@southerncalimom I’m sorry for the stress this is adding to you and very likely your H. Job loss is up there on the top 10 stressors in our adult lives. It can lead to illness due to the stress and worry, so most importantly please find a way(s) to release that, whether through exercise, meditation, or whatever. I think just sharing here is a very good start.
@Creekland alludes to something that might be important to OP - standard financial advice during a period of unemployment is to hoard your cash. That is, use credit wherever possible and pay the minimums. If you’ve been paying down debt, stop and just pay the minimums instead.
It’s counter-intuitive to what financial advisers tell us our whole lives, but when cash flow is tight, you need to save the cash for important expenses that that only accept cash (utilities, credit card payments, rent, etc).
Also I believe part of the covid relief package includes penalty- and interest-free loans/withdrawals from your 401k. I’m not familiar with the details but you could try the retirement thread for info. Touching your 401k should be a last resort though, imho.
I’m so sorry. We’ve been there, too. The first time, DH and I worked for the same firm and were let go the same day, totally out of the blue (the company changed directions and got rid of almost all of its design engineers). Like @creekland, it turned out to be a blessing, because it was the initial impetus for us to start our own firm. I agree about taking some time to process everything. We took some of our severance pay and went to Quebec City for a week. The distance was helpful in clearing our minds so we could consider options for the future.
(Our other hard layoff was when DH was unexpectedly let go four days before our middle child was born. I had laryngitis and couldn’t even cry! That was a low spot. Then DH got shingles from the stress, the same day our 9-week-old was admitted to the hospital with RSV. Sometimes I wonder how we got through that period.)
The dynamic between your H - the retreating introvert - and yourself - the designated worrier - mimics that of my marriage.
It is SO difficult when the worrier is up all night watching their partner sleep soundly. I’ve really wanted to scream - for god’s sake, have the decency to sit up and worry with me!!!
We’ve developed skills that let us communicate our fears and worries as well as our need to STOP talking about our fears and worries. One thing that’s worked is to set aside a specific time to calmly discuss and actually listen to each other. That way I don’t wind up wanting to strangle him in his blissful sleep (yes, that is a joke…) and he doesn’t cringe each time I walk into the room because he thinks I’m going to start a worry rant.
It is so hard to be kind to each other when the stress spirals upward. Fingers crossed the job situation resolves quickly.
Encourage your husband to share his unemployment status. That could get him some job leads and maybe even a hand delivery of resume.
In 2001, my husband submitted A LOT of resumes (needed to for Unemployment)… but it was hard to get to interview status. His 3 most promising interviews were from 1) soccer dad in tech field from our son’s team 2) soccer dad from tech field on daughter’s soccer team 3) neighbor … in this case, he was also former coworker who told us about an opportunity to come back as temp employee - husband got the job, and eventually went back as permanent employee.
This has happened to us…twice!
Each time we felt the timing was awful. Each time we worried and suffered, and then? a better job.
It’s a difficult thing to go through, emotionally & financially.
Be kind to yourselves and good luck with the next steps.
I’m so sorry. Sending hugs and hoping things get better soon.
Overwhelmed and grateful. Thank you so much for all the hugs, sympathy, and advice. I was feeling lost and you all stepped in so graciously and I appreciate it. COVID is already isolating and this made me feel more alone but this community has been a blessing.
I have already read through this thread twice this morning. So many of you have pointed out different aspects from financial to stress relief to not killing him in his sleep when he won’t worry with me! I’m taking it all to heart.
As for our situation, he has been given 4 months severance and we can make it a few more months on our emergency fund before anything else needs to be touched. I am grateful for that. Counting blessings and knowing many many others have way worse situations. I just know job hunts can take so long sometimes and the worrier in me can hear the clock start ticking…okay I’ll try not to worry about that now!
His lay-off was COVID related. His sector in the company has been hit hard. They did a round of layoffs in May and this was round two. His field is technology so hopefully there will be jobs.
I sincerely hope you all know how much this thread has meant to me today. Thank you
@southerncalimom , I’m sorry you and your husband were dealt this blow. Hope things work out well for you both.
@dietz199 I think we are kindred spirits. I laughed when I read how you were awake worrying while he slept peacefully. I’ve been there!
Man, when I read this, for a split second I wondered if I’d gotten up in the middle of the night and posted to a thread, only to completely forget I’d done it.
So I’ll just say “Ditto.” Except my DH is the ultimate optimist, and an extrovert to boot.
Crossing fingers for you guys that this turns out to be a short term blip and that he finds an even better situation sooner rather than later.
