<p>Why would OP’s son want to commit ED II to a likely/low reach when (a) he wasn’t sure it was his first choice and (b) he had better schools yet to hear from taht he chose to apply to? He had safety schools already in place, and now ,since DH was dishonest and frittered away money, there is a chance he couldnt have afforded to attend an ED school. So why are you beating this into the ground, POIH? Because the dad, who chose to stay out of the dinnertime discussions and was too busy (perhaps gambling) to participate in the college search, was wrong?? Please reread the OP-- the ED II schools were NOT the Ivy/top tier schools. Perhaps you assumed again…</p>
<p>OK, it’s time to just smile and nod, smile and nod…Of course I voiced my concern with shorting and margin play; and yes I checked the trading account daily-he didn’t agree of course. I didn’t do anything wrong, what was I to talk with H directly about? I didn’t gamble our son’s application process away. You said if this was my responsibility I should have done a more thorough job. My son’s stats are above the 80% for the safety/match schools. He researched each school and wrote the applications specific to each school. Not sure what more he/I could have done; so what do you mean when you say I could have/should have done a better job?</p>
<p>jym626, I mentioned earlier that I cashed out the kids’ college accounts before the last hit, so the kids would be able to go to the schools they chose.</p>
<p>“What goes on between two people who are in touch with the process some time is not discernible to other sitting. So you should have talked about it with him directly.”
So now you are the fly on the wall and KNOW what the OP’s hubby was thinking? That he needed to have someone literally say" HEY YOU, WE’RE TALKING ABOUT COLLEGE OPTIONS FOR OUR SON, PAY ATTENTION!"?
maybe that’s a reflection of your own inability to understand what people are saying WAS done by the OP. And as jym, who is a shrink, said, I give up.</p>
<p>Maybe your DW wanted to move to Boston, not to be closer to DD, but to get away from someone as incapable of rational thought as you appear to be. </p>
<p>And as you pointed out, there is nothing wrong with criticizing.</p>
<p>*) Spouses don’t discuss EVERY option out there. Some options are dismissed because those options aren’t good options at the time (as in this case…the son wasn’t sure about the school.) </p>
<p>I think spouses should discuss all options, if we take both OP and OP’s DH both caused problem by not disclosing all the options for the tasks they were in charge of resulting in unwanted results.*</p>
<p>there aren’t enough waking hours in a day for a H & W to discuss every option that each encounters throughout their days. No H wants to be called to decide “Pampers” or “Huggies”…or “pink dress” or “yellow dress”…and no W wants to be called to decide between brands of motor oil. </p>
<p>Obviously, those are minor issues, but even within the college process there are a million decisions and a mutual discussion between spouses is not only not desirable, but often avoided…because the “passive” spouse doesn’t want to be involved in every nitty-gritty aspect. </p>
<p>There were likely 50+ schools that were considered but discarded because of various issues that were never discussed with the other spouse…that’s not “witholding info” or being dishonest.</p>
<p>“there aren’t enough waking hours in a day for a H & W to discuss every option that each encounters throughout their days. No H wants to be called to decide “Pampers” or “Huggies”…or “pink dress” or “yellow dress”…and no W wants to be called to decide between brands of motor oil.”
Oh I don’t know about that. In a "normal relationship I agree but often control freaks want to have veto power over all decisions, especially if it’s on their dime. If they aren’t involved in the decision then they are the first to criticize it …</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Time after time I forget whom I’m talking too…</p>
<p>Still each relationship is not same and that is why not every relation work. The problem OP is suffering from stem from the mentality that it’s not important to share with spouse options. The stance that I’m intelligent enough and this is small moot point to talk to about with my spouse is the grass root of all relationship problem. No matter is too small or not important.</p>
<p>If OP’s DH had not thought of shorting stock being a small matter or consider himself intelligent or OP dumb enough to ask before shorting, OP still had the nest egg alive.</p>
<p>Or if OP had not thought of that there are 50+ college and involving DH in each school is a small tiny irrelevant information, we won’t be having the discussion and OP’s DH won’t be mad also.</p>
<p>So in a relationship no matter is small enough and no individual is intelligent enough. It’s a joint effort and in my opinion both spouses be proactive in letting other know of the action they are planning before it go too far and there is no coming back.</p>
<p>OP says admissions strategy was discussed at the dinner table. If her H couldn’t be bothered to listen to the conversation, that’s HIS fault, not the OP’s. I’m still thinking that the WL is the straw man for other issues.</p>
<p>POIH said:
</p>
<p>Well, yes. At our house DH (the major breadwinner, and under the terms of your debate, the ‘absent’ parent) is a responsible adult and these are his children, too…so I do put the onus on him to ask questions and be involved, even if I am bearing the laboring oar with the nitty gritty of the app process. Which he did, despite his insane work hours. </p>
<p>H is an admitted control freak, and 1) I cannot fathom him NOT being heavily involved in college discussions, esp. given the expense involved; and 2) he never would have dreamed of criticizing me when our kids got on waitlists. We knew WLs were a real possibility even with stats that were above the 75%tile at every school to which each applied – and both got into schools with lower acceptance rates than the ones where they were waitlisted. </p>
