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<p>Bingo. </p>
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<p>Drama lessons? Or martial arts? It would give a new meaning to flipping him off.</p>
<p>There is a distinction between a difference in communication styles and shutting down communication. When nothing can be discussed at any level, even the smallest things are never resolved. Someone in this situation can find other ways to be fulfilled, but the relationship is what it is and will only get worse if it doesn’t change.</p>
<p>A friend spent ten years thinking that she was just approaching her husband wrong or picking the wrong time or any number of things that were her fault. It took counseling, he wouldn’t go with her of course, for her to realize that it wasn’t her fault, she couldn’t fix it and needed to decided what was best for her.</p>
<p>Everything * works* in a manner of speaking- until it doesn’t work anymore.</p>
<p>Tolstoy got it wrong IMO- happy families are not alike, but when you are miserable- it pretty much doesn’t matter if you are different from the family across the street.</p>
<p>My current state of mind is an advertisement for the adage " you can’t change anyone but yourself".</p>
<p>I made a conscious effort to change the way I interacted with others & how I lived my life & I also could not now be happier( most days) and I didn’t even have to dump my spouse.</p>
<p>Yes I would prefer that he be more communicative- but he probably prefers that I wash windows.</p>
<p>Learning to pick your battles- to not require your spouse to meet standards that your friends don’t have to meet ( or yourself) and emphasizing the things that you * do share & enjoy* together, makes getting through the sticky places much easier-
of course if you don’t have anything that is worth it anymore- or even the memory of that- then by all means- kick em to the curb.</p>
<p>My H is very difficult to deal with sometimes. He does not take any kind of suggested or implied criticism well, can be very negative, has seasonal meltdowns (I have to be careful to make sure he gets periodic sun in the winter), but then maybe I’m no picnic either. I can be opinionated, bossy, sharp-tongued. </p>
<p>I’m sure some people would look at our relationship and have a lot of questions, but he’s the smartest person I know, extremely funny, very perceptive about people (although he tends to be on the skeptical side and I’m on the give 'em a break side) and is 99% of the time right in the end. We have no issues whatsoever with money. I am free to pursue my interests, travel extensively for work, and do what I need to do without worrying that he will feel “left out” or “abandoned.” </p>
<p>It’s all what you decide is more important. It’s too bad that some of our personal traits can be so grating that they almost overwhelm things that are actually more important.</p>
<p>Having left a spouse like this and then returned, here’s what I learned:</p>
<p>I played a hand in his behavior because I allowed it to continue for a long time. I am a classic conflict avoider, so rather than confront him on his anger, I learned to tiptoe around in an effort to ‘not set him off’. The problem with that is, as someone pointed out up thread, it worked well for him because it got him what he wanted, so he had zero reason to change.</p>
<p>Now I confront him each and every time - I now longer fear his anger (and yes, he does get angry a lot still) because by standing up for myself, he had learned he needs to back off. Before, he never apologized, now he does all the time. It has taken me three years of weekly counseling to get to this point. In fact, we have almost daily arguments and it doesn’t bother me one bit because we have learned how to ‘re-connect’ asap after an argument with a hug or apology or by any number of bids for connections. According to my therapist, healthy couples argue all the time but move on quickly. Unhealthy couples tend to avoid conflict and let the anger and resentment built and fester for years until someone explodes by having an affair, leaving abruptly or mentally checking out of the marriage.</p>
<p>I made the classic mistake of thinking 'I’m okay, he’s the one with problem" because I’m a nice, easy-going person. The truth is that relationship problems are rarely ever that one-sided. People look at things in very different ways. So when you think that you are asking an innocent question such as “Why didn’t you send the soup back?” your spouse may be hearing “Only a stupid person wouldn’t have sent the soup back.” I’m not saying that was the OP intent at all. It probably never occurred to her that it would be taken the wrong way but her husband is filtering it through his own lens. One thing I have learned in therapy is that any sentence that starts with “Why…” almost automatically puts the other person on the defensive. A better response would have been “I hate when that happens.” or “That must have been frustrating.”</p>
<p>It took a long time for my therapist to convince that if I concentrated on changing my own thought process and how I reacted to other people, that my husband would begin to change also. And he did. What finally convinced me to try and just work on myself (rather than trying to change him) is I figured at the very least I would learn skills that would help me be a better person even if we didn’t stay together.</p>
<p>Another important thing I learned was when people are acting in negative ways or exhibiting destructive behavior, there is almost always an underlying fear or anxiety. For example, they believe, I’m not good enough, she doesn’t really love me, he might leave me, if someone criticizes me then I must be stupid, etc, etc, etc. In other words, they’re not responding in a negative way because they are a mean person but rather what they are doing is trying to self-protect.</p>
<p>I would recommend the OP seek counseling for herself (and she can invite her spouse along but if he refuses, she should still go). She needs to find someone who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy and learn those skills. During that process, she can decide whether it’s in her best interest to stay or leave.</p>
<p>Part of the reason that the divorce rate for second marriages is so high is that people think all they need to do is switch partners. The reality is until you can understand your own part in the demise of your marriage, you are likely to find yourself repeating the same destructive patterns…only with a new partner.</p>
<p>Sounds like you learned a lot about yourself and your relationship, momlive. Bravo.</p>