<p>Well said Starbright. My comments exactly.</p>
<p>*He retorted, well if you spent so much time on this WHY is our son waitlisted?! You failed. Wow, I’m just glad the kids were all out of the house for that one… *</p>
<p>Show your H this post…</p>
<p>Mister, You are an ignorant moron. Your wife worked her fanny off learning about the college admission process. SHE has no control over whether a selective school will accept, reject, or waitlist your child. YOU have been remiss by not learning anything about the process untill now. YOU failed. YOU owe your wife a HUGE apology and YOU need to thank her for spending so much time learning about the college process. Your words were abusive and inexcusable. </p>
<p>*he blamed me for not insisting that our son do the ED. Son wasn’t ready to commit and I wasn’t going to push him into a decision. *</p>
<p>Mister: Did you lose your mouth? Why didn’t YOU push an ED decision? (not that doing so is a good idea if son isn’t sure.) </p>
<p>(I would say more but I don’t want to use the language that I would use if I saw you in person.)</p>
<p>Maybe your husband is just an uninformed jerk. </p>
<p>But more likely he’s just a dad worried that his high-achieving son might miss out on educational opportunities he deserves. </p>
<p>I’ve taken my frustration out on my husband - and have been forgiven. Unless this is a pattern, or more than a one-time outburst, I’d suggest you also forgive, forget & move on. Praising your son along the way.</p>
<p>When faced with a problem, men like to SOLVE.</p>
<p>If they can’t solve, they… BLAME.</p>
<p>Sorry for the over-reaching generalization. But it does apply in this particular case.</p>
<p>I don’t hang out in Sinners’ Alley much any more, breathedeeply. But if I did, I’d invite you over and the drinks would be on me. </p>
<p>You did good. Your S did good. No one is to blame for the waitlist.</p>
<p>Your posse is here when you need to vent, and one of us is pretty much here 24/7.</p>
<p>If Mr. breathedeeply shows up around here, it better be with a big bouquet of flowers, a sheepish grin and a heartfelt apology. Otherwise, what jym626 said (post #2).</p>
<p>There are so many books on topic of verbal abuse. One of my favs talks about the style of parenting. The dad sits back and does little, but comes in to criticize when things don’t go “right”. He believes he is the expert.</p>
<p>*I work with men all day long. This is more in the zone of control freakery/passive-aggressive manipulation with some verbal abuse on the side. Stand back, let the other person do the work, then jump in and criticize. *</p>
<p>People have to be told firmly that if they aren’t going to get involved in the planning of an event/activity/etc then they forego the right to criticize. I’s one thing to ASK if another option might have worked and then listen to the answer, but to blindly criticize when you haven’t been involved or done the work is arrogant and obnoxious. </p>
<p>My H tried criticizing me on a couple of such occasions. One time the criticism was about the kids and another time about a vacation. When the former occurred, I firmly informed him that I don’t get to go to his office, look things over, and criticize/comment on what he’s done or not. When the latter occured, my SIL and I had spent weeks planning a big vacation…tours, hotels, daily intinerary, restaurants, etc. Several times I printed out the plans and showed them to my H asking for his input or proposed changes. EVERY time, he took the papers, set them aside, and said, “I’ll look at them later”. Of course, “later” never happened. Then whille we were on our trip, he complained that I hadn’t scheduled any “work-out” times into the schedule. I firmly reminded him that I had given him plenty of opportunities to provide input to the schedule, but he didn’t, so he had forfeited his right to complain. </p>
<p>People need to be called on their BS.</p>
<p>I’m going to start a blame-taking service. When someone is angry and looking to irrationally blame others, I will take the blame myself for a fee of $5.</p>
<p>Once my fee has been paid and a brief outline of the problem explained to me, I will e-mail or call the angry/disappointed/frustrated person in question and explain that they are mistaken - the whole thing is MY fault and they should blame me and not innocent people around them. That should settle things down so everyone involved can move on, and I can go on to my next client. For an extra $3 I will also offer a sincere apology when taking the blame.</p>
<p>coureur…</p>
<p>OMG…that is too funny. You’ll make millions!</p>
<p>@ coureur…</p>
<p>let me be the first to say…</p>
<p>why didn’t I think of that?</p>
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</p>
<p>How did you all overlook this nugget of wisdom from this wonderful young lady? Most of the students where I work (inner city Texas HS) don’t have involved parents either in their college search/application process. We are lucky enough to have a college readiness office with a very talented counselor and one of the highest college application rates in the state. They take the kids on college visits all year, have programs for kids who are the first in their families trying to attend college (they meet 2 nights a week) and outreach programs that come to our HS from big local State university.These kids learn to take responsibility for themselves.</p>
<p>My husband also had very little input into the college search process, but he was more than thrilled today to see that acceptance letter with a huge financial aid award from the very presitigious college that I had scoped out as a likely winner for my music major daughter. “Wow, I guess it won’t cost us as much as I had thought,” he commented. I myself was doing the happy dance when I saw it. He had been trying to convince me for weeks that the local safety school would be fine, when I knew it would not offer her enough challenge. I said a silent thank you to the powers that be and didn’t hold it against him. He did fix 5 door locks today and cleaned up our entire 1 acre yard. Men can be trying at times, what can I say.</p>
