<p>That is SOOOO a 1950s mindset…doesn’t cut it nowadays.</p>
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<p>Unfortunately, the answer is that whatever it was that your son had to offer didn’t make the FIRST cut when it came to doling out acceptances for whichever schools that waitlisted him. I’m glad you didn’t say that. </p>
<p>And I hope that your S is happy with his choices, whatever they turn out to be once all the results come in and waitlists get resolved. </p>
<p>Your H needs to get on board the happy train or it will leave without him. I’m going to guess that this unreasonable blame game is he usual mechanism to dealing with frustration and hope you just tune him out…</p>
<p>"But given human nature, particularly as it pertains to marriage relationships, I figure even with low prices I can still make a fortune on volume. "</p>
<p>No, because they have to lecture you for an hour before they get to the blame part, and you’d end up with very few fees per day.</p>
<p>First I think my take on things are different. I don’t think college admission is a lottery because I don’t believe in one. I think it’s a very well structured process. </p>
<p>And probability can be increased to be successful in every structured provess. There is no way you can guarantee but escaping from the responsibility by saying it’s a lottery is ABSURD.</p>
<p>OP should take the responsibility and convey to OP’s DH yes she could have done better.</p>
<p>I think this is a fair post. In the end, if the SAHPartner does all the chores (the blogger things the working parent helps at the end of the day… wow, I want her husband!), that’s $28k annually. And that’s NOT INCLUDING MOST OF THE DAYCARE: it’s far more than 20 hours a week for the first five years. I’d say it’s closer to 120, but hey, my kids were bad sleepers.</p>
<p>That is MORE than enough to pay for college, and hers is a very, very conservative estimate.</p>
<p>So I call bull. She has done MORE than enough to pay for college and back and her husband should shove it.</p>
<p>One of my kids also got into MIT and not Harvard, POIH. No complaints or blaming here. The decision was totally out of our hands, and to a great extent, out of my son’s hands, once he hit the Send button. The interview and mid-year updates happened after he applied, and both of those went extremely well. He clearly had the goods, but didn’t win the lottery. My guess is also that Harvard saw S would be a much better fit at that head-to-head competitor down the river. ;)</p>
<p>POIH, I cannot imagine how you think it’s your fault your D didn’t get into H. It’s a fallacy to think you have that much power or control.</p>
<p>But back to the OP’s post…</p>
<p>As a parent, I can’t imagine being sending a child off to college without <em>at least</em> being in the loop. Personally, I did tons of research. It was also a lot of fun reading the essays, seeing each kid’s enthusiasm, visiting schools, talking about their dreams and plans, etc. Yeah, I took the laboring oar vs. my DH, but he was an active and informed participant in the process. </p>
<p>OP’s H missed a lot by choosing not to get involved. And yes, I use “choosing” deliberately; there are so many opportunities in this process where he could have taken a more active role. Maybe he is just realizing that and is using the waitlists as a straw man to vent his anger instead of acknowledging that he screwed up/missed out/regrets not being an active participant in the college process. Not that this is OK, but just reasoning that that there may be other issues underlying. </p>
<p>Breatheasy, how does your S feel about his college choices so far? Is he bothered by the waitlists? Both my kids immediately wrote off the places that waitlisted them. If the school didn’t want them, forget about 'em.</p>
<p>I too blame my wife for a lot of things. Mostly I blame her for the wonderful adults our kids are becoming, their intelligence, social skills, and compassion for others. And of course, everytime I do this she’s always ready with some kind of quick-witted snappy comeback pointing the finger back at me. Ugh! She’s impossible.</p>
<p>I’ve concluded that it’s just one of those arguments neither of us is going to win. </p>
<p>Sometimes married people just have to agree to disagree I think.</p>
<p>I know there is no way one can provide a 100% guarantee on the college admission process but it will also be wrong to say nothing could have been done to improve the probability. Because in that case we are making it a random process which in my view it is not. It’s not a random process and so there is always something one can improve to make a difference.</p>
<p>Why can’t we take a negative criticism? OP was in command for the application process and OP’s DH can criticize the outcome. OP could have avoided it by making OP’s DH aware of all the situations. Not involving OP’s DH in the ED decision was a fault on OP’s part and OP’s DH should have a right to criticize it.</p>
<p>It was not about whether or not OP is doing anything productive at home. It was more about the fact that if OP has taken charge of the college admission process and OP’s DH has taken charge of making sure the finances are in place then it was OP’s responsibility to keep OP’s DH in loop during the process.</p>
<p>I think my point of contention is that if parent have agreed to divide the role then it’s each parent responsibility to keep the other involve in the process they are leading. </p>
<p>Suppose OP’s DS get into the Ivies on 3/31 and OP’s DH comes back and tell he is not in a position to fund DS EFC because he has been hiding the finances from OP. </p>
