<p>When a loving husband and Wife have an argument “small arguments”:</p>
<p>-You Wife: what do you expect, if anything, your husband to do to be able to move on after the argument?</p>
<p>-You Husband: what do you expect, if anything, your wife to do to be able to move on after the argument?</p>
<p>How do you overcome the bad feelings? For how long do you stay upset: minutes, hours, days…?</p>
<p>I’m a wife. </p>
<p>As long as I get to speak without being interrupted, I can move on. But as soon as I get cut-off mid-sentence, a peaceful resolution is nearly impossible. Just LET ME FINISH what I have to say. I need to be heard.</p>
<p>Oh, and NEVER dismiss or invalidate anything I say that starts with “I feel…” There’s no moving on after that. Only I own my feelings. My husband cannot decide whether they’re right. So he better not try. </p>
<p>As long as Husband sticks to those ground rules our fights are over pretty fast. If he doesn’t, then things fester until “the next round.” That could be hours or days.</p>
<p>Yes, your feelings are your own, but did it ever occur to you that your husband might view that as irrelevant. Sometimes the facts and logic need to prevail over “feelings.”</p>
<p>I look forward to reading the responses!! </p>
<p>“Argument” is kinda vague for me and I guess it depends the nature of it. So, I’m gonna twist your questions a little (sorry!!) and am a wife for the record. But let’s say the husband did something that was not OK in wife’s book (or simply not OK in anyone’s book!) and the wife brings it up. </p>
<p>In that scenario, as a wife, I expect the husband to listen with respect and demonstrate understanding of what the wife had to say (even if he doesn’t agree or like it) so that she feels heard. Then, I would expect some attempt to work out whatever it was. And if the husband did something that was not OK for the wife, I’d expect the husband to make amends and try not to do it again. Then, as a wife, I can move on. </p>
<p>From my assumption, some husbands would prefer to not discuss whatever it is, sweep it under the rug, just forget about it and move on and never have the wife bring it up again, even without any attempt at resolving whatever it was about. Thus it is hard for the wife to “move on.” :D</p>
<p>As a wife, when there is an honest attempt for one to be heard and an attempt at some resolution, it is then easier and quicker to move on!</p>
<p>edad, yes, I notice some husbands are not into “feelings”…just facts. :D</p>
<p>Dougbetsy–I’m with you on the don’t argue feelings thing. However, I have noticed that some people (not saying you, of course), start what should be factual statements with “I feel.” Like “I feel that you are not taking me seriously” or “I feel that you don’t do the dishes enough.” Because either of those might be wrong–perhaps the other person *is *taking you seriously, or perhaps the other person does the dishes most of the time. You can “feel” something, and be in error about that, if it is actually a factual thing, masked as feelings. </p>
<p>I feel that some people use “I feel” as a defense against discussion. (again, not saying you do, just that I’ve encountered that and it does make me nuts.)</p>
<p>Speaking as a wife, by the way.</p>
<p>For myself, I would like, as others say here, to be heard, and heard carefully and accurately. And disagreed with respectfully. I would like a civil discussion where we both work toward figuring out what the actual disagreement is, not what we decide in each of our heads to define it as, and then work together to bridge it–with the assumption that we’re both thoughtful, caring, unselfish people who should be able to do so.</p>
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<p>Perhaps, but I didn’t marry Dr. Spock. ;)</p>
<p>Oh, I don’t mind if he thinks that feelings are irrelevant. What I’m talking about is when he says my feelings are outright wrong. For example (over simplified):</p>
<p>Me: I’m scared about so-n-so’s surgery tomorrow.<br>
Husband: That’s ridiculous. It’s routine. </p>
<p>Why not say, “Try not to worry. It’s routine.” IMO, calling my fear ridiculous is what’s out of line. </p>
<p>That’s all.</p>
<p>Ah. I’m in total agreement with you on that scenario, DB.</p>
<p>People think my husband is the nicest man in the world, and the most selfless. They think he’s a saint. And they’re right.</p>
<p>We rarely argue. If I want him to do something he doesn’t want to do, or if I don’t want him to do something he plans to do, he just ignores my comments or "yes"es me to to death, and then goes ahead and does what he planned to do anyway. Makes me nuts!</p>
<p>And if he’s done something wrong or something that hurts my feelings, and I bring it up he apologizes. This sounds great, right? But sometimes he apologizes, sincerely, before I can finish my rant about how angry he’s made me. Then I have nowhere to put that anger. Ugh! Just let me be ticked off for a few minutes and VENT it out, and THEN apologize! </p>
<p>It’s harder being married to a Saint than you would think. ;)</p>
<p>"From my assumption, some husbands would prefer to not discuss whatever it is, sweep it under the rug, just forget about it and move on and never have the wife bring it up again, even without any attempt at resolving whatever it was about. Thus it is hard for the wife to “move on.”</p>
<p>-Why men don’t like to discuss whatever it is…?</p>
<p>“Why not say, “Try not to worry. It’s routine.” IMO, calling my fear ridiculous is what’s out of line.”</p>