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<p>Your DH might be correct in a way. The college process is a collective effort on the part of the family. The child remains in the driving seat and do control the direction but parent plays a very important role of guiding and navigating through this process.</p>
<p>If in your family DH assumed the passive role of seating on the back seat and decided to provide the finances and you were suppose to be in the front passenger seat providing the navigation/guidance then how can you escape the blame now.</p>
<p>I think he has the right to criticize. </p>
<p>In our family DW still thinks DD chose the college of her matriculation because I was in the front passenger seat. In some way it seems to be a valid analysis because if DD talked to me more about college process during her 4 years of high school than to DW then her thinking certainly is more influenced by my thinking.</p>
<p>On a side note I was responsible for providing the finances too so your DH could have taken the front passenger seat if he wanted.</p>
<p>I have a friend with a hs senior. She told me she asked her daughter in December, “isn’t it about time we start talking about some colleges?”. (When she started this story I thought, uh oh - too late). And the daughter replied she had already applied to 11 of them. I was impressed.</p>
<p>^^^: Some children do have indifferent, unconcerned, unfeeling, uninterested, uncaring parent. Children have to fend for themselves.</p>
<p>*Your DH might be correct in a way. The college process is a collective effort on the part of the family. The child remains in the driving seat and do control the direction but parent plays a very important role of guiding and navigating through this process.</p>
<p>If in your family DH assumed the passive role of seating on the back seat and decided to provide the finances and you were suppose to be in the front passenger seat providing the navigation/guidance then how can you escape the blame now.</p>
<p>I think he has the right to criticize. </p>
<p>*</p>
<p>POIH…you’re wrong.</p>
<p>If your darling D had not gotten accepted to MIT, would you have blamed your WIFE? If so, that’s abusive. (heck, did you blame your wife when child was born a girl and not a boy? That’s how crazy it is to criticize someone at this point.)</p>
<p>Criticism is NOT deserved when everything was reasonably done, yet the results weren’t what they wanted. It would be one thing if only reaches were on the list and no safeties were included. Then it could be argued that the mom had been remiss. </p>
<p>There would be NO NEED for safeties if a parent could REALLY control the outcome of the admissions process. RIGHT???</p>
<p>The fact that safeties are needed is PROOF that the results can be arbitrary.</p>
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</p>
<p>First criticize is not a blame. If DD had not gotten into any of the HMSPY then yes I would have blamed myself because I was in the front passenger seat and not DW. DD was rejected from Harvard (the only rejection) and DW do criticize me for that.</p>
<p>I don’t get bothered by it because I do think that more information about USA college process on my part would have been helpful. I found CC in 2007 but had I found it in 2002 or if I had access to information I’ve now she would have a better chance at Harvard.</p>
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<p>No one can guarantee the admissions but one’s effort in the right direction can increase the probabilities.</p>
<p>Your post made me laugh though it’s a serious matter. I called my college bound S to read it, and then asked him: who does this husband remind you of? a smile said it all — his DAD!</p>
<p>*DD was rejected from Harvard (the only rejection) and DW do criticize me for that.</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>Oh brother…but I’m not surprised. Isn’t this the same mom who expects her D to call her every day? And…even wanted to move near the college to be in constant contact?</p>
<p>(Gee, which parent gets the blame that darling D’s prep school didn’t get on that list?)</p>
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<p>I’m not sure why is this a problem? DD calls both DW and I separately and even when we are travelling internationally. Expecting her to find few minutes in her busy schedule to talk to mom and dad should not be a big thing.</p>
<p>^</p>
<p>Wow, this should be like shooting fish in a barrel. :)</p>
<p>edit: Referring to all posts on this thread by POIH btw.</p>
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<p>I am the penguin, koo-koo-ka-chu.</p>
<p>breathedeeply, I think we are married to the same man. My DD is a college freshman and my DS is a HS soph. You would not believe what I have been blamed for this week. I am the involved parent (also have my own business); he is the completely hands-off parent (learned that from his parents). It doesn’t take Freud to figure this one out. But, you know what? I am the one with the great relationship with my kids and the one getting the joy and satisfacation from watching them grow up. As far as I’m concerned, I win :)</p>
<p>You are not alone.</p>
<p>
Well said! Although my H never had the reaction over college acceptances that OP’s H is having, he does push off the “blame” for many things to me. Most of the time I simply ignore it and don’t respond to his comments. It does get tiring, though.</p>
<p>POIH – my first reaction is “You can’t be serious!” But, since I’m quite sure you are serious, I’ll chalk it up to a cultural difference. I doubt you’ll get too many here on CC to agree with your perspective. We’ll need to “agree to disagree.”</p>