<p>I am guessing that OP is not wanting to pack up and leave. Coming here to post this problem shows that she would like a solution or just needs someone to share it with. I find it hard to swallow that so many people recommend such a severe solution - arranging for seperation, packing bags, etc. </p>
<p>Agreed, the problem is SERIOUS. But, with likely years invested, I give OP kudos for looking for help/solutions instead of walking away. Walking away - not knowing the situation all around (finances, other family members, emotional issues) - for some, walking away is almost impossible to consider - at least before trying some intervention.</p>
<p>I agree with Novelisto and if the OP’s husband is indeed like my father it will get (much) worse over time. I don’t necessarily agree with her suspicions. In my father’s case I believe it is due to his personal demons (abuse, depression, alcoholism).</p>
<p>(I see that I originally referred to the OP’s “father”, not husband. The whole post just hit so close to home for me.)</p>
<p>I am surprised by the rush of posts such as “leave him” and so forth. There is a lot we don’t know here. We don’t have a lot of specifics even on this issue. All the time? For how long? On every issue no matter how mundane? Has it always been this way and, if not, when did it change or worsen? Are the kids at home? If not, what changed when they left? How’s his health? Hers? What, if any, medication is he taking? Why is he rubbing his head? Is he actually in pain? Are weekends better or worse? What about vacations? Are there any particular stressors going on at work, aging parents, kids, finances, etc.? What about the rest of the relationship? Is there intimacy? Is there laughter? Is there shared responsibility, shared joy, what does he bring to the table? It’s amazing to me that the OP wrote less than a kid writes on a college essay but people feel free to suggest divorce. We don’t even know – because she didn’t say in her post (unless I missed it in a later one) – whether counseling has been suggested and/or whether he would be open to it. Does he want to be married? Does she? I’m a marriage therapist. I’ve often heard one side of the story and then, when I see the couple, a different picture emerges. As someone else pointed out, we only have on side of the story in a few brief paragraphs. It’s possible there is a great deal of hope for this relationship.</p>
<p>I’m guessing that OP has always noticed his behavior and been bothered by it, but now (perhaps with kids getting older, not being as needy) she’s paying attention to her feelings and realizing his behavior really bothers her. Or maybe he wasn’t as bad until recently? Definitely 2nd the suggestion to read Dance of Anger. Also The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. Yes, shutting someone out of a conversation and refusing to discuss things is a form of verbal abuse. He pre-empts her by walking away (either physically or verbally). It also sounds like maybe he’s had an uptick in hostility, suspicion, and paranoia – he thinks OP is attacking him when she’s just asking an innocent questions – which can be (I’m no doctor) sign of something else going on, healthwise, for him.</p>
<p>I’m not suggesting that she leave him, but I think this is bigger than self help books. I also think it would be better for the OP to see a therapist on her own and get some support before she brings it all back to her husband. I, too, wondered if he might have health issues or other “demons”; a therapist could help shed some light on that as well.</p>
<p>Currently at work, so can’t post much right now but I did leave my husband over this type of behavior. We got back together and have been in counseling for 3 years now. Discovered I wasn’t as much of the innocent victim I thought I was. Emeraldkity is giving some good advice. There’s a lot more to the story than her husband is a heel. They both need to be in counseling. It takes two to tango and just switching partners isn’t always the answer. Will elaborate later.</p>
<p>MomLive, I’m betting that the fact that you left was a big reason why you and your husband were eventually able to reconcile. It’s a wake-up call for everyone. Hence my advice for the OP to leave first–later counseling might come into play, but it does seem that the husband wouldn’t be open to that now. Why would he talk to a stranger when he won’t even talk to his wife? So, I still say leave now. Other options may become available later. Or not.</p>
<p>Self-realization is a huge step towards personal change. It can also be quite shocking to start to see and understand things about yourself.</p>
<p>Counseling really seems to help those who can shake the “I am a victim” posture/mind set and start to work on how to overcome what makes them act the way they do or put up with the conduct of others.</p>
<p>I don’t think separation is in order necessarily- unless they both agree & unless there is some sort of a plan.</p>
<p>If this has been the style of communication throughout the marriage- & I empathize if close proximity makes it stomach churning to imagine another 20 years that way- but still behavior doesn’t change overnight even if everyone is 110 % motivated.</p>
<p>since I only have a brief one sided description- this scenario comes to mind.</p>
<p>Man- spends his day having to choke down criticism/demands by higher ups, but since this mirrors his life since childhood- he has been able to bury most responses so far inside he wouldn’t even know where to start digging.</p>
<p>Woman- for most of her life she has been able to meet her emotional needs through work/friends/family, but now that she is an empty nester- wants to regain the relationship & connection she once had w her spouse ( or even an idealized one she has convinced herself exists with the help of novels/movies- meddling friends)</p>
<p>Woman feels she alone can see where her H is making mistakes & if he only listened to her- he ( & she) would be much happier.</p>
<p>Man needs the refuge from the rest of his life @ home, but feels attacked when he gets constant comments that what he is doing isn’t good enough/right.</p>
<p>In that scenario ( with the exception of being able to get his emotional support elsewhere & so is trying to bring about the end of the marriage by withdrawing even more), I think that to physically leave, as an attempt to force a “wake-up” call that will somehow bring about change in long seated personality traits- will actually make the man * much more anxious* and while he may agree to the separation, I can see him withdrawing even more.</p>
<p>I have been there myself-
again I can blame my inability to perceive someone elses pain on my asbergery tendencies- but continuing to behave in that fashion was not getting me the end result I wanted & ya know what they say about doing the same thing & expecting a different ending.
