<p>I am looking for ways to better deal with a husband who will not discuss. If I or my children ask him a question he will either elevate his tone of voice or exit the room. If he is pressed to discuss (I follow him into another room) he will continue to raise his voice. And later, if I bring this up to him, he will respond with “here we go again.” </p>
<p>Following any outburst of his, a few minutes later my husband comes back and acts as though nothing happened. If any one of us in the family brings it up, my husband elevates his tone or walks away again.</p>
<p>The pattern is that my husband does this and the discussion ends before we feel satisfied that we have been heard…and if you were to ask my husband he would say that we “discuss things too much.”</p>
<p>I’m sorry, questbest. That sounds very frustrating- not sure I could put up with it.
What kinds of things is he unwilling to discuss? You might get some clues there.</p>
<p>He is defensive, and unable to trust. Are conversations initiated with him subject of a simple not threatening topic and then result in a backdoor return to a sore subject? That would do it.</p>
<p>This is not new. He has always been this way. It is as though he refuses to be questioned. Topics range from “why did you leave the air conditioning on” to “how do you think we should go about finding a new veterinarian.” Literally anything and everything. </p>
<p>I know that he came from a home where his father was very critical and I have explained how, when I ask him a question or his opinion it is because I really want to get his opinion and that it is in no way a criticism. When I have explained this (infinite times over the years) he goes back to “here we go again” and raises his voice.</p>
<p>What is most frustrating is that he seems to have no need to discuss and is not at all bothered or empathetic when he knows I am feeling upset or shut out. As a matter of fact, he seems relieved when I am quiet (out of my sheer frustration). Does not seem to care when I express my feelings of upset and often tells me “you are too sensitive.” </p>
<p>You need a family counselor. Note that I’m not saying a marriage counselor. A family counselor works with the whole family to improve communication. IMHO, if he’s not willing to go to a counselor with you, your choice becomes to accept that he won’t change or leave. Yes, this is harsh. But you can only change your own behavior–trying to change his will only leaving you frustrated.</p>
<p>The other alternative is to try dog training methods. Notice the positive things and ignore the bad. He smiled at you? Say thank you and smile back. He left the room? Go about your business and ignore it. Figure out what you like and reward that, early and often, with thank yous, smiles, etc. Are you in a three-minute conversation about a tv show? Don’t ask for a fourth minute, just excuse yourself–go to the bathroom, get a glass of water–and let him try to continue the conversation. When he does, smile, be friendly. <a href=“What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage - The New York Times”>What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage - The New York Times;
<p>Listen to the song “Paradise by the Dashboard Lights”. </p>
<p>If you follow the female singer’s lead, you can get him not only to discuss but to AGREE to anything!</p>
<p>If that doesn’t work, I’d concur with dmd77 and go with the rolled up newspaper approach. </p>
<p>Seriously, I hate serious discussions, and even our “serious” discussions are chock full of humor and banter. It goes a long way toward maintaining sanity and is a whole of a lot more fun (at least for me).</p>
<p>Another vote! However, I almost guarantee that when questbest mentions counseling, her H is going to explode. The dog training method is a good approach to try. The reason I asked about how new this behavior was is that a sudden behavioral change like that could mean anything from wanting to end marriage to enourmous stress. </p>
<p>Not to criticize anything… But why are you trying to discuss with him issues such as finding a new vet? Go ahead and start making your own decisions if he thinks that you bother him too much with such trivial stuff. Go ahead and hire someone to install a timer on AC, call a few vets on your own and make a statement in a non-judgemental, non-confrontational tone, “the electrician will be here tomorrow at 11” or “Fido is going to see the VetsGalore on Saturday”. And leave the room. He will be either relieved that you are off his case, or he will start asking first why you do this without his input. Is he the type who wants to control everything? </p>
<p>I vote counseling as well, but I would also recommend the book Difficult Conversations. It’s all about effective communication. One of the main points it makes is that many times, conversations can feel threatening to one’s identity, ie your husband thinks that because you want to discuss something, you must think what he is already doing is not good enough. I would highly recommend giving it a read</p>
<p>Does he talk to you and the kids about other things? Is it just when you want an answer or solution that he doesn’t want to talk about it? If it’s only about decisions that is one thing but if it’s all talking than that’s something else. Also I’d be more concerned about him not wanting to discuss things with the kids than you. If he doesn’t want to discuss things with them now , how are they going to feel about talking to him when they really need some advice?</p>
<p>You say he has always been this way, about every topic, with all of you. That sounds like a horrible way to live. What positives to you or your kids get out of this family dynamic? Because I’m not seeing one other than that you have a roof over your heads and are provided for. I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t talk to my H. That’s part of what makes the marriage worthwhile. And how sad for your kids that they can’t even speak to him without him going off. I’d suggest counseling, I guess, if you think anything can be changed. </p>
<p>As an example, say, you wnat to buy a house (first, second, whichever). How does it go wihtout discussion? Would he let you buy whatever you wish or he will buy whatever he wish? If it is the former, I have NO problem with NOT discussing. Great situation for you. If it is latter, I feel sorry for you. The most of the rest, frankly we do not discuss in our family. I am not a big fan of discussions, neither is my H. We do not discuss if conditioner should be on or not, we do not discuss the dinner, family doc - H. has his and I have mine. However, we do discuss the buying of the house. We BOTH want to discuss this event. Why? it seems to be entertaining for both of us. Conclusion - basically if it is NOT entertaining, we do not discuss, we just do it. If I feel that one of us needs to go to emergency, than there is no discussion we iust go. I believe that my H. is the same way in regard to this event.<br>
Maybe you need to list events that you want to discuss (should be a really short list) and just stick to it after both fo you reach agreement about this list. And use your common sense for the rest if he does not want discussions. Frustration will not solve anything. You need to have a plan and stick to it, jsut another rule. Family lives by the set of rules anyway, this is just another one.</p>
<p>It seems like some stereotypes are true, occasionally.
Women think their husbands will change after marriage, while husbands want their wives to stay the same.
Neither one gets what they want.
You can’t change anyone but yourself, including how you respond.
Since you say he has always been this way, what has changed that makes it no longer acceptable?
In your place, I would attend therapy by myself, to clarify what I wanted before I attempted family counseling.</p>
<p>Your story is so much like mine. My ex’s change had a trigger (unrelated to his family life) when our kids were teenagers, and I waited over ten years for things to return to normal. We tried counseling, but when the therapist wanted to work with the ex alone he quit going. As others have said, I finally made the decision that I couldn’t spend my life walking on eggshells and we ended it. My only regret is that we waited so long.</p>