<p>I will try and present my situation as best I can. I am married to a man who cannot be questioned - about anything. If I ask him why he feels a certain way, or what he means by something…he responds with “what are you starting something?” and walks out of the room. It is to the point that I cannot discuss anything important with him. I have expressed how I would like to discuss things and how I am merely asking for his point of view, but he says “cut it out,” raises his voice, and walks away.</p>
<p>I am to the point where I can feel my blood pressure rise each time this happens…which is any time I ask him anything.</p>
<p>I’ve explained to him how I want to be married to my best friend and how I want to share, but he can’t seem to have that conversation. Cuts me off and ends it abruptly. It does not matter if I want to talk some more - when he’s done, it’s done and he does not seem to care about how I feel.</p>
<p>By the way this is nothing new. His father was that way too and was very hard on my husband growing up and I think that when my husband is questioned he feels as though it is a criticism and he shuts down. I even tried to discuss this with him very gently and explained that I am not criticizing him, I really want to hear what he is thinking, get his point of view, and he told me to “shut up.” He starts rubbing his head as though he is in terrible pain, shakes his head from side to side, and talks on top of me if I say anything else. When I stop talking he will never bring it up to say that he even for a minute sees my point of view, never will apologize, and the next day acts as though everything is fine. I feel as though I am dealing with a disrespectful child who I cannot relate to on an equal level.</p>
<p>Just this evening he came home from a restaurant with a friend where he said he had a terrible plate of soup. I asked him if he sent it back and he “what are you starting?” and he walked out of the room. </p>
<p>Leave him. Seriously. Even if you have kids. They shouldn’t grow up witnessing such disrespectful conduct from their father towards their mother. If you have no kids, then leave tonight. Good luck.</p>
<p>Men! Them: Loud voices and hate to be questioned? You want a conversation, just a discussion really, and he wants only to have conversations that get to the point and some kind of decision comes out of it.</p>
<p>Pay attention to your first attempt towards a conversation. Does it make him defensive? Is it late, after work, and the only thing that sounds good to him is a glass of wine and a football game, not a “discussion”. Sometimes we just don’t get to the point quickly enough. Sometimes, there isn’t a point (and that can really drive guys crazy if they’re the non-talking type). Some men don’t “enjoy” that type of conversation. My brothers love it, but not the guys I work with.</p>
<p>Some suggestions: don’t expect every topic will evolve into a (friendly, easy-going) discussion. Keep your questions to a minimum. Get to the point. and read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.</p>
<p>I hate to say this, but don’t necessarily expect your BFF is a talker and a sharer. If he didn’t grow up sharing his feelings, it’d be hard for him to know how to do it.</p>
<p>What is this, a “god complex” combined with a person who refuses to interact in any meaningful way with his spouse? What are his redeeming qualities that caused you to stick around this long?</p>
<p>I guess I’m not one for allowing bad behavior just because someone’s parent modeled same for them while they were growing up. It’s arrested development if an adult cannot, on a regular basis, overcome that urge. I’ve read of a lot of people who will specifically work to NOT model such behavior, as they learned how destructive it was when they were kids.</p>
<p>Tell him you’re “starting” the car to leave him if he doesn’t change his act. If he’s willing to go to some counseling with you, keep the car keys in your hand until you see positive developments.</p>
<p>A few questions to get a better sense of things - how long have you been married? What was he like while you were dating - was he like this then ? Do you have children - if so - what are their ages? Finally - have you suggested counseling?</p>
<p>Ok - one more - do you work outside the home? In other words - could you support yourself financially if you left?</p>
<p>OP - There will come a time in you marriage when a situation arises that REQUIRES a conversation. (Besides your current complaint I mean.) So you and hubby need to get past whatever issue is at the core of this “no-conversationitis.” JMHO of course … but I feel I’m on particularly solid ground. Good luck to you.</p>
<p>Wow this sounds horrible. What CAN you talk about? The weather? What someone had for lunch? Vacation plans? Whether garbage goes out on Tuesday or Wednesday? And how does he talk to people at work? </p>
<p>As you describe it at least, it sound way beyond a man who just isn’t open with this feelings and not into “process talk”. He sounds outright hostile to interaction with you, period. </p>
<p>Maybe it is not as bad as it sounds but if it is as bad as it sounds, why would you live with someone you can’t talk to? How do you even ‘do marriage’ without a conversation? </p>
<p>I’d first suggest counselling. Assuming he would never do such a thing, I would leave.</p>
<p>This has me wondering if my husband’s a bigamist… well, no, but it does sound familiar, right down to the head rubbing. Counseling helped so much here…though I had to threaten to leave before he would go with me. I’m sure you guess right about the source of the problem…but understanding that doesn’t make the situation easier to deal with, or more worth putting up with. If he won’t go, get counseling for yourself so you can work through the stay or leave question. If it’s any consolation, I’m sure he adores you! I’m so sorry, and I hope you can find a way through, or out, whichever you decide is better.</p>