It don’t work! ;)</p>
<p>Sympathies to the OP, as well as others living with this dynamic. I know it well, having lived with it. My marriage broke up, to his credit, because he didn’t want to be that person. But being unwilling to look at it, and refusing counseling, he has had a string of relationships since, which from what I gather, return to that dynamic. Hopefully your H is more capable of dealing with it. </p>
<p>Having read a number of books regarding this, the author who I think acknowledges it the best, is Terrance Real. Here is one quote from his website:</p>
<p>Don’t you dare bother him by talking to him until then.</p>
<p>My H has a mancave ( that he won’t share ) & while he comes through the house before he goes to his hideout & we check in briefly- I usually give him at least an hour to relax- listen to the radio- before I talk to him.</p>
<p>I have a hard time with transitions myself- I hate to be spoken to when I first come home even from doing errands & I even hate to be touched unexpectedly, so H has had to learn to ask me first & not just grab at me when I am doing something else.</p>
<p>I also process things by talking, so if I am upset about something & am wanting H to fix it/respond or make it all go away, I might ( probably) not even know what the underlying issue is until I have been rambling on & on for a while.</p>
<p>H complains that I don’t come right out with it in the first place but how can I when I don’t even know what * it* is?</p>
<p>Then go to your room, take off your clothes, and be ready for him later on in the night.</p>
<p>Whatever happened to opening the door in the afternoon dressed in saran wrap?
But seriously, if your sexlife is good or even decent, those endorphins you produce can go along way toward building a positive connection. Nothing can make me feel loved like a a good romp- which reminds me- soon our empty nest wont be empty( I’m um- noisy)- have to store up. :D</p>
<p>I try to make it a practice not to ask questions in adult personal relations in the form of “why did you” or “why didn’t you.” In my experience, one adult pushing another adult to explain him or herself is usually not well received.</p>
<p>Yes, I noticed. But they had a fair number of posts prior to this, so I do not suspect a ■■■■■…</p>
<p>I was married to an “angry man” for 23 years. It really didn’t show up before we were married. I stuck it out for a long time after it became apparent that NOTHING I did could make him happy. I think the advice to go to counseling immediately (even if he won’t go) is very good. There are a lot of factors that go into deciding whether to leave in this situation. In my case, I am now VERY glad that I divorced him.</p>
<p>Bill Clinton is a good communicator and that’s probably why lots of women went/go after him. Most women talk more (50% more?) than most men, so it’s hard to find a good male talker.</p>
<p>We went through something similar in my marriage a couple of years ago. My husband had changed jobs and worked in a rough, all-male environment and began to bring that manner of interacting home. He turned into a bully. Wouldn’t hear anything from me about anything, so I got louder, he got louder and ultimately walked away. Which he could do because he is so much bigger. It took a lot of counseling for him to understand that he was using his size and anger against me which really was a form of bullying. The therapist told him straight out that this behavior worked for him, which was why he continued it. Same with the OP’s husband. It works for him and there isn’t any particular incentive for him to change it right now.</p>
<p>Bill Clinton is a good communicator and that’s probably why lots of women went/go after him</p>
<p>Politicians have to be able to communicate verbally- but why so many can’t keep their hands to themselves?</p>
<p>Yes, I noticed. But they had a fair number of posts prior to this, so I do not suspect a ■■■■■…</p>
<p>She isn’t a ■■■■■- IMO, but glancing at previous postings- pretty involved w decisions of freshman daughter which makes me think that ,now D is in college that intensity is being directed at H.
I suggest a hobby.
( or bring back the political forum? )</p>
<p>I got flashbacks after reading the OP. Mental torment, in many cases, is worse than physical abuse. </p>
<p>After being married to and living with a passive-aggressive for 16 years, I finally came to my senses and told him to leave. I now live with my 3 teenage sons and we could not be happier. It was scary at first and then I realized that the little I actually needed him for, I could learn to do myself or hire someone. I stopped loving him years ago because of his behavior so that was not an issue. Peace and sanity were restored to my home and family.</p>
) & while he comes through the house before he goes to his hideout & we check in briefly- I usually give him at least an hour to relax- listen to the radio- before I talk to him.</p>