<p>I believe your comments emphasize a basic problem. Your husband seems to be trying to calm your concerns and you get upset because of his choice of words. Eventually he might stop trying.</p>
<p>The different communication styles of men and women can be a problem in many settings, not just arguments.</p>
<p>I remember that some years ago, my husband and I decided that it was necessary to get rid of our family’s pet rabbit, something that both of us agreed upon but deeply regretted. I felt the need to deal with the feelings involved by talking about the situation. He felt the need to deal with the feelings involved by NOT talking about the situation. Once he made his view on this clear, the solution was obvious – I talked about the situation with some friends and dealt with the feelings that way, and he never mentioned the rabbit again.</p>
<p>But what do you do when the problem is between the two of you, and discussing it with your friends is not appropriate? Or when a decision must be made and you are not in agreement on what it should be? In those instances, differences in communication styles are a real barrier.</p>
<p>“edad”: what would you recommend to a wife to do when the husband, or Vice Versa, does not want to discuss the subject that caused the disagreement?</p>
<p>I’m another wife who needs to be heard. My husband has a terrible habit of talking over me and louder than I do. He’s much larger than I am so I perceive that as bullying and he doesn’t understand. If I’m heard respectfully, we can move on right away. If not, it can go on for days. He doesn’t have to agree with me, but he can’t make me invisible or silent, either.</p>
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<p>Thank you for that diagnosis, Doc. However, the logic of your conclusion is not based on facts. It’s based on assumptions. You’re assuming that I complain whenever Husband dismisses or invalidates. I don’t.</p>
<p>zoosermom: “If not, it can go on for days.” What do you do… you don’t talk to him for days or do you talk to him in another tone? How do you get happy again, how do you overcome the upsetting feelings if husband or wife don’t want to discuss the subject?</p>
<p>“People think my husband is the nicest man in the world, and the most selfless. They think he’s a saint.”</p>
<p>LOL–I could say the same thing. But stop right there. They’re WRONG.</p>
<p>Forgive and forget. That is the only way to stay married. (Personally, I find the forgetting hard at times!)</p>
<p>Remember that book by Jenny Sanford? Except for the “soulmate in Argentina,”
I thought some of the things she complained about were pretty minor. I told H it’s a good thing I’m not gonna write a book about US!</p>
<p>About ten years ago, (been married 20, dated for ten before that), I realized H and I had fallen into a pattern where I would want to “talk about it” and he would not. One night, as I tried to “get him to talk about it,” it dawned on me…Why on earth would I want to have a conversation with someone who didn’t want to have a conversation with me??? I actually stopped mid-sentenced and started to laugh.</p>
<p>For about a year after that, H was pretty at sea in the relationship. He expected me to do all the emotional heavy lifting in the relationship, but I’d just decided to get on with my life. Why bother? I wasn’t going to try to talk about it anymore. It never changed anything anyway.</p>
<p>Finally, he came to me and said “WHAT is wrong with you?” I said, “What?” He said, “I can’t connect with you.” I said, “Are you asking me to talk about it?” “YES!”</p>
<p>So, we started to talk. Every once in a while he’ll try to trick me into the old he doesn’t want to talk but he’ll do me the favor routine. I just stop and say, “Do you want to talk or not?” He knows I’m not kidding. He wants to talk.</p>
<p>I think the biggest mistake people make in marriage is to believe that sex is a non-negotiable but intimate conversation is an extra. My feeling is that they are one and the same thing.</p>
<p>“edad”: what would you recommend to a wife to do when the husband does not want to discuss the subject that caused the disagreement? </p>
<p>I don’t think I have a solution for this. It seems that women want to spend much more time discussing things that occurred in the past and men typically just want to move forward. When “feelings” are involved there is an even bigger incentive to move forward. As already stated a few times, women take the position that feelings are feelings and therefore they cannot be refuted. Personally, I try to say something like “I am sorry you feel that way.” Of course, it has taken me many years to reach that level of communication and that is typically accompanied by a strong sense that I need to get move onward and out of the line of fire as soon as possible. </p>
<p>So maybe the conclusion is that men need to pay more attention to feelings and women might want to deal with the facts. I am not sure either happens very often.</p>
<p>poetgrl: “I think the biggest mistake people make in marriage is to believe that sex is a non-negotiable but intimate conversation is an extra. My feeling is that they are one and the same thing.”</p>
<p>Summarizing skills:
Negotiation Tool: So you use “S” word to punish him or give him a lesson that he needs to be open to discuss a subject that will help the marriage?</p>
<p>edad: How did you learn the lesson “I need to get move onward and out of the line of fire as soon as possible.” What did your wife do in her life for you to learn to be more communicative? Thanks for your answers…</p>