<p>Last week I was trying to find an anniversary card for my husband. As I stood in front of 100s of romantic cards about perfect marriages, I said to myself. "OMG, why can’t they make a card that says “I love you, but sometimes you can be a real jerk” I didn’t realize I had said this out loud, but I immediately had 3 nearby women all commiserating with me.</p>
<p>I am so sorry that you are going through this emotional trauma and I wish I knew how to help. It is not right that you have to spend your nights walking on eggshells. Stay strong and do everything you can to keep his negative comments from tearing down your self esteem.</p>
<p>OP, you have to decide if he is worth all the work it will take to straighten this out. It will take LOTS of counseling, I think, and he’s probably the type that will refuse to go. You should go alone anyway, and the counselor will advise you. You’ll probably hear that you need to decide whether the abuse - for that’s what it is - is tolerable until it can be corrected. IF, it can be corrected.</p>
<p>Read the book, The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lenier, to help you figure out how to stand up for yourself. It changed my life by helping me understand how to process legit feelings of anger in myself. You should be furious at him and now you have to figure out what to do. I also suggest a counselor, even if you go alone at first. Something like this won’t go away, so you will either have to figure it out now or later in your relationship.</p>
<p>A good friend of mine is quite fiesty. One time when she got into a fight with her H, he said to her that he thought she had time management problem, and if she was better at it then she would have more time. Those were fighting words…</p>
<p>For the next few weeks:</p>
<p>1) She made him a half cooked chicken (due to time management problem).
2) While he was still eating, she took his plate away and dumped all of his food in the disposal (trying to manage her time better by doing things ahead of time).
3) Set their alarm clock few hours ahead of time (needed more time due to time management issue)
4) She put his damp clothes (all nicely folded) in his drawers (again, time management problem).</p>
<p>We saw the couple often, every time we were together we would hear some new stunt she did, but otherwise she was perfectly pleasant to him. The damp clothes tipped him over, he finally apologized to her. I was sorry he did because it was quite entertaining.</p>
<p>This is the same friend who said to me “Sometimes I just want to run a vacuum cleaner over his face.” Whenever I get mad at H, I crack up thinking about what my friend said.</p>
<p>The funny thing is they are usually very loving and physical, but when they fight it’s like world war III.</p>
<p>He is being a bully.
He has no reason to change since he gets his way with this behavior.
This is his power.
Change the dynamics to ease YOUR pain.
Stop trying to have a conversation with him.
Give him one word answers if he asks you a question.
Don’t bother to ask him anything.
Sadly he won’t notice for days if he notices at all.
Take away his power.
This is not a game. You are not trying to make him talk to you. This is you taking control of your mental health</p>
<p>Go to counseling by yourself. You need another adult to help you decide if you want to continue in this relationship.</p>
<p>This is not a guy being a guy wth guy relationship skills (or lack there of). THIS IS A BULLY.</p>
<p>Does he ever ask you questions? Is the question the issue? I know my H has a similar reaction to the word “No.” Not in answer to a yes/no question but as a response to a comment, because he “hears” it as telling him he’s wrong. That may not be what I am communicating at all, so I have a whole series of other ways to communicate what I’m trying to say without using that word that seems to trigger something. </p>
<p>If it’s the idea of a question that he “hears” as a criticism/questioning his judgment, experiment with other conversation starters. Re: the soup incident: instead of asking a question, what would have happened if you had said “You should have sent it back” or “I hope you sent it back.”</p>
<p>*Just this evening he came home from a restaurant with a friend where he said he had a terrible plate of soup. I asked him if he sent it back and he “what are you starting?” and he walked out of the room. *</p>
<p>when someone tells me a story- say a friend- I don’t question their behavior. If I am not sure if they are asking me for advice- I will ask " are you asking for advice- or do you just want to vent?" It isnt my place to reprimand them for their behavior, I am not their mother ;).
I expect since as you say, your husband has the history of being questioned and criticized, that loaded questions such as the one posed above are not going to do anything but force him to be defensive.
I suggest you go for single or couples therapy- ingrained patterns take active work.</p>
<p>If you can get him into counseling, it might help. A friend of mine told me about how he took his family to counseling. He started off by telling the counselor everything that was wrong with his wife and son. The therapist turned to him and suggested he was the problem. He says it changed his life and changed his family. Is it possible that your husband is regulating his anxiety by shutting you down? It sounds like he can’t handle even the possibility of conflict.</p>
<p>Your good friend is not ‘feisty’ and certainly not cute, she is just an aggressive bully. Imagine if a guy was reported on CC acting like that towards his wife.</p>