Husband driving me crazy!

Parent Cafe
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<p>TrainingDayLee might be on to something – if the problem is limited to the time of day right after everyone comes home from work or other daily activities. If that’s the only time when the problem occurs, it might make sense for the husband and wife to agree to postpone all attempts at conversation for an hour or two unless something urgent needs to be addressed.</p>

<p>But if the problem is more pervasive – for example, if it occurs on weekends as well as weeknights – then this is not the explanation.</p>

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<p>Your good friend is not ‘feisty’ and certainly not cute, she is just an aggressive bully. Imagine if a guy was reported on CC acting like that towards his wife.</p>

<p>I agree- that isn’t even * passive-agressive* that is just aggressive.
Too bad she can’t use her words to discuss a conflict.</p>

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<p>^^^ Though I have to say that oldfort’s friend reminded me of Lucy in the episode where Ricky tried to put her on a schedule and she served frozen steaks because it was quicker, and lobbed hot rolls into the dining room from the kitchen in an effort to save even more time … :)</p>

<p>OP, it’s hard to know if your relationship with your husband can improve. Your husband sounds deeply troubled and probably the best thing you can do is take care of your own self first. I think his behavior is well outside of the normal range for uncommunicative spouses, and you’re probably right that his father set the pattern for him (as, probably, his father did for him). With the right help you can create some happiness for yourself; wishing you the best.</p>

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<p>I cannot help but wonder if spouse is depressed. Maybe his job in jeopardy and he comes home angry and irritable? I doubt the OP lived with such a difficult man for 20+ years.</p>

<p>Temporarily, I’d finds others to be my friends. I’d serve him a nice hot meal and let him eat alone and decompress.</p>

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<p>I wouldn’t, and couldn’t, tolerate that kind of treatment from anyone, anywhere, at anytime. Oldfort’s friend managed to get her point across with humor, and responded quickly too, but it may/may not be an effective strategy if this has been going on, without consequence, for years…worth a try though! Marraige or no, questbest, it’s unacceptable for him to treat you with such disrespect and he’s been allowed to do so for long enough already. As long as he hasn’t been physically abusive, my advice would be to go for a ride with him (you drive, so he can’t escape) and let him know that you are not his doormat and you both WILL be going for counseling or you will be ending the relationship. Are you starting something? You bet…a new and improved marragie or a new life! </p>

<p>How do your kids feel about their father’s behavior? Btw, if you do have children at home, please speak with an attorney before you abandon the residence…it may make a difference down the road.</p>

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<p>Your father sounds very much like my own, who had a verbally abusive father and quite possibly a physically abusive one. He has few memories from his childhood. When we encouraged him to see a therapist his response was “Why would I want to remember any of that?” As time has gone by my mother has grown more and more resentful of his treatment and now lashes back. It has reached the point where it is nearly impossible for them to have a civil conversation. She is unhappy and envious of friends who have happier marriages. People don’t invite them out often as they are so unpleasant to be around. They each complain constantly about the other. Sadly, my sister and I both dread having them come for a visit. Even talking on the phone is difficult, but I let my mother, in particular, dump this on me because I feel she needs an outlet to vent. (I in turn, vent to DH, but have told him to let me know when it gets to be too much I’ll go to a therapist. I probably should as it is.) My advice is that you get yourself to a therapist ASAP. Don’t even worry about couples counseling at this point; your therapist can help you with that. The sooner you start working on this the sooner you can develop a plan for a happy life, which could mean working through this before the situation gets untenable, or getting out. I hate to think of anyone ending up as miserable as my parents are. (It is very painful for a child to see, so do it for your kids as well as yourself.)</p>

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<p>I think we are all too quick to judge around here. The H thought some of those stunts were quite funny. Instead of continuing verbal discussion (“screaming”), she tried to make a point by communicating in a way two of them could understand (her H is kind of a prankster himself). At the end, they laughed about the whole episode. I don’t need to defend their relationship, the fact they still go out regularly and have fun together after 20 years…</p>

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<p>^I agree! Why put labels on a stranger on the basis of one episode related by a third party observer? She obviously has a sense of humor and knows her husband well! Her point was made and I bet he has more respect for her than if she’d chosen to scream at him over his comment! In the end, the long-term impact of her method of communicating seems to be far superior - and one that most men would actually understand!</p>

