<p>Schmaltz (and others)- I’m so sick of the stereotype that all men want sex or that they’re going to try to have sex just because they’re with a girl. Seriously, there are quite a few guys who DON’T want sex until they’re in a serious relationship. I think the male “horny-ness” is way overblown. This guy should be given the benefit of the doubt AND the OP’s daughter should be given the benefit of that doubt that she’s not going to sleep with this guy. </p>
<p>/rant</p>
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<p>I guess that depends on the size of your school. No one would have said anything at my high school but I went to a very, very large high school.</p>
<p>I heartily support your right as parents to make the rules for your minor children. In fact, I still expect my 19-year-old daughter to follow our rules while she is home!</p>
<p>At the same time, the mere fact that she is 16 and he is 20 would not be enough for me to tell my daughter that they couldn’t go to the prom together. People have raised good points about the maturity levels of the two of them, and only you know this. I also think the idea of inviting the young man over to your house is a good one. If he wants only to take advantage of your D, he will run.</p>
<p>I dated boys who were 3 and 4 years older than me throughout high school, in part because my brother was 3 years older than me, and I dated several of his friends. Of course, my family knew all of them. I managed to go to many high school dances and I didn’t have sex until I was married.</p>
<p>I think more accurately what the person you were responding to was getting at is that it might not be something he is actively pursuing. Sure, I would be surprised to find a lot of 20-year-old males who would pass up sex with someone desirable given the opportunity, but that doesn’t mean they’re chasing after it. Perhaps it is partially because I run in a nerdy circle, but the 20-year-old males I know are really respectful and get genuine companionship out of their relationships. </p>
<p>In my case, I dated a guy three years older than me when I was 15 (freshman and senior), and honestly it was fine. The guy was not out for sex, he was just a little awkward and not exactly a catch. It lasted a few months and then our lives moved on, no big deal. Knowing teenage girls, if you tell her absolutely not this young man will become Romeo and she will be Juliet. Next thing you know the whole situation will be romanticized, things get out of hand, etc. </p>
<p>I like the idea of having the dad sit down to dinner with him, or maybe having dates be in the house with no closed doors for a given amount of time. If this guy genuinely likes her, he might stick around, but if he’s just out for sex then it will be too much of a hassle.</p>
<p>Limos and cabs were for the tiny minority of upper/upper-middle class kids. For the rest of us…it was the subway/bus/SI Ferry all the way. None of us showed up with the parents…it just wasn’t done in our graduating class. </p>
<p>And that’s assuming we managed to scrounge enough cash from part-time work and family for the prom tickets. Considering they were more than $90/person back in the early-mid '90s…there wasn’t going to be much left for cabs/limos unless one’s family was loaded and/or extremely generous. </p>
<p>Also, even if the parents wanted to drop their kiddies off at prom…the traffic near the midtown 5th avenue hotel where it was held was such that it just wasn’t worth the aggravation.</p>
<p>This is the time when people should begin learning how to form close relationships - that is part of learning something that is critically important in life. I would not want to date a guy who had never had a serious relationship, or who couldn’t last beyond a few weeks with someone. I wouldn’t want him to be making all of his mistakes on me. I’ve felt this way for a few years…and I’m only 24. At 20, I was just getting out of a 3-year relationship. I learned a lot from that. And each relationship since then has gotten better, and I keep learning what is really important. But someone who’s 20/21/22 and entering their first relationship will be bound to be stubborn and make mistakes…and if they have no interest in marrying for a while, that’s fine. But not everyone wants to be 30 when they marry. It also seems immature to me the ways guys (and girls) act when they’re 20-something and don’t have some basic understandings of dating and committed relationships. </p>
<p>Maybe that’s just me, but I prefer guys who have relationship experience and not those who waited until their early/mid twenties to begin seriously dating. I know a lot of classmates who are married at this age. I sure hope they didn’t start dating a year ago, and had some experience and a better understanding of what a relationship means by the time they were engaged.</p>
<p>Anyway, I dated a 20 year old when I was 16. We were together for 6 months (which seems like a long time at that age). We never slept together. He never pressured me to. So I agree that it is just a stereotype - maybe they think it would be fun (in a somewhat innocent sense) to double date - friends with friends. Maybe the boy isn’t as mature, so he doesn’t mind someone younger. Or maybe the girl is more mature than girls he knows at his age (I’ve known plenty of immature 20-somethings, and plenty of mature teens). </p>
<p>Even if you don’t want her one-on-one with the guy, I don’t think it’s a problem to allow them to go to the prom together. Especially if it’s a case where she doesn’t have anyone else to go with. It is very depressing (and distracting) as a teen girl to feel like no one likes you and see all of your friends fussing over a dance you have no one to go to with. I don’t see a problem with letting her hang out with him, her friend, and her friend’s boyfriend as a group. Draw the line at going to each others houses (if you’re afraid she’ll be alone with him) and only allow her to hang out at your house when you’re home if you feel the need to do that. </p>
