<p>My DD is a junior in high school. A good kid, never gets in trouble, good grades. Her best friend is a year older (same grade) and is seriously dating a boy 2 years older, which seems reasonable. This boy has a friend that is 20, and my DD is trying to convince us that is is OK to go with him to the junior prom, double date, etc.</p>
<p>We don’t mind her having a wide group of friends of all ages, but we aren’t thrilled about one-on-one dating with such a big age difference (her 16 to his 20). We have explained it is not about the boy, it is our belief that a 4 year age difference is just too much, at this age. She is under 18 and we believe this is best for her. When she is 18 she can do what she wants.</p>
<p>She isn’t buying it, big surprise. We know that we can’t ‘make’ her do anything. If she wants to see him, she will find a way. We just don’t have to condone it, or do anything to encourage it.</p>
<p>Anyone else faced this situation before? Any advice?</p>
<p>It isn’t only the age difference IMO, but why would a young adult who has presumably moved on ( college-job) be interested in dating a high school kid unless they had “issues”?</p>
<p>This is true at some schools, but others allow students to invite a guest who is not a student at that school.</p>
<p>To get more on topic: A four-year age difference seems like at lot at this age, yet it might represent only two school years. Your daughter is in the younger half of her grade; her friend who is in the same grade is 17. And with the trend for boys to start kindergarten a year late, it’s possible that the guy your daughter wants to date is only ahead of her by two school years (that is, he’s a college freshman). </p>
<p>If this is the case, perhaps the two-school-year difference is more important than the four-chronological-year difference. A college freshman dating a high school junior is not all that weird.</p>
<p>What 20 year old guy wants to go to the junior prom?</p>
<p>Other than sex, why would a guy who is old enough to be a sophomore or junior in college want to go out with an 11th grader? </p>
<p>Those are red flags, right there.</p>
<p>When I was in high school, albeit 40 years ago, my mother didn’t like my girlfriend, and forbid me to go to the prom. And she refused to give me the money that was needed to go to the prom.</p>
<p>I listened to her, because back in the olden days, kids actually listened to their parents, right or wrong. Or at least I did. It was unthinkable to disobey your parents.</p>
<p>It is simply not a healthy situation for a junior in high school to be going out with a 20 year old guy. </p>
<p>I am wondering if perhaps the school itself might forbid hims attending the prom.</p>
<p>But even if she doesn’t go to the prom with him, there is not a lot you can do from a practical standpoint to prevent her from seeing him. Other than assigning a full time bodyguard to her. I would showher the messages you are sure to get on CC that agree with your position. If you want, you could play hardball, and say that she should not expect your financial support if she continues on this road. But of course, that could backfire.</p>
<p>She should be taking baby steps in the dating game. With a boy her own age. Not skipping four years of what should be a slow evolvement into womanhood, and jumping ahead to being with an adult male.</p>
<p>About three years ago my S had a classmate – both of the boys were Juniors in High school.
The boy was dating a woman (notice “boy” and “woman”) in college and who was 3 years older than he.
I knew both families. I thought it odd. I thought less of the women and thought she must have something seriously wrong with her- immaturity to need to establish an emotional connection with someone so far behind her age. </p>
<p>Ditto- your D may be able to handle a 20 year old- but he’s independent and doesn’t live by his parents’ rules. He should not have an interest in a 16 year old girl for any reason other than sex. His college is filled with women who are over the statutory age limitation (which varies by state).</p>
<p>She’s likely infatuated and flattered-- her otherwise intelligence being masked by the love-bug.</p>
<p>That said- sadly there’s nothing you can do short of going on Craigslist and hiring an anonymous stalker to attend the event an monitor . (You know you cannot do that). The more you push- the more she’s going to resist and do it.