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<p>I would just like to note that we only have one side of this story. It could be that on some other message board, the husband is posting, “What can I do? All my wife does is nag me. The other day, I came home from a dinner with a client, and I mentioned that the soup wasn’t very good. Then she went on this whole tirade about how I should have sent it back.”
Clearly, there’s a problem here, but it’s not fair to assume that the problem is entirely one-sided.
One suggestion I have is to read “You Just Don’t Understand,” by Deborah Tannen, which is about differences between men and women in how they communicate. It has some insights that can be helpful in situations like this.</p>

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<p>I bet he has more respect for her than if she’d chosen to scream at him over his comment!</p>

<p>Interesting that you think that is the alternative.</p>

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<p>Unfortunately, if the OP’s FIL was the same way, the OP’s H has probably just introjected the father’s behavior and doesn’t even know he’s doing it. Unconscious habitual behavior is the hardest to change.</p>

<p>I have been around the bush with some of these with my H. He uses subtle humiliation and bullying to get what he wants. It has taken me 25 years to show him what he does. Now he feels true remorse (it has affected his relationship with DD; DS seems okay with it which makes me wonder if he’ll introject the same behavior. I hope not.) but still can’t seem to stop.</p>

<p>Divorce is one possibility. </p>

<p>A long campaign against the behavior (like the one I waged) is another, but there are no overnight fixes.</p>

<p>Perhaps a good reply to the obnoxious question of “are you starting?” might help, either humorous or direct.</p>

<p>“Are you starting?” Well, yes, yes I am. Starting a dialogue.
“Are you starting?” Hm. I guess so. Want to join me in a conversation?</p>

<p>As for the plate of food suggestion, hm. Made me gag. I don’t think anyone should have to buy someone’s good will, attention or conversation. And it’s insulting to the H, too, that he would only respond to food, like a dog. Seems a throwback suggestion for books in the sixties or even earlier. Or maybe a very “Christian” book aimed at wifely submission. My H would not respond to this.</p>

<p>I think my main point is that the H is probably unconscious of this behavior and it is a reflex.</p>

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<p>I hate to sound rude but was he always like this? If so, why did you marry him? I’m not married but if my BF ever treated me even remotely close to that our relationship would be over before he could even mutter the word’s I’m sorry.</p>

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<p>In Tannen’s book, she says one difference between men and women is that women often, or typically, tend to engage in “problem talk” in which they talk through problems, discuss how they feel about them, show empathy to each other, etc. Men don’t do this very much. If you raise a problem with them, their reaction is to just tell you how to solve it. It may be that this is behind part of OP’s problem. This is different, of course, from a refusal to talk about real problems that the family is having. But I think there is a little clue in the first post in which the OP says she wants to “share” with her “best friend.” What men share with their best friend is not the problems that they are facing. It may be that OP might deal with some of her problem by cultivating some other friends that she can share with.</p>

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<p>As oldforts friend pointed out there are other ways to communicate that aren’t verbal.</p>

<p>Most men, are not as verbally adept as women- and while I haven’t read the Mars/Venus book ( although my D maintained their website after college :wink: ), reading it sounds like a good suggestion.</p>

<p>Even if your husband would describe you as his best friend- I could practically guarantee you he does not define it in the same way that women do.</p>

<p>Men don’t usually go for long heartfelt conversations- and verbal assurances of devotion.
I have been with my H for almost 35 years(! )& I am on the " spectrum" so I am more like a male in my communication patterns than some women- however- even though I have had bouts of verbal dyspraxia, I am still much more verbal than my H.</p>

<p>I have learned ( or actually still working on it ), that how I measure emotional involvement is not the same as how he does- and it took lots of counseling, both together & individual for us to learn how to make the other feel as supported & accepted as we ourselves wanted to feel. ( not to say that we manage to behave that way all the time)</p>

<p>If you want to get love- give it & that doesn’t mean harassing your spouse when they don’t behave like they are just an extension of yourself and don’t quietly accept your * constructive* ? criticism.</p>

<p>I strongly recommend this book for anyone in a relationship with another human.
[What</a> is Real Love? - Unconditional Love](<a href=“http://www.reallove.com/about.asp]What”>http://www.reallove.com/about.asp)</p>

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<p>My husband is like the OP’s to a startling extent.</p>

<p>He was not always this way. But as the years went on, he began to behave this way when under stress, and then it evolved into something that happens almost all of the time. </p>

<p>I can see why the OP might have married this person but be dissatisfied now.</p>

