<p>I’m not the one blaming OP on her DS admission her DH is. OP’s DH is in better position to know whether or not the blame is reasonable or not. </p>
<p>I can perceive moms ( or for that sake any parent) taking charge when ever it comes to talk with their DH (or the other spouse) but doing nothing or messing up with the admission process. It’s not that parent can’t do anything. In my opinion a lot can be done.</p>
<p>So in the case where OP’s DH thought OP is doing enough but figure out that some thing else could have been done but was over looked have a right to point that out.</p>
<p>Do you remember when there was no cell phone (except on Star Trek reruns)? Do you remember how much long distance used to cost?</p>
<p>Cell phones and other instant communication tools should not be abused as to be an extension of the umbilical cord! Dang, let the kids fly (without the extra cargo)!!</p>
<p>NO you are not in a position to know anything about this…but you ARE defending the husband of the OP for BLAMING the OP for the son’s waitlist position. </p>
<p>I will say it again…it is ABSURD to blame the wife for the son’s place on the waitlist. It is ABSURD…and I will again say…shame on you for defending a husband who felt he needed to blame SOMEONE for his son’s waitlist position so he chose his wife (who DID work with the kid on the college application process…note…the husband did NOT).</p>
<p>I’m sorry POIH…but you are very misplaced in thinking that ANY parent would be responsible for an acceptance, waitlist or rejection from ANY college. Sorry…you are wrong. There is no “blame” to be placed here. College decisions are what they are…no blame to be had. Isn’t it a shame that you and the husband of the OP seem to feel that there needs to be someone to BLAME? That is probably the most absurd part of this.</p>
<p>Same thing in our family but still depending upon the nature of jobs DW and I did, I had much more scope to be in a more active position. It’s just because of nature of my job that I was not only the higher earner but also was able to put more effort in the college admission process. So DW let me take more active part but she didn’t forfeit her right to complain.</p>
<p>International calls from cell phones are still not cheap. Both DW and DD phones were charged $2.50 per minute for each call but if I’m the one paying the bill and don’t complain DD doesn’t have any reason not to call. Sure when DD will be paying her own bills her willingness to call internationally won’t be questioned.</p>
<p>Why it’s wrong? Suppose OP’s DH is working 12/14 hours a day making sure finances are in place and OP is stay at home mom. DH assume mom is helping DS in her college admission process and when ever OP’s DH talk to OP about it, OP tells everything is in control.</p>
<p>Now when the results comes OP’s DH scrambled his head looking at a college where DS stand well above the 75%tile and still got wait listed and then she found out that it was one of DS top choice and had a ED route. He genuinely can complain about this because OP’s DH should have been told that such a scenario exists and should have been part of the discussion. </p>
<p>I think it’s failure on the part of OP to not keep OP’s DH in the loop because even if OP was the leading parent OP should have kept OP’s DH in the loop.</p>
<p>I was the leading parent but kept DW informed of all the process details. I used to dig for information, gather it, read all the books, internet information, ranking, college majors of interest to DD but used to keep DW informed about each and every details.</p>
<p>I think that’s what OP didn’t do and OP’s DH has full right to blame.</p>
<p>And let me guess…if the son got accepted to this wonderful college, the FATHER would have been able to take ALL the credit because, after all, he was out working all day and night earning money. That is ABSURD TOO!!</p>
<p>Coolrunning…POIH’s daughter is a student at MIT who got accepted there probably because she is a strong student who the school wanted as part of their student roster. BUT using POIH’s thoughts…HE certainly can take credit for her being accepted to MIT because HE had a handle in helping her with the college application process AND he earns the family money. Give me a break. That is absurd too. The daughter got accepted on her OWN merits…not because of the money dad earned working or the time he or his wife took to help her with applications.</p>
<p>Oh and by the way…if the family is taking credit for helping with the applications themselves (not the process) then there is something SIGNIFICANTLY wrong. Students should be doing their own applications.</p>
<p>But then I should have the right to cook and eat my meal too. If OP decided to take charge of the process and excluded OP’s DH from saying anything towards it then OP has to take the blame. Because even though I can work 12/14 hours and willing to come home and cook my meal if I want taste, OP’s DH can’t redo the admission process so OP’s DH can only complain.</p>
<p>POIH…what you are assuming is that the OP was excluded from the process. Ahem…if he REALLY wanted to be involved, he should have talked to his son HIMSELF…you know…at any point in time HE could have spoken to his son. He didn’t have to go through his wife to get information.</p>