Hugs! Been there twice. I don’t think anyone mentioned it yet but start now trying to file for unemployment benefits. It could take a while since they are still flooded and every little bit helps ease conserving other assets.
Tech is surprisingly strong right now so I’m optimistic your H will land on his feet. I don’t know if you’re aware, but there’s a flag on LinkedIn you can set to say that you’re actively looking for jobs. I can say from personal experience that it works.
When your H is ready, have him update his LinkedIn and set the flag. It’s an easy and painless first step to take before the more involved process of updating the resume and searching job postings.
I’m sorry; I know how hard it is. My husband had 2 layoffs. We had to tighten the belt but we got through it and he found other jobs.
Apart from the loss of income, it’s the not knowing how long it will take to find another job that makes it so hard. And layoffs often happen at particularly inconvenient times.
The first layoff happened a few days before Christmas. We were trying to start our family, having married late, and were also shopping for a house. We had to put both plans on hold until he found work. I was nearly 38 and my biological clock was ticking very loudly indeed! The following spring he got another job, we bought our house, and our daughter was born 2 years to the day after that layoff.
The second layoff occurred just after his father died. I was a SAHM at that point. DH was named executor of the estate. Being out of work gave him time to renovate his father’s house for sale and to settle the estate. He was out of work 8 months (and his unemployment compensation ended after 6 months), but his share of the proceeds from the house sale helped us make it through that time. His next job was a better fit for him, though it paid less. He’s still at that job, at age 74…he likes it. No plans to quit. Goes to work with a smile and comes home with a smile.
Is there something special your husband could do during this time out of work to make his resume more attractive? Take a course, learn new skills? Any home projects that he’s been putting off because of lack of time?
I am so sorry. Like so many here, i have been there. Even if it has nothing to do with you and is all about downsizing, it still hurts.
OP- big hug to you. Like others on here- been there, done that.
It helps to laugh. Here’s one of my “funnies” from that period- a neighbor’s parent died, and H and I paid a condolence call together. He had just gotten the news a week ago-- and amid my panic (I’m the worrier too) I did find a silver lining- instead of leaving the house at the crack of dawn and returning late at night, he was available to do “normal” neighborly things like bring someone a meal, sit and talk about the deceased. Silver lining.
So as we sat there, a few other neighbors came in and talk turned to the recession (this was early 2009) and people started sharing their “tips” on living on less. I was barely listening.
We walked home, and H turned to me and said “We’re really F-'d”. This from the man who hadn’t blinked, told me not to worry, had slept like a baby the past few nights while I tossed and turned. I said, “What? Why?” and he said, “Did you hear what just happened? People are cutting out their lawn service- we don’t have a lawn service. People are getting rid of HBO- we don’t have HBO. People are keeping their cars longer - ours are 10 and 12 years old. People have stopped skiing, playing golf, going out to fancy meals- and we’ve never done those things. We’ve got nothing to cut!”
It was hilarious at the moment, actually. We’d gotten so used to our lifestyle that when people around us were busy trading up we hadn’t noticed.
Sending you hugs and socially distant kisses. Give him the space to figure out how he wants to move ahead- you can do this. It will help if you have a neutral friend (someone who won’t jump in to help, won’t suggest donating a kidney or some other annoying thing) who will just walk around the block with you and let you vent your worry and anxiety. I had someone like that- it really helped preserve my sanity inside the house when I could let off steam with someone who didn’t judge, wasn’t trying to slip me $20 when my back was turned, and wasn’t being Susie Sunshine.
Job searching and the networking associated with it have changed. I suggest you look for some online classes about LinkedIn, job searching, video interviewing, resume writing, etc. Check you local library or the big libraries (Boston, Seattle, etc.), most let you log in to their zoom programs from anywhere.
Sending big hugs from me too!
Been there, done that, twice. Once a few days before 9/11 and the second when our D was in her senior year of HS. I’m also the worrier in our house. Very stressful and difficult.
Sending good vibes your way for a successful, quick, and fruitful job search for your H.
If the company offered any resources to help with resume, learning LinkedIn etc… certainly take advantage of that. About 15 years ago I was myself starting doing that because I was part of a layoff… then dodged the bullet with in-company transfer. I actually learned a lot in a 2 hour class (probably now all done by zoom) and some remote sessions.
You mention he was offered 4 months severance. They will give him an official letter with his severance terms. which he will have to sign Severance terms are negotiable - try to get them to include COBRA payments for these 4 months (especially if the entire family is on his insurance).
Also, different states handle severance differently for unemployment. Some don’t count the severance time and let you start unemployment immediately, others make you wait until severance runs out. Look into the terms for your state.