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<p>I noticed long ago that there was a disconnect between what I wanted out of conversations and what my husband thought he should provide. Whenever I told him about something that was bothering me (not necessarily having anything to do with him), he would go right into problem-solving mode. I just wanted a chance to talk, be understood, and I wanted some sympathy. My husband wanted to, as quickly as possible, tell me how to solve the problem. The OP and her husband probably have a similar disconnect, where he misinterprets her conversational openings. His behavior is so extreme, though, that I agree with other posters that if he will not agree to counselling, the OP should consider leaving him.</p>

<p>I loved the story about the half-cooked chicken, wet clothes, etc. Clearly the couple had had a long-standing pattern of conversations in which the husband told the wife that she just needed better time-management skills to handle all she had to do. They weren’t getting anywhere, so she demonstrated to him all the things she did that he took for granted, and he realized his insensitivity. Good for her!</p>

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<p>I will fully admit that my H is in many ways, not the same person he was when we were married. While I don’t feel I have changed alot, surely he might feel different. </p>

<p>OP, does your H have a lot of stress at work? I find these days (as he has gotten older) when H comes home in the evening, he really just wants to be “left alone”. Into his comfy clothes and in front of the TV he goes and really, he is pretty worthless for discussing anything! Problems, news - anything! It’s annoying, but I have learned to “schedule in” better times to talk w/him. </p>

<p>Now, get him away from work - out of town at our cottage or some days off in a row and things get better. Not perfect, but better. :slight_smile: </p>

<p>Also, sometimes the kids seem to be able to “soften” him up - I just tend to be the target of the “don’t stress me out anymore” syndrome!</p>

<p>I feel for you and hope you can find some help for yourself or for your relationship. I fully understand the desire for a closer relationship with someone who fights it. You often hear about couples who are “best friends” - when you don’t exactly have that, you sure wish you did. May something close to that time come.</p>

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I think this is really common, and it often results in an argument, with the husband saying, “If you don’t want advice on how to solve the problem, why are you telling me about it?”</p>

<p>One depressing thought: one reason this may happen over time, is that when the husband was younger, he had more exciting stuff to talk about in his own life–his hopes and aspirations, his successes at work, etc. As he gets older, he may not want to talk as much, especially about work, because it may not be much fun any more, and he may not have as many aspirations. He certainly doesn’t want to talk about his feelings if they are negative. One possible approach is to try to find what he is willing to talk about–it may be politics, or TV, or sports.</p>

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<p>*Now, get him away from work - out of town at our cottage or some days off in a row and things get better. Not perfect, but better. *</p>

<p>So much difference here in that situation- practically a different person.</p>

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<p>Look, all this about how men talk differently than women, that they need time to decompress, that they don’t ‘discuss’ they want to come to decisions…fine, true no doubt.</p>

<p>But that’s not what the OP’s husband is doing. He’s shutting her down before she even gets to the second sentence. Everything is a confrontation, every innocuous question is an interrogation, every word she says is a potential fight. I agree with the person who said this is bullying. </p>

<p>The OP is second-guessing her every word, worried or even fearful that the next thing she says will be the trigger for this (awful, rude, and cruel) behavior. Her husband is acting as though she is some importunate beggar on the street, not the woman he is alleged to love.</p>

<p>She needs to talk to a lawyer about a separation. She should gather the necessary documents to prove what their income is. (There are plenty of pre-divorce websites that will help you determine what’s important to discover). Then she should pack a bag or two and walk out the door. Take the dog/cat to the kennel. Leave her husband a note or write an e-mail, telling him where to meet her for a discussion of their marriage on neutral ground.</p>

<p>If he doesn’t bother to show up, there’s her answer to whether this marriage is worth saving. If he does show up, time to have a serious talk…take turns by the clock. Stay as cool as you can. If he can’t handle that, ask for counseling. Don’t go back to the house until he goes a few times. Sometimes you’ve got to walk out the door before a partner realizes how serious the problems have gotten. </p>

<p>Maybe that will be enough of a shock to get him to change his pattern. But I wouldn’t count on it. When someone has turned into this much of a nasty person, it’s really hard to get them back to where you can tolerate them again. And the OP will need counseling anyway to get past her now-learned behaviors of conflict-avoidance and ‘pleasing’. </p>

<p>The very fact that she has bothered to come up with an explanation (oh, his Daddy was the same way) shows me that she is trying very hard to excuse her husband’s behavior…which is how people get stuck in these relationships. Her husband is a grown-up…if he’s acting like a jerk, it’s nobody’s fault but his own. </p>

<p>I also suspect that the husband has somebody on the side and is hoping, as people often do in that situation, that if he’s nasty enough his wife <em>will</em> leave him without his having to reveal his infidelity. But that may just be my cynicism talking.</p>