security system at your home? We have neighbors whose car was stolen one night from their driveway. They have a security camera at their home now. It’s very unobtrusive. Most people wouldn’t know it’s there. Have you thought about something like this? If the girl vandalizes your home again you could have actual proof.</p>
<p>Maybe I’m reading too much into this situation, but it scares me. I would press charges against them before someone gets hurt. I agree with the restraining order too.</p>
We don’t have security but have decided to get a camera. My husband is concerned that next time they’ll try to set the house on fire. I don’t think they’re that crazy, but sometimes things get out of hand.</p>
<p>Your husband is concerned that next time they’ll try to set the house on fire?!!! Please, please press charges against these people or do whatever you have to to protect your family.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry, zooser. I’ve read your occasional comments about the situation but had no idea it was so egregious. It’s beyond generous of you not to want to create permanent trouble for this woman’s daughter. I do think, though, that police action is warranted, especially since you’re concerned for your own d’s safety.</p>
<p>I don’t know how strict or even public any police response has to be - this probably varies by location. As Chedva says, sometimes the threat of police action will result in a scaling back of harassment. Although, in the small town where I live, a woman complained about a neighbor who confronted her on her front porch in a dispute about a dog running loose. I was surprised that the police arrested the confrontational neighbor and charged her with misdemeanor harassment. It was written up in the local paper’s police blotter, there was a hearing date, and the woman had to pay a fine. I think the woman charged probably never would have gone over to yell at her neighbor if she’d realized she could be arrested for it. Then again, you don’t seem to be dealing with a rational bunch, so who knows if they’d think it through?</p>
<p>If police involvement is out of the question, is mediation a possibility? Again, this may be too rational for your d’s harasser. But it’s a way to work on resolving the situation without involving the police.</p>
<p>At the very least, I think the school head of house should be informed. Maybe if you and your d wrote a brief but documented outline of the harassing behavior over the years and mailed or gave it to the head of house, the school administration would be aware that this is an extreme situation.</p>
<p>ZM - Having faced situations where “all outcomes are dreary … but some are more dreary than others” I offer this insight. Until you decide what you WANT it will be very difficult to avoid what you DON’T WANT. I share your aversion to criminal charges, but here’s what I might want if I were in your situation. I would want psycho-mom and her daughter distanced from your family and your property. The list of practical measures to accomplish this is a long one … a letter to psych-mom from your lawyer (cc to the school Superintendent might sway his impartiality), an informal visit from the police if you can arrange that (“Officer, I couldn’t swear the vandalism was done by Psycho-Mom, but it did look like her”), or the afore-mentioned Restraining Order (with copy to the school Superintendent of course), etcetera. But focus on what you WANT. JMHO.</p>
That’s what I was thinking, and also that if it came directly from me it would take the “she-said/she’said” element out of it. I really don’t think the girl is dangerous, but the mother did assault my husband and he’s twice her size. I don’t rule anything out with her. I’m thinking of copying some of the Facebook stuff and speaking to the head of house just for background. Not sure she’ll care, though, but she might. Nice woman.</p>
<p>I feel very sorry for the girl. The mother is a mess on many levels and I think her daughter is the primary victim.</p>
<p>even though your daughter may love facebook, is there anyway to take her off and delete her…reason being…schools, adcoms and employers etc are checking facebook these days and even though she may be reasonable on her side, they may read the other girls comments and be left with questions.</p>
<p>My D’s Facebook is totally innocuous (she has an internship that’s made her something of a local public figure, so discretion was imperative). She’s not even friends with the girl on Facebook. I got the information about what was being posted from the parent of a girl who was concerned about what was being posted and thought we should know.</p>
<p>Zoosermom, I’m so sorry this is still going on! Do you mean that the school is unaware of the problem at all? Or just that the Head is unaware of the current activities?</p>
<p>I agree with most of the others: document everything (including getting inexpensive cameras on the house). Keep printouts of everything. Talk to the police now about what a restraining order might or might not be able to prevent. And most important, make sure the school knows!<br>
One thing to consider when deciding if you or your daughter talks to the Head - will they hear helicopter blades if a complaint comes first from a parent? (I don’t mean that’s what I hear, I’m asking if that’s what they will hear?) Depends on your D’s school, and on other parents’ past interactions…</p>
<p>After reading every post here, I want to add that I’m also concerned about your dog whom the girl “terrorized.”</p>
<p>I’m envisioning someone from next door tossing your dog some poisoned meat. </p>
<p>Do you have complete control over your dog’s outdoor time? In other words, do you walk on a leash or leave him/her chained or in a fenced yard for some outdoor time? Unless you always leash-walk your dog while this is still being resolved, I feel as though your dog is unprotected right now.</p>
<p>“I could press criminal charges with the police, but I honestly don’t want to do that.”</p>
<p>I think that you should press criminal charges. Not doing so probably is leading the girl to feel that you’re too afraid to press charges, and that may encourage her to escalate her actions.</p>
<p>By pressing charges, you’re also creating more documentation of her behavior.</p>
<p>Years ago, a high school student who was holding a grudge after being kicked out of my son’s sleepover after getting into a fight decided to take revenge by doing a variety of harassing things to us. At first, the harassment was just honking his horn when he passed our house, but it escalated to his spraypainting racist things on our windows. H called the police who interviewed the kid and his parents. The kid’s father swore that it couldn’t have been his son because, the father said, his son was home that evening. However, the harassment stopped.</p>
<p>Hugs to you, zoosermom! I second Northstarmom. The punks who terrorized our old neighborhood went unpunished for too long because no one wanted to call the cops (they are just boys being boys!) and report their actions. Their behavior kept escalating until they set one neighbor’s property on fire. Luckily, no one was hurt, but we were told that the kids would have ended up with a harsher sentence if there had been documentation of their previous property-destroying acts.</p>