<p>I asked 15 year old D2 what she thought of the situation. She said she’d seen something similar a year or two ago, when a girl (maybe 15 at the time) brought a 20 year old guy to a school dance. D2 said it felt really wrong/inappropriate, with everyone getting bad vibes from the guy.</p>
<p>Honestly, OP, I don’t think anyone here can answer your question. Only you know how mature your daughter is. I was always the youngest in my group of friends (by about 2-3 years) because I’ve always been far more mature than people my age. At 16, I hated hanging out with 16 year old guys. Even now at 21, I still get annoyed by some guys my age (but the maturity gap is closing rapidly!). If your daughter is like me, then there’s nothing weird about it. Only you know her maturity level. Really, age is just a number (with the exception being with statutory rape laws- and it’s not assumed that they’re going to have sex!) and it’s maturity that matters. One of my good friends in college started dating her boyfriend when she was a junior in high school (16) and he was a sophomore in college (20). They’ve been together for over 4 years now. She is fairly mature for her age and he was very, very young for his age. No one had any idea that he was 4 years older. Now he’s graduated and working full time, she’s still in college, and they’re going strong as ever. Her parents had reservations (she comes from a rather religious family) but once they met him, they were more than willing to give their approval.</p>
<p>But, as you know, if she really wants to go with him, she’ll find a way.</p>
<p>
I know my D was much more mature at age 13 or 14 than many guys in their early 20s but there’s no way I’d have let her date one. Age and place in life do make a difference.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the input. Tonight at dinner, our DS presented us with a well thought out, written letter about why she should be able to go to the prom with him! She says that it is just as friends, but her behavior tells us otherwise.</p>
<p>She is right that she has always acted in a trustworthy way; she just doesn’t get it why we see the age difference as very dangerous. We also agree with all of you that we can’t see why a 20 year old young man would even have any interest in a 16 year old girl, for at least any good reasons.</p>
<p>For more background: he goes to the local CC and lives at home. We have yet to officially meet him, although he has been over to the house at least once with the group of friends, back when this wasn’t on our radar.</p>
<p>We’re thinking that if we do allow her to go to the prom with him that we would take her there and pick her up. We figure not much trouble can occur if it isn’t seen as a real date. However, we can’t control them seeing each other any other times when the group of friends get together, go out to eat, etc.</p>
<p>I’m also thinking that it might be good for all of the friends to hang out here one evening soon, so I can start to get a feel of what the dynamic really is between them.</p>
<p>When (and where) I was growing up it was customary fire the girls to date guys two years ahead in school. So a girls on the younger side of her class could end up dating the guy on the older side and have four years difference.</p>
<p>I don’t see why the assumption is he only wants sex. Maybe he is a bit immature and she isn’t.</p>
<p>I would get to meet him and see</p>
<p>Re he’s looking for sex – wouldn’t that be easier to find with someone who wasn’t living under her parents’ roof?</p>
<p>If he’s still living at home w/ his parents while attending the CC, it’s possible that he’s not “expanded his horizons” as much as a young man who had been away from home living on his own at college for a couple of years.<br>
Every bf I ever had was at least two years old than me. When I was a h.s. soph., I dated a senior. When I was a jr. I dated a college freshman. When I was a college freshman, I dated a college senior. I kept that one. We’ll celebrate our 30th anniv. this year :)</p>
<p>As some previous posters have stated, there are many variables to this situation, emotional age vs chronological age, maturity levels, etc. Girls usually have a faster rate of maturation than boys.</p>
<p>I was a junior in HS dating a college sophomore, 3 years difference in age if I remember correctly. Later, I married someone my own age, a boy I had known and was friends with all thru high school - that lasted 2 years. Next I married someone 3 years older than me - he died after 9 years of marriage. And now I am married to someone 6 years younger than me and we are still going strong after 21 years. My nephew, 23, just got engaged to someone 10 years older than him with a 7 year old son. One of his parents is not that happy about it but knows he can’t do anything about it.</p>
<p>With all relationships - it will either work or it won’t. All you can do is give good advice and hope for the best.</p>
<p>I’d meet him and see how I felt after that. Honestly, I’ve liked the older guys my daughters have been involved with a hell of a lot more than the same age or younger ones. There’s something to be said for a few extra years of maturing. They’re better drivers too. As for being demanding of sex, that can happen with 16 yr olds too. Your daughters are going to do what they’re going to do with that.</p>
<p>Here’s a thought: tell her she can do it if the boy will join her Dad for a dinner and conversation, just the two of them. There’s a reasonable possibility the boy won’t agree to do this, and then it’s his fault. If he agrees to meet with Dad, there’s a higher possiblility that he’s OK, Dad can check him out, and Dad can point out to him his concerns and expectations.</p>
<p>I started dating my boyfriend when I was 16 and he was 20. We worked at the same store and we honestly didn’t know each others ages until we were good friends - he thought I went to his local uni and I though he went to the local highschool (he’s 22 now and STILL looks like he’s 15 ha!). Anyways when we started “hanging out as friends” :rolleyes: my Dad insisted he come over and meet him. I was mortified then but I (begrudgingly) understand now. My parents were of the opinion that there wasn’t really anyway they could monitor what I did with him since we worked together and ran in the same group of friends from work. But I think they’re mostly ok with it now, two years later. 
</p>
<p>My step mom would always say to my dad, “When I was a teenager, the best thing in the world my parents could say about a guy was ‘NO.’” And that could be true of your daughter, just a warning. </p>
<p>So, coming from the teens perspective, for whatever it’s worth, I think it might be ok as long as she’s hanging out in a group with friends. Of course, this depends on what you think of this girlfriend - is she, well… promiscuous? If so, this guy may think he’s getting whatever his friend is getting, to be frank. But if you think she’s a well enough girl, it should be fine. Who knows, maybe the guy is just coming along as a favor so his friend isn’t bored at a high school prom!</p>
<p>(Just a side note from the teen girl in me, please, please, please don’t insist on dropping your daughter at the prom. If you have to pick her, that’s understandable, but half of the fun of prom is getting ready with friends and going out to eat before hand!)</p>
<p>This will depend on past demonstrated behavior which demonstrated D’s maturity, trustworthiness, and experience. </p>
<p>If it’s to the point that demonstrates that she’s beyond her years and is trustworthy, I’d be inclined to let them go.</p>
<p>If not, then no. </p>
<p><a href=“Just%20a%20side%20note%20from%20the%20teen%20girl%20in%20me,%20please,%20please,%20please%20don’t%20insist%20on%20dropping%20your%20daughter%20at%20the%20prom.%20If%20you%20have%20to%20pick%20her,%20that’s%20understandable,%20but%20half%20of%20the%20fun%20of%20prom%20is%20getting%20ready%20with%20friends%20and%20going%20out%20to%20eat%20before%20hand!”>quote</a>
[/quote]
</p>
<p>As someone who’s not that far removed from his high school/college years, I second the above. Moreover, depending on the high school culture…parental dropoffs to the prom could seriously embarrass your high school junior/senior for two reasons:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Signal overprotective micromanaging parents which tends to repel other adolescents even as friends…especially those raised to be more independent at those ages.</p></li>
<li><p>High school classmates will use that as “proof” she’s as mature as a young elementary school kid and tease/bully her accordingly. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>That was certainly the case at my high school in NYC where high school freshmen were expected to commute up to 2+ hours to/from the school by themselves…much less juniors/seniors. In fact, in my 4 years at high school of around 3000 total kids…I knew no one who was dropped off by parents to school or to prom…would have been too much of a throwback to elementary school kiddyhood in our school’s culture.</p>
<p>If the prom-goers will be staying up most of the night, attending post-prom parties or otherwise testing their stamina, providing them with taxi fare so that nobody has to drive while exhausted could be a nice gesture.</p>
<p>Sometimes, larger groups of prom-goers make arrangements to be picked up and delivered to their various prom night destinations by car services to avoid the “drowsy driver” (and in some instances, drunk driver) problem. Some car services have special vehicles for this purpose, such as party buses.</p>
<p>cobrat, You also lived in NYC where getting a limo or a cab was easy. I agree; nobody’s parents dropped them off. But this is a JUNIOR prom, apparently in suburbia. Lots of suburbs have limited taxi/limo services. Getting dropped off by mom or dad is far more common.</p>
<p>^I mostly just meant like don’t drop her off just to avoid further contact with the guy. It was common at my high school in suburbia to have parents drop people off, but it was almost always in groups and usually after they had gotten ready and eaten together, whether at a restaurant or just pizza at one of the kids’ houses. While I can understand that the OP might not want her daughter involved in after-prom activities, she shouldn’t miss out on the whole experience.</p>
<p>“It is simply not a healthy situation for a junior in high school to be going out with a 20 year old guy.”</p>
<p>Is your D really ready to deal with the gossip this coupling is bound to generate?</p>
<p><a href=“Just%20a%20side%20note%20from%20the%20teen%20girl%20in%20me,%20please,%20please,%20please%20don’t%20insist%20on%20dropping%20your%20daughter%20at%20the%20prom.%20If%20you%20have%20to%20pick%20her,%20that’s%20understandable,%20but%20half%20of%20the%20fun%20of%20prom%20is%20getting%20ready%20with%20friends%20and%20going%20out%20to%20eat%20before%20hand!”>quote</a>
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Customs vary. In our town groups of kids usually get together at one of the families houses ahead of time.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t jump to conclusions as to him being “more mature”, I was 16 when I started dating my 20 y/o boyfriend in HS & believe me his mother had more to be worried about then mine lol. As a funny aside he went with me to my Sr Prom and afterwards our group went to a comedy club in NYC where the comedian zeroed in on him for being the first balding prom date he ever saw, poor guy. We dated 4 years and still keep in touch, he’s a real sweet heart.</p>
<p>I think young teen girls get a thrill from dating “older” guys. It gives them “status” in the high school pecking order. It’s no different now than it was thirty+ years ago. I remember the girls that dated “older guys.” A few of S1s friends stayed in town and attended the local uni and the girls from the early years of their last couple high school days were forever trying to get these guys to take them to prom. Only one capitulated but I heard he moaned about it for several days from my S2 who was a senior at the time. I too, would have to question why on earth a twenty year old would want to go to a high school prom. You are right – outside of forbidding her to see this guy ever you are between a rock and a hard place but you don’t have to condone it and you certainly have the right to say “no” to any after prom parties. Good luck, there are times I am grateful that I didn’t have to raise a teen age girl exercising and flexing all her powers and believe me I’ve seen it x three with my boys who come with their own set of issues. And I’ve heard it all from two girlfriends who raised daughters.</p>
<p>“I don’t think it’s fair to assume he wants sex.”</p>
<p>Right…if he’s like most 20-year-old guys, he’s probably hoping for some invigorating conversation about what a doofus the principal is, followed by a rousing game of Scrabble.</p>