<p>I’m sorry…but my husband works long hours too…but he always found the time to deal with the kids AND he never blamed me for things that went didn’t go the way HE wanted them to go. That is what this is all about. The OPs husband blamed HER because he didn’t want that waitlist decision. Sorry…no matter WHAT amount of communication there had been between the husband, wife and child, that decision would likely have been the same. </p>
<p>Blaming the wife was a form of verbal abuse.</p>
<p>It’s certain DD got into all colleges because of her strong credentials so if she didn’t get into Harvard then it was not because she was not good enough for Harvard.</p>
<p>DW has a right to complain about it because she was not the active parent.</p>
<p>Looking back I also think that if I knew things I know now, DD probability as Harvard applicant could have been increased.</p>
<p>Students are the one who do all the hard work but parent provide the environment and guidance. In the absence of right environment, guidance the student might make mistakes which can become costly when it comes to admissions.</p>
<p>Let me give you an analogy. Have you ever heard of delegating the responsibility? OP’s DH delegated the responsibility to OP but that doesn’t forfeit OP’s DH right to blame.</p>
<p>A VP of a company don’t need to go and ask the engineers to find out what the engineer is working on. He talks to his management and be appraised of all the work being done. </p>
<p>Now if an engineer makes a mistake then VP is going to blame the manager and have full right to do so.</p>
<p>NO…according to your reasoning POIH, your daughter didn’t get accepted to Harvard because YOU didn’t know enough to help her get accepted there.</p>
<p>Sorry…but I think you are full of it on this one.</p>
<p>Oh boy, sorry but the OPs husband took a passive role period. He convolutedly thinks somehow the OP didn’t do “her job” which is as thumper uses the term…absurd. He was ignorant at the very least and totally out of line. He aboslutely should feel stupid for what came out of his mouth and hopefully has apologized. If you are going to abdicate you have no right to complain. If in fact he felt “excluded” as is the position POIH points out he should have opened his “business” mouth months ago and spoken up. To keep his trap shut until the bitter end is weakness at best and that is the most polite word I can think of.</p>
<p>But that is what I said. It’s no fault of DD to not get accepted to Harvard. It’s certainly lack of knowledge on my part that she didn’t get in.</p>
<p>That’s why I point out “Delegation” and not “Abdication”. If one parent take charge of the college admission process to help out their students, then the other parent is delegating the responsibility and not abdicating.</p>
<p>So the passive parent have full right to assume that the active parent will keep the passive one involved and be part of the decisions.</p>
<p>POIH…there is NO BLAME to be cast about your daughter and Harvard or the OP and their son’s waitlist. It’s the way the admissions game played out in both cases.</p>
<p>Do you really run your home like a business? Do you “delegate” jobs to your wife but never inquire about them like at work? Well…if so…that explains A LOT about you.</p>
<p>Parents should not feel responsible for college admissions decisions. It’s not anyone’s “fault” if one school accepts a kid and another does not…just like the parents really can’t tak all the credit for their kids getting accepted to college.</p>
<p>POIH…I"m sorry but I still think you are incredibly short sighted in how you are viewing this. You are assuming that there is “blame” to be had…but most importantly you can’t see why having the OPs husband blame HER for the waitlist decision is beyond absurd. It’s rude and abusive.</p>
This, IMO, is the crux of this discussion. If the OP’s son was not absolutely sure of his choice and was not certain of the desire to attend (I think there was a gf in the picture or something) than the OP’s son (with the support of the OP) made the RIGHT choice NOT to apply ED. This was the correct thing. The dad needs to shove it. Besides, he’d probably complain that it was too expensive or the son closed doors too early, because he sounds like a complainer. It is not all about bragging rights or having the name school’s decal in the car window.</p>
<p>The dad is a jerk for saying such a horrible thing to his wife. He should apologize. What a block-headed insensitive statement. The mom listened to and supported her son. The dad is clueless.</p>
<p>POIH- although you parsed words earlier, it sounds like you are now intermingling complaining, criticizing and blaming (thought you will probably disagree). If you feel you did something wrong in your daus application process (Repeat, HER application process) then feel free to blame yourself. But in most cases, and certainly in this case, the OP sounds like she did the best she could for her son, considered his emotional as well as academic desires, and he did the best he could. They made the right choices at the time. They should take CREDIT for that.</p>
<p>So glad to see these posts… because I read that and thought, wow, some people think that’s normal but I believe that is abuse. Not unforgivable but way, way beyond the pale. I always question my own standards when I see so many women putting up with this crap. I think, “If that’s what it takes to be married, no wonder I’m such a failure at it.” (How DARE I point out that his losing his car keys isn’t my fault and that my children don’t deserve to be woken at 4 a.m. because of his mistake…)</p>
<p>@ coureur–LOL.</p>
<p>@ PoIH: WOW. Speaking of stereotypes about helicopter parents!</p>