Let it go- she’ll have her fling- and move on. It’s only a problem if the grades drop or she gets an STD. So why not discuss safe sex - it’s better than not discussing it at all.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s fair to assume he wants sex. After all, his friend is dating your DD’s friend and this would be a double date. She will find a way to do what she will, despite what you may tell her.</p>
<p>I still think it’s important to find out what “grade” this guy is in in school (if he is a student).</p>
<p>Young people tend to think of themselves more in terms of their school year than their chronological age. If he’s a college junior or senior, it would be weird for him to be dating a high school junior. If he’s a college freshman (or maybe even a sophomore), not so much. </p>
<p>As for why he would want to go to a junior prom, he probably doesn’t. He’s probably doing it as a favor to his friends who want to double date with another couple for the event.</p>
<p>Wow… I have a 16yo daughter and if a guy who is 4 years her senior LOOKED at my daughter, even thought about dating her… I would let him know that I am a crazy mother lion who would have NO qualms about disemboweling him… or ripping his heart of his chest with my bare hands!! …its on my bucket list and I would love to practice on him! I would also let him know that he WILL be placed on the sex offender list because she is a minor…and if a 16yo girl is worth being labeled a sex offender for the rest of his life… there is NO WAY that it would be appropriate that he would want to date her… the only reason… to have sex with her! Any young man who has been raised by humans(and not cretons) will think that this is wrong! So tell her that he only wants sex… he wants to deflower her! My son is 20 and has always dated girls his own age… </p>
<p>Lets do the math… he graduated in 2009… she will graduate in 2013… so while she was finishing up 8th grade… he was graduating from high school… is my math correct? This is gross…</p>
<p>I have told my daughter that she has enough time for boys/dating… and now is the time to foritfy her mind… and not think about relationships/sex/heart break etc… dating is a huge distraction!</p>
<p>So if an older guy has sex with your 16-year-old daughter, NewHavenCTmom, he’s not committing a sex offense. They may be doing something you strongly disapprove of, but he’s not breaking the law.</p>
<p>The age difference is too great, but you could invite him over for dinner as a chance to get to know him better. That might show your daughter that you are “trying” somewhat and would give you a better idea of who he is. </p>
<p>But honestly, I would say no, he is too old for you and “not happening”.</p>
<p>Then he would be without a heart or his intestines… there is NO way that I would allow my daughter to be violated by a MAN 4 years older… that is a HUGE difference in life experiences… he can vote, go off to war… he is almost old enough to drink… he has probably had sex… on numerous occasions… and wants more of it… I have seen too many cases where the girl gets her heart broken by the older guy who has lived…or a girl getting herself pregnant…by an older guy… another reason why a guy might be interested… is because he knows he is older/more mature/wants to control… HECK NO!</p>
<p>I’m still not sure it’s inappropriate. It might be, but then again, depending on the individuals, it might not.</p>
<p>I’m playing devil’s advocate here because I lost my virginity at 17 to a guy who was 20. It was his first time, too. Nobody “violated” anyone else; everything we did was by mutual consent, and I didn’t feel pressured to do anything I didn’t want to do. He was two years ahead of me in school, and we had been dating for several months. Nobody in either of our families made any fuss about our ages when we started dating. And we didn’t think it was any big deal, either. We were the only two nerdy types among a group of young people who had summer jobs in a seasonal business. It probably would have been considered weird if we didn’t date each other, given that we had so much in common (and almost nothing in common with the rest of the kids).</p>
<p>Does one more year’s difference in age matter that much? Would our families have gone ballistic if he was 21 instead of 20 or I was 16 instead of 17? We will never know. </p>
<p>We know the chronological age of the OP’s daughter and of the guy (16 and 20) … however, we know nothing about the emotional age of the two people involved. If she is mature for her age and he is young for his age their emotional ages may only be 1-2 years apart.</p>
<p>I’ve been in 3 relationships … someone 2 years younger, someone 3 years younger, and someone 3.5 years older (that would be Mom3ToGo) … so should I be locked up because none of these women were in my grade? The women 2 years younger was my HS girlfriend … I was a senior and she was a sophomore and I got numerous jokes about robbing the cradle. The reality was I was VERY shy and VERY young and had never been on a date or been kissed before dating this girl … while she was a tad more worldly than I … even though I was 2 years chronologically older she was emotionally older.</p>
<p>It seems to me a bunch of people may be jumping to conclusions</p>
<p>OP, I’m wondering if the dating interest runs both ways. It’s possible that your D is interested in having this guy come to the prom, but that he’s not. Have you met the guy? That might give you some more insight into what’s going on.</p>
<p>I’d never allow it. The two are in quite different places in their lives despite whatever they might have in common and there are too many downsides to this. Once she’s 18 if she’s still interested in him and he in her then they can pursue it then.</p>
<p>
This is just asking for trouble and shouldn’t be done unless you’re seriously contemplating permitting this date.</p>
<p>Ok, I agree with you in theory. I would say absolutely NOT to this scenario.</p>
<p>But get real, you are not going to disembowel the guy with your bare hands, nor are you going to rip his heart out. So what are you REALLY going to do?</p>
<p>It would probably be doable to keep them from going to the prom-I could think of several ways to pull that off without causing anyone bodily harm. But the problem is if you create a rebellion in her heart, because THAT will be harder to police. You can’t be with your kids every minute, and where there is a will, there is usually a way. * You have to be very careful that you don’t create what you fear* simply by the way you handle yourself.</p>
<p>That said, I, too, would wonder why in the world a 20 year old man would want to go to a junior prom, even if he was desperate for female companionship. Sheesh.</p>
<p>I agree that she will try to find a way. Is he in college? I ask because I cannot imagine a 20 y/o in college being interested in a high school junior. Honestly, my biggest concerns would be STDs, pregnancy, and heartbreak. I think that I would sit her down and discuss all 3 of these issues AGAIN (I am assuming that you have had discussions like these before).</p>
<p>Cross posted with Nrdsb4 and I agree with it.</p>