<p>Will it be wrong on OP’s part to blame OP’s DH to not inform OP and DS about this?</p>
<p>Most of the time it is not ANYONE’s FAULT that someone is not accepted to a college. The only time that fault can be pinpointed is if someone truly forgot or neglected to do something necessary in the application process such as not mailing out info or not being timely on required materials. When you are looking at selective schools, it really can be a lottery ticket in terms of admissions. It’s easy to blame the kid, parent, counselor, school, college, but really, it isn’t a blame issue. For the OP’s husband to look at this way is a shame because it just adds stress and hurt to this process, and doesn’t do a single thing to help sooth during a time when it is rough for the kids and parents alike. Even if it were the wife’s fault, the son’s fault, why start the blaming game when it only can make things worse? </p>
<p>I’m sorry there are folks out there who are like this. For those who have them in their families, try to keep it smooth and calm so that life isn’t even more stressful. The college process is not so important that family members tear into each other.</p>
<p>Mom and Dad are supposed to be on the same team. If Mom runs the home while Dad earns the cash, that’s a pretty solid joint effort to have it all - a steady income, a functioning home, a nurturing environment to give the kids a great start. It’s pretty sad if either partner doesn’t appreciate the contribution of the other, because both of those roles are tough.</p>
<p>On another topic - POIH, you’re in a hole, you need to stop digging man! The topic in this thread is mutual respect, not whether admission chances could be improved (of course they could, but that’s what all the other threads are about).</p>
<p>POIH: We are dealing with a cultural issue . . . true? Which country do you live in? I asked if Yale, because my DD decided today that she will attend. She does not care about the remaining decisions on 3/30 (Harvard, Princeton, or Stanford). I thought I might introduce the two if your DD attended as well.</p>
<p>All: You cannot possibly understand how hard I laugh at the THOUGHT of ME delegating TO my better 3/4, and then grading her performance thereof! Could be after 24 years . . . I’m trained? Toooo funny!</p>
<p>I don’t think I’m in a hole. OP should have involved OP’s DH in the process by letting him know about the two ED to this college. As pointed before if OP’s DH come back after an Ivy admission that he can’t afford EFC then won’t you think OP will have right to blame.</p>
<p>So similarly OP’s DH has a right to blame because she hid from him that there were two ED opportunity to the college DS would have been happy.</p>
<p>I think it’s OP who didn’t show any mutual respect by hiding the ED process from OP’s DH.</p>
Oh my. Its scary to think you seriously believe this. Now it is the OP’s fault for not making her DH participate in the college/ED decision in the first place?? Helloooo-- it was the SON’S DECISION as to whether or not he wanted to apply ED. And it is the OP’s fault for not MAKING her DH participate more actively in the college application process? So she should be criticized for that? Unbelievable.</p>
<p>POIH: Oh, Ok, the Bay Area (very nice). Back to the cultural issue, what is yours? I ask only, with complete and total respect, because this thread is beating a dead horse with regard to attempting to get you to understand 21st American women. What you are defending will get you in a LOT of big time hurt!</p>
<p>Ohmygosh…have been entertaining a houseful of guests and I stole away to see such support (mostly!). Haven’t forgiven yet, but the guests don’t even suspect we’re not talking to each other! In any event, have to keep it quick but wanted to say thank you so much for the chuckles, too funny some of you!!! And to say to POIH…oh my goodness you are a hoot, truly…REALLY? Well here’s a quick response and hopefully it doesn’t come across as too bitter. YES, DH does provide; no not long hours. The nest egg was gambled away (oh, I mean strategically invested with way too many short calls). I cashed out MY portion before the dot.com bloodbath (which I predicted, thank you) and paid off our mortgage. He lost the rest. I also cashed out the kids’ college funds before the last little joy ride. So, POIH, the way I look at this is it is MY successful decisions that are paying for the home and the college. Yes, you are correct POIH, I could have inflated and created a perfect son who blew them away with a fabulous resume…but I spent my time raising a kid with heart, a love a life, a fabulous sense of humor and a perspective that it’s 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. He’s got soul and that’s good in my book. He’ll be fine. I’d like to see a CC report of where all these kids end up NOT in college, NOT in grad school but 10 years from now. There is a guy right now in my family room, drinking my wine who for all intents and purposes is hugely successful, private plane and all. But he is a ****, is label obsessed, cheats on his wife and doesn’t know his kids. Successful? I think not. Gotta run, sorry for any misspellings or grammatical errors, will return. Can’t thank you enough CC for literally saving my weekend! And the students on here are fabulous!! I put myself through college (in the days it was possible!), and my parents never even said the word ‘college’ to me. I wish you all the success that is certainly headed you way!</p>