<p>As a parallel example – Even though DH does the tax returns every year, you can bet that I check every line myself and ask questions before I sign, despite the fact he went to Wharton and does regulatory law. I’m responsible for what goes on that tax return, too. Though I pay the bills, he looks at every bill and credit card statement as well. Occasionally one of us picks up something that the other missed. It’s called teamwork and shared responsibility.</p>
<p>POIH, let’s apply some of your business wisdom to the dynamics of this forum discussion. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>True. What that VP DOESN’T do is start making up wild scenarios about what the cognizant engineers did or didn’t do when there’s a problem. There’s a process for rationally and sanely gathering information about what caused the problem–human error, software bugs, a flawed error trapping process, whatever. A good VP doesn’t immediately start speculating that Engineer A didn’t properly inform their manager about an issue. </p>
<p>Now we’ll apply this to family dynamics. </p>
<p>Cognizant Engineer Parent (meaning, the OP): DS is on some waitlists.</p>
<p>Non-CogE Parent (meaning, the OP’s H): Wait, how did that happen? I thought those were a slam dunk!</p>
<p>CogE Parent: It’s complicated. There are a lot of factors. Here, I’ve prepared a PowerPoint presentation for you detailing the process. </p>
<p>:D ;)</p>
<p>OP, I’m sorry this happened, and I hope that your DH realizes that his anger and frustration shouldn’t have been taken out on you.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I’m so glad I didn’t pour my coffee BEFORE reading this gem from POIH…who I KNOW discusses EVERYTHING with his wife…EVERYTHING.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Oh PLEASE. The student will be fine where he is going to attend college. THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS of kids are either rejected or waitlisted ED. The kid will be fine.</p>
<p>POIH…if the kid gets OFF the waitlist, will you say it is because the DAD criticized the mom? And will the Dad take ALL the credit? What if the kid decides NOT to stay on the waitlist or if accepted makes a decision NOT to enroll?</p>
<p>As CPT pointed out…this is a time to be supportive of one another, not place “blame” on anyway.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>NO the problem is the father didn’t have the sense to ask about what was going on DURING the process.</p>
<p>POIH-
First, it seems to me that your family dynamic works out very well for your family. I’m sure the same can be said of all the posters arguing with you. So I won’t comment on any of the underlying discussion going on here.</p>
<p>But you have got to be the most entertaining poster on this board. After a couple years of reading your almost constant arguments with a huge swath of the population on CC, the pure irony of you posting this:
</p>
<p>has left me helplessly ROTFL.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Three problems with this analogy </p>
<p>First, at least on my marriage one spouse is not the boss who delagates to the other spouse it is more like partners who have divided the work.</p>
<p>Second, the business analogy still doesn’t work for me … I assume husband = VP and wife = Manager … OK if something blows up in this scenario and CEO goes to the VP to ask what happend (following the same delagation thought) … and what does the VP say … “I do not really know what happened … it’s the manager’s fault that the problem occured and it’s the manager’s fault I have not been up to date”. I’ve worked in industry for 30 years and in my experience a senior manager who blamed a subordinator for not being informed would have their head handed to them (unless theyhad asked for updates and the subordinate had been insubordinate).</p>
<p>Three, who says there is a problem … IMO for kids looking beyond one or two local match/safety schools if they get all acceptences then they probably shot too low with their applications … for most kids on CC, for example, I would expect a couple rejects or wait-lists due to their aspirations. If I’m being a total cynic sometimes a comment often made by prep parents on this board as a compliment to their schools strikes me as schools controlling expectations and guiding kids to play it safe … comments like … “The guidence department at our kids schools does a great job … for example, we had great ED results … almost everyone got into their ED school and is happy with their choice”. A top prep school and everyone got into their ED school? … it seems to me the only way that works is if you advise kids against applying for reaches … personallally I would not advocate this for my kid.</p>
<p>MisterK:
</p>
<p>You could have it. My nick name at work is “Houston.” Responsibility comes with privilege (I like this saying better), I am the only one who has acess to CC at work. We block every blog site or access to external emails, but I asked IT security to un-block it for me.</p>
<p>The big problem with the whole ‘run a family like a business’ analogy is that it leaves out the love. A boss asking a subordinate what happened…or even business partners (leaving out families who run businesses)…don’t usually bid each other farewell at the end of the day with a kiss and an ‘I love you’. I certainly hope all the families here do just that. </p>
<p>I’m sure Breathe has forgiven Hubby by now. I hope he admitted that he spoke out of turn and that his comment was unkind and unjust as most of us agree. Trying to make it ‘all right’ with business analogies and convoluted reasoning may have been part of the apology, but I hope not. But then I’m an optimist.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I think this is a relatively minor transgression compared with what OP wrote about her husband. If her husband is what OP wrote then I don’t know what’s the ground for OP to have any discussion with her husband.</p>
<p>
Ah yes… so do we…</p>
<p>Wonder if DW interrupts important meetings to ask if DH wants cauliflower or curried rice as side dish for dinner :rolleyes:</p>
<p>Or both?? Or how about gingered eggplant… oh honey lets discuss it before I decide…</p>
<p>I think the girls should ask DW if she’d like to join us for a girls’ weekend in Vegas; might be the exhale she needs.</p>
<p>who is paying?? ;)</p>