<p>Of course, teens lie - but if that’s the case your defiance will only provoke her to lie and see him anyway. So you might as well let her see him with your restrictions and come to an agreement with her (and make sure she understands the reasons for the restrictions! Too many parents say “No, because I said so” and it just doesn’t work at this age. They need to understand that you have GOOD reasons, and not just “all guys are pigs,” because that simply isn’t true and will only make her want to prove you wrong). </p>
<p>So sit down and have an adult conversation with her. No, you might not see her as an adult. But at 16, she is desperately trying to become one. So you might as well make her feel like you respect her enough to have a real conversation with her and be ready to explain your reasons. If you can’t, then maybe you don’t have good enough reasons.</p>
<p>I think this varies by the values of one’s local family, regional culture, and social circle. In the high school I attended…those who dated during high school were often regarded as “not knowing their priorities”…getting into a respectable college or an extreme religious/social conservative preparing for an early marriage…both tended to be disdained by the prevailing high school culture. </p>
<p>In contrast, where one rural New England friend is from…his marrying at 30 is considered a bit “old”…though considering his educational background and current employment status at one of the top names in Computer technology…few in his hometown/family would care. Where I’m from in NYC…getting married at 30 is the norm or even a bit young. In short…YMMV…</p>
<p>NovaLynx did a GREAT job of summing this whole discussion up logically…(: I have to add this, though – no guy will want to go to prom with her if they hear they were a fallback date, ahah.</p>
<p>I think NovaLynx set the issues out pretty well in post #45 as well.</p>
<p>I agree that often shy folks may not have much relationship experience as teens or even in their young 20s (neither of my kids have had more than a summer+ romance & they’re 22 & 24). At their age, I had a long-term relationship from age 16 through 19 & then a new one for 3 years in college & then a new one for 3 years in grad school. </p>
<p>I dated quite a bit after I started my career and wouldn’t agree to get engaged to the man I later married until our relationship had outlasted his prior relationships (that generally fizzled after 9 months or less–wanted to see what happened after the 9th month & whether I wanted to stick around after that). I dated him for about 18 months before we were engaged & our engagement lasted about a year. I was in my late 20s & he was MUCH older; still together 25+ years later!</p>
<p>From a high school junior’s point of view, going to prom with a twenty year old would be a bit weird, but who is to say that everyone going will know his age? I have gone to two other proms in the past and the only things we discussed afterwards were if the guys that went and were not from our school were cute or not. My school is relatively small and very gossipy. There is more talk about who’s dress was better than the guys that went, even. If she’s happy to go with him and you approve, then the “chatter” that was suggested earlier on in the conversation is really nothing to be worried about on her behalf.<br>
I also live in the suburbs. We eat dinner at the dance venue and take pictures at a family’s house then at a local park before heading to the actual venue to take pictures with more friends. It is one of the best experiences of prom because you get to show off all of the work (or show off how effortless everything you did was) you did to get ready for that night. It’s something that, in my opinion, can’t be missed. As far as after prom is concerned, why don’t you ask her if she plans on staying with this guy after prom? You mentioned that he’s part of her circle of friends-if you decide to let her go, why not make sure that there is a parent around at all times if they are going to be going somewhere together afterwards?
As far as dating the guy is concerned, ehhh… Personally, I wouldn’t want to date a guy who is already in college just because I don’t want to deal with not always knowing the people he is hanging out with. I wouldn’t jump to conclusions about the sex part, as other posters have said also. There’s no way to tell what his intentions are. Your daughter has her own set of morals, and if she wants to have sex now, she can have sex with anyone, any age. Say she doesn’t want to have sex until marriage or until the commitment to one another is set in stone, then she won’t budge. If she starts to feel pressured then you will be able to tell, i promise you that. I would be leery about her having an actual romance with this guy. If the relationship becomes very close then just set some boundaries-but not extremely crazy ones. When parents set extreme boundaries it most often leads to rebellion, it’s almost like a rule.
I hope this helps a bit.</p>
<p>Thanks so much to everyone for all the thoughtful and thought provoking replies.</p>
<p>Yesterday my husband and I made a decision and let our DD know that we were going to allow her to attend the junior prom with him, under the condition that they not go as a two-some. They can go in a group, etc, but this is not a ‘date’.</p>
<p>We also let her know that she is not allowed to go on one-one-dates with him or anyone else that age. We are fine with group activities; we just don’t want to encourage one-on-one activity.</p>
<p>We also said that we also wanted her to invite her group of friends, with him included, over for a party/movie night at our house, where we can get a feel for him and her interactions with him.</p>
<p>We also know that this is just the beginning of many conversations with her